Advice Needed On Thai 'mothers Day'

[teacup]

Never and nothing from me………..no money, gold, palatial estate, Lexus, or buffalo.....

Once a month is a mother day for me, with just a phone call away……sawadee ka, how are you doing ….etc.

She’s happy when I’m happy and well. Isn’t this the best gift the mom can ever have?

What about when she's 90, can barely see, wears adult diapers, and needs to go to the hospital because her arthritis is acting up? I bet Sukanda or Shaniqua or whoever is being paid $9.50 an hour to take care of those things, but I'm not sure if that's the best gift a mom could ever have.

She’s waaay richer than me and surrounded by maaany family members. However emotional support is what she really needs and by far more important to her than monetary support, and I can do it quite well even from 14000 miles away thru Vonage.

[Heng]

Never and nothing from me………..no money, gold, palatial estate, Lexus, or buffalo.....

Once a month is a mother day for me, with just a phone call away……sawadee ka, how are you doing ….etc.

She’s happy when I’m happy and well. Isn’t this the best gift the mom can ever have?

What about when she's 90, can barely see, wears adult diapers, and needs to go to the hospital because her arthritis is acting up? I bet Sukanda or Shaniqua or whoever is being paid $9.50 an hour to take care of those things, but I'm not sure if that's the best gift a mom could ever have.

She’s waaay richer than me and surrounded by maaany family members. However emotional support is what she really needs and by far more important to her than monetary support, and I can do it quite well even from 14000 miles away thru Vonage.

Oh, I'm not talking about money, Teacup, I'm talking about emotional support as well, which I'd have to disagree is not the "best gift a mom can ever have" from 14,000 miles away.

[teacup]

Best of not, my mom is not that picky.

You take care yours and I take care mine.

[Heng]

Sounds like you're getting a bit touchy, Teacup. I hardly meant it as a personal attack. Just a discussion.

Would you say your mom prefers that you live 14,000 miles away? What if she gets sick? Like a lot of expats around here, you know there's that possibilty that you won't even be notified if a close relative (and God forbid one's own parents) passes away until after the fact? She was nice enough to carry you around for 9 months, and to watch you open your eyes, surely you don't think you could afford her the same courtesy to be around when she closes her eyes forever?

Again, just a discussion. Call it one on psychology, as I am interested in people's beliefs and rationalizations.

[teacup]

Do you think that I prefer to live 14,000 miles away?

[egg6447]

Sounds like you're getting a bit touchy, Teacup. I hardly meant it as a personal attack. Just a discussion.

Would you say your mom prefers that you live 14,000 miles away? What if she gets sick? Like a lot of expats around here, you know there's that possibilty that you won't even be notified if a close relative (and God forbid one's own parents) passes away until after the fact? She was nice enough to carry you around for 9 months, and to watch you open your eyes, surely you don't think you could afford her the same courtesy to be around when she closes her eyes forever?

Again, just a discussion. Call it one on psychology, as I am interested in people's beliefs and rationalizations.

leave it out heng. your behaving like a plonker.

[Heng]

Sounds like you're getting a bit touchy, Teacup. I hardly meant it as a personal attack. Just a discussion.

Would you say your mom prefers that you live 14,000 miles away? What if she gets sick? Like a lot of expats around here, you know there's that possibilty that you won't even be notified if a close relative (and God forbid one's own parents) passes away until after the fact? She was nice enough to carry you around for 9 months, and to watch you open your eyes, surely you don't think you could afford her the same courtesy to be around when she closes her eyes forever?

Again, just a discussion. Call it one on psychology, as I am interested in people's beliefs and rationalizations.

leave it out heng. your behaving like a plonker.

Again, a touchy subject I see. If it touches a nerve, feel free to block my posts.

Haven't seen mum lately?

[Heng]

Do you think that I prefer to live 14,000 miles away?

I didn't make any assumptions.

