If anyone remembers me, just a few months ago I went to Thailand for the first time to visit and meet my BFs family. Previously, we have lived together for over a year and we have been together for what is now close to 5 years. My bf had not been home in two years.

Anyway, unfortunately something has happened making it likely not possible for him to come back until later than originally planned. An extra couple of months, making it impossible for him to be able to return this following semester to university (sept).

The problem is, that we share an apartment together and thereby both of our names are on the lease. I cannot afford to move, and would be very hard pressed to take over the rent all on my own. I didn't think it would be a problem if he would just send me his half of the rent until he came back (originally assumed november). But suddenly, he's said he may not be able to come back at all until the following semester (January) because he does not feel it is right to ask his father to pay for him to come back and do nothing but loaf around for a couple of months.

Since his father is his main financial support... I can understand how unattractive that sounds. (My own father would be very objected to me doing nothing with my time.) Which was why I suggested that perhaps he just get a job to support himself during that short time or even take a course through correspondance. His response was "..And do what? Some shitty restaurant job!".

I really don't understand this. I've had a job since I was 16 and I don't even get money from my parents for my education. Everyone has to do jobs they don't like, espeacially while only being a student! And besides that, he was considering getting a job at a Thai restaurant before we left. What's his problem?

About the apartment, I can see how he would think that if he doesn't live in a place, why does he need to pay for the rent? Because he is legally binded to the document, as am I and my parents because signed for this place for us.. and legally, if he or I don't/ can't pay, they end up on the hook for it.

All I wanted for him to understand was that if he was that we had a deal... and by doing this he is putting me and a really tight situation. I would obviously do my best to pull myself through the situation. It would enevitably effect both my schooling and my financial situation. His only response was that he would be back in January and things could go on as before... by then we were in a full uproar. I couldn't believe that he could think I would allow myself to be put in vertually financial ruin and still think things would be fine and dandy. It's all because he doesn't want to ask/tell his father about it?

After my stay, both his parents told him they thought I was a very good girl. Which was good because I tried my very best for them to like me. By the end of my stay, my bf was almost talking marriage after he graduates and gets a good job. His father is a reasonable and nice man. when my bf talked about staying in Canada and finding a job after he graduates, his father insisted upon it as a great opportunity. I actually would assume to think that if my bf even tried to support himself for a couple of months.. that how could they see that as bad? I mean, the boys 21 years old...

If this all goes sour, and he cannot come back... how can I go about the situation? I know his family is wealthy, but I don't want them to think I'm trying to mooch off of him. It's just because he and I built a life together for over a year here, we have bills and plans and legal responsibilities for him to suddenly pull out without warning for a few months is crazy!

... I mean, he needs to grow up sometime for crying out loud! He already has the plane ticket. It really wouldn't be that hard to support himself if he bucks up and be's a man.

How can I make him understand that I feel like he's abandoning me? When he sees it like I'm asking for too much!

I am not a lady, but will react anyway.

In what you wrote ( and i do realize it is a one sided story) you made it very very clear to me, a totall stranger,what you think/feel/ and about the consequences.

Have you ever told him, or written this to him in the same way?? If not, i would if i were you.

There is ofcourse a risque, and maybe that is witholding you?? It may be the end of what it is that you have together.

But your situation defenitly needs improvement, even if that would mean saying goodbye, because if this " not wanting to take responsibility" is there already, it will not improve in my humble opinion.

Good luck to you

C

Edit for typo`s sorry english is not my native tongue.

Edited July 17, 200817 yr by Carib

If I were you, my first immediate concern would be the “rent”, and this is what I would do…..

Get a roommate ASAP

- just advertise it on campus or campus’s newspaper - some students will do it even for 1 or 2 semester

-Put all his stuffs in a storage - does your apartment/ or nearby have the storage for rent?

This will take care the financial side

Emotional/relationship problems

Think later

ps:

And

Tell him to give you the advance warning before he plans to return - at the minimum of 30-60 days ahead, so you can pass it along to the roommate.

