Do You Help The Family?

[Doctor John]

If you marry a Thai girl you become part of the family, do you help out the family in time of need, or do you refuse to help.

If you do help, do you do it to stop your wife moaning, or do you do it because you want to ?

Personally I like my Gf's family, they are good people.

I gave her Sister 5000 Baht for her 16th Birthday and she opened her first Bank Account, is this excessive ?

(If the Sister had been a Brother he would have got nothing! )

[nogutsnoapplepie]

If you marry a Thai girl you become part of the family, do you help out the family in time of need, or do you refuse to help.

If you do help, do you do it to stop your wife moaning, or do you do it because you want to ?

Personally I like my Gf's family, they are good people.

I gave her Sister 5000 Baht for her 16th Birthday and she opened her first Bank Account, is this excessive ?

(If the Sister had been a Brother he would have got nothing! )   

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

What did you get in return for the 5 grand?

[snoophound]

Its all relative really

I mean whats 5k baht in sterling,about what you would give your favorite niece for an impt birthday.

When you marry into thai its unusual not to help family,sometimes its abused,sometimes not.

But relatively speaking many of have helped friends and family in our own countries,and prob people who were less needy??

If you marry a Thai girl you become part of the family, do you help out the family in time of need, or do you refuse to help.

If you do help, do you do it to stop your wife moaning, or do you do it because you want to ?

Personally I like my Gf's family, they are good people.

I gave her Sister 5000 Baht for her 16th Birthday and she opened her first Bank Account, is this excessive ?

(If the Sister had been a Brother he would have got nothing! )   

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[jackr]

I've helped the wifes family in the past and never got a thankyou, even from way before we were married. Come to think of it, never even got a wai or a sawatdee ka when I first met her, even though I showed her heaps of respect. So when they ask now, I flatly refuse or let my wife whine for a few days at least.

[tutsiwarrior]

I presently transfer 18K baht into my mother-in-laws thai bank account monthly. This supports her and whomever of the nieces/nephews she has living with her at the moment (the parents frequently have to travel to find work) and also provides a 'fund' for emergencies when they arise (school clothes, a few baht to tide over one or another of the families between rice harvests, etc). My wife is in touch with her mother on a weekly basis and 'authorises' these loans.

When I asked my wife to leave thailand and stay with me wherever I was working I offered this arrangement as she was the major breadwinner of the family. Things have thus far worked a treat even when I was unemployed and funds were severely limited. No one ever asks for anything extra as my wife had made clear that this is not allowed.

Isn't tutsi wonderful?...

[Doctor John]

Yes Tutsi, you are good to the Family.

Many guys give false promises at the outset, then moan like crazy when the Family are in need.

Thing is, many of these families would share whatever they had with you, they may not have much, but what they have is yours also.

[davethailand]

I'd just replied to this with a long post then my poxy computer decided to lock up, anyway i'm not typing it again.

Yes i pay every month

No its not alot

No they never ask for more (3 years already)

Yes they are nice people

Did'nt pay a dowry either

If they asked for help, I would help (Mum & Dad only)

[lukamar]

We used to help a lot but the situation got totally out of hand and we had to put our foot down as the family was asking for money every few weeks. Thailand had more traumas than a soap opera.

That's not to say we do not help in other ways. Ma and Pa have a car that we bought them and they stay in my wife's house that we pay the mortgage on every month for free. They probably will live there for ever as we plan on buying another house in Chiiang Mai when we move back for good in a few years.

We send money as presents, University graduation, Birthdays, special occasions but the money is proportional to the holiday.

[RamdomChances]

We all live together, but not in the same house!!

I give my mother-in-law money every month, pay the water and electricity, but she gives me free whisky and cigeretts(she's got a shop) , we probably all eat together about half the time as well and she usually buy's the food. So all in all it works out about even. Oh i did build her a new shop as well

We help my wifes brother out sometimes as well ( he lives here also) he's got a lorry and sometimes they are a bit slow paying, we always get it back though.

[otherstuff1957]

My basic rule is to help with anything related to education or health, but not to help with business or other ventures! Fortunately, most of my wife's family are middle-class and don't need any help.

[Sulaphat]

We help them and they help us.

Neither party ever asks for anything unreasonable. In fact, most help is volunteered, not requested.

I am happy that we can help and it is comforting to know that my wife's family is there to help us, too.

[why]

I dont pay 1 baht, nor did I pay for the wedding, nor did I pay a dowry.

