Trip Back Home To Meet The Parents In Kk For Song Kran

[oceanrover]

I understand exactly where you are coming from. I did not get the direct request from the family, but it was implied through other channels. I refused to pay SinSod when we got married, but I made it clear that their daughter would be taken care of and they would be assisted as well depending on the request. It has been almost three years now and we just finished building a new western style house for my mother-in-law outside Ubon, but it is in my daughter's name. Placing it in my daughter's name was my mother-in-laws idea so that makes me feel a little more at ease. It is a very nice house and the cost was not that much compared to other locations. It is a 3 bedrooms, 2 bath with a large living room and dining room. 1 million baht seems a little steep for rural Thailand IMHO. We spent around 700k including the fencing and carport. The family already owned the land and had it raised several years ago. I would do as others have suggested and wait to see what develops in the future. If you get married, then you can discuss the matter after that. I opted to wait until we had children to further solidify the situation, but not all families seem to be as patient as my wife's. I love my wife and she loves her family so....... accept it or find a western girl who has less than sought after values towards family.

Things turn out well more than they do not in my experience. I may be a little too optimistic, but it makes life easier to deal with when one is not pessimistic or suspicious. Each to their own though as we all have different life experiences that shape our decisions.

Mike in Seattle

[tiger50]

Read my lips...and words...please....

"Nor was/am I planning to get married with her any time soon, or haul off and fork over 1 million baht for their family house. But I am trying to decide how best to respond to their request, and what to do about my relationship with the lady."

Thanks again...

best response is tell them to <deleted> off, open your eyes, they are trying to shaft you, yes understand you are happy with the girlfriend....this is thailand, and shafting falang for house builds is the norm here, they don't need any explanation.

[bergen]

Read my lips...and words...please....

"Nor was/am I planning to get married with her any time soon, or haul off and fork over 1 million baht for their family house. But I am trying to decide how best to respond to their request, and what to do about my relationship with the lady."

Thanks again...

best response is tell them to <deleted> off, open your eyes, they are trying to shaft you, yes understand you are happy with the girlfriend....this is thailand, and shafting falang for house builds is the norm here, they don't need any explanation.

Wonder why so many farangs enjoy Thailand, if the norm is bitternes like this

[llso]

I don't have time to read through the entire post. I have been with a Issan woman for 8 years married for 5 and now living back in Farangland. I lived in Thailand for 6 years working. I too built the obligatory house but it took years and was not at all elaborate by Frang standards. I used the house as a bargaining chip when we got married as to not pay a Sin Sot. I mainly agreed to build the house because my girlfriend at the time was pregnant with our daughter. My future in Thailand was uncertain at the time and I had just got a chunk of money.I considered it insurance for them in at least they would have a decent place to live.

Invariably anyone who gets involved with an Issan girl will get the pitch for the house. As a aclose friend told me last year because his girl was upset she didn't get the house for the parents " Just because you are banging their daughter you got to build them a house". Even now we continue to support the "family" on a basic level. This post also goes to show its not just the P4P girls but the GTG as well. I think that the GTG are more demanding because they believe they are worth more because they are GTG.

I agree it is way too early for this sort of request. actually downright greedy or at least testing the waters.

LL

[PaddyThai]

I don't have time to read through the entire post. I have been with a Issan woman for 8 years married for 5 and now living back in Farangland. I lived in Thailand for 6 years working. I too built the obligatory house but it took years and was not at all elaborate by Frang standards. I used the house as a bargaining chip when we got married as to not pay a Sin Sot. I mainly agreed to build the house because my girlfriend at the time was pregnant with our daughter. My future in Thailand was uncertain at the time and I had just got a chunk of money.I considered it insurance for them in at least they would have a decent place to live.

Invariably anyone who gets involved with an Issan girl will get the pitch for the house. As a aclose friend told me last year because his girl was upset she didn't get the house for the parents " Just because you are banging their daughter you got to build them a house". Even now we continue to support the "family" on a basic level. This post also goes to show its not just the P4P girls but the GTG as well. I think that the GTG are more demanding because they believe they are worth more because they are GTG.

I agree it is way too early for this sort of request. actually downright greedy or at least testing the waters.

LL

Intersting view.