Edited July 17, 200817 yr by teacup

A ritch 21 year old dude? he aint coming back yo..I reamer reading you post ages ago. And I was shaking my head

About the apartment, I can see how he would think that if he doesn't live in a place, why does he need to pay for the rent?

Did you mean to say ‘can’t’? Because I can’t imagine that a 21 year old university student doesn’t understand the concept of taking responsibility for ones actions, unless of course we’re talking about a 21 year old rich Thai kid. In that case, it’s pretty easy to imagine.

Firstly, don’t feel guilty about putting pressure on him for his half of the rent. Every Thai university aged kid I’ve met living in Canada by themselves was either on a big scholarship or was extremely rich, usually both. I’m guessing this guy’s not on scholarship, so the only reason he’s not asking his dad for the money is because it makes him a little uncomfortable reminding his dad that he’s missing a semester of school. It’s not because his dad will miss the money. He also probably thinks that your parent have no problem paying for everything either. I would guess that he thinks the money is really no big deal either way, and he’s just doing what’s easiest for him. If he won’t ask, you should consider asking his dad.

A couple things:

-Is it possible that his parents don't know that you have been living together and would dissapprove if he told them?

-If he comes from a very wealthy family, then he of course will have no idea what it's like to have financial responsibility. At 21 he has never needed to work, and has never had to think twice about spending money, so he has no understanding at all about the sticky situation he is quite clearly putting you in. That's not going to change anytime soon. (Most) independently wealthy people are just like that!

-Can you share what happened that he was so suddenly not able to return? If it was a visa or immigration issue, fair enough, but anything else seems a bit suspect to me.

-Long distance relationships suck. Any chance you can take a semester off and join him in Thailand for a while? I realize this is easier said than done, but if the relationship is really important to you, then think about it. School can wait. So you break your lease, so what? Money and obligations aren't always the most important things in life.

If I were you, my first immediate concern would be the "rent", and this is what I would do…..

Get a roommate ASAP

- just advertise it on campus or campus's newspaper - some students will do it even for 1 or 2 semester

-Put all his stuffs in a storage - does your apartment/ or nearby have the storage for rent?

This will take care the financial side

Emotional/relationship problems

Think later

ps:

And

Tell him to give you the advance warning before he plans to return - at the minimum of 30-60 days ahead, so you can pass it along to the roommate.

Mhhmm yeah I've been looking around, and I currently have two girls subletting the place for the summer who may be interested in another semester if I catch them before they find somewhere else. Problem is, our apartment is a studio... not many people willing to be roomates when there are no walls separating the room.(The girls there now are sisters, so obviously they don't care). I may have to go back to residence or something.

He only sprung this crap on me yesterday...

A couple things:

-Is it possible that his parents don't know that you have been living together and would dissapprove if he told them?

-If he comes from a very wealthy family, then he of course will have no idea what it's like to have financial responsibility. At 21 he has never needed to work, and has never had to think twice about spending money, so he has no understanding at all about the sticky situation he is quite clearly putting you in. That's not going to change anytime soon. (Most) independently wealthy people are just like that!

-Can you share what happened that he was so suddenly not able to return? If it was a visa or immigration issue, fair enough, but anything else seems a bit suspect to me.

-Long distance relationships suck. Any chance you can take a semester off and join him in Thailand for a while? I realize this is easier said than done, but if the relationship is really important to you, then think about it. School can wait. So you break your lease, so what? Money and obligations aren't always the most important things in life.

No they deffinately know, and they seem pretty liberal for Thai parents from what I read on here... (They let us stay in the same bedroom, something which isn't even allowed at my house. I mean there were two separate beds and stuff but from what I've heard that just doesnt happen there... NOR did I expect it. I was worried what they would think of me!)

Q1: He's not like super rich though you guys, I would just say like, upper middle class (which yes I know is alot of money for thai people) but it costs his father an arm and a leg to send him here.

Q2: Yeah, you guessed it... it's a visa issue cause he was here for such a long period. Not going to go into details but it's just one of those little mistakes he made being flaky that came back to bite him in the ass! His parents were SO mad.

Q3: ... sounds fun but if I take a semester off to go to Thailand, my parents would have a bird! They are already afraid I'm going to marry him and move there. lol Although there is always correspondence and a modelling agency from there had shown interest in me... AHH don't put ideas in my head!