I know for my own parents, they had both made similar decisions to live away from Thailand for 30+ years (in the US) and away from their respective sets of parents. The trade off, as far as I have observed, was that they had built a modestly successful life, with business and property in Texas, that they couldn't quite find the cutoff point (they finally did fortunately) for some time on when to "return home," but with "returning home" a definite goal with the longer they stayed in the US the better the chances of continued success upon their return home. However, I think I also know them both well enough though that if my grandparents on either side passed away during that time frame, I think I can assume that they'd probably feel pretty bad about not being there and probably would not have forgiven themselves.

I rather like this subject because you have people out there making all kinds of decisions, without a clear right or wrong, legitimate or selfish label that could be applied in most cases. Everyone has different priorities in life, and one of the few constants out there is the love between parent and child (excluding of course, with my apologies, those who never knew their parents, orphans, abused children, those who had legitimate 'falling out' with their families, etc.), so I always find it interesting what the different reasons are for diminishing the importance of said constants. I like to observe if people really seem to mean what they say, or if they are just trying to convince themselves and others that that's how they feel.

Again, just a discussion.

[teacup]

Not trying to be puckish......

Sorry but your earlier psychology was lost on me tonight, ever since the poetic metaphor of those pots of jasmine.

Well I still miss home but not as much as I used to. I can't be there with them all my life and they know that I have my own life to run too. My main priority now is my own family, husband, and job. When possible I try to visit as often. Otherwise, for me I still be able to keep in touch and share contact with them without moving back home. There are plenty of ways with technology now you know?…..like a webcam, email, or the telephone etc …HELLO!!

So no....I don't feel guilty not being with them.

[Heng]

thanks for your honest answer, Teacup. I have plenty of family members on similar paths in life. I just hope they really mean what they say though... going through a funeral is rough enough without having to deal with a sibling going through their own personal emotional trauma.

[teacup]

My pleasure

[rixalex]

Not trying to be puckish......

Sorry but your earlier psychology was lost on me tonight, ever since the poetic metaphor of those pots of jasmine.

Well I still miss home but not as much as I used to. I can't be there with them all my life and they know that I have my own life to run too. My main priority now is my own family, husband, and job. When possible I try to visit as often. Otherwise, for me I still be able to keep in touch and share contact with them without moving back home. There are plenty of ways with technology now you know?…..like a webcam, email, or the telephone etc …HELLO!!

So no....I don't feel guilty not being with them.

I'm told that one can't fully comprehend the pain parents go through when children move to distant lands until we have our own.

[Heng]

Not trying to be puckish......

Sorry but your earlier psychology was lost on me tonight, ever since the poetic metaphor of those pots of jasmine.

Well I still miss home but not as much as I used to. I can't be there with them all my life and they know that I have my own life to run too. My main priority now is my own family, husband, and job. When possible I try to visit as often. Otherwise, for me I still be able to keep in touch and share contact with them without moving back home. There are plenty of ways with technology now you know?…..like a webcam, email, or the telephone etc …HELLO!!

So no....I don't feel guilty not being with them.

I'm told that one can't fully comprehend the pain parents go through when children move to distant lands until we have our own.

What's funny is that sometimes when parents push their children away, the closer they get, and vica versa, like the Godfather.

I'm already thinking about that, and Heng Jr. is only 15 months old. I'm fine with him travelling extensively, but I know that I don't really want him to move far away, not even for school. I'd rather teach him the ins and outs of business closer to home. (which means he'll probably want to move to Holland to sculpt vases)

[Tod Daniels]

While the amusing interplay between the often monotonous and all too verbose postings of "Heng" and the ever succinct, to the point postings of "teacup" is somewhat interesting, I feel in all fairness we should get back on topic.

So without further ado back to the O/P's question;

Although you say both your earnings go into a joint account, IF the money is indeed your wife's; well, it's her family, and her money. If there's no financial hardship to your quality of life, or more importantly your bank account, I wouldn't worry.

