Question For The Ladies

[woonwai]

Hi.. Im not new to Thaivisa, but my question is..

...Looking for a bit of feedback from Ladies who have been or who are in a relationship with a Thai man. (sorry if this sounds so emo, but i really dont know who i can discuss this with, and also prefer the annonominity of a forum.)

Ive been with a Thai man for close to a year now. Some days are wonderful, some very confusing. I dont know if some of the things i will go on to say are just him, or a trait of many Thai men.

Some days he can be very nice, but, if I do anything he percieves as too emotional (but may I just stress here that I have NEVER shouted or demanded anything.) I get the silent treatment. Im talking about things i view as simple things ie: once i got a little panicky because I was on my way to the final check-in desk for a flight and he popped into the toilet with my hand luggage bag when i didnt notice. When he came out I said to him that I wish he had told me he was going there as Im worried about my flight (and yes, i sounded stressed, but i didnt shout). He looked really annoyed, and when i said bye, he walked off without saying anything, then didnt answer my calls for days. This type of thing happens each time he is annoyed at me for something, so makes me feel sometimes that im walking on eggshells. He absolutely detests anything involving emotion or talking on a deep level, but at the same time he wants me to move in with him! I know most men dont like emotional discussions, and I actually dont like it so much myself, but occasionally I need it. Is it typical of a Thai man to be SO uncomfortable with anything like that? If so, how do you handle it?

If I do try to bring up any things I feel unhappy about, his expression turns into one of annoyance and tells me that I think too much, and he never thinks like that.

He is a good man, dont get me wrong, and neither of us are perfect. But he seems really so stubborn to compromise, thats also why im hesitant to move in with him.

Sorry..im sure this is coming out as blabble and not clear because I feel a little frustrated at the moment.

[girlx]

my first thai boyfriend was like that- annoyed the crap out of me, especially the leaving and turning off his phone thing. thais in general don't like confrontation, thinking too much, or being too "soft". it is simply a cultural difference (though not all of them are like that). you either have to explain how important it is for you to compromise on that point and hope he cares enough about the relationship to do so, or you have to ask yourself if you are willing to accept his approach in the long term. i could not, and moved on, and have been much happier for it.

[Boo]

100% agree, you have to explain to him (calmly & not during one of these episodes) that it is important that he try to open up a bit & not dismiss your feelings & if he can't or wont then only you can decide if you can live with that. I couldn't & it took a lot of talks, some rows & some threats to finally get my husband to open up & start to express himself. Sometimes wish I hadn't , joke, but he loves a good old row now & is happier getting it all out than bottling it all up but not everyone will be willing to at least attempt to express themselves & show some vulnerability.

[bina]

we have some good threads about the 'strong silent fuming' types...

anon had a two year old style temper tantrum on saturday, involving breaking his cell phone (the cheaper one,not the expensive one, he paused for a minute to decide that far ahead in his tantrum)... i think was a result of delayed culture shock (finally getting residency visa thingy, meaning that he will have to 'get on the grid' and deal with real israeli beurocratic life and not foreign worker life) and language barrier and tiredness and homesickness (loy kratong)... my two daughters got on him about something involving a cell phone, lots of raised tones (theirs and mine) over a language misunderstanding that resulted in him gritting his teeth and flinging the phone on the floor...

he got the 'thai style' cool response (i am usually always cool anyway, he is the jai ron one in the family) and two days later i got a special friday evening meal... something we had discussed was important to me (friday nite, shabbat evening good, meat, meal as opposed to grab as u can type meals, since we both work in restaraunts)...

however, i've learned that it is usually best not to deal or bug him when he is pissed off, to wait until we are going to bed, after dinner, and/or when we both arent after our shift work. that means that sometimes i must put off discussions of things more important then : buy eggs, and rice today, type conversations until friday...

