How Many Gays In Thailand Have A Regular Gay Partner Also?

[PeaceBlondie]

Somebody started a thread and poll about straight people in Thailand having adulterous or non-monogamous affairs. So, I thought we could ask a similar question. I have a friend who has been in a LTR (long-term relationship) for years now, and they are down to about two days a year when they have sex. He has boyfriends on the side, including one who is very much a LTR, going back before the time he met his live-in boyfriend. And, as I understand their relationship, both the Thai guys know about each other but keep their distance and never interact.

I asked what a gay male version of a 'mia noi' might be and was told 'sammi noi.' Not sure about that. So, without making this a formal poll, and you do not have to admit your own circumstance, how many gay Thais and farang have boyfriends on the side, long-term?

PS: the straight poster-comic Heng said it's okay as long as you don't make your mia noi pregnant. Well....

[ProThaiExpat]

Sorry, I can't come up with a positive response regarding second husbands. I do know a few couples who have sex outside the relationship, usually both do, often referred to as "open relationships". Mine is monogamous, as far as I know or can detect.

[BigSnake]

All the ones that I know have Partners, good for them.

[Unfaithful]

Why do you suppose I chose the name Unfaithful?

The older boyfriend looks down upon the younger, because the younger one is basically Hill Tribe.Don't remind the older one that both their fathers were Thais and drunks from the same province.And don't tell the older one who is far better equipped.Neither one kisses.

[Thanh-BKK]

Hi

I'm with the same Thai "boy" since over 7 years. Altough we both leave each other all freedoms (i.e. allow each other to have "fun" with others) neither one of us did "it" yet. We live together since the first day i arrived in Thailand, with him (known him thru the internet / IRC chat) being the reason for me to come here. I'm 33, he's 30 1/2 years old.

Our sex life is good as well - 1-2 times per week. Work stress and current differences in working hours make sure for lack of chances - he works 6 am to 2 pm, i work 1 pm to 10 pm (more like 12 pm to midnight, sometimes longer)! Basically, when i get home he's sleeping and when he goes to work, i'm sleeping (in theory, in reality i bring him to work, go back home and sleep again).

Best regards.....

Thanh

[Krub]

Used to be a butterfly. Had a LTR but very open !

Since I am with my current partner I have become monogamous (same as him) and I do not regret it.

He was the one who convinced me it to be 'the better way'.....and he is 30 years younger than me

Never too old to learn and try new ways !

[Scott]

Been in a LTR with the same person for over 20 years. Have had several sammi noi's on the side. Even had a separate apartment for one. When # 1 would find out about them, it generally ended. I did learn not to pick people he knew--that seems to be the big problem! Now, I prefer short term things. I realize I only 'love' one person and that sometimes my behavior can lead other people in the wrong direction, since some have been kind and sincere people who don't 'deserve' to be treated as second best. I am still very, very good friends with a couple of them and would do most anything for them and they are the same.

I was never dishonest with them, but I still think as someone who was older and a bit 'wiser' it was wrong to let them think something different would come of the relationship. There are plenty of people whose moral character is better suited for what I like, and I don't have to give my name or phone number!

[Ijustwannateach]

Haven't met many gay couples here that claimed to be monogamous, and even fewer that were. The only time I was really sure that a Thai partner of mine was monogamous was when this one guy was obsessively stalking me (like calling 10-20 times a day); that wasn't much fun, either (though he was very sweet and generous otherwise- apparently this is a pretty common pattern in relationships with Thais, where one partner is constantly calling the other-)! Otherwise it's just too easy for a gay guy to get sex to obsess over whether one's partner is monogamous; best to assume not and take the necessary safer sex precautions- otherwise the most dangerous sex one has might be with one's boyfriend.

[twschw]

I asked what a gay male version of a 'mia noi' might be and was told 'sammi noi.' Not sure about that. So, without making this a formal poll, and you do not have to admit your own circumstance, how many gay Thais and farang have boyfriends on the side, long-term?

I think having a "sammi noi" is a bit much but a "gik" or two is quite alright by me and my partner.

[neilrob]

My Thai partner and I have been together for more than 30 years. Over this time, for some periods, both of us have had other partners, but always with the knowledge of the other. I have always tried to be honest and straightforward about the situation, not only with my long term partner, but also with the "sammi noi"---I do not pretend to him that I am single. In general, when there is a sammi noi, my long term partner does not want to meet or hear anything about him, beyond the simple fact of his existence.

[popshirt]

I think having a "sammi noi" is a bit much but a "gik" or two is quite alright by me and my partner.

Yes having a gik or two or three or four ........ is quite alright for us also. But we don't discuss any details and there are no meetings with the giks involved.