Edited July 18, 200817 yr by shikonjewel

If I were you, my first immediate concern would be the "rent", and this is what I would do…..

Get a roommate ASAP

- just advertise it on campus or campus's newspaper - some students will do it even for 1 or 2 semester

-Put all his stuffs in a storage - does your apartment/ or nearby have the storage for rent?

This will take care the financial side

Emotional/relationship problems

Think later

ps:

And

Tell him to give you the advance warning before he plans to return - at the minimum of 30-60 days ahead, so you can pass it along to the roommate.

Mhhmm yeah I've been looking around, and I currently have two girls subletting the place for the summer who may be interested in another semester if I catch them before they find somewhere else. Problem is, our apartment is a studio... not many people willing to be roomates when there are no walls separating the room.(The girls there now are sisters, so obviously they don't care). I may have to go back to residence or something.

He only sprung this crap on me yesterday...

Maybe a sign of things to come. You seem pretty resposible yourself, and maybe he's relied on you to much.

I've been with friends and am in a better mood than before... sorry if my first post seems like ranting.

I only had this brought to my attn yesterday.. And when we started to fight I hung up on him. In which he did call back, and I didn't answer.

I know I should just talk to him about it and make sure my side and point is well heard... but I've been trying not to be the first to give in and call the other.

It's stupid I know.. but usually if we are apart and we fight, and I let things be for him to think about it, he calls me like clockwork.

... I've been thinking though that this is too important to leave be and maybe I should just call him and straighten things out or at least have the peice of mind in knowing I've done all I could do at this time.

There is no such thing as giving in to the other, there are things like trying to be the wisest one.

Call him, and tell him what you want and need to tell him.

Peace of mind it will not bring instantly... but being wise and responsible will give you an edge

About the apartment, I can see how he would think that if he doesn't live in a place, why does he need to pay for the rent?

Did you mean to say 'can't'? Because I can't imagine that a 21 year old university student doesn't understand the concept of taking responsibility for ones actions, unless of course we're talking about a 21 year old rich Thai kid. In that case, it's pretty easy to imagine.

Firstly, don't feel guilty about putting pressure on him for his half of the rent. Every Thai university aged kid I've met living in Canada by themselves was either on a big scholarship or was extremely rich, usually both. I'm guessing this guy's not on scholarship, so the only reason he's not asking his dad for the money is because it makes him a little uncomfortable reminding his dad that he's missing a semester of school. It's not because his dad will miss the money. He also probably thinks that your parent have no problem paying for everything either. I would guess that he thinks the money is really no big deal either way, and he's just doing what's easiest for him. If he won't ask, you should consider asking his dad.

Nah.. I mean to say like this.. he has the notion if your not using something yourself, then how can you be obligated to pay for it. I'm sure he understands but might have just not wanted to ask/explain to his dad and was looking for an excuse... cause I guess his mom and dad were both really mad. His father takes education very seriously.

... I just want him to buck up and be and man and stop depending on them as much! Honestly. And he knows my situation... he offered to send for the first months rent and he'd obviously pay for his own storage. But really I think he should just come back and start getting his shit together...

Edited July 18, 200817 yr by shikonjewel

AHH don't put ideas in my head!

That's exactly what I'm trying to do!

There is no such thing as giving in to the other, there are things like trying to be the wisest one.

Call him, and tell him what you want and need to tell him.

Peace of mind it will not bring instantly... but being wise and responsible will give you an edge

Yeah, sound advice, thanks... that voice in my head has been telling me that all day.

Regarding his reluctance to get a job.

I am pretty sure that someone on a Student Visa is restricted or even forbidden to take up employment, so he would probably have to take a low paid job and be careful about coming to the attention of the authorities, usually the only jobs available are menial ones such as waiters or washing up staff in small restaurants.

Plus, if he was caught by the Immigration authorities he would be deported and banned from returning - wasting whatever studies he has already undertaken there and the money his father has already paid.

I can understand why he would not want to risk that.