Could you dispel my ignorance please and translate what P4P and GTG means.

Thanks,

[llso]

I don't have time to read through the entire post. I have been with a Issan woman for 8 years married for 5 and now living back in Farangland. I lived in Thailand for 6 years working. I too built the obligatory house but it took years and was not at all elaborate by Frang standards. I used the house as a bargaining chip when we got married as to not pay a Sin Sot. I mainly agreed to build the house because my girlfriend at the time was pregnant with our daughter. My future in Thailand was uncertain at the time and I had just got a chunk of money.I considered it insurance for them in at least they would have a decent place to live.

Invariably anyone who gets involved with an Issan girl will get the pitch for the house. As a aclose friend told me last year because his girl was upset she didn't get the house for the parents " Just because you are banging their daughter you got to build them a house". Even now we continue to support the "family" on a basic level. This post also goes to show its not just the P4P girls but the GTG as well. I think that the GTG are more demanding because they believe they are worth more because they are GTG.

I agree it is way too early for this sort of request. actually downright greedy or at least testing the waters.

LL

Intersting view.

Could you dispel my ignorance please and translate what P4P and GTG means.

Thanks,

Sorry,

Was in abit of a hurry , P4P = Pay for Play , GTG = Good Thai Girl. Don't normally us abbreviations.

[jfchandler]

Thanks for the post... May I ask... how much did you spend on the house, where was it built, and how long after you were married did you do it??? And so instead, you didn't pay any sin sod at marriage time???

I don't have time to read through the entire post. I have been with a Issan woman for 8 years married for 5 and now living back in Farangland. I lived in Thailand for 6 years working. I too built the obligatory house but it took years and was not at all elaborate by Frang standards. I used the house as a bargaining chip when we got married as to not pay a Sin Sot. I mainly agreed to build the house because my girlfriend at the time was pregnant with our daughter. My future in Thailand was uncertain at the time and I had just got a chunk of money.I considered it insurance for them in at least they would have a decent place to live.

Invariably anyone who gets involved with an Issan girl will get the pitch for the house. As a aclose friend told me last year because his girl was upset she didn't get the house for the parents " Just because you are banging their daughter you got to build them a house". Even now we continue to support the "family" on a basic level. This post also goes to show its not just the P4P girls but the GTG as well. I think that the GTG are more demanding because they believe they are worth more because they are GTG.

I agree it is way too early for this sort of request. actually downright greedy or at least testing the waters.

LL

Intersting view.

Could you dispel my ignorance please and translate what P4P and GTG means.

Thanks,

Sorry,

Was in abit of a hurry , P4P = Pay for Play , GTG = Good Thai Girl. Don't normally us abbreviations.

[llso]

Thanks for the post... May I ask... how much did you spend on the house, where was it built, and how long after you were married did you do it??? And so instead, you didn't pay any sin sod at marriage time???

I don't have time to read through the entire post. I have been with a Issan woman for 8 years married for 5 and now living back in Farangland. I lived in Thailand for 6 years working. I too built the obligatory house but it took years and was not at all elaborate by Frang standards. I used the house as a bargaining chip when we got married as to not pay a Sin Sot. I mainly agreed to build the house because my girlfriend at the time was pregnant with our daughter. My future in Thailand was uncertain at the time and I had just got a chunk of money.I considered it insurance for them in at least they would have a decent place to live.

Invariably anyone who gets involved with an Issan girl will get the pitch for the house. As a aclose friend told me last year because his girl was upset she didn't get the house for the parents " Just because you are banging their daughter you got to build them a house". Even now we continue to support the "family" on a basic level. This post also goes to show its not just the P4P girls but the GTG as well. I think that the GTG are more demanding because they believe they are worth more because they are GTG.

I agree it is way too early for this sort of request. actually downright greedy or at least testing the waters.

LL

Intersting view.

Could you dispel my ignorance please and translate what P4P and GTG means.

Thanks,

Sorry,

Was in abit of a hurry , P4P = Pay for Play , GTG = Good Thai Girl. Don't normally us abbreviations.

JF,

How Much did I spend on the house?