[JonnieB]

"LTR"...what's that? If it's anything over a couple hours, then I haven't had any! All my partners know not to let the door hit their cute little toots on the way out

[Guest]

I am happy to be in a 24 year LTR, and would be very bored with guys coming and going as lumps of flesh rather than as friends.

[flightcrew1]

Hmmm I have two. Number 1 I've been with 8 years. He is 31 and works for the airlines as well. I know he has flings on his international travel but he is never serious with them (as far as I know). I have a number 2 here who is still in university. Met 3 years ago on a flight back into BKK. See him only when number 1 is out of town, except when he sometimes tags along on an international flight if he is on school break.

Number 1 knows about number 2 and vice versa as they have met each other at the gym. Number 2 gets annoyed about number 1 but number 1 just shrugs it off and does not seem that bothered as we live together and he is quite close to my family who he sees when he has flights to Europe. I also think because number 2 is planning on studying abroad next year that he figures it will end then.

Both are fun but very different personality wise. Great relationship with both. Both come from good familes so neither look down on each other in that way.

[PeaceBlondie]

It was not a poll, but the sammi noi (open relationships) seem to outnumber the monogamous couples by roughly two to one so far. My friend is amused that his live-in boyfriend now openly refers to #2 (talking with his own friends) as the mia noi.

[geriatrickid]

I am happy to be in a 24 year LTR, and would be very bored with guys coming and going as lumps of flesh rather than as friends.

psssst. Your b/f is a lucky guy and I wish you 24 more years.

[Ijustwannateach]

Different strokes for different folks; I don't think being in a LTR or not or a combination of both indicates any superiority or deficiency on the part of any of the participants... Have been in both situations and enjoyed both at different times. It's all a matter of present needs and circumstances, and honestly- it's all available at some level or another to any of us who really want it either way (or both).

Anyway, whether or not an LTR is operative, most gay men I've gotten to know (anywhere) are not rigourously monogamous, though many of them pretend for their partners. Anyway, there should be SOME advantages to not following the "wife, kids, house with white fence" model.

"S"

[neilrob]

Anyway, whether or not an LTR is operative, most gay men I've gotten to know (anywhere) are not rigourously monogamous, though many of them pretend for their partners. Anyway, there should be SOME advantages to not following the "wife, kids, house with white fence" model.

I agree---what's the point of being gay (particularly in Thailand) if you can't have fun!

[PeaceBlondie]

Anyway, whether or not an LTR is operative, most gay men I've gotten to know (anywhere) are not rigourously monogamous, though many of them pretend for their partners. Anyway, there should be SOME advantages to not following the "wife, kids, house with white fence" model.

I agree---what's the point of being gay (particularly in Thailand) if you can't have fun!

That is a valid point, indeed. Most of the reasons for fidelity (as in straight sex) do not apply to gay sex, except for STD's and jealousy.

[chrischonburi]

I would say a serious relationship is where 2 people commit to being monogamous. I would guess there are very few of these relationships among gays where one or both have not strayed at some point. If you are in a so called LTR but have giks or whatever you want to call your cheating, this to me is more like a friendship. I mean how can you say you've been together with someone for say 20 years but shag someone else on a daily, weekly or monthly basis. The fact that somone cannot commit to monogamy with their bf means the relationship is more a convenience so they are not alone. Its a glorified friendship. I would also guess its the cheaters who start or feel comforted by this kind of thread as there guilt can be shared with others. When you think about it we are a pretty pathetic bunch when we cannot even commit our love to one guy. Whatever lifestyle you choose is your choice of course and is what obviously works for you.

[PeaceBlondie]

I would say a serious relationship is where 2 people commit to being monogamous. I would guess there are very few of these relationships among gays where one or both have not strayed at some point. If you are in a so called LTR but have giks or whatever you want to call your cheating, this to me is more like a friendship. I mean how can you say you've been together with someone for say 20 years but shag someone else on a daily, weekly or monthly basis. The fact that somone cannot commit to monogamy with their bf means the relationship is more a convenience so they are not alone. Its a glorified friendship. I would also guess its the cheaters who start or feel comforted by this kind of thread as there guilt can be shared with others. When you think about it we are a pretty pathetic bunch when we cannot even commit our love to one guy. Whatever lifestyle you choose is your choice of course and is what obviously works for you.

chris, I cannot follow all of your reasoning, but in your penultimate sentence of the post you say, "WE are a pretty pathethic bunch when WE cannot..." I guess you are clearly stating that you are gay, eh? In my own case (since your post immediately followed mine, and I am the OP, I will answer you directly), I was in a monogamous relationship called straight marriage, for twenty years, until my wife cheated on me. So, we divorced (and meanwhile, I started being gay). She probably still cheats on her second husband. On my last date with a woman, I got a blowjob from a woman who had not yet divorced her third husband.