Patrick

Regarding his reluctance to get a job.

I am pretty sure that someone on a Student Visa is restricted or even forbidden to take up employment, so he would probably have to take a low paid job and be careful about coming to the attention of the authorities, usually the only jobs available are menial ones such as waiters or washing up staff in small restaurants.

Plus, if he was caught by the Immigration authorities he would be deported and banned from returning - wasting whatever studies he has already undertaken there and the money his father has already paid.

I can understand why he would not want to risk that.

Patrick

And it seems, he wouldn't even be able to get a student visa if he weren't enrolled in school either. So, he's gotten himself stuck. I can see why his parents are annoyed.

That said, he does need to see things from your point of view and slamming the phone down on him in an heated argument certainly won't obtain that objective.

Hmm, OK so you have been given good advice about what to do with the flat so you should act on that immediately.

Now onto this relctance to get a job. My first boyfriend was a lazy ass between 18-23, and I have come to realise that this lack of responsibility is something quite common particularly (although definitely not soley) amongst younger, college going age guys. We were together through the end of uni and into my first three years of work. It took him until the last year together to finally get a job. The fact was his mum and family had made it too easy for him to stay living at home and enjoy the easy life. It was probably what spelled the end for us actually as our lives were so different (me in full time work, him on the playstation) that it caused a lot of friction. He could not understand why I never wanted to do anything after work etc etc. Anyway I digress...my point is that this lack of a work ethic is quite common, but I totally understand how hard it is for you to grasp - I too have been working part time since I was very young. Doubtless his family too is probably making it easy for him to mooch around doing sod all.

One other point is that Thais are still very caught up in the class system. Upper middle class means that he will only be destined for white colour work, and most jobs that he would be able to get here now would be blue colour. So there is some snobbery involved I am sure.

The last thing I would say is that if he did get a restaurant job he could probably earn about 10000 a month. About 300USD. I am presuming your rent would be about the same as this? If his dad is not willing to help out then it would be hard for him pay his share on a Thai wage. Maybe ask could he not get some office admin type work? This is where the buddy system in Thailand comes into it's own - I am sure his dad would have friends who could give him some work experience/admin type jobs that may pay more than service work.

I am pretty sure that someone on a Student Visa is restricted or even forbidden to take up employment, so he would probably have to take a low paid job and be careful about coming to the attention of the authorities, usually the only jobs available are menial ones such as waiters or washing up staff in small restaurants.

Well actually he had a visa for work last summer. So I was aware of this, I was merely suggesting he get another one as soon as he was allowed back. I also know some international students who have obtained both, not sure how exackly, but they were from another country so the regulations could be different and he's talking about getting permanent resident status so he doesn't have to go through this again. Thanks though!

Well I did call, and everything seems to be straightened up a bit. He said he talked with his dad about it and it's going to be covered, so theres no moving yet.

When I hung up the phone on him I guess he knew I meant buisiness. (I know you guys might have thought that a snobberish thing for me to do, but forgive me, it was the heat of the moment). Maybe I reacted too quickly, but I felt the security I had being ripped from me. He's going to come back as soon as he is able, even if it's nov. He's hoping he can appeal the situation. We never listen to each other when we fight, something we need to work on I guess. I can tell he feels bad about it and all. I feel bad for my part too. I'm hoping things will look up yet.

Thanks for your responses guys! This is probably going to be a long hard road for me. I hate distance. I know my problems are probably minimal, but when I talk to my friends about this sort of thing, they just don't understand me. Here, at least, I know theres someone who knows what I'm talking about without it seeming to be such a obsurd, complex, foreign situation I've gotten myself into. The advice I've gotten here about my relationship and about Thailand since I found this site have helped me alot! I know I'm young, but I do try to be quite deligent and protect myself. Even the bad things I've read and been told, I think it's always good to be aware of anything! Even if you trust a person, you have to protect yourself because you never know. I'm really grateful that, besides the few flamers, you guys are always willing to give me good advice and info. Just what I need to hear!

Edited July 18, 200817 yr by shikonjewel

... I just want him to buck up and be and man and stop depending on them as much! Honestly. And he knows my situation... he offered to send for the first months rent and he'd obviously pay for his own storage. But really I think he should just come back and start getting his shit together...