I actually did try to pay for the wedding and a dowry, but was told "we dont sell our children"

It sounds like Scampys perfect marriage

foot note - I always give things to the family, just like I would with any wifes family.

[chonabot]

I bought my Father in-law a pick-up last year.

He gave me a house.

Sounds fair to me!

[meemiathai]

I am not sure if I am helping or not, but my wife sends money regularly to her mother. And my money is her money and hers is mine. We share everything. And yes she works here in HK. Each time I will tell her to make sure she sends enough. When mother in law sees good land, we will send money to buy. And sometimes machines as well for ploughing. No, they don't need no cars nor motor sies.

I am very lucky for her parents are really good people and I love them a lot. Her 2 sisters in law are also nice. All of them are more concerned about me and my wife's relationship. They feel very "geng jai" when I pay for everything.(which I'm very happy to, understanding the situation) The only little problem is the brother in law who is a bit of a spoilt brat and very immature. But things are getting better after he got married and having a baby now.

So, I think everything looks good now. I don't think I could feel happy if I know some of my family members are living miserable lives.

[jackr]

Well, all I can say is I'm extremely unlucky, because you all seem to have caring in-laws. I've paid dowry in the form of a couple of plots of land and several other payments when requested, but never so much as a grunt from her mother. I mean, it'll be months before her mother will telephone and it'll always be a demand for money, no how are you to her daughter or is my grandson ok.

To put you in the picture:

When I first met her mother I did all the sawatdees and wais (very high), nothing back. Had given her mother money a few weeks before and just after my sawatdees were questions of money. Few years on...have the baby...no visits from mother in hospital....eventually turns up at the appartment (2 months later) - nothing for her grandson (not even kisses) but plenty of money talk with her daughter (my wife) and lots of argueing ensued, to which I told her to get the **** out and stop raising her voice in front of the boy. Took the woman about 6 months before she put her hand in her shallow pocket and actually bought her grandson anything.

I was actually praying at the time Toxin was paying out millions to families of the ones who'd died from the bird flu, that her mother and several of her siblings (namely 3 of her worthless, lazy brothers) would contract and succumb to the disease.

They may be of peasant upbringings (my wife and one of the brothers are the only ones with any real education behind them) and her mother has money coming in and land, but how much education does it take for one tiny thankyou...thai or English.

Anyway, as I said before, any phone calls for anything will fall on deaf ears for me from now on, and the wife even had a big resounding no for her mother when she telephoned last month.

[dugdig]

My family is mostly people who work regularly and can moderate their alcohol consumption enough that it doesn't threaten their security or safety. They don't make alot and they don't have alot but they like their life style. They don't need anyones help. When the kids go to college I give them 1000baht per month but this is just extra money they can play with...they already have the basics covered from their family membersand gov't loans. If Mom is sick sometimes I pay for it and sometimes other family members do. I gave Mom 500 baht the first Songkhran I lived here and every year the amount goes up 500baht...this year it will be 2000baht.

I don't think of this as "helping", I just look at it as being part of the family. If there should be some emergency then I'm happy that I'll be able to chip in a little extra.

[Simbo]

I read the posts on this topic with interest. It seems to me, many people seem to take great pride in the amount of help they give their partners family. It must be great to have all this spare money.

Do they realise, many farangs stay in Thailand on a limited budget, just to be together with their loved one, but are seen by the family as a farang with loads of money. After all, Joe bloggs down the road has bought his wifes family a house, and Sid Snot, over the way has bought her family a car to. Our daughters Symi is a Keenio farang.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, off and on. I give her a very modest amount every month, it's up to her what she chooses to do with it. Of course, I pay for her daily needs, as I see fit. This way, I am satisfied she stays with me, for me, not what I can do for her family.

how many Thai wives/partners would stay together, if their farang could not take care of her family?

This is a grasping culture, who see farangs as money alone.

There are exceptions, but few and far between.

[RamdomChances]

  I read the posts on this topic with interest. It seems to me, many people seem to take great pride in the amount of help they give their partners family. It must be great to have all this spare money.

                                                      Do they realise, many farangs stay in Thailand on a limited budget, just to be together with their loved one, but are seen by the family as a farang with loads of money. After all, Joe bloggs down the road has bought his wifes family a house, and Sid Snot, over the way has bought her family a car to. Our daughters Symi is a Keenio farang.

                                                      I have been with my partner for 3 years, off and on. I give her a very modest amount every month, it's up to her what she chooses to do with it. Of course, I pay for her daily needs, as I see fit. This way, I am satisfied she stays with me, for me, not what I can do for her family.

