Do I Tell The Others?

[lamentingengineer]

The threads of TV are filled with warnings about 2timers and the g/f -b/f multi partner scenarios. No need for anyone to rehash the answers in those threads, because I read them all. No need to tell me I'm a sucker or a fool because I know. Just tell me what you think on the question. Thanks.

My "sob" story is as follows;

- Rotate in for 3 month shifts then out for 3 months. Been doing this for 2 years.

- Met b/f from an aquaintance. He was not working in a bar or an escort. (not that it makes a diff now.)

- I'm 40 and look like a well maintained guy of that age. The b/f was 29.

- I prefer 35-45 for dating purposes but disengaged the warning system because this one seemed so nice.

- I work on projects in bangkok and in the south usually taking my R&R in the south. Met the b/f one night in Patong, Phuket (Yes, I know - what was I thinking.) He was introduced by the kid in the bar I have been drinking at for the past year. Kid knew I never went with anyone from the bar and just came in for a few beers to kill some time.

- B/f and I have been pretty close, especially last year and it isn't based on sex. In fact we have not had intercourse for a year and not even gotten messy for 6 months.

- I know more about his past and family than I think most partners in 20 yr+ LTRs know about thir partners.

B/f was given to sending me emails that always seemed to have cut and paste items in them. The clue was that his english writing skills are poor, yet he'd always write things like Love you miss you so much, love you so much, please call me, I want you. Never seemed sincere, and I'd comment on it only to receive the usual Thai empty stare.

I had long suspected that there was probably some action going on the side and I can handle that. What I always told him though was that, there had not be any other farangs in the picture and he better not be asking people for money etc. I'm cool if he has a Thai b/f his age. He was always very private when it came to his other friends, although I met many of the Thai guys. He was always getting lots of calls at all hours. He'd talk away knowing I wasn't fluent in Thai.

Long story short, he borrowed my laptop to get his emails and msn messenger and left his password in the sign on. I go to use it the laptop and up comes the 30+ contacts. I see at least 7 farang contacts, all blocked, including mine. Ok, no big deal, since I do the same. I notice that he has 8 pages of emails. Bugger doesn't delete anything. Always pissed me off too, that he'd reply to me using an email from 2 years ago.

Yes, I looked at the other emails from the farangs, because I had a strong expectation of what they would say. It should come as no surprise then that many of the emails contained the classic lines he used with me. None of the emails I saw asks for money though but always a plea for please call, I love you so much. He also knows that I had access to his emails because I told him. I also saw one email from a guy saying he was married and that he had to be careful or his wife would find out. (nice.)

In the past 2 years, I'd say I've given him 100,000 baht to help him and his family. Ok, I'm a sucker, but I could afford it and it was not a big thing for me. But I feel I have been betrayed as we had an understanding, no dealings with farangs if it was to play games. if he wanted to date someone else fine, just tell me and I'd move on and that would be that. In hindsight, while he may not have been a barboy when I met him, I wouldn't have been surprised if he had worked as one prior to that as he has that mentality. He currently works as a book keeper.

In the past 3 months he has been rather rude to me and only super nice when he needs a favor. (Yes, I know, I should have wised up.).

Question: Should I send an email to some of the people in his contact list that have the same messages I received and just say Hi, I got the following email from this guy, I know you have received the same. Thought you should know so you can decide for yourself as I would have appreciated if someone had told me. I wanted to send that to the 2 guys in Aus. because they were younger and seemed to be pretty decent, actually saying sorry guy can't call you, too expensive (LOL - yea right).

Ok call this thread therapeutic for me, because I certainly feel better for venting. Thanks for reading.

[Ijustwannateach]

Bad karma to cause trouble for him. Cut your losses and try again.

It rarely works out to do the long-distance thing, even with the best intentions on both sides- wouldn't go beating yourself up (or him) over it. If I were you I wouldn't consider things to be so serious until you've established a permanent presence in the country at some point in the future. That changes a lot of perspectives.

[petecooper]

I would rarely suggest this but yes I think you SHOULD contact those people and warn them. This kind of cr*p has got to stop. You know you were a sucker, and have been man enough to admit it! but others might not be so insightful. Just be sure whatever you say is diplomatic and helpful, not hurtful or spiteful. And for god's sake learn from your experience!!!

Best of luck.

[PeaceBlondie]

Up to you. Best not to harbor a grudge or to hurt yourself by making revenge.

But if you do send emails to the others, be sneaky. Like, send a group email to all of them (not giving out the other email addresses, just blind copies, not even giving your own main email address). Like, "Gee, I see somebody has been using my computer, and he seems to be playing the field wide and far, whilst pretending to be faithful to each of the others....maybe you want to do something about this..."