I understand your situation is difficult, but all this 'be a man' business is a bit much. You have to remember that he is from a culture that does not value independence. Thais (generally speaking) respect their parents to a much grander scale then in the west, so it's natural your bf would be wary of disrespecting them. Also a lot of Thai parents don't see the need for their children to work if they are living at home and they are obviously not poor. In my village, there are countless men in their late teens/early 20s who don't work and mooch off their parents..and their parents don't seem to give a *!

In our culture most of us get part time jobs when we're still at school or to help us through uni, as a way to gain independence from our parents and support ourselves, but that is not the case often in Thailand as it seems to be quite rare for a parent to expect their kids to work when they can support them... so don't be too quick to harass your bf over this. It's frustrating but understandable seeing where he comes from. This of course doesn't excuse him for leaving you in the lurch with the rent but it seems from your last post that he understands this now.

All relationships can be challenging but add to this the cultural differences and communication breakdowns and now long distance I wish you the best of luck! You've been together a long time though so I'm sure you'll both get through this and everything will work out. All the best.

... I just want him to buck up and be and man and stop depending on them as much! Honestly. And he knows my situation... he offered to send for the first months rent and he'd obviously pay for his own storage. But really I think he should just come back and start getting his shit together...

I understand your situation is difficult, but all this 'be a man' business is a bit much. You have to remember that he is from a culture that does not value independence. Thais (generally speaking) respect their parents to a much grander scale then in the west, so it's natural your bf would be wary of disrespecting them. Also a lot of Thai parents don't see the need for their children to work if they are living at home and they are obviously not poor. In my village, there are countless men in their late teens/early 20s who don't work and mooch off their parents..and their parents don't seem to give a *!

In our culture most of us get part time jobs when we're still at school or to help us through uni, as a way to gain independence from our parents and support ourselves, but that is not the case often in Thailand as it seems to be quite rare for a parent to expect their kids to work when they can support them... so don't be too quick to harass your bf over this. It's frustrating but understandable seeing where he comes from. This of course doesn't excuse him for leaving you in the lurch with the rent but it seems from your last post that he understands this now.

All relationships can be challenging but add to this the cultural differences and communication breakdowns and now long distance I wish you the best of luck! You've been together a long time though so I'm sure you'll both get through this and everything will work out. All the best.

Take some condolence in the fact he is a Thai male , not well known for any particular work ethic , forget the 'Thai way' , he needs to learn a sense of responsibility , doubt you will be able to teach him that principle though .

Take some condolence in the fact he is a Thai male , not well known for any particular work ethic

This kind of attitude always cracks me up. My husband has worked his whole life since finishing college, when we moved to the UK the first proper job he got saw the burser of the school calling me up to say how great he was, what a hard worker & such a difference in work ethic to the 3 (British) men who they tried out prior to him and could they increase his hours & give him more responsibility as he had proven to be so dilligent & hard working. 3 years later & he has had 2 pay rises & works full time as part of a 3 man team for the same private school. Amazing how, as he is thai hey?......and from Issan, none the less too.

These kind of blanket statements about "thai people" , "thai men" or "thai women" that get thrown around here really just prove the superiority some people think they have .

Yeah, go Boo! My man has worked for 20 years solid at every shi**y job imaginable to support his parents and younger siblings. Parking attendant, pigfarmer, farmhand, hotel room attendant, waiter, massage spa, movie extra: you name it, he's done it. There are virtually no young men left in his village, they are all in Bangkok working and sending money home. I see more unemployed young men lounging around shopping centres in Australia than I ever see in the village in Isaan.

my ex thai boyfriend is a very good worker too- not the least bit lazy. that was his one good aspect.

the thai boyfriend before him was lazy as a dog.... not an ounce of ambition. looked to everyone else to just give him and his family whatever they wanted. he was totally pathetic. but he had a pretty good heart.

Well, for some people its easier to fall back on stereotypes, I guess.