                                                       

how many Thai wives/partners would stay together, if their farang could not take care of her family?

                          This is a grasping culture, who see farangs as money alone.

There are exceptions, but few and far between.   

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I've just re-read this and cant really see anyone boasting about giving exessive amounts of money. Probably a lot of families would see even falangs with limited bugets as rich, because most falangs idea of a "limited" buget is probably most thais idea of rich. If you get out of BKK most docters, lawyers ect would be lucky to earn more than 20,000 a month and be considered well off.

Then again I've met falangs who moan about giving a few 1000 bht to the family and then blow more than that on a night out.

[chonabot]

  I read the posts on this topic with interest. It seems to me, many people seem to take great pride in the amount of help they give their partners family. It must be great to have all this spare money.

                                                      Do they realise, many farangs stay in Thailand on a limited budget, just to be together with their loved one, but are seen by the family as a farang with loads of money. After all, Joe bloggs down the road has bought his wifes family a house, and Sid Snot, over the way has bought her family a car to. Our daughters Symi is a Keenio farang.

                                                      I have been with my partner for 3 years, off and on. I give her a very modest amount every month, it's up to her what she chooses to do with it. Of course, I pay for her daily needs, as I see fit. This way, I am satisfied she stays with me, for me, not what I can do for her family.

                                                       

how many Thai wives/partners would stay together, if their farang could not take care of her family?

                          This is a grasping culture, who see farangs as money alone.

There are exceptions, but few and far between.   

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I'm just lucky that I'm totally minted , but if I was poor I'm sure the Mrs would stand me the cost of a pint etc......

[billd766]

I give my wifes family 6,000 baht a month and I have done since I came back 3 years ago. Before that my wife used to send money from the money I gave her.

Her Dad retired last year and though they have their own place in Samut Phrakan we live up country and they come up to us with some of my wifes family during the school holidays.

There are no Social Security arrangements in Thailand and when you get old if you are poor and cannot work, either your family looks after you or basically you beg or die.

I did not pay a dowry and we were married in the UK.

If we need help from the family my wife asks and if they can help they will do it and we do the same in return for them.

If they ever want to come and live with us that is no problem as we have a small place that they can live in.

Initially my wife [/i]asked me if I would help them and as I was ciontracting and making a fair pile I agreed. Now I have quit working I still pay as I have a couple of pensions coming in.

I have no problem with this at all.

RC wrote that some falangs spend a lot on a night out and complain when they are asked for some help.

There was a time when I used to think nothing of spending 3 or 4 thousand on a night out. Now I don't have it and I really don't miss it anyway. Family is more important than pissing it up a wall.

Been there, done that, wish I had saved 50% of it.

[dugdig]

Simbo,

I'm not sure if the Thai culture is a "grasping culture" or not. I know that anyone wandering by at meal time is invited to join in and Thais like to give each other presents....but I do think I understand where the idea that all farangs are rich comes from. You say that you have been with your partner "off and on". I'm assuming this means that you go back to your home country and make money regularly...I may be wrong about this. If you travel from Europe once per year to Thailand and stay for a month then you probably spend at least 40,000 baht to do it and many people spend twice that and more. In my village the usual wage is 150 baht per day for skilled work and 100 baht per day for unskilled. If you work EVERYDAY FOR A YEAR you make less than 40,000 baht in one year. Any Thai person earning this wage (this means most Thai people) know that you have spent an entire years wages just to take a holiday in Thailand and you probably do this every year!!!! To them this is proof that you are rich!!! In Thai culture if you are rich then you tend to give lots of presents and sort of spread the wealth around...at least this is what I've seen. If someone wins a lottery prize of a large amount they immediately pay for a big party so everyone can enjoy their good luck....they are just extending this concept to you...perhaps.

Also I think I understand your feeling that farang's excesses in giving money puts pressure on you to do the same. In building our house my brother-in-law (who was one of the workers) asked me if there would be a bonus when we finished. I evaded his question and asked my wife about this later and she said that it wasn't really expected that I would give a bonus but that they had heard of some farangs doing this when their house is finished. Two years later my brother-in-law built a good sized work building and hired people to help them. When it was finished I asked him if he had paid a bonus to his workers...he blushed a bit and said "no".

Dugdig

[pnustedt]

[Then again I've met falangs who moan about giving a few 1000 bht to the family and then blow more than that on a night out.

I think one prob is that many falangs couldn't afford to retire in their home country if they wanted to, and move to LOS as a cheap option. They then resent spending on their extended family.