and a typical scenario

here's a funny little scenario for u all:

i have a new, 8 week old lhasa apso puppy. she is , basically, besides a mate for our male, also our surrogate baby. so on saturday, a bee or wasp or something ( i think actually a wasp) flew in to the house. the door is always open, the screens dont close properly, and well, a few flew in. so both dogs approached one that was on the floor. as i was about to stamp it to death, my buddhist husband told me he would take it outside. as he bent over to pick it up (he does this all the time), the puppy grabbed the wasp and ran off with it. moments later we hear yelping and lili is tearing around the salon screaming. she swallowed the thing. of course. its saturday. vets here are religous, they dont answer phones , now vet hospitals work, no transportation, no kibbutz cars available. i , the vet assistant, is thinking worst case scenarios, searchng for chlortrimeton, trying to remember the dosage per kilo body weight , but for a 400 gram puppy? so i'm reading the 'net, chopping up the pill, my kids are cuddling the puppy, and trying to see if her nose or tongue is swelling up, and my thai husband is saying: oooooyiiiiiieeeeeeee, thats nature. its her fault she ate it. now she'll learn. she wont die. leave her alone.... in otherwords, i was being a hysterical mother... at any rate, seeing that i was distressed, an hour later, he prepared her special puppy food from his pig liver he had prepared for dinner, all soft and smooshy, and hand fed her with a spoon....

the point being, that although sometimes he is rather childish and quick tempered, he corrects his reactions for the next time round. and i appreciate his good qualities and i do make more compromise then him, but he is also learning, and he is the way he is, in this second round of marriage i definately am not interested in trying to change anyone....

your man sounds a sort of extreme 'thai man-itis': how are your language skills? his? sometimes anon just feels too frustrated in trying to explain himself in simple thai (he starts a rant and i cant keep up and he gets frustrated and i do too and then he just turns off)so its easier for him just to 'shut down'. he also closes the phone, or doesnt answer, since he knows he is hot tempered and he is afraid that he will say somethng that he will be sorry for later. but only for short periods, or he will call back after an hour or so. he even has said that he often says things he doesnt mean, a sort of 'venting', but due to language barriers i dont always catch it as venting but as serious complaining.

like everyone else, u have to realize that this is what u have... and what u will have to live with in the same house. if it really bugs you and u really cant discuss with him, then think about what advice u would give a girlfriend if she was asking you... regardless if the guy is thai or not. just think my guy acts like >>> . of course understanding the 'thainess' is important, if u can tolerate all the thai things that arent just 'guy' things.

bina

israel

oooooyiiiiiieeeeeeee being that thai , maybe issan only? long drawn out expression of disgust about something, that men seem to use

Edited November 17, 2008 by bina

[sbk]

My husband never had the moody thing, thank god. But it did take him awhile to realize that communication was key and that he had to listen to me. I also had to learn, as Bina rightly pointed out, to not scream or yell but to present my issues in a calm and rational manner.

But I have to agree with girlx, here. If he is unwilling to compromise on this point at all then you have to decide if this is really what you want to live with.

[HPtoner]

aha, that way, chinese people are much easier to get along. I am pround of being Chinese, Wish you good luck,

[woonwai]

Thank you all. Just trying to work out the best way of either adapting enough to handle it, or hopefully getting him to ease off doing it. Language wise, my Thai is passable, and his English is very good. Mostly we communicate in English, so although it may be hard for him to express himself in English, I suspect even if we did speak the same mother tongue, he isnt the expressive type. When he brushes me off like that it makes me feel like crap, and I hate how it brings out a needy side of me sometimes, where i begin to crave reassurance that all is ok. Im not a fan of unresolved conflict and like to have harmony. But its good to know at least that it may indeed be a cultural thing.

Something else I would like to ask about, is regarding affection. Before I do though, I dont mean it to sound like im complaining about everything. Im only bringing up the more negative sides rather than discussing the positives (of which there are many), purely because thats the side I wish to try gain understanding of. Sometimes he is very cool. Its hard to explain really. Then an occasional flood of closeness and affection. The lack of consistancy is weird to me. When he is like that I am learning to try just get on with my own thing (which is then often when he comes to me being sweet again). Arghh! Anyone recognise this also?

