Excuses For Not Coming To Work

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all my guns today.

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Kroger.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.