Family Pressure

[khunandy]

My wifes father disappeared about 20 years ago, he has family in the village so I guess he had updates while my wife was growing up but she hadnt laid her eyes on him apart from once about 15 years ago when she was introduced to him by a relative...then nothing again.

I came on the scene four years ago and last year built a house in the village and have pretty much settled down here inbetween work commitments.

About a year ago I called my wife from work and she was excited because her father had contacted her and wanted her to come visit him in his village about 50 kms away. He had long ago remarried and had two more children. I felt a knot in my guts as she told me.

She went and stayed for 2 nights and met her step siblings and said the dad was a nice guy etc etc, she also felt compelled to gift him 5000 baht when she was leaving( cheeky bugger took it as well).

What stuck in her craw though was the fact that her 2 step siblings are attending university, something she had wanted but the family couldnt afford.

He has a small farm as well as a reasonable sized herd of cows.

I told her not to be too generous with this guy as he had offered no support for her during her years of growing up and only seemed to appear after she hit farang paydirt. This didnt go down too well but must have made her think a bit. I asked her the other day if she had seen or heard from her father and she said he had called her up and asked her to "lend" him 40,000 baht to help her step siblings University costs. I felt that knot in the guts again.

Anyway, I am proud of the girl because she said she would, but in return wanted to 'borrow" a bull and a couple of cows from him so it might work out well.....he wouldnt part with the cattle, as they "are for my childrens future" and she wouldnt part with the dough. She didnt want the cows , it was just her little test of his sincerity and she told me that she couldnt bring herself to help out with costs as she couldnt stop thinking about her own opportunities lost...hasn't heard (herd?) from him since.

This got me to asking what other requests she has had recently. It seems the Uncle also wanted her to take on a bad debt. he is owed 30,000 baht by his in-laws (who have money and European son-in laws etc) his simple solution was for my wife to give him 30,000 baht and then she in turn could chase the loan up to recoup the 30,000 baht. I think she was more insulted by this suggestion than anything else. She turned him down and come to think of it we havent seen him for a while either.

About couple of years ago, coincidently about the time we registered our land, we received a letter from a finance company calling on 20,000 baht that my wife had guarenteed a loan for a friend 2 years previously. The loan hasnt been repaid and now it was time to honour the guarentee. I calmly explained to my wife that there is no escaping this and to ring up the company to arrange payment installments , it all went smoothly but of course the old "friend" cannot be located. I hope it is a relatively cheap lesson.

She seems to have insulated herself from the extended family a bit lately which puzzled me, I can only wonder what other requests she receives that I dont know about.

Khun Andy

[digitele]

My wifes father disappeared about 20 years ago, he has family in the village so I guess he had updates while my wife was growing up but she hadnt laid her eyes on him apart from once about 15 years ago when she was introduced to him by a relative...then nothing again.

I came on the scene four years ago and last year built a house in the village and have pretty much settled down here inbetween work commitments.

About a year ago I called my wife from work and she was excited because her father had contacted her and wanted her to come visit him in his village about 50 kms away. He had long ago remarried and had two more children. I felt a knot in my guts as she told me.

She went and stayed for 2 nights and met her step siblings and said the dad was a nice guy etc etc, she also felt compelled to gift him 5000 baht when she was leaving( cheeky bugger took it as well).

What stuck in her craw though was the fact that her 2 step siblings are attending university, something she had wanted but the family couldnt afford.

He has a small farm as well as a reasonable sized herd of cows.

I told her not to be too generous with this guy as he had offered no support for her during her years of growing up and only seemed to appear after she hit farang paydirt. This didnt go down too well but must have made her think a bit. I asked her the other day if she had seen or heard from her father and she said he had called her up and asked her to "lend" him 40,000 baht to help her step siblings University costs. I felt that knot in the guts again.

Anyway, I am proud of the girl because she said she would, but in return wanted to 'borrow" a bull and a couple of cows from him so it might work out well.....he wouldnt part with the cattle, as they "are for my childrens future" and she wouldnt part with the dough. She didnt want the cows , it was just her little test of his sincerity and she told me that she couldnt bring herself to help out with costs as she couldnt stop thinking about her own opportunities lost...hasn't heard (herd?) from him since.

This got me to asking what other requests she has had recently. It seems the Uncle also wanted her to take on a bad debt. he is owed 30,000 baht by his in-laws (who have money and European son-in laws etc) his simple solution was for my wife to give him 30,000 baht and then she in turn could chase the loan up to recoup the 30,000 baht. I think she was more insulted by this suggestion than anything else. She turned him down and come to think of it we havent seen him for a while either.