Well it took a while and I dis the majority of the work when the USD was trading pretty high to the Baht. I didn't build it all at one time which was a bit of a disappointment for the family (Ma & PA) as you could imagine. It was pretty much livable in the first year. and we would do improvements each time we would visit a few times a year. I was living in Thailand at the time and overssen many building projects for my work so had a good idea what was going on

The total cost is probably somewhere in the neighborhood of 7-800 K total. I got a lot of things when our factory closed down , like pumps ,water tanks, air cond etc. Another thing was that my two brother in laws and other family who lived there are excellent builders so they did a lot of the work for beer ,cigs,food ,etc.

Where was it built?

It was built in a typical Issan Village far from anything in Buriram about 25 km S of Buriram City.

Now has paved roads. not that bad really. House is very near big school. Was built on family land next to lod house, Typical Issan shack.

How long after married was it built?

It was actually being built before we were officially married.(registered at Amphur) but had done the village string tying bit. As I mentioned before my wife girlfriend at time was pregnant so I had a bit of leverage. But to answer ? we were married about a year later after building started.

The Sin Sod Issue?

Well, My wife's mother came to stay with us before the baby was born, and we had made preliminary plans to get married. One day after much chatter with her mother the subject of the Sin Sod came up. I said well what do you think the big house I'm building is? She told her mother after a bit of banter, and Mama siad OK "Mai Pen Rai.

Many have bben surprised to learn you don't need to build the house and pay a Sin Sod too. Your mileage may vary.

LL

[Nip]

Just returned from a Song Kran trip to KK with my TGF where I wanted to (and did) meet her parents and family for the first time. It was a VERY interesting experience, and I could REALLY use some advice from the veteran Isan hands here --- my basic question is.... How reasonable/normal is their request????

I think sir its time to cash in your chips and move on... Sorry to comment thus ...Over here we set the ground rules not them... Do you really think that after coughing up a million baht without a murmur you will be allowed to rest easy? The only person to listen to and will not lie to you is your own gut feeling and I think yours is telling you something aint right and thats exactly how it is... There are hundreds of decent sorts out there but next time make sure you lay down the parameters in which you are willing to engage from the outset... Many Thai families look upon their daughters as being legal tender do you really wish to be associated with an organisation like this? Good hunting...

[Gary A]

My in laws have a new house too. BUT, it wasn't built by me. The youngest girl is married to a Thai Chinese guy. He works for an American company in Bangkok and his wife and another sister have a little shop in Bangkok selling this and that with a beauty shop combined. They built the house for mom and pop because mom takes care of their two kids. The oldest boy, about 12 years old, hates Bangkok and wants to stay up country. The youngest, about a year and a half is too much of a handful. This is up to them but I suffer too. The kids love to come and stay with their Aunt. She spoils them badly. That's my wife. I'm not particularly fond of kids and the rule is that if anyone moves in with us, I'm off back to the farang ghetto with or without my wife. She pushes it to the limit and only when I get really crotchety does she limit their visits. We all have our little burdens to put up with and that's mine.

[feffejonsson]

I have lived in lower Isaan for almost five years. Still married to the same woman since four years. I personally have only good experiences from my inlaws. They have never asked me for anything and has always treated me with love, respect and a little bit of fascination. But I know some guys who has had some really bad experiences with their relationships. However if the scene that you describe would have taken place the first time i met the familly of my present wife I would have proceeded with caution. Naturally it takes some effort to join two completely diffrent cultures but the last thing you want to do in Isaan is to present yourself as easy prey. Even if the immediate familiy of your wife prove themself to be honest and upright you might attract the more distant family members trying to suck you dry. On the other hand you don´t want to be considered stingy. Put some pressure on your girlfriend and see where it leeds.

Listen to your heart!

Edited May 7, 2008 by feffejonsson

[SnakeBite]

RUN FOREST RUN, or you'll be paying for the rest of your life.

[spongeman]

RUN FOREST RUN, or you'll be paying for the rest of your life.

I am married to a thai woman from Loei. (We now live in Ireland) . I have been to visit her family loads of times and they have never asked me for one baht. OK i always throw in a contribution for a party etc

whenever we go over or for the temple ( in Dansai, Loei ), no problem. So without preaching to you my friend I would be very careful.

My own feelings veer towards the negative.

[jfchandler]

RUN FOREST RUN, or you'll be paying for the rest of your life.