If you value monogamy and you are gay, ask where you got that value. I will bet it was from the institution of straight marriage, which has a 50% divorce rate and maybe an 88.2% cheating rate.

Cheating. Is it cheating when both partners agree to it? No. Is it cheating if one partner stopped having sex years ago? Probably not, since even the King James Version of the Bible defines that as defrauding one another of their sexual privilege within marriage. I once regaled a bunch of Christian teenagers with all the cheating stories of Old Testament patriarchs (and those guys had up to a thousand sex partners).

I will get back to you, chrischonburi, after I check your entire posting history, including any posts that were thrown into the trash.

///added: chris, I see we have different friends. Your friends include a poster who was banned for several good reasons, including very likely stalking ThaiVisa members. My friends include a poster who stayed in the closet long enough to earn a military retirement, and whom you insulted. But it appears you have been in a LTR for many years, a LTR which we hope involved monogamy. I hope things are working out well for you and your boyfriend in the UK.

[JonnieB]

I was in a monogamous relationship called straight marriage, for twenty years, until my wife cheated on me. So, we divorced (and meanwhile, I started being gay).

<deleted>??

On my last date with a woman, I got a blowjob from a woman who had not yet divorced her third husband.

That's called a normal het relationship

I will bet it was from the institution of straight marriage, which has a 50% divorce rate and maybe an 88.2% cheating rate.

Yes, at a minimum...so remind me again...why is like "gay marriage" supposed to be at the top of our political agenda...I keep forgetting

Edited April 1, 2008 by JonnieB

[chrischonburi]

I would say a serious relationship is where 2 people commit to being monogamous. I would guess there are very few of these relationships among gays where one or both have not strayed at some point. If you are in a so called LTR but have giks or whatever you want to call your cheating, this to me is more like a friendship. I mean how can you say you've been together with someone for say 20 years but shag someone else on a daily, weekly or monthly basis. The fact that somone cannot commit to monogamy with their bf means the relationship is more a convenience so they are not alone. Its a glorified friendship. I would also guess its the cheaters who start or feel comforted by this kind of thread as there guilt can be shared with others. When you think about it we are a pretty pathetic bunch when we cannot even commit our love to one guy. Whatever lifestyle you choose is your choice of course and is what obviously works for you.

chris, I cannot follow all of your reasoning, but in your penultimate sentence of the post you say, "WE are a pretty pathethic bunch when WE cannot..." I guess you are clearly stating that you are gay, eh? In my own case (since your post immediately followed mine, and I am the OP, I will answer you directly), I was in a monogamous relationship called straight marriage, for twenty years, until my wife cheated on me. So, we divorced (and meanwhile, I started being gay). She probably still cheats on her second husband. On my last date with a woman, I got a blowjob from a woman who had not yet divorced her third husband.

If you value monogamy and you are gay, ask where you got that value. I will bet it was from the institution of straight marriage, which has a 50% divorce rate and maybe an 88.2% cheating rate.

Cheating. Is it cheating when both partners agree to it? No. Is it cheating if one partner stopped having sex years ago? Probably not, since even the King James Version of the Bible defines that as defrauding one another of their sexual privilege within marriage. I once regaled a bunch of Christian teenagers with all the cheating stories of Old Testament patriarchs (and those guys had up to a thousand sex partners).

I will get back to you, chrischonburi, after I check your entire posting history, including any posts that were thrown into the trash.

///added: chris, I see we have different friends. Your friends include a poster who was banned for several good reasons, including very likely stalking ThaiVisa members. My friends include a poster who stayed in the closet long enough to earn a military retirement, and whom you insulted. But it appears you have been in a LTR for many years, a LTR which we hope involved monogamy. I hope things are working out well for you and your boyfriend in the UK.

Some of your posts are quite funny and often go of tangent but nevermind. 

I will just add that many guys are in what I would call friendships rather than relationships but like to say they have a partner of x amount of years.

Ill get back to you on the stalking part. Ill just check with my friend who happens to know you, small world isnt it.

///added: with regards to the stalking thing, I have nothing really to add only the word paranoid

Edited April 1, 2008 by chrischonburi

[PeaceBlondie]

chrischonburi, I agree that many partners in open relationships of many years are in more of a friendship than a sexual partnership. It is a matter of semantics; you can be in both or just one.

