Weather Comparisons

+50 degrees Fahrenheit

* New York tenants try to turn on the heat

* People from Ontario plant gardens

+40

* Californians shiver uncontrollably

* Albertans sunbathe

+35

* Italian cars don't start

+32

* Distilled water freezes

+30

* You can see your breath

* You plan a vacation in Florida

* Politicians begin to worry about the homeless

* Manitobans eat ice cream

+25

* Lake Ontario water freezes

* Californians weep pitiably

* Cat insists on sleeping on your bed

+20

* New York water freezes

* San Franciscans start thinking favourably of L.A.

* Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts

+15

* You plan a vacation in Acapulco

* Cat insists on sleeping IN your bed with you

* B.C. residents go swimming

+10

* Politicians begin to talk about the homeless

* Too cold to snow

* You need jumper cables to get the car going

0

* New York landlords turn on the heat

* Newfoundlanders grill hot dogs on the patio, yum!

-5

* You can HEAR your breath

* You plan a vacation in Hawaii

-10

* American cars don't start

* Too cold to skate

-15

* You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo

* People from Miami cease to exist

* Canadians lick flagpoles

-20

* Politicians actually do something about the homeless

* People in NWT and Yukon think about taking down screens

-25

* Too cold to kiss

* You need jumper cables to get the driver going

* Japanese cars don't start

* Ottawa Rough Riders head for spring training

-30

* You plan a two-week hot bath

* Pilsener freezes

* Bock beer production begins

* NWT residents shovel snow off roof

-38

* Mercury freezes

* Too cold to think

* Canadians do up their top button

-40

* Californians disappear

* Your CAR insists on sleeping in your bed with you

* Quebecers put on sweaters

-50

* Congressional hot air freezes

* Alaskans close the bathroom window

* Green Bay Packers practice indoors

-60

* Walruses abandon Aleutians

* Sign on Mount St. Helens: "Closed for the Season"

* Ontarians put gloves away, take out mittens

* Boy Scouts in Saskatchewan start Klondike Derby

-70

* Glaciers in Central Park

* Hudson residents replace diving boards with hockey nets

* Green Bay snowmobilers organize trans-lake race to Sault Ste. Marie

-80

* Polar bears abandon Baffin Island

* Girl Scouts in Saskatchewan start Klondike Derby

-90

* Edge of Antarctica reaches Rio de Janeiro

* Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles

* Ontarians migrate to New York thinking it MUST be warmer south of the

border

-100

* Santa Claus abandons North Pole

* Canadians pull down earflaps

-173

* Ethyl alcohol freezes

-297

* Oxygen precipitates out of atmosphere

* Microbial life survives only on dairy products

-445

* Superconductivity

-452

* Helium becomes a liquid

-454

* hel_l freezes over

-456

* Quebec drivers drop below 150 KPH on highways

-458

* Jean Cretien renounces a campaign contribution

-460 (absolute zero)

* All atomic motion ceases

* Canadians start saying how it's a tad nippy outside