SnakeBite..... I don't have a dog in this fight... Don't hate all Isaan women... Don't think they're all great...

But... you must have RUN FOREST RUN programmed as a repeat key on your keyboard...because...I think you've chimed in with that about 100 times!!!!

How about... RUN SUCKER RUN.... or ... RUN FARANG RUN!!!!!! Ain't no one named FOREST at this address!!!!

[Templer]

JFC

Well said mate

The way I see it,

you seem to have your head screwed on.

Go with your heart, but also be careful where money and the family are concerned,

The pressure will always be on your Girlfriend,

Even after 7 years together, the family always put the pressure on my Wife,

It came to a head last year,

They now know that I am no push over, but the pressure is always there,

Good Luck for the future.

Templer

[roygsd]

Just returned from a Song Kran trip to KK with my TGF where I wanted to (and did) meet her parents and family for the first time. It was a VERY interesting experience, and I could REALLY use some advice from the veteran Isan hands here --- my basic question is.... How reasonable/normal is their request????

First... some background.... I live in BKK, mid 40s, and I met the lady (mid 20s, never married, no children) a few months ago. She is a university graduate and working an office job in BKK now, but her family (Mom, Dad (a school teacher) and relatives) lives in a small village about an hour outside KK city. She never has had anything to do with the bar scene or P4P... I think she's great and beautiful, and we made a good couple together. When we're together, I always cover our expenses as the man.. But she's never asked me for any money or to pay for anything, and sometimes instead wants to pay for things herself (such as shopping) from her own salary money.

So, we stayed at the Kosa Hotel, and her family (Mom, Dad and two aunts) drove into town. We met together at the hotel for about two hours talking and getting to know, and then went for dinner together. They wanted to go to MK at the nearby mall, and I paid of course. And then after dinner, I bought a bottle of Johnnie Walker Black as a gift for her father, since I wanted to get a greeting gift for the family. By my TGF's account that night, the meeting and evening went fine, and she told me her parents liked me and were happy.

So the next morning, we're staying in the hotel and the family has gone back to their village, and my GF is talking on the phone with her mom. Then, off the phone, and quiet quiet, not talking any more. Then hugging me and crying crying.... Finally, after about an hour of coaxing, she finally tells me her family doesn't think I can "take care" of her. Then more more talking, and finally the next day, she tells me her Mom told her the family doesn't want her to see me any more at all. All of this, I find pretty strange and shocking, since I'm not lacking in resources, and have a professional career and demeanor... not a scruffy backpacker.

So, while not expert in the ways of Isan, I have learned a bit during my time in Thailand, so I ask the GF to put two questions to her family: why do they think I can't "take care" for her, and what can I do to make the family feel comfortable with us as a couple? More phone calls and talking, and then finally the answer is relayed: the family has an old house (western, not rural Thai style), but they want me to build a new house for the family in their village on their land, assuming we get married. And the idea is, the parents would live there, and there'd also be a place for the GF and I when we come from BKK to stay in the village at times.

It also seems, my TGF has an aunt in the village (late 30s, two children, divorced from Thai husband) who recently has acquired an English BF. And while I'm not sure they are actually married, the TGF tells me he has just finished building a new two bedroom house for him and the lady and her children that cost above 1 million baht. So, my GF tells me that everyone in her family and the village would be happy if I did the same like that, about 1 million baht.

So, my GF's basic idea (after talking to her family) is we would get married and I'd pay to build the house for her family. The family wouldn't be looking for any sin sod (other than the house) and wouldn't need to have a wedding ceremony/party or baht gold, etc. Now, at 1 million baht, that works out to about $32,000 U.S., which is well within my ability to afford.

But, as much as I like/love this lady, the way her family handled the situation really has put me off. I remember someone saying that when you marry a Thai lady, you don't just marry her, you also marry her family. So basically, the family doesn't care if their daughter has a formal wedding or a wedding party or baht gold or whatever. They care if her husband builds a house for the family. And more than anything else, they seem concerned that whatever we do "shows" to everyone else in the village that their daughter married a farang who can take care....

I'm not sure what to do about all this... I think this lady is a keeper for me... But, the family gives me the creeps.... And, add to that, the fact that basically I'd have no legal ownership/rights to the KK house that I'd paid to build, because of the laws in Thailand re farang property ownership...and all the horror stories about those kinds of situations.