About couple of years ago, coincidently about the time we registered our land, we received a letter from a finance company calling on 20,000 baht that my wife had guarenteed a loan for a friend 2 years previously. The loan hasnt been repaid and now it was time to honour the guarentee. I calmly explained to my wife that there is no escaping this and to ring up the company to arrange payment installments , it all went smoothly but of course the old "friend" cannot be located. I hope it is a relatively cheap lesson.

She seems to have insulated herself from the extended family a bit lately which puzzled me, I can only wonder what other requests she receives that I dont know about.Khun Andy

No doubt there have been more. I've seen this countless times. I hope for your sake the wife realizes they see you both as an ATM. Good Luck

[pwills]

My wifes father disappeared about 20 years ago, he has family in the village so I guess he had updates while my wife was growing up but she hadnt laid her eyes on him apart from once about 15 years ago when she was introduced to him by a relative...then nothing again.

I came on the scene four years ago and last year built a house in the village and have pretty much settled down here inbetween work commitments.

About a year ago I called my wife from work and she was excited because her father had contacted her and wanted her to come visit him in his village about 50 kms away. He had long ago remarried and had two more children. I felt a knot in my guts as she told me.

She went and stayed for 2 nights and met her step siblings and said the dad was a nice guy etc etc, she also felt compelled to gift him 5000 baht when she was leaving( cheeky bugger took it as well).

What stuck in her craw though was the fact that her 2 step siblings are attending university, something she had wanted but the family couldnt afford.

He has a small farm as well as a reasonable sized herd of cows.

I told her not to be too generous with this guy as he had offered no support for her during her years of growing up and only seemed to appear after she hit farang paydirt. This didnt go down too well but must have made her think a bit. I asked her the other day if she had seen or heard from her father and she said he had called her up and asked her to "lend" him 40,000 baht to help her step siblings University costs. I felt that knot in the guts again.

Anyway, I am proud of the girl because she said she would, but in return wanted to 'borrow" a bull and a couple of cows from him so it might work out well.....he wouldnt part with the cattle, as they "are for my childrens future" and she wouldnt part with the dough. She didnt want the cows , it was just her little test of his sincerity and she told me that she couldnt bring herself to help out with costs as she couldnt stop thinking about her own opportunities lost...hasn't heard (herd?) from him since.

This got me to asking what other requests she has had recently. It seems the Uncle also wanted her to take on a bad debt. he is owed 30,000 baht by his in-laws (who have money and European son-in laws etc) his simple solution was for my wife to give him 30,000 baht and then she in turn could chase the loan up to recoup the 30,000 baht. I think she was more insulted by this suggestion than anything else. She turned him down and come to think of it we havent seen him for a while either.

About couple of years ago, coincidently about the time we registered our land, we received a letter from a finance company calling on 20,000 baht that my wife had guarenteed a loan for a friend 2 years previously. The loan hasnt been repaid and now it was time to honour the guarentee. I calmly explained to my wife that there is no escaping this and to ring up the company to arrange payment installments , it all went smoothly but of course the old "friend" cannot be located. I hope it is a relatively cheap lesson.

She seems to have insulated herself from the extended family a bit lately which puzzled me, I can only wonder what other requests she receives that I dont know about.

Khun Andy

been there also mate just keep on top of it "cause they will not stop, took until I retired and she realised the money we have has to last until we die., but keep the faith mate

[khunandy]

I think I am on top of it, like most I was probably kept in the dark at first but my wife seems to be on the same wave length as me.

I have no objection to immediete family needs and I am not surprised by opportunistic requests, if my sister or daughter married a Saudi Prince I probably wouldnt be adverse to hinting I "needed" a new Harley Fatboy

It is a learning curve for them and myself.

[steveromagnino]

If it is in Isaan there is every chance that even your wife has that 'Saudi prince' mindset to some degree, so that's why these requests are not being filtered but instead are still being relayed to you - she wouldn't even mention it if she herself didn't want to pay; fact is she is quite happy giving the money if you are.

I'd start roping in the budgeting a bit, and explain tradeoffs - money to her extended family means money she won't get herself.

[khunandy]

Sorry Steve, have to disagree a bit. these requests are old hat, if she wanted to give the dosh she would have, she could have done it and said nothing. I would have known from my own clandenstine auditing.

If she has squirelled away enough for lending money thats up to her but there is no money unaccounted for in our joint access accounts.

I admire her for not bowing to the pressure and also saving me the decision because I can be a soft touch after a few beers.

She acted correctly and I appreciate it.

As far as me being the "Saudi Prince" .....maybe so

[Etrigan]

Khun Andy - I think you struck gold with her mate I really do. Wishing you loads of anniversaries.

[Ajarn]

So? Why did you write the letter? bored??

[khunandy]

Thanks Etrigan, I hope so anyway.

But, you are not going to believe this, talk about serendipity, after writing the OP a few hours ago my wife just received a phonecall call her fathers wife after no news for a while.

