Top Tip Of The Week

[davethailand]

Thai related top tips:

Bar Girls: Increase the teacher population of Thailand by telling every fat unattractive sex tourist that you "Love them long time"

Soi Dogs: Unnerve drunken farang on their way home by appearing from nowhere and barking loudly

Taxi drivers: Enhance the reputation of your country by asking every tourist if "You like Thai lady"

Gay Thai men: Wiggling your arse and taking oestrogen tablets is an ideal substitute for a sex change operation

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

But Patrick you are a farang! and i bet you've been a drunken one also

[igotworms]

SCAMPY'S TOP TIPS

...Which I e-mailed to a few mates about a year ago when I was in Cape Town and my brothers were out playing golf.

DON'T fork out extra cash on that new zoom camera. Simply stand closer to the object you with to photograph.

AVOID feeling guilty when passing beggars by talking to yourself and pretending to be mad.

BARGIRLS: Reward repeat customers with a 'Premier Points' card and a sticker for each time they take you home. When they have eight stickers they can get a free handjob.

FOOL guesthouse owners into thinking you are magnetic by gluing cutlery and paperclips to your hands and face.

GUARANTEE yourself a seat on the Skytrain by simply starting all your journeys at On Nut.

AIRLINE PILOTS: encourage passengers to walk about freely and move their feet while you're doing 700mph over some mountains but insist they fasten their seatbelts while you dawdle along the runway looking for somewhere to park.

ITALIANS: Fool people into thinking your Israeli by standing in everyone's way and being rude to anybody who speaks to you.

THAI GIRLS: Make people think you're from a wealthy, upper class family by putting talcum powder on your face.

FOOL Tuk-Tuk drivers into thinking you are a sex tourist by telling them you are from Germany.

BACKPACKERS: Annoy expats by making travel related small talk and asking which island they reccomend.

CONVINCE guesthouse owners you have Parkinsons disease by shaking your wrist and scrawling all over the desk when you sign your name.

DANISH GIRLS: Don't forget to keep your noses high to show everybody how superior you are.

MAKE your own 'spirit house' by decorating a bird table with tinsel and putting an offering of fresh fruit and insense on it. The fruit will rot, the incence will burn away and Bhudda will be thankful and bring you good luck.

THAI DOGS: Avoid death and injury by not sleeping in the middle of the road.

FOOL guesthouse owners into believing you have a pet crocodile by bandaging your hand and bringing back live chickens.

CD STALL HOLDERS Show customers how 'hip' and 'with it' you are by wearing a woolly hat and playing nothing but the first track on the new Dido album.

RECREATE The taste of Tom Yung Kung soup by licking the terminals on a AA3 batery.

FARANG GIRLS: Don't get your hair braided - it looks shit.

FOOL guesthouse owners into thinking you're a warewolf by howling at the moon, tearing your clothes and not shaving.

TAXI DRIVERS Why not deliberatly take a route you know will be heavily conjested with traffic? That way your passenger will get to their destination late and you get more f*cking money.

BACKPACKERS: Show everybody you are a more experienced traveller than them by wearing a sarong, dreadlocking your hair and not washing.

THAI GIRLFRIENDS: Let your boyfriend know you are angry with him by answering "Up to you" to anything he asks or suggests.

ALWAYS take a coat and blanket when going to the cinema.

AVOID discomfort after a visit to the toilet by pulling down your trousers and underpants before sitting down to pass a stool.

Scampy...I just got around to reading this now....brilliant stuff.

[khunlungphudhu]

I heard that brake fluid will do the paint in as well..

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

As will 'old' Thai whiskey, but can't say as I've seen much of that around!

[DJ Pat]

AVOID driving through traffic clogged intersections by taking a taxi instead

INTERNET SHOPS in Thailand: Make your patrons happy by setting the homepage to a teenage Thai website with lots of pop-ups that keeps asking you if you would like to set it to your homepage

AVOID LISTENING TO mediocre giutarists at beer gardens around Pattaya by drinking at the Blues Factory instead

Edited January 13, 2005 by DJ Pat

[davethailand]

Pats just earned himself a beer.

[chuchok]

Pats just earned himself a beer.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Good on ya mate, but he's still a toss.

[DJ Pat]

BLUES FACTORY TOILET PLANNERS You have at least space for three more urinals, getting rid of the guy who puts wet towels into microwaves would make space for one so far...

[aughie]

Always carry enough cash to get to your nearest relative.

[DJ Pat]

POODLE OWNERS Allowing your hound to bark in an awful high pitched bark will make them appear very cute indeed.

[tuky]

Soi Dogs---if you see a drunken Thai male walking home alone, do not "wag your tail and look all sexy"

[Shola]

Thai cell phone owners:- Go on the BTS, Have your ring tone at full volume with the theme 'Jingle Bells' set on it all year round and then have a trivial conversation speaking at 60 Decibells, us farang just love it

[DJ Pat]

Thai cell phone owners:- Go on the BTS, Have your ring tone at full volume with the theme 'Jingle Bells' set on it all year round and  then have a trivial conversation speaking at 60 Decibells, us farang just love it  

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I love that^^

[Kerryd]

Incoming Fire has the right of way.

Artillery doesn't discriminate.

If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

If the enemy is within range, so are you.

Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.

[DJ Pat]

I think you posted on the wrong forum^^^ The Saddo's SAS wannabe forum is

HERE

Edited February 10, 2005 by DJ Pat

[Kerryd]

I think you posted on the wrong forum^^^ The Saddo's SAS wannabe forum is

HERE

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Possibly. Though as I mentioned in that forum, I did spend 21 years in my country's military and am proud of my record.

I also mentioned that I never was a "special" anything, just a regular grunt.

[glitter1021]

After spending the evening drinking yourself silly and not wanting to drive home....

Head to the nearest pizza place and place an order.

When they leave to deliver the pizza, hitch a ride home.

[chuchok]

Incoming Fire has the right of way.

Artillery doesn't discriminate.

If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

If the enemy is within range, so are you.

Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

That reminds me of what my grandfather used to say in when he served in WWI.

"Everybody told me that when you numbers up,your numbers up. Me, I used to keep my head down"

[kayo]

Soi Dogs---if you see a drunken Thai male walking home alone, do not "wag your tail and look all sexy"

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thai men: When you are walking home drunk at night, do not mistake that cute female, waving her bum at you, for a girl.