Or, maybe I'm just not understanding of the normal custom for an Isan family about these things... Help!!!!!!!

Hi,

After reading the responses to this thread to date I think it is safe to add my thoughts on the matter.

Firstly I congratulate the O/P for having the good sense to hang on a little longer to see how things develope, he obiously isnt going to be rushed into something he isnt comfortable with.

I dont understand quite why so many of strong negative postings have been made, after all it is instinctive for any woman (or man to come to that!) to find a mate that can provide a secure future for her and her future ofspring no matter where in the world she is from, and I see nothing wrong in that, in fact as the father of 4 daughters I dont want my kids to get shacked up to someone who cannot or willnot prvide for his families future.

The difference is that as a farang my daughters have not been brought up with the same values as Thai females, there are good and bad points to both upbringings in my view, but farang parents by and large have over the years been able to afford to provide for ther families and to cater for requirments in their old age unlike many thai families who perhaps have not had ( and quite possibly will never have) the good fortune of a decent education and employment and the benefits that come as a result.

Clearly the O/P should be pleased that the family want the best for their daughter in the first instance, and whilst I think they would be naturally delighted if he were foolish enough to give them ( not their daughter) 1M Baht I have no doubt that they would also conider him a cash cow for the future.

Make no mistake, any farang marrying a thai woman must expect to help out the wifes family as and when necessary, if the boot were on the other foot would (or should ?) the farang man refuse to help his own parents/siblings if the were in dire straits and he was in a postion to help? I would hope they would help but judging by some of the responses to this posting It seems not everyone here may not be that like- minded, up- to- them as they say.

Setting aside for the moment the O/P's needs/wants, lets consider the ladies situation for a moment.

Firstly the power and influence of the family is very real and should not be underestimated, she is under real pressure make no mistake, secondly she is very fortunate to have obtained decent employment which has opned her eyes to the wider world outside of the issan village and mae no mistake this lady ( or any lady for that matter) wants a secure future and knows that the villlage life is never going to provide that for her, so what is she to do? What would you really do in her position?

Discarding the parents is impossible, discarding the O/P who I feel sure she has real feelings for is not something she is willing to do either, in her position I would do exactly what she seems to be doing and trying to strike a balance that keeps the peace and thats not easy as we can see.

My advice to the O/P is to balance up all of the advice given on this site, add to that his own feelings for the lady, then add his own experience of the lady in how he conducts herself, throw in a large dose of sympathy for the very difficut situation of the lady and then decide what he must do for the best for himself and the lady to try to ensure their future together is as trouble free as possible.

The age difference between my wife and I is roughy the same as the O/P and his lady and needs to be considered but having said that dont get hung up on it.

If as ppears the case, the O/P has strong attachments to the lady and she feels the same then in my view the O/P must accept that like it or not his wife to be cannot be expected to disregard the needs of her family.

If he is going to make the most of what could be the best thing that has happened to him then in my view he must totally accept that he and his wife will be required to provide financial assistance to her family as an ongoing reality, and if he cannot accept that then he should vote with his feet now for everyones sake.

Talk ofMarrage seems to be a bit premature at the moment but hey, if its right its right in my opinion, as the O/P does not seem to be without resources and could provide the 1M if he wished I dont think the family are going to shun him anytime soon, I suspect they want security for their daughter and no doubt if they can get some for themselves at the same time they would take it with open arms.

Marrage is a serious investment financially and every other way, if I were in the O/Ps position I would make it clear to the family that the relationship is very new and any talk of marrage at this time is speculative at this time.

I would confirm my feelings for their daughter and also ask them to explain what basis they have decided you cannot afford to provide for their daughter, ask them a spolitely as possible do they have someone locally in mind who was willing to marry their daughter and could provide her more security than he can?

Sure they will consider having to provide a response to these questions will result in a loss of face for them and I am fairly sure that they will do anything but give you a direct answer to those questions, their daughter will have already warned them that their demands are not going to be met so I am fairly certain a substantial reduction will follow.