From my observations; ANYTIME is a good time to send money to the ever smiling yet diminutive inhabitants populating the glorious "Land 'O Thais". The excuse of this or that holiday seems lost on them. One only needs to sit at the bank transfer area of any major bank and watch how the waiting people react like they've won the lottery as their name is called when transferred funds hit their account. .

[stumonster]

I don't think 20K is over the top at all - I am sure your wife is giving what she wants to and can afford to - good for her

or my next child (on the way in 9 months) do it.

sounds like you are on a promise tonight mate

[Heng]

or my next child (on the way in 9 months) do it.

sounds like you are on a promise tonight mate

Well, more like 8 1/2 months then. Will have to wait another week to test, but I swam competitively back in school.

[astral]

An extra baht on the gold chain is my experience.

As it is her money anyway, why are you worrying??

[Heng]

Maybe he's worried about setting a precedent? "What? We always give our mum's money on Ash Wednesday, May Day, President's Day, MLK Jr. Day...."

[stumonster]

well my grandmother would always send me 2 dollars on my birthday - was big bucks when my pocket money was 50 cents a week , though only if I did my jobs around the house during the week

[teacup]

Not trying to be puckish......

Sorry but your earlier psychology was lost on me tonight, ever since the poetic metaphor of those pots of jasmine.

Well I still miss home but not as much as I used to. I can't be there with them all my life and they know that I have my own life to run too. My main priority now is my own family, husband, and job. When possible I try to visit as often. Otherwise, for me I still be able to keep in touch and share contact with them without moving back home. There are plenty of ways with technology now you know?…..like a webcam, email, or the telephone etc …HELLO!!

So no....I don't feel guilty not being with them.

I'm told that one can't fully comprehend the pain parents go through when children move to distant lands until we have our own.

Despite how painful the process is, but I think the most frightening thing for my parents was the prospect of me or my brothers “never really leaving home“. If you know what I mean

[Heng]

That would be a fairly IMO unique point of view/line of thinking for Thai parents, although like all generalizations, surely there are exceptions. The norm as far as I have seen is "success, whether near or far," and less so "leave the nest," which seems to be more of a popular culture (and in literature, television, and film) catch phrase in the west.

[teacup]

Ohh... in Thailand that feeling is becoming quite common nowadays toward your boomerang kids, if only you just step out from your pink bubble sometimes, Heng

[Heng]

Well, first of all, the "boomerang" generation is sociology 101 term that typically refers to US/European culture, hence my generalization that it would be a unique view among Thai parents. And by the way, my bubble is a deep emerald green.

[teacup]

You can be from the GENERATION X or whatever….doesn’t matter

Try laying around and do nothing at home when you’re 30 o r 40 or whatever of prime working age, and see how unique your thai parents nowadays can be. Still LOVEY DOVEY and so thaily?

It’s called globalization, Heng. Including many ideas from the west , no matter how unique they might be to our thainess family. Time has changed, people have changed, including the fabric that made up the thai family. Thailand is changing including the society, sociology, and psychology of its people, you can’t stop the changes, don’t know the rate of the change but definitely it’s changing.

Heng, WAKE UP !!…..this is not the rattanakosin era anymore

Emeralgreen bubble? - algae?

In Thailand, purple maybe.

Edited August 4, 2008 by teacup

[ukrules]

If I were you I'd say nothing and when Christmas comes tell her you're thinking of buying your mum a Christmas present worth about 300+ quid from the joint bank account and see what she says

[Heng]

You can be from the GENERATION X or whatever….doesn’t matter

Try laying around and do nothing at home when you’re 30 o r 40 or whatever of prime working age, and see how unique your thai parents nowadays can be. Still LOVEY DOVEY and so thaily?

It’s called globalization, Heng. Including many ideas from the west , no matter how unique they might be to our thainess family. Time has changed, people have changed, including the fabric that made up the thai family. Thailand is changing including the society, sociology, and psychology of its people, you can’t stop the changes, don’t know the rate of the change but definitely it’s changing.

