A guy comes into a bar and asks the barman for twelve-year-old scotch. The barman thinks "This guy is pretty pretentious" and proceeds to pour him a drink of six-year-old scotch. He gives it to the customer who takes a drink, exclaiming, "This isn't twelve-year-old scotch, this is six-year-old scotch"

The barman thinks, hey this guy knows what he's talking about, and the two of them get into a conversation about where the customer is from etc..

At one point an old guy, who was sitting at the other end of the bar comes over with a glass and hands it to the customer. The latter takes a drink, and spits it out.

"This is p1ss!" he yells.

The old guy nods and says, "Yeah, but how old am I?"

A horse walks into a Bar and the Barman says: 'Hey - why the long face?'

A bear walks into a bar and orders a beer and..............................................

A packet of crisps, the barman says " hey why the big paws"

A man walks into a bar and orders a packet of helicopter flavour crisps

The barman says sorry we've only got plain

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.

He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The

bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears

in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a

beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't

serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a

beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent,

bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the

woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The

bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully

bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

Packet of crisps (chips for the yanks) walks into a bar, and orders a beer. The barman says sorry we dont serve snacks here

A bloke walks into a bar with a frog sitting on his head...Bartender asks him what his got there...The frog says "I don't know, it started out as a wart on my arse"

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop!

A termite walks into a bar and asks "Where's the bar tender?"

Man walks into a bar, with jelly on his head and a banana in his ear, the barman asks "what do you want"

Man "pardon"

barman "WHAT DO YOU WANT"

Man "can you speak up i'm a trifle deaf"

A bloke walks into a bar and a starts talking to the most beautiful, shagable women he has ever met. Things start getting very, very friendly and he thinks he's in with a grin. The lady leans over to him and whispers in his ear "tell me in three words what you want me to do for you and I'll do it"

So he says "Paint my House"

An Englishman,Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar.

"Whats this"says the barman"some kind of joke"

Three strings walk into a bar and order a beer.

The barman says 'We don't serve your kind in here".

The three strings get up and head for the door.

Just outside, one of the strings ruffles his top end and ties himself up.

He walks back into the bar and orders a beer.

The barman says "Hey, aren’t' you one of those strings I just threw out of here"?

The string says "No, I'm a frayed knot".