If and when the O/P choses to marry then I would point out to the parents that as he is not a young man they must appreciate that his priority must be to provide for his and their daughters financial future together, I would suggest that a sinsod of between 200k and 400k is well within his reach and he should be prepared to send a reasonable amount as and when it is possible and reasonable to do so.

I am sure that the lady would be prepared to continue towork and send a portion of her wages home if necessary to keep the peace, as forthe house I would be prepared to consider paying for a house to be built onland donated by the parents to thier daughter and kept entirely in her name and if this requires the family to have their names taken off the land where the parents live then so be it.

The reality is the lady in question will be obliged to allow her parents to continue to live rent free and maintainance free in the new house and no doubt continue to send money home from time to time, personally I consider 1M to be a great investment in return for years of happyness, but then thats my outlook on life,my ex cost far more than that a year to maintain harmony and I suspect provided far less value over all than the O/Ps lady has provided him with already!

Hope it works out for the O/P and he seems to be reasonable in his expectations, the final point is if you are not prepared to lose it they you have no business gamleing with it in the first place

good luck

roygsd

[bergen]

I dislike these long posts...........make me consentrate too much

Anyway - (as said before) I think the OP is on top of the situation - and will manage well whatever direction it goes

[corkman]

Read my lips...and words...please....

"Nor was/am I planning to get married with her any time soon, or haul off and fork over 1 million baht for their family house. But I am trying to decide how best to respond to their request, and what to do about my relationship with the lady."

Thanks again...

ok. my thoughts. try ignoring the situation - see how "forceful" she is about it, then try a bit of good old fashioned honesty The seeds you sow now will be the harvest you later reap. If the matter is seen through to its conclusion, then there are two possible outcomes. EVENTUALLY you will either (1) Build the house OR (2) Not build the house. Bare with me here.... I am getting to a point

Scenario 1 - if, over the next 12 months-24months or whatever, your ralationship blossoms, and you go ahead and marry the girl - then will you be happy and forthcoming to part with the 1m bht.? If so, then I think the white lie of "my money is tied up" is a good option - it means you are agreeing to build it, but you are not actually commited to it....... if things don't work out and you break up, then you have not really broken your word.....

Secnario 2 - if you are not happy to part with the 1m bht., period, or think that it is OTT / disingenuous / ulterior motives etc. then the "my money is tied up" line is gonig to cause more problems than it will solve.

As I interpret it, you are not comfortable with the idea that her parents have bascially said "if he doen't build us a 1m bht house, you are forbidden to see him". And you want a bit of time to think it over, analyse the idea, without damaging the relationship in the interim. If I interpret you incorrectly, then ignore the post

To that end, I will err on the side that you are not comfortable with the way this has been handled, and cannot help but feel / suspect you are being taken for a ride. All I would say to you at this stage is that how YOU handle YOUR repsonse will set a precedent for your future together. If you do not like being put in this situation now, you will never like it, and it may well become a bone of contention later. So, if you accept it and "play along", I suspect you will be drawn ever deeper into the the relationship, and find it ever more increasingly difficult to resolve things....... This is where my policy of ignore it, let her bring it up, and repsond with honesty comes into play. She will eventually approach you about it - and see what her attitude is like then - if you feel you are being pressured into something, then say so. If she is a universtiy graduate, then her english should be good. Explain the situation - easier said then done I know. But - explain to her that you want to be happy together - and to be happy it means you BOTH must be happy. Explain that things in your culture are different than her culture and that you are happy to build them the house, but NOT NOW. She will probably ask "when" to which you reply "when we get married"..... see how that goes down.....

As far as I would be concerned, the ball is still in her court. To be honest, I think the fact that this has been put to you so aggressively and at such an early stage shows one of two things - either she does not understand farang cultures OR she does not care about them and things your relationship should be Thai Thai Thai. If she does not understand, that needs to be rectified - if she does not care....... well that is only something you can know if you are happy with. Personally, I would not be happy with it - I feel it should be a compromise..... others feel that they are tired of compromise and want to immerse themselves totally in Thai culture.....

In short - it sounds to me like you are being taken for a ride....... its not often I say things like, but in this case I think its true.

At some stage she is going to have to realise you are not a Thai man, and that you will react differently than a Thai man would - by the same measure, you need to realise the same about her.