[twschw]

I would say a serious relationship is where 2 people commit to being monogamous. I would guess there are very few of these relationships among gays where one or both have not strayed at some point. If you are in a so called LTR but have giks or whatever you want to call your cheating, this to me is more like a friendship. I mean how can you say you've been together with someone for say 20 years but shag someone else on a daily, weekly or monthly basis. The fact that somone cannot commit to monogamy with their bf means the relationship is more a convenience so they are not alone. Its a glorified friendship. I would also guess its the cheaters who start or feel comforted by this kind of thread as there guilt can be shared with others. When you think about it we are a pretty pathetic bunch when we cannot even commit our love to one guy. Whatever lifestyle you choose is your choice of course and is what obviously works for you.

Why is monogamy in a gay relationship important? I just don't get it.

[Unfaithful]

Why is monogamy in a gay relationship important? I just don't get it.

I dont get it, either.Did the Church marry you?Is your gay sex based on the bible?Is this what your grandma taught you, or the Sunday school teacher?No.Does my sammi noi want to be my #1 wife?Probably.

[chrischonburi]

Why is monogamy in a gay relationship important? I just don't get it.

I dont get it, either.Did the Church marry you?Is your gay sex based on the bible?Is this what your grandma taught you, or the Sunday school teacher?No.Does my sammi noi want to be my #1 wife?Probably.

IMHO I think monogamy is important in any relationship not just in a gay one. But as it is apparently very difficult for gays to commit to one guy it has added importance to some gays as it is difficult to achieve. Because gays put so much importance into the sexual side of a relationship, as soon as it becomes, lets say, boring in ones relationship, instead of finding ways to work at it, one or both go off looking for sex elsewhere because it is relatively easy to find. That's why I say most so called LTR are more like glorified friendships.

Also, Im sure most guys in a relationship who cheat have some level of guilt in doing so. That is reason enough not to do it because we dont like that feeling and find it difficult on some level to deal with it. Those who dont have guilt are not really in a LTR but a friendship of convenience probably because they dont like being alone.

Im not quite sure what the bible has to do with monogamy. Maybe it was mentioned in it and in other religious scriptures. There is probably a reason for that but only those who care about such things need to concern themselves with it.

For me if you can achieve monogamy you are achieving something that we all should be aiming for and if you dont think like that you are probably just kidding yourselves in believing your way is ok.

Straights or gays in a monogamous relationship should be applauded for their commitment to each other. The rest of us should try harder!

[PeaceBlondie]

I've changed my guilt trips so many times, I don't know what I look like. I was wrong to feel guilty about masturbation and about gay sex, and about mass killing. So I have this suspicion about false guilt trips imposed by folks who do not agree with me. Of course, they may very well be correct.

OTOH, an open relationship without lies can be void of guilt. Anyway, kudos and respect go out to all those who can be monogamous or celibate.

[neilrob]

Why is monogamy in a gay relationship important? I just don't get it.

I dont get it, either.Did the Church marry you?Is your gay sex based on the bible?Is this what your grandma taught you, or the Sunday school teacher?No.Does my sammi noi want to be my #1 wife?Probably.

IMHO I think monogamy is important in any relationship not just in a gay one. But as it is apparently very difficult for gays to commit to one guy it has added importance to some gays as it is difficult to achieve. Because gays put so much importance into the sexual side of a relationship, as soon as it becomes, lets say, boring in ones relationship, instead of finding ways to work at it, one or both go off looking for sex elsewhere because it is relatively easy to find. That's why I say most so called LTR are more like glorified friendships.

Also, Im sure most guys in a relationship who cheat have some level of guilt in doing so. That is reason enough not to do it because we dont like that feeling and find it difficult on some level to deal with it. Those who dont have guilt are not really in a LTR but a friendship of convenience probably because they dont like being alone.

Im not quite sure what the bible has to do with monogamy. Maybe it was mentioned in it and in other religious scriptures. There is probably a reason for that but only those who care about such things need to concern themselves with it.

For me if you can achieve monogamy you are achieving something that we all should be aiming for and if you dont think like that you are probably just kidding yourselves in believing your way is ok.

Straights or gays in a monogamous relationship should be applauded for their commitment to each other. The rest of us should try harder!

I disagree with almost everything in this post (except that, for those who want it, I have nothing against monogamy). The poster is making the mistake he accuses others of making---attaching too much importance to the sexual side of a relationship. Just because there may be no sex in a relationship after many years does not reduce the relationship to a "glorified friendship"---love is more important than sex at any stage in a relationship. As I mentioned in a previous post, I have had a number of "sammi nois" over the (many) years. I have not been "cheating", and have not felt guilty, because I have always tried to be straightforward and honest, not only with my partner, but with the sammi noi.

[Unfaithful]

Guilt?I do not feel guilty.Boyfriend #1 does not make me feel guilty.#2 never sounds guilty, and he was promoted from geek to sammi noi.#2 gives me sex, and #1 gives me everything else.They are both good at what they do.We are not married.Not going to.I am happy for you monogamysts.