In either case, you might avoid further mistakes, starting by breaking all contact with the one you no longer trust. Do not return emails, SMS, phone calls. Just disappear forever and if you run into him some day, sort of barely remember you ever knew him.

A friend of mine had a dancer and shared him with another friend.....we both stopped taking his phone calls, and he finally stopped calling us.

[neilrob]

Very good question. I find myself agreeing to some extent with every response so far (both tell the others and do not tell them!), which is not very helpful. However, I incline more to the reply by Ijustwannateach. Better I think for you not to tell the others. Better just to put it all behind you and start again. The one thing I would do is to delete all the e-mails from his account (he may well not have a note of e-mail addresses, since he tends to reply to old e-mails). Also, I would change the password on his e-mail account, so that he does not have access to it again (and then make sure you yourself forget the new password, so you are not tempted to look at the account again---put it behind you). This will probably have the effect of cutting his communications with people he has been deceiving, but without the bad karma of telling them.

Neil

[Steve2UK]

Very good question. I find myself agreeing to some extent with every response so far (both tell the others and do not tell them!), which is not very helpful. However, I incline more to the reply by Ijustwannateach. Better I think for you not to tell the others. Better just to put it all behind you and start again. The one thing I would do is to delete all the e-mails from his account (he may well not have a note of e-mail addresses, since he tends to reply to old e-mails). Also, I would change the password on his e-mail account, so that he does not have access to it again (and then make sure you yourself forget the new password, so you are not tempted to look at the account again---put it behind you). This will probably have the effect of cutting his communications with people he has been deceiving, but without the bad karma of telling them.

Neil

Seconded - spot on.

[Scott]

I don't think there is anything wrong with informing others of his behavior--although be careful not say anything that isn't true. I also wouldn't do it if there is any way he can get a hold of you. A lot of people, and especially people like this, can be very revengeful. Remember he has A LOT to lose. He is likely to be really p*ssed off.

[Ijustwannateach]

^And as has already been established, not especially scrupulous.

[bangsecks]

I don't think you should write anyone and I don't think you should do anything to the emails, that would be spite more than concern for other people it seems to me. I would just leave it and forget it and keep your hands out of the mess, as you won't be really leaving it behind you by mailing those people, you'll be further involving youself with a guy who isn't worthy of your time; other people are adults and don't need you to warn them.

[kek]

If you delete his emails and change the password you will ruin his social life and ruin his earnings potential. If that's what you choose to do make sure there is no way that he suspects it was you who did it. And if you do that then go for your R&R some other place for the next few months.

[Eman]

Question: Should I send an email to some of the people in his contact list that have the same messages I received and just say Hi, I got the following email from this guy, I know you have received the same. Thought you should know so you can decide for yourself as I would have appreciated if someone had told me. I wanted to send that to the 2 guys in Aus. because they were younger and seemed to be pretty decent, actually saying sorry guy can't call you, too expensive (LOL - yea right).

Ok call this thread therapeutic for me, because I certainly feel better for venting. Thanks for reading.

Think about it from the opposite side...

Would you want to get such an email from someone telling you about your boyfriend ?

Would you believe it was true ? Would you confront the BF ?

If you feel you would aprreciate such an email, then send it, else don't.

[Ijustwannateach]

^Well, if you wanted to be REALLY sneaky, you'd email them his name and password from ANOTHER account and tell them to check it out without changing anything if they really wanted to know the truth.

"S"

[jdinasia]

Or simply if you had any ethics at all you wouldn't have gone through his emails etc. Your behavior is not one wit better than his.

[PeaceBlondie]

Yes, jd, shame on those of us who think it would be unethical to check out a partner. The zinger, however, is that if you catch the guy cheating and stealing, it's not the worst crime in the situation, to have caught him. Such as, the SE Asian who for some stupid reason told me he was 17. I checked his ID and found him to be 25.

[Ijustwannateach]

I find it a bit preposterous to say that warning foreigners of conning, cheats, scams, stealing, or lying is somehow as bad as the actual conning, cheating, scamming, stealing and/or lying...

I don't go out of my way to stalk most scammers I know about & warn off their marks, but I certainly warn my friends when they approach and I don't regard my efforts as tantamount to scamming- nor would most people, I think...

In this case, I think going out of his way to warn adult strangers is a bit OTT and vengeful... better for his karma to leave it alone- but mainly because doing so might bring more trouble to him, not because I think it is fundamentally "immoral" in some way.

"S"

[easyride]

Cut your losses.

[neilrob]

So, OP, did you tell the others? Please tell us what you finally decided to do.