Good luck with this Shikonjewel, mssabai has made some very good points and try to remember that even tho he may seem westernized, inside he is not. Even after 19 years of marriage my husband can still confound me sometimes.

I really don't consider my bf lazy. He helps me around the apartment whenever I ask and he is always playing sports and whatnot. I just can't understand the whole living off your parents thing. I feel guilty when I ask my parents for money... and the response he gave me kind of shocked me about the whole restaurant thing.. like he was too above that.. I used to work in a grocery store.. does he think that is such a degrading thing? It illudes me.

Also, there is always such a shift in his behavior the few months after he goes back. I realize now what it is, because he has both a housekeeper and his mom who basically do everything for him. When I first arrived there.. I could tell he was embarassed by it. He would always say "Mai pai laaii!" (that's wrong sp I know... I can't speak thai by anymeans, so I hope you can understand that..) whenever she would try to do something for him and get annoyed if they insisted.

The whole thing though, it kind of makes me feel older than him.. I hate to generalise, but he and other thai students I met lack like reeaally simple skills, like knowing how to use a can opener! If everything is done for them, how do people expect their kids to survive in the real world??

Edited July 18, 200817 yr by shikonjewel

well, can openers: my husband didnt know how to use many kitchen gadgets cause they dont use them. he was surprised that i didnt know how to use a knife to open a can.... but still, whenever i forget that he is 'up country', he does something, or forgets something that reminds me that he really doesnt know...

u know how to use a can opener, but do u know how to kindle a cooking fire??? probably not.

anyway want to add that my husband also has gotten pickier about his work. fresh off the farm, he would do anything. now that he is a cook in a restaraunt, he expects to be treated differently (he used to live just like all those thai living in cramped disgusting conditions working 18 hr days in hothouses and the fields here, and now he is complaining about his roomy aprtment in tel aviv with a/c and a private bathroom). also although he is a good strong worker who likes routine work and no surprises, he can get in a huff and 'throw the keys ' and walk out whereas most of us would just try to talk with the boss or let it slide. (losing face about taking an order etc.). these things always catch me by surprise and remind me he is frm a different culture with different ways of dealing.

also, many thai men are babied by their mothers (i see it here also among the morrocan jewish families . the son is like a prince even if the parents are dirt poor.)

when in familiar territory people in general fall back in to previous ways of behvior (i always feel 16 when visiting with my folks even if my eldest is 21!)

he might not understand the legal implications of leases and things. it seems to me that , as with work, thai seem to walk out of jobs, leave leases etc w/o notice or notion as to legalities and beuracracy. thais really seem to disregard paperwork (mai son jai -dont bother to pay attention-i hear alot when explaining all the stuff needed to buy a car here and why we shouldnt bother as of yet. why get a license. in thailand i dont need one. why get insurance. in thailand we dont use it. etc etc.

this, shikon jewel, is just precursor to all the cultural and class and personal differences between u. all my relationships have been cross cultural including previous marriage. i wisened up a bit, but to be uni age and doing it, well, first time relationship AND cross cultural.. whew..!!!

be wise. take a step back. dont double sign anything else. keep bank accounts separate, or at least one of yours separate. dont read your reasons into things he does. open your eyes and your brain and forget all the things that u are used to culturally in interpreting what he is doing or not doing. try to speak with him, not fight. be a little subtle or circumventuous (u know what i mean).

and trust me, those thai kids survive in their real world but maybe not in yours. can u survive in their's.??

bina

israel

One cultural thing that seems to evade you is the fact that while his parents take care of everything now, when they are old he will be expected to take care of them. That is the way it generally works, esp (in my experience) with families where the parents have the means to take care of their kids.

Off topic -

Can we have an updated piccie of Boo baby boy?

One cultural thing that seems to evade you is the fact that while his parents take care of everything now, when they are old he will be expected to take care of them. That is the way it generally works, esp (in my experience) with families where the parents have the means to take care of their kids.

Hmm true enough! I've read that before though.. but don't we all want to take care of the rents when their old? Out of curiosities sake and it's possibly likely that I'm wrong in this assumption, but he's their second son. I had assumed that later on he would be less expected to care for them as his older brother. What if he's also living out of country?