andy50 Posted December 1, 2004 Share Posted December 1, 2004 always keep an empty bottle of milk /cream in your fridge/ice box, just in case a suprise visitor turns up , and only wants "black"coffee--another top tip next week- thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tuky Posted December 1, 2004 Share Posted December 1, 2004 can we relate this to thailand somehow? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andy50 Posted December 1, 2004 Author Share Posted December 1, 2004 can we relate this to thailand somehow? <{POST_SNAPBACK}> when living in thailand, always keep an empty bottle of milk in your fridge ,just incase a suprise visitor turns up and wants black coffee? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
davethailand Posted December 1, 2004 Share Posted December 1, 2004 this thread has alot of promise Here's a few more- Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously "erased." Sam Neffendorf, Weybridge. Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey. It gives any cocktail a bit of "oomph." James Francis, East Glamorgan Hospital. A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an ideal "car" for snakes. Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon. Phil Wasey, Liverpool. Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln. Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa anytime by just turning on the tap. Mrs M Growitt, Birmingham. Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time. Sgt. R. J. Crowe, 662 Squadron, Germany. Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol whenever you park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two plastic buckets. D. Griffiths, Kent. Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house. Mr P. Lilburn, Rotherham. Record the sound of your wife having an orgasm, and then listen to the tape through headphones next time you make love. That way you can have sex without waking her up. Frank Wilson, Southend. Fellas. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you're <deleted> at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extra girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub. Daphnie Treloar, Cardiff. Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you cant and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under- arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt. D Thresher, Wapping. Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piercing together potatoes. B Reastford, Iranville, Notts. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner. Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas. N. Burke, Manchester. As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use in such emergencies. Mrs D Bibby, Rugby. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead. When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. D. Rogers Hemel, Hempstead General Infirmary. Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable Middle East country inhabited by religious fanatics. Ignore British Government advice to leave when a war looks imminent, then moan a few weeks later when bombs start going off and there aren't any planes home. S Goblin, Middlesex. Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide out. Kate Emblen, Uxbridge. Cyclists. Why not try stopping at red lights like everyone else, instead of riding up onto the pavement to avoid them. Stupid Bastards. M Burridge, Newcastle. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard. P Raker, Chatham. Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be worn around the neck. B Morgan, Criccieth. Don't buy expensive "ribbed" condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on. D Duckham, Didford. Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative to sun-bed treatments. Mr T. Eebly, Warstead. Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again. P Loft, Gateshead. I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving. The secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you have completely forgotten ever owning a car. Mike Grey, Essex. Prevent crisps cutting your gums and getting caught between teeth by steeping them in a bowl of water before eating them. T.C. Jackson, York. Werewolf enthusiasts. get that "wolfy" feeling every night by simply gluing a paper plate to your bedroom window. J. Bradley, Beeston, Notts. Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee. A. Sharp, Birmingham. Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by making "blinkers" out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each temple. Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood. Internet users. Try "accessing" your local newsagents and "download" a few wank mags from the top shelf. They're cheaper than computers, and easier to smuggle into the toilet. Carl Hesketh, Blackburn. A next door neighbours car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency. Nick Jeggo, Adbaston, Staffs. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place. Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood. Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player during a powercut. Howard Urmenyl, Amersham, Leo Sayer country. Next time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow you on a moped carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can take the blame. Bastien Phelp, Bath. Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act. W. T. Conqueror, Hastings. Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipe and a cricket ball. I. K. Brunel, Bristol. Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will turn back the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of time. C. Custer, Little Bighorn. Play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the bath with a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic and dangerous landings. Neil Davis, e-mail. Car cigarette lighters make ideal mini "High Chaparral" style branding irons. J.T. Thropton. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Sister S. Berwick, Blackrod. Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by "War Of The Worlds" style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around their holes. J.T. Thropton. Fool passers by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking down the street wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of raw meat in your hand and constantly looking up into the sky. Simone Glover, Tottenham. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stroll Posted December 1, 2004 Share Posted December 1, 2004 can we relate this to thailand somehow? <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Don't eat the yellow snow! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Mist Posted December 2, 2004 Share Posted December 2, 2004 can we relate this to thailand somehow? <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Don't eat the yellow snow! <{POST_SNAPBACK}> don't eat yellow snow from Thailand Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wolfie Posted December 2, 2004 Share Posted December 2, 2004 Werewolf enthusiasts. get that "wolfy" feeling every night by simplygluing a paper plate to your bedroom window. J. Bradley, Beeston, Notts Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jayenram Posted December 2, 2004 Share Posted December 2, 2004 this thread has alot of promise Here's a few more- <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Excellent Dave. The FG wondered what the ###### I was on I was laughing so much! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Insight Posted December 2, 2004 Share Posted December 2, 2004 Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place. Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> ... Never fails to make me laugh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Gentleman Scamp Posted December 2, 2004 Share Posted December 2, 2004 Make local Thai's think you are magnetic by gluing cutlery, paperclips and other metal objects to your body when travelling on the skytrain or visiting your local 7-Eleven. The Gentleman Scamp/Muang Thong Thani Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tuky Posted December 2, 2004 Share Posted December 2, 2004 can we relate this to thailand somehow? <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Never chop wood in a Thai rubber dinghy. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> can we relate this to thailand somehow? <{POST_SNAPBACK}> when living in thailand, always keep an empty bottle of milk in your fridge ,just incase a suprise visitor turns up and wants black coffee? <{POST_SNAPBACK}> can we relate this to thailand somehow? <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Don't eat the yellow snow! <{POST_SNAPBACK}> don't eat yellow snow from Thailand <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Thats better... To counter "on the bog blues" smear some crunchy peanut butter onto a piece of toilet paper and slide it under the cubicle wall, swear at your stupidity for missing the bowl then tell the guy next to you that your sorry and to please pass it back!!! Go to the information desk at the local supermarket and ask them to page (insert your name here) as they are lost, when the announcement has been made tell the lady your name and ask her what she wants you for!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andy50 Posted December 2, 2004 Author Share Posted December 2, 2004 glad to see there are viz readers in thailand too! thai women-dont waste energy, faking orgasms-most men couldnt give a sh*t anyway,and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after youve been banged Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kurgen Posted December 18, 2004 Share Posted December 18, 2004 Make peeing more fun by spending several minutes shaking it dry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aughie Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 can we relate this to thailand somehow? Don't eat the yellow snow! don't eat yellow snow from Thailand This being Christmas and all I was gonna ask if it snows in Bkk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Gentleman Scamp Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 (edited) SCAMPY'S TOP TIPS ...Which I e-mailed to a few mates about a year ago when I was in Cape Town and my brothers were out playing golf. DON'T fork out extra cash on that new zoom camera. Simply stand closer to the object you with to photograph. AVOID feeling guilty when passing beggars by talking to yourself and pretending to be mad. BARGIRLS: Reward repeat customers with a 'Premier Points' card and a sticker for each time they take you home. When they have eight stickers they can get a free handjob. FOOL guesthouse owners into thinking you are magnetic by gluing cutlery and paperclips to your hands and face. GUARANTEE yourself a seat on the Skytrain by simply starting all your journeys at On Nut. AIRLINE PILOTS: encourage passengers to walk about freely and move their feet while you're doing 700mph over some mountains but insist they fasten their seatbelts while you dawdle along the runway looking for somewhere to park. ITALIANS: Fool people into thinking your Israeli by standing in everyone's way and being rude to anybody who speaks to you. THAI GIRLS: Make people think you're from a wealthy, upper class family by putting talcum powder on your face. FOOL Tuk-Tuk drivers into thinking you are a sex tourist by telling them you are from Germany. BACKPACKERS: Annoy expats by making travel related small talk and asking which island they reccomend. CONVINCE guesthouse owners you have Parkinsons disease by shaking your wrist and scrawling all over the desk when you sign your name. DANISH GIRLS: Don't forget to keep your noses high to show everybody how superior you are. MAKE your own 'spirit house' by decorating a bird table with tinsel and putting an offering of fresh fruit and insense on it. The fruit will rot, the incence will burn away and Bhudda will be thankful and bring you good luck. THAI DOGS: Avoid death and injury by not sleeping in the middle of the road. FOOL guesthouse owners into believing you have a pet crocodile by bandaging your hand and bringing back live chickens. CD STALL HOLDERS Show customers how 'hip' and 'with it' you are by wearing a woolly hat and playing nothing but the first track on the new Dido album. RECREATE The taste of Tom Yung Kung soup by licking the terminals on a AA3 batery. FARANG GIRLS: Don't get your hair braided - it looks shit. FOOL guesthouse owners into thinking you're a warewolf by howling at the moon, tearing your clothes and not shaving. TAXI DRIVERS Why not deliberatly take a route you know will be heavily conjested with traffic? That way your passenger will get to their destination late and you get more f*cking money. BACKPACKERS: Show everybody you are a more experienced traveller than them by wearing a sarong, dreadlocking your hair and not washing. THAI GIRLFRIENDS: Let your boyfriend know you are angry with him by answering "Up to you" to anything he asks or suggests. ALWAYS take a coat and blanket when going to the cinema. AVOID discomfort after a visit to the toilet by pulling down your trousers and underpants before sitting down to pass a stool. Edited December 21, 2004 by The Gentleman Scamp Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gazza Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 can we relate this to thailand somehow? Don't eat the yellow snow! don't eat yellow snow from Thailand This being Christmas and all I was gonna ask if it snows in Bkk. Only when you can see a flock of flying pigs silhouetted against a blue moon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Khutan Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 (edited) can we relate this to thailand somehow? <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Don't eat the yellow snow! <{POST_SNAPBACK}> don't eat yellow snow from Thailand <{POST_SNAPBACK}> This being Christmas and all I was gonna ask if it snows in Bkk. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Umm, If you like I will offer you odds of 1000-1 if it naturally snows in Bangkok on Christmas day. So you give me 1,000 Baht, and I will give you back a 1,000,000 if it naturally snows in Bangkok on Christmas day. Sound like a good deal. ????? Just wish I could spell better and stop editing my posts! Edited December 21, 2004 by mattnich Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Khutan Posted December 25, 2004 Share Posted December 25, 2004 Ok, No snow on the news today for Bangkok, where's my 1000 Baht ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gazza Posted December 25, 2004 Share Posted December 25, 2004 Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of `rodeo sex`. Take your Thai wife/gf from behind and, holding on tightly to her tits, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted` for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
davethailand Posted December 25, 2004 Share Posted December 25, 2004 (edited) ITALIANS: Fool people into thinking your Israeli by standing in everyone's way and being rude to anybody who speaks to you.THAI GIRLS: Make people think you're from a wealthy, upper class family by putting talcum powder on your face. FOOL Tuk-Tuk drivers into thinking you are a sex tourist by telling them you are from Germany. BACKPACKERS: Annoy expats by making travel related small talk and asking which island they reccomend FARANG GIRLS: Don't get your hair braided - it looks shit. Here's a good one- Avoid paying over the top prices for personalised numbers plates, simply change your name to match your existing plate. Mr ULT956M Edited December 25, 2004 by davethailand Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff1 Posted December 25, 2004 Share Posted December 25, 2004 Do not try to be a hero by slapping the fried bug out of a girls hand that she was about to eat and saying " that was close , you almost ate a bug ! " I learned that one the hard way Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aughie Posted December 26, 2004 Share Posted December 26, 2004 Ok, No snow on the news today for Bangkok, where's my 1000 Baht ? Santa didn't drop it off? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aughie Posted December 26, 2004 Share Posted December 26, 2004 If you work in a place where lots of people use the same toilets... you know what it is like... people p*ss on the seat... dribble on the floor... etc etc. Take a can of vegetable soup to work and pour it into one of the toilets and 'don't' flush it. That toilet will never be used by anybody other than yourself. Rav, That is hilarious!!! That is the most in the trenches sage advice I have heard. You sir, are an old hand. Good stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Khutan Posted December 26, 2004 Share Posted December 26, 2004 Ok, No snow on the news today for Bangkok, where's my 1000 Baht ? <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Santa didn't drop it off? <{POST_SNAPBACK}> I don't have a chimney, just a vent for the toilet..... Maybe Santa mistook that for a chimney Ravisher : Top one, that is excellent If you work in a place where lots of people use the same toilets... you know what it is like... people p*ss on the seat... dribble on the floor... etc etc. Take a can of vegetable soup to work and pour it into one of the toilets and 'don't' flush it. That toilet will never be used by anybody other than yourself. Another one is if someone Pi$$es you off and is really proud of their car, get a refil of photocopy toner and put it all over the outside of their car. The heat from the sun will bond the toner to the car's paint. I have seen it sone, only way to get it off is sand-blasting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gazza Posted December 27, 2004 Share Posted December 27, 2004 If somebody p*sses you off, put a potato up their exhaust pipe. It will take them ages and ages to find out why their care/motorbike won't start. If somebody p*sses you off a LOT, get some 'grinding paste' and mix it with oil and pour it into the oil intake of their car/motorbike... a few kilometers will grind all the bearings out of the engine. If somebody reallly p*sses you off BIG TIME! Take a wire from the HT lead and put a spark plug on the end... and hang it in the gas tank. You will hear the explosion about a mile away. I wouldn't like to get on the wrong side of you, Ravi. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gazza Posted December 27, 2004 Share Posted December 27, 2004 Another one I read recently. Dyslexics, try purposely misspelling words. That way you have a chance of getting them correct. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peder.klockmann Posted December 31, 2004 Share Posted December 31, 2004 I once heard that you can cheaply mess up someones paint job by purchasing a pack of bologna and just tossing the slices on the paint and let the sun take care of the rest untill they return, I assume it takes about an hour but, I don't know for sure as I have never done it; well seen the results uh oh bologna polka-dots Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bodypaul Posted January 7, 2005 Share Posted January 7, 2005 Let's hope I never p1ss any of you lot off ... OR you never find out what type of car I have!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TizMe Posted January 8, 2005 Share Posted January 8, 2005 I heard that brake fluid will do the paint in as well.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DJ Pat Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 Thai related top tips: Bar Girls: Increase the teacher population of Thailand by telling every fat unattractive sex tourist that you "Love them long time" Soi Dogs: Unnerve drunken farang on their way home by appearing from nowhere and barking loudly Taxi drivers: Enhance the reputation of your country by asking every tourist if "You like Thai lady" Gay Thai men: Wiggling your arse and taking oestrogen tablets is an ideal substitute for a sex change operation Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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