Looking For Experiences With Financially-based Relationships

[samuibeachcomber]

to MSAsok and sylviex,i think you two think too much,life is a lot easier to fathom out than you both make out,but am glad you enjoyed your repartee.

Thanks for your input. Feel free to return to reading posts about 'what's the best way to wipe my arse?' or 'should I marry a midget?' or 'Help! My Thai wife is planning to kill me!' or whatever...

no need to get your knickers in a twist

[MKAsok]

no need to get your knickers in a twist

LOL

[samuibeachcomber]

and its good night from me and its good night from him!

[Lopburi99]

Bonobo, assume that everything she tells you is a lie to get you to think of her as a poor sweet girl you might fall in love with one day. Ex sex workers are not scraggly and hunch backed and often have no actual sex skill so not sure what you think the signs are..... If you are old and she is beautiful then you have your answer right there man, she is setting you up to pay her money for a relationship and you WILL be the guy that she basically hates but uses for cash. There is nothing wrong with that as long as you are aware of it and dont mind buying love. But do not fall into the trap of kidding yourself like so many heart broken falangs we keep hearing stories about. For some reason each and every one thinks they or their girl is different. The girls you meet online that talk to falangs are HUNTERS. You have taken the initial bait and now she is working on the big trap.

I agree entirely with Sabum. It all depends on if you are able to manage your emotions (and expectations). Hopefully you will not fall in love with her, and that you will be able to recognize this situation strictly for what it is: a beautiful young woman in financial need who is willing to (for now) play wife/gf for you in return for money. I understand how great she can make you feel, probably better than ever before. When I met my first Thai wife I was on cloud nine for months (even though that relationship didn't work out, I still don't regret taking the chance with her seeming too good to be true, and was).

If you can ignore or accept the reality you are buying a relationship then maybe you will be OK. But be prepared for the eventuality, probably 100% unfortunately, your relationship will weaken over time and maybe end in heartbreak. Don't be delusional.

Anyway, from your post you seem to be mostly aware of the issues. I was not able to manage my emotions in the manner you wll be required to. I hope you are more successful, but this will not be easy for you my friend, IMHO.

Best of luck to you (both).

Edited October 20, 2008 by Lopburi99

[sylviex]

Why are we using the word "love" ? I think all of us know love cannot be bought. In fact, as a woman, I think I'd probably feel some disgust; certainly no respect for the other person. Sorry .

You'd be buying sex & companionship and an illusion, it seems to me.

Not to mention giving your self-respect a serious testing.

Edited October 21, 2008 by sylviex

[bonobo]

I suspect what you are most reacting to is my equation of the OP's situation to (that p*********** word). I do regard more longstanding relationships as somewhat different. However, in such a new relationship, the dangling of a 1,000 baht phone card-carrot suggests many parrallels to p*********** and it gets tiring to read of the attitude of some foreigners.

.

Your posts have gone well beyond my specific case, but I have read all of them with interest and respect.  However, I do think you have misinterpreted my actions.  Once again, the woman in question has never asked for one single baht. However, she cannot call me but must wait for my call. I have gotten her a phone card, but that is in no way quid-pro-quo for anything. That is only to make our communications easier.  Period. There is really no parallel for that to prostitution.  While you may be able to logically make the parallels for other actions described in this thread, this is not part of it.

My initial intent of the post was to get input for IF she asked for some sort of financial assistance, and I assumed that if she asked, it would be for tuition as she is a student. And based on the posts I have read, and based on my own digestion of these comments, I have decided that should she ever ask for assistance, I will help, but I will stop seeing her on an intimate-type relationship.

Once again though, she has not asked for anything yet. I do pay for food and movies, but other than the calling card (which was my idea), she has not asked for nor received anything of a financial nature.

[sylviex]

Your posts have gone well beyond my specific case

Yes -- many comments are not intended to apply to your situation.

However, I do think you have misinterpreted my actions.

And yes, I think I have -- somehow I got the idea this was a a kind of test.

I have decided that should she ever ask for assistance, I will help, but I will stop seeing her on an intimate-type relationship.

I think that's a good decision, both for her and for you.

It must be very difficult for men here to try to sort out womens's motives.