Me, personally, I would grab the bull by the horns - when asked "what about house for my family" - I would reply "I am very worried and not very happy about how your family treated me. I went all the way up to see them, I was polite and showed respect. I paid for lunch, and they smiled to my face. Then they say I am not good enough for you behind my back, after knowing me for 2hrs. They say I am no good for you, but they let me take you back to bangkok with me? Do you think I am good enough for you? Do you think I can look after you? I am very upset now because you say I cannot look after you properly. And I am more upset because I think your parents don't care if you are happy or not as long they get their house"...... try that and see how that flies...... if she admits you can look after her, then the battle is won....... if not, then in my mind 'its all about the money'.... sparks will fly..... but when it settles down, she will either walk or stay..... but at no ponit promise the money - give it the "we'll see" line.... neither yes or no.... just "we'll see" ...... and if she insists, give her the "why is money so important line" and ask her out straight if another man comes along and says he will build a 2m baht house, then will she leave you for him? Try and get the point across that 'money is not a problem' its the way she is going about it....... unless of course you intended to marry her, and be bullied into every financial whim that takes..... because ultiamtely, that is where I woudl see things going - at face vale.

Just my thoughts on the matter........I know nothing about you, your girl, or her fmaily other than what I have read here - if it appears assuming or disrepsectfulthen I appologise - it is not my intention ............... but ultimately I still think it stinks to high heaven..... sorry.

PS. couple of references to Bar Girls here - I know personally about 30 couples thai-farang couples - some married so called "well to do" thai ladies - university graduates and all that..... others married bar girls...... I can assure you, as far as money goes at least, the university girls are more than capable of ripping off their hubbies and are every bit as nasty a bit of work as any "pro" I have come accross. Most "bar girls" simply want to be looked after...... alot of "uni" girls have watched too much TV and want and expect to be treated like Paris Hilton.....

Edited May 27, 2008 by corkman

[coventry]

Becoming a bar girl has to be equal to someone going into prison owing to a minor offence and coming out a safe breaker. The bar scene is a school for less well educated Thai women to be more skillful in the art of fleecing the farang. That isn't a failing as there's no fool like an old fool and I feel they deserve it. Sorry I've met quite a few young ones as well.

Edited May 27, 2008 by coventry

[corkman]

Becoming a bar girl has to be equal to someone going into prison owing to a minor offence and coming out a safe breaker. The bar scene is a school for less well educated Thai women to be more skillful in the art of fleecing the farang. That isn't a failing as there's no fool like an old fool and I feel they deserve it. Sorry I've met quite a few young ones as well.

This is quite true - if in reference to my previous "PS" the sentiment I was trying to convey was that a univertiy degree does not mean they "good" girls, it is not a certificate of virtue or honour, and does not make them in any way exempt from the "fleece the farang" mind set..... some even exploit it to a greater advantage.....

In fairness to bar girls and jail birds alike - they are not all the same..... there are pro's and there are pro's..... put a budding ganster in the nick he's going to graduate a hardened criminal.... stick selfish little brat in a bar girl seen and your gonna get a real pro...... but it depends on how long they are in the bar for... some are there a couple of months, in a quiet bar, and meet a nice guy...... others are less fortunate .......... don't wanna go into it to be honest - its off topic for the thread, and not fair to the OP.

[coventry]

Yes it is on thread because down the line it connects. I don't see a break.

[corkman]

Yes it is on thread because down the line it connects. I don't see a break.

More specifically - I do not want to be the one to divert this from a "should I build her a house" thread to a "virtues and vices of bar girls" thread - happy to discuss further if you wanna start a new thread titled same ..... or indeed if this thread, with the participation of the OP heads that way of its own accord.

Edited May 27, 2008 by corkman

[swain]

hmmm ... If the house was being built for their daughter and you to live in ... I think this would be a reasonable request... to show that you are going to take care of their daughter. Of course with all the safe guards in place when doing so. And seeing your bucks up... you could look for a house that is already built, build up her credit and you make the down payment on a 30 year mortgage. You are doing what they want... and covering your bases as well... but their interest seems selfish at best.. and a scam at worst...

My family wanted us to buy a house as well but for ourselves and for our soon to be born child. This seems reasonable but we have a 30 year mortgage as well.