Heng, WAKE UP !!…..this is not the rattanakosin era anymore

Emeralgreen bubble? - algae?

In Thailand, purple maybe.

Staying close to home doesn't necessarily = laying around and doing nothing @ 30 or 40. I don't think the average Thai parent ever advocated that.

Some things have changed, and a lot of things have remained the same. Change is great, so is tradition.

I just find it interesting how our egos (and I'm talking all people) often quickly come to the defense of the life choices that we make.

I'm most certainly awake. Are you?

p.s. green as in green emerald marble that feels nice and cool on your feet

Edited August 4, 2008 by Heng

[teacup]

Are you sure you’re awake, Heng? I was talking about those that still stay at home “aka the parent home” …….not the home of your own or stay close to the home of their parents.

Emerald green marble? ….. I guess that one thing I won’t be stealing away from you competitively!

Anyhow it has been a great time dialoging with you , however our opinions may be different, and I’m pretty sure we shall cross our swords again soon.

HAT OF TO YOU and LA GONE

TC

Now we can go back to the OP’s problem.

[Heng]

I didn't have my sword or hat out. I don't even own a sword or hat, come to think of it.

[HYENA]

I'm sending B14770 ($500) to my wife/fiancee to send to her mother as she sees fit (or keep some and share some). In my experience, they're not one's to waste money (at least my new extended family over there).

Most important of all, I stayed at their house in Isaan (Roi Et- the poorest of Thailand) and they literally live in a BARN! Can I sacrifice a portion of a month's earnings to help some obviously poor people who have worked harder than I can imagine as means of survival (not wealth accumulation) for long hours, sick or not.... Yes, I can spare a few hundred quid!

Not asking questions (and thanks to this thread), I discovered Mother's Day's coming and moved money over today (haven't told her yet). My not asking questions will also show respect while solidifying my commitment (which is always reciprocated). This is a different culture; completely foreign to the bird leaving the nest syndrome of westerners. Without support from children, these oldsters wouldn't survive. I do NOT want to gain the label of stingy (sticky sh** is the direct translation) when it comes to nam chai or kind/generous heartedness. My guess is she'll buy Urea for the rice in order to feed the family, maybe buy medicine (I insist she take as prescribed but she says it's too expensive).

I want to be a good husband and a good human being and I don't care about setting a precedent (every year is different and most people understand, since all have good and bad years). It's NOT about the money...it's that I care and appreciate her mother enough to have raised someone I am honored to marry. They're poor, I'm loaded (by their standards) but not wealthy by USA standards. In a month, my finances will not have noticed it missing but they will never forget that I try my best. Same goes for my kids here and my ex wife here...hard times come and I shell out. There's more to life than the principal of things, setting precedents and greed. For me, it's about helping a family whose NET profit for working their asses off in the rice fields is a mere $1400 a year! Yes, my small token will make a difference and bring some smiles.

For me, words and flowers are cheap and money is what changes lives (in their culture). When I'm married it will be our life, our business, our money. She wants to be sure my kids are taken care of, maintaining their standard while raising her family's standards *only as we can afford (she's smarter about money than my western mind). I spend far less than before I met her and have saved more than $500 by habit changes alone.

If we (in my country) too were amidst poverty, we would also adapt the same values and understand the gesture and love behind the money. Everyone sacrifices for loved one's so it's my turn this month for a measly $500 for being a mother who still works her wrinkled, old little soul off for doorstep kids that weren't even her responsibility. She, also has shown the world nam chai (it's the least I can do for this round)!

Edited August 4, 2008 by HYENA

[Chaimai]

Thank goodness my extended family is not in Roi-et.

I feel sorry for any Falang, with family in your village, who is doing his best and perhaps giving the odd £30 or so - now and again. Probably making a real difference by doing what he can on a regular basis.

How will he feel when his girlfriend tells him he is a cheap Charlie because some big shot Falang, going out with Nok in the village, is throwing more than 30% of the families annual income at them for Mother's Day.

God knows what you will give them if the buffalo dies !