Every material thing (and some non-material things like health) my family and neighbours in LOS have is provided by my wife - the family are rice farmers who would otherwise barely make enough to feed themselves. I am proud that we can make such a difference to their lives.

[Tarragona]

Been there, done that, wish I had saved 50% of it.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Know the feeling.

[phazey]

I've never fealt obliged to give money to the in-laws, but on occasion i have made a gesture - they're a great help with my son, and they always put me up with i am in BKK. They mostly use the cash to travel, and as they get free flights worldwide, i'm always assured the're going somewhere nice and appreciate my offering.

They've also presented me with some lovely gifts over the years too, so i guess it's a mutual thing.

./P

[Simbo]

Yes, Dugdig, you are mistaken. I came to live in Los 3 years ago on a retirement visa. I have a company pension, which allows me to live a comfortable life here, whereas in the Uk, I would be hardpressed to live the lifestyle I was used to when I worked.

The requirements of a farang are totally different to a Thai. The things we are used to cost money. Things Thais do not require. The standards I expect are not those of a poor rice farmer.

The point I am trying to make, is it cost one ###### of a lot more money for a farang to live here than a Thai. So when a Thai looks at your income and compares it with his, he is not thinking of your needs, only that you have too much money. He doesn't care that you may need regular expensive medication, or that you may want to go home sometimes. Even the food we eat costs so much more, and don't tell me to eat the same as someone from issan. I'm here to live a comfortable life till my demise. Everything that is left will go to my partner, if she stays with me till then. I take good care of all her needs and give her some money to send home if she wishes.

As I said, we have been together for 3 years, apart from a period we fell out over her trying to make me something I am not. A trait most Thai women have. We got back together, when she realised which side her bread was buttered on.

[Jockstar]

I'm not married yet. But i really dont ever see my gfs family asking for a baht. Her mum and dad are retired. They own their own home. her dad gets a really good pension> He worked for a big electricity company. They have their own car, pick up and motorbike. They want the best for their daughter. They dont want a dowry as they want us to keep the money for our future together. But in the future if we are not living in LOS and they really need the help and i'm in a position to. Then i would. But i dont think this will happen.

[Spee]

If you marry a Thai girl you become part of the family, do you help out the family in time of need, or do you refuse to help.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I help out my fiancee's family because I choose to do so, and not because of any external pressures from her or from other family members.

The real situation is that with their father dead, my fiancee' as the only daughter is obligated to take care of "khun-mae" and her younger brother who is still in school, as well as her own child. So I view it as helping her by helping them.

It is a decent amount of money to the family, but is not enough to "make me or break me" so to speak. I also view it as money "well spent" in that it helps pay for cell phone bills so that their family can communicate and stay in touch better, for basic living expenses, and for school expenses for her daughter and younger brother.

Both my fiancee' and her another brother also contribute to taking care of their mother, but it is my fiancee' and I who support her daughter and her brother still in school.

When I go to visit, I make sure to leave "khun mae" a bit of extra cash (perhaps 5K TB). I also leave a bit of cash (again about 5K TB) with the family friend who is taking care of my fiancee's daughter while at school.

I haven't had so far, nor do I expect to have any wacky requests to "help out the sick buffalo" or anything like that, where someone may be trying to take advantage of me. Everyone in the family, as well as their immediate friends, have treated me very well and in a very respectful manner.

I wouldn't consider my case worth generalization. It is just that, my own situation. Obvioulsy, others have had and may have different situations and experiences.

[ProfessorFart]

In my experience the family issue seems to be the sole biggest cause of break ups in Thai - Western relationships.

Sort out the ground rules about the family as soon as it seems the relationship is going places and stick to them rigidly would be my advice to anyone.

[lukamar]

Sort out the ground rules about the family as soon as it seems the relationship is going places and stick to them rigidly would be my advice to anyone.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I agree 100%.

[Spee]

how many Thai wives/partners would stay together, if their farang could not take care of her family?

This is a grasping culture, who see farangs as money alone.

There are exceptions, but few and far between.   

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Forgive me but you make this statement as if it something unique to Thai culture and Thai culture alone. There are plenty of gold-diggers in the western world, who want nothing more to marry a man with a lot of money and have to do very little in return for it.

In my case, what is wrong with helping to provide for an improvement in the lives of several people, especially if they are people close to me.

I suppose there is room to make some minor generalizations here, but I don't know that it represents the broad spectrum, in Thailand or anywhere else.

Am I right?