[ajarnbangkapi]

Bad behaviour from girlfriend and her family.

Be very careful, the parents are obviously looking for "showcase house" money, not "happyness" or good live for the daughter. If you want a future with this girl, tell her it does not include her family, and settle down far away from KK. If she don't agree..............................walk away.

There are plenty of good Isaan girls - and parents

i agree with you"

[PaddyThai]

Where's the OP gone?

How about an update !!

[jfchandler]

OP's still here... but doggone if I know what to say in the way of an update...

More than a month ago, after she had lost her job in BKK, she all was ready to take a resort hotel job in the south, and we stayed together until the day before she was supposed to travel south... Said goodbye here in BKK, for the timebeing then, and then....???

She disappeared for the better part of the past month... No answering her mobile phone... No returning SMSs.... So I called or messaged, at first maybe once a week...and then... maybe every two weeks...and heard nothing at all. Then finally about a week ago, out of the blue, I got an SMS from her saying she hadn't gone south, hadn't taken that job, but instead had gone back home to KK and was staying with her parents and not working... I had hoped we'd talk together then, but we didn't connect.

Then a few days ago during the daytime, just to see what would happen, I called her mobile on my BKK house phone (02) number, which she had never had on her mobile because I rarely use it, and she answered the phone. And sure enough, from the noise in the background, I could recognize that she was in fact staying at her home...

We talked quite a bit that day, and she said she was planning to stay at her home for the time being, not really looking for work, not sure when she'd be back to BKK. Her voice sounded kind of bad/sad, right from the moment she answered the phone, almost like she had been crying... (and I don't mean she sounded like that AFTER we'd been talking...)

All I could get from her, that day, was her saying that her parents had NOT wanted her to take the resort job in the south. And as to why she'd basically disappeared for the past month, she said she was having some kind of "problem" at home, but wouldn't say or explain about what... I finally asked if she meant something about her health, and she at least said NO...

So beyond that, the last time we talked, she said she still loved me and would see me next time she came back to BKK.... But honestly, I don't have a clue of what's really going on here... So meanwhile, I'm going about my life, because I don't really have anything to wait for...under the circumstances... About the future, who knows....

[bergen]

Sounds like pressure from her family was to much - she could'nt stand against it, and was forced to leave her job and move back to her parents. ? SAD!

[NowImEasy]

Well maybe everyone has had his say on this matter, but me. I remember a very similar thread some months back about sin sod, and the majority of the responses were negative. But in both discussions, little was said about the Issan culture of 'face'. If a falang comes to town and builds a house for he and his wife, this sets a standard for the others to follow. A farmer sends his daughter to college and expects to be repaid. So the falang that wants his daughter then has to build a bigger house than the last falang or that means his daughter is not worth as much as his neighbor's daughter, and he loses face. To us falangs, it's stupid, but the girl is bound by tradition to obey her family. But now, the young and educated Issan ladies know vastly more about the real world and are more willing to follow their own hearts (thank God). The lady will know that her family will always accept her and love her.

So my advise??? Keep the advise of all the elders on this site (I've read for years, but just joined). Be careful. But if I were to choose which path to take, based on my experience, keep this lady. Treat her well, and just maybe you will be happy for the rest of your life. BUT GET A PRE-NUP

Pay a lawyer for a useless pre-nup? Why? You can't own any property other than a vehicle and a condo. If you buy the condo and vehicle before you marry, they belong to you and she can't touch them. If you buy a house, you can't have it in your name and in fact must sign a document that you have no interest in the property. YES, I know there are going to be guys who will say you can own the house but not the land and can lease the land from your wife. The best bet is to not spend more than you can afford to walk away from. If it goes bad, just walk away.

You are right on there, buddy. I did't make my intention/advise clear. From bitter experience I've learned an important life lesson. My Filipina wife of over 22 years will go back home with about 150000usd. So my advise to get a pre-nup (about 9000 baht) will protect a guy's assets back in the homeland if they marry. Los laws are a different world.

[PaddyThai]

I would be interested to hear an update on this story. Any news jfChandler.

[Saendaeng]

Only one thing to remember here.........

Thailadys and the relatives , can be some of the best Actors and Actresses of the world.

Try play hard , i think you will discover the real truth.