[Maverell]

As long as you are happy, Why would you care. I have been taking care of women all my life . Some i was married to cost me a whloe lot more than i spend here in LOS

[/quote

I know what you mean, my ex wife in the UK cost me vast amounts of cash as well - but what I do not like is when you give the Thai g/f money and she promptly sends it to her Thai husband ! Despite visiting her nice family home and getting assurances from herself, her mother, her friends, her sister and her aunty that she is single !

Its happened to me once - and she worked for the BTS.

With that, and from what I have heard from other farang living here, I am sorry to say I do not trust any Thai girls, whatever their background ! So its no long term relationships in LOS for me !

I know of a few long term and happy relationships here between farang and Thai. But I know far more that have ended badly because of money or its distribution !

Yes, perhaps I am being over cautious but thats just me.

Edited October 21, 2008 by Maverell

[samuibeachcomber]

I suspect what you are most reacting to is my equation of the OP's situation to (that p*********** word). I do regard more longstanding relationships as somewhat different. However, in such a new relationship, the dangling of a 1,000 baht phone card-carrot suggests many parrallels to p*********** and it gets tiring to read of the attitude of some foreigners.

.

Your posts have gone well beyond my specific case, but I have read all of them with interest and respect. However, I do think you have misinterpreted my actions. Once again, the woman in question has never asked for one single baht. However, she cannot call me but must wait for my call. I have gotten her a phone card, but that is in no way quid-pro-quo for anything. That is only to make our communications easier. Period. There is really no parallel for that to prostitution. While you may be able to logically make the parallels for other actions described in this thread, this is not part of it.

My initial intent of the post was to get input for IF she asked for some sort of financial assistance, and I assumed that if she asked, it would be for tuition as she is a student. And based on the posts I have read, and based on my own digestion of these comments, I have decided that should she ever ask for assistance, I will help, but I will stop seeing her on an intimate-type relationship.

Once again though, she has not asked for anything yet. I do pay for food and movies, but other than the calling card (which was my idea), she has not asked for nor received anything of a financial nature.

why would you stop seeing her on an intimate relation basis?

[a2396]

Your posts have gone well beyond my specific case

Yes -- many comments are not intended to apply to your situation.

However, I do think you have misinterpreted my actions.

And yes, I think I have -- somehow I got the idea this was a a kind of test.

I have decided that should she ever ask for assistance, I will help, but I will stop seeing her on an intimate-type relationship.

I think that's a good decision, both for her and for you.

It must be very difficult for men here to try to sort out womens's motives.

"...Difficult to sort our women's motives." That's got to be the understatement of the year. I think that often the women herself does not know her motives. The biggest problem is communication, poor language skills coupled with the general Thai attitude of not telling things like they are. If this cannot be corrected, it will destroy the relationship in the end. Unfortunately, it is a rare case when things do improve. More questions just lead to more "stonewalling". I am trying to sort out what's what with my current GF and it is a very frustrating experience.

[jfchandler]

I'd certainly concur with the couple of posts and comments immediately prior....

What's said, and what's really thought, seem rarely to be the same thing. Communication is often very lacking. And influences of parents and relatives often seem to anonymously seep into your interactions without you (the guy) even being aware where those influences have come from.

A number of those kinds of experiences have made me reverse my emotional polarity since moving to Thailand. Before, I would tend at the outset to reasonably trust people (and women) unless I had or felt some reason not to. Nowadays, I find myself starting out with the presumption to basically not trust people here or their motives, unless convinced with time or experience otherwise.

I'm not sure I like that change in my feelings. But I think living here as a farang almost makes it a necessity -- if you want to survive reasonably intact.

[samuibeachcomber]

your so right JFC,trust is the big thing here,or the lack of it ,you always have to be on your guard especially in relationships,its also the lieing that really gets to me,as if its a national trait."the price of peace and a full wallet is eternal vigilence.

[bonobo]

I suspect what you are most reacting to is my equation of the OP's situation to (that p*********** word). I do regard more longstanding relationships as somewhat different. However, in such a new relationship, the dangling of a 1,000 baht phone card-carrot suggests many parrallels to p*********** and it gets tiring to read of the attitude of some foreigners.

.