Seems he has hurt his leg.....no request for money, just a little phonecall to pass on they were having some bad luck....I'm going to have to keep a close eye on this one

I can't believe the timing, maybe they are monitoring my posts

Edited May 6, 2008 by khunandy

[Crossy]

Khun Andy - I think you struck gold with her mate I really do. Wishing you loads of anniversaries.

I have to agree here, looks like you have a good-un

My lady is similar, being second oldest of 9 (yep NINE) she actually gets to help filter the requests from other family members. The only ones that get through are from her mum (89 bless her) and she's happy with a few 100 Baht (yes we always give more) for her ciggies and whisky.

[khunandy]

So? Why did you write the letter? bored??

Must be, what's your excuse?

Edited May 6, 2008 by khunandy

[lardy]

Sorry Steve, have to disagree a bit. these requests are old hat, if she wanted to give the dosh she would have, she could have done it and said nothing. I would have known from my own clandenstine auditing.

If she has squirelled away enough for lending money thats up to her but there is no money unaccounted for in our joint access accounts.

I admire her for not bowing to the pressure and also saving me the decision because I can be a soft touch after a few beers.

She acted correctly and I appreciate it.

As far as me being the "Saudi Prince" .....maybe so

Before I met my wife she had lent money to friends and family members but by no means had a good salary (12000 per month earned this by getting a degree)

One of them never paid her back and when she rang this friend told her to get lost basically and then sent textxs saying 555555 laughing at her (she is now paying back after we found out she had a Farang husband and we said we'd tell him as she owes many many people), she also lent to her Sister in law who never paid her back and then when she met her Sister in law a few months later she made a snide remark about me something along the lines of how many more men will she have after me.

She now does not lend to or have any contact with most of her family as she really hates them for doing this, she says why do I always have to help them and when she needs help they wont do anything. She has wised up. Now they just say she is not nice which is rubbish typical of those who cant now scrounge off her.

We let her Brother off a 30000 baht loan as he did actually and still does help us with some small things and he is genuinely ok and he thought he had only borrowed a few thousand until my wife told him that HIS wife had actually borrowed more that he didn't know about. She doesn't lend anything now but occasionally gives the kids a few hundred baht if she sees them but thats it.

[khunandy]

She has wised up[/quote

Seems to be the key, I sympathise with you and your wifes predicament. It is a pity that family ties become strained because of these things. At least she seems to be putting you both first.

[Yoknapatawpha]

Maybe I just got lucky but it seems to be the opposite way here in Kunming China.

When my wife and I decided to marry (three years ago this September) we wanted to buy a place. She went and told her Mom and Dad. They were furious with her; "how can we ask him for money to buy you a house when our family has so many houses?!) they scolded and scolded her, then arranged a 'meeting' with me to discuss our options.

Basically, they wanted to give us a home, or buy us a new one, but would not accept a penny (jiao here actually) of my money for it. We wound up re-decorating one of their houses in the city (near my wife's office) and moving in. No rent allowed. I think my wife may have actually managed to "buy" it from her parents, but I've still not paid a cent on it.

I do think some of her Mom's family has asked her mom for money, thinking they they struck it rich by getting a Laowai (means Farang) in the family but she tells them to go away.

Anybody else on this list living in China and want to comment?

[candoman89]

Kunming is a wonderful city. I would move there in a flash.

Does the wife have any hot sisters?

Good luck for you!!!

[mellow1]

The wife doesn't give money away, but always buys food and stuff for the little ones. She always says if they want money, they have to work.

[Sakeopete]

My wifes relatives on her father's side tried asking for loans soon after we were married. My wife didn't want to give them any but didn't want to lose face. I told her to say that I don't believe in giving loans to family or friends, that worked well as she didn't lose face and they never asked again.

[Boo]

my husband never lends money & if anyone asks he tells them his wife is in charge of budget & she doesn't lend money to anyone . What he (&I do) is give the people we care about money to help them if they need it, this includes my husbands mother plus 3 of her sisters (was 2 but our lovely uncle was recently killed by a hit & run so his wife is now in our group of old ladies to take care of) my brother in law is a good man albeit a little unmotivated, he just lacks omph & get up & go but hubby will happily co sign his tractor loan as he plans to work the land hubby recently bought to make a steady income so he can stay near the family instead of working for peanuts in bangkok. All in all we pay very little to make life easier to people we truely care about & love. This way we are never diappointed. In fact the only request for money in 7 years has come from my husbands adopted sister, he told her sling it as she is a waste of space but we would, if she were to come home to take care of the older ladies, pay her a salary to help out. She declined so no dough Good on your wife K.Andy for learning to stand up for herself. I was raised to work hard for my financial rewards & refuse to give it away to people who aren't willing to do the same.

[distortedlink]

It`s easy.

You`re heard of sin-sod, but why not use the old English expression and tell them to sod-off.