Your posts have gone well beyond my specific case, but I have read all of them with interest and respect. However, I do think you have misinterpreted my actions. Once again, the woman in question has never asked for one single baht. However, she cannot call me but must wait for my call. I have gotten her a phone card, but that is in no way quid-pro-quo for anything. That is only to make our communications easier. Period. There is really no parallel for that to prostitution. While you may be able to logically make the parallels for other actions described in this thread, this is not part of it.

My initial intent of the post was to get input for IF she asked for some sort of financial assistance, and I assumed that if she asked, it would be for tuition as she is a student. And based on the posts I have read, and based on my own digestion of these comments, I have decided that should she ever ask for assistance, I will help, but I will stop seeing her on an intimate-type relationship.

Once again though, she has not asked for anything yet. I do pay for food and movies, but other than the calling card (which was my idea), she has not asked for nor received anything of a financial nature.

why would you stop seeing her on an intimate relation basis?

Because I would wonder if she is being intimate solely for the assistance, and I don't want anyone in my bed who is not there to enjoy herself.

I don't mind helping someone out, but I don't need sex that much so as to have someone be in that position.

[Svenn]

Supporting a girlfriend who is financially needy poses its greatest problem in the breakup- do you serioulsy have the fortitude to throw her back into the cold world of poverty just cuz the romance turned sour? I guess most thaivisa members are heartless old peasants from the backwaters of the world, and can dump a girl no problem; but if u have half a heart, then that probably means you'd still admire a girl even though you didn't want to ever get serious with her... so what do you at the breakup?

The girl will probably say she can take care of herself (and certainly the fact that she didn't ask for money is no point for her considering any girl with half a brain knows that's how u get the cash), but can you imagine the feeling of being poor but being with a financially secure bf, probably planning your new future, and then all of a sudden being thrown back in the street when it fails?

It's a tough situation, catch 22, you can't let yourself get blackmailed: 'if you breakup with me I'll work in bar', ...but you can't 'just go easy and try it out for a while' either without morality problems. Anyone else agree?

[bonobo]

Supporting a girlfriend who is financially needy poses its greatest problem in the breakup- do you serioulsy have the fortitude to throw her back into the cold world of poverty just cuz the romance turned sour? I guess most thaivisa members are heartless old peasants from the backwaters of the world, and can dump a girl no problem; but if u have half a heart, then that probably means you'd still admire a girl even though you didn't want to ever get serious with her... so what do you at the breakup?

The girl will probably say she can take care of herself (and certainly the fact that she didn't ask for money is no point for her considering any girl with half a brain knows that's how u get the cash), but can you imagine the feeling of being poor but being with a financially secure bf, probably planning your new future, and then all of a sudden being thrown back in the street when it fails?

It's a tough situation, catch 22, you can't let yourself get blackmailed: 'if you breakup with me I'll work in bar', ...but you can't 'just go easy and try it out for a while' either without morality problems. Anyone else agree?

But if you take the advice that many astute posters here have given, you don't just give a woman money.  You give her a job, a career.  Then, if you break up, she has a future and is not "thrown into the cold world of poverty."

After I first started this thread, and after reading many of the posts here, I discussed it with my best friend (a Thai man.)  And we discussed his g/f.  He met her shortly after she graduated from the university.  Over the course of the next few years, he got her trained and licensed as a stock broker and got her placed in a brokerage firm. Now she works independantly and has about 30 clients.  Bottom line is that if they do break up, she has a valuable skill and an existing client base to be able live a fine life here in Thailand.

[samuibeachcomber]

I suspect what you are most reacting to is my equation of the OP's situation to (that p*********** word). I do regard more longstanding relationships as somewhat different. However, in such a new relationship, the dangling of a 1,000 baht phone card-carrot suggests many parrallels to p*********** and it gets tiring to read of the attitude of some foreigners.

.

Your posts have gone well beyond my specific case, but I have read all of them with interest and respect. However, I do think you have misinterpreted my actions. Once again, the woman in question has never asked for one single baht. However, she cannot call me but must wait for my call. I have gotten her a phone card, but that is in no way quid-pro-quo for anything. That is only to make our communications easier. Period. There is really no parallel for that to prostitution. While you may be able to logically make the parallels for other actions described in this thread, this is not part of it.

My initial intent of the post was to get input for IF she asked for some sort of financial assistance, and I assumed that if she asked, it would be for tuition as she is a student. And based on the posts I have read, and based on my own digestion of these comments, I have decided that should she ever ask for assistance, I will help, but I will stop seeing her on an intimate-type relationship.

Once again though, she has not asked for anything yet. I do pay for food and movies, but other than the calling card (which was my idea), she has not asked for nor received anything of a financial nature.

why would you stop seeing her on an intimate relation basis?

Because I would wonder if she is being intimate solely for the assistance, and I don't want anyone in my bed who is not there to enjoy herself.

I don't mind helping someone out, but I don't need sex that much so as to have someone be in that position.

ok so just be friends,forget the emotional ties,the sex,just help here out and you will feel good for doing so,give what finance you can afford,and expect nothing back.If she is realy appreciative of your help you may get back 10 fold.s NIKE SAY "JUST DO IT"

[Svenn]

Supporting a girlfriend who is financially needy poses its greatest problem in the breakup- do you serioulsy have the fortitude to throw her back into the cold world of poverty just cuz the romance turned sour? I guess most thaivisa members are heartless old peasants from the backwaters of the world, and can dump a girl no problem; but if u have half a heart, then that probably means you'd still admire a girl even though you didn't want to ever get serious with her... so what do you at the breakup?

The girl will probably say she can take care of herself (and certainly the fact that she didn't ask for money is no point for her considering any girl with half a brain knows that's how u get the cash), but can you imagine the feeling of being poor but being with a financially secure bf, probably planning your new future, and then all of a sudden being thrown back in the street when it fails?

It's a tough situation, catch 22, you can't let yourself get blackmailed: 'if you breakup with me I'll work in bar', ...but you can't 'just go easy and try it out for a while' either without morality problems. Anyone else agree?

But if you take the advice that many astute posters here have given, you don't just give a woman money. You give her a job, a career. Then, if you break up, she has a future and is not "thrown into the cold world of poverty."

After I first started this thread, and after reading many of the posts here, I discussed it with my best friend (a Thai man.) And we discussed his g/f. He met her shortly after she graduated from the university. Over the course of the next few years, he got her trained and licensed as a stock broker and got her placed in a brokerage firm. Now she works independantly and has about 30 clients. Bottom line is that if they do break up, she has a valuable skill and an existing client base to be able live a fine life here in Thailand.

Giving money for an education is still giving money obviously, but I know what ur saying. But what if she doesn't succeed like this individual, either because of luck or of even of laziness? Maybe I'm too attaching, but I imagine I'd keep worrying about her even if we did break up... making some excuse for her as to why she failed in getting a better job... but I've never experienced it, so I dunno. You're not concerned about that? I just feel like the breakup is really gonna surrealistically suck- it's not gonna be a simple 'let's see other people', ...it's gonna sink in to her that the new, realtively easy life with the farang is gonna shatter back into the toil of daily thai life, even if she does have a slightly better job. Am I wrong? Alternatively, if your relationship ends on a fight, it's no problem, or if you purposely make urself so repulsive she wants to break up with u

[bonobo]

Giving money for an education is still giving money obviously, but I know what ur saying. But what if she doesn't succeed like this individual, either because of luck or of even of laziness? Maybe I'm too attaching, but I imagine I'd keep worrying about her even if we did break up... making some excuse for her as to why she failed in getting a better job... but I've never experienced it, so I dunno. You're not concerned about that? I just feel like the breakup is really gonna surrealistically suck- it's not gonna be a simple 'let's see other people', ...it's gonna sink in to her that the new, realtively easy life with the farang is gonna shatter back into the toil of daily thai life, even if she does have a slightly better job. Am I wrong? Alternatively, if your relationship ends on a fight, it's no problem, or if you purposely make urself so repulsive she wants to break up with u

Breaking up is never easy. But it is better to break up and move on than stay in a bad relationship (I am divorced, and while painful, the divorce was the best thing that could have happened at that stage of things.)

But you can only do so much. You can set the table, but you can't force success.  You try to take care of someone, but they also have to be able to do something on their own.

I tend to be attracted to capable women. That does not mean rich, necessarily, but except from maybe two women (both students), any woman I have dated in Thailand has had a decent job and could take care of herself on her own. So I have not had the experience like you postulate.  ANd I doubt that I ever will because I sincerely doubt that I would ever be attracted to a woman who is too lazy, as you put it, to be able to take care of herself.