[bina]

actually not. my husband is very physical in all aspects; he kisses me when leaving in the morning, will thai-kiss me ('hom') in evenings, loves to be physically close when watching tv, or sleeping, and will even take my hand when we are out walking somewhere in town. not sure if he would do this in thailand but he does do that here, and in front of my friends too. my friends are middle eastern and touchy/feely with a very close space tolerance, more so then americans have, so he has gotten used to being handled by men and women (neck massaged, half hugged, double cheek kissed)...

he really likes it, its like watching a cat getting petted, u can see him purr...

but he is very very hot tempered and when angry, u can feel the waves of anger emenating from him; i'd just as soon approach an angry dog... although often rough or 'naughty' humour can joggle him out of the anger streak as the minute he laughs the anger diffuses for the most part... since i also train dogs, i knd of try certain methods of behavior stuff on him too... i watch the anger starting and can often divert him and break the chain, so that now, he diffuses faster and with less nasty (walking out of jobs kind of stuff) results. however, if i am tired and angry and have two or three teenager + tired or irritable kids all being vocal, he cant deal at allllllllll. thats when the tempertantrum thing kicks in...

he btw is very physical with our two (yes now two again) dogs, grooming cleaning feeding handling them...

he's never cool, but when i'm being cool, i sometimes need a few minutes down time after coming in from nite shift and sit on the sofa after eating our quick dinner late at nite -he wants to sleep right after eating to get up in morning again- , he wont approach but will wait in the bedroom for me to come in, or will call to me once or twice and leave it at that... he wont try to cajole me or something...

could be just the personality of your guy specifically in addition to him being thai. how is he with other folks, friends, relatives, children? warm? cold? touchy feely? does he feed them? (those of u whom have husbands that do this understand what i mean)..

bina

israel

[Raesum]

My Thai husband fortunately is none if the things you guys have to put up with some of the time. From the start I said I wasn't going to put up with the no-speaky crap and being a chatty person it takes me about 10 minutes before I haavve to talk. We converse in English exclusively,which is the advantage of meeting him when he was living o/s, so maybe it is the intricacies and hard work of having to explain it all that makes it easier to just be quiet.

I know that living here in Thailand beside my husbands family who don't speak English I find it easier to just stay quiet than try to say what I haven't got the words to say. Its a long road and I have just, after coming to Thailand for 20 years, (Lived here for 2 years)learnt how to read and write the Thai language-still learning how to speak it of course). My Thai husband lived in Australia for 30 years and is a real Aussie especially with his idioms and slang. He still hates reading but is fluent when pushed. I know its a bit far ahead for some of you, but it does work either way and whatever country you live in. It just takes time!!!

[Boo]

When I first met me man he used to want to express himself but struggled to find the right words in English (my thai was/is no way good enough to understand) so we had issues over that in the beginning, so the langauge part can def make the issue worse. If they are near fluent in your langauge or you are in theirs then this discussion is going to be much easier.

[mssabai]

Sometimes in a relationship with a thai man I think it possible to make excuses for them under the banner of the cultural divide. It is a 50/50 balance and he has to try and understand the way you express yourself emotionally too, and not ignore it as you seem like you are trying very hard to understand him. This sounds like it could be his method of getting out of dealing with emotional issues..something all men of any nationality would like to do! Until he is able to compromise more he is not treating you as an equal.

Not saying goodbye to you at the airport sounds supremely self centered and stubborn, and then ignoring your phone calls for such a petty thing is just plain ridiculous. Is this the way he will react when you live with each other? Will he just storm out every time you are stressed and not return for days? How would you cope if he did this? Living together means often one or both of you being stressed and it definitely means more fights than before you live together so you both need to be prepared.

You need to really sit him down and get him to see your side. If he is not willing to even try and understand you then I don't think he deserves your commitment.

Edited November 18, 2008 by mssabai

[woonwai]

Thanks girls. I do wish to add in some positives, because I dont want to come over that im only dishing out dirt. I also wont discuss this with anyone face to face, as I wouldnt feel good about talking like this about him, so appreciate the feedback here very much. He does hold my hand, initiates it in fact (well we both do), and i love that very much. (sometimes he just wanders off, but i think thats down to something attracting his attention and he gets so absorbed he forgets im there for a bit! But thats ok) and he IS considerate about SO many things. Thats of course why I wish to find a way to compromise that doesnt involve hurting his feelings or making me feel like i want to scream!

I know this will sound patronising, and im sorry, but i dont know how else to put it, but sometimes he seems like a big kid when it comes to emotions. I always thought the silent treatment was for kids, not adults. But, I have had to learn to tackle some problems in a way I wouldnt have done before, in an almost childish way in return. Bina, it was your comment on how you handle Anon that reminded me of something similar (although not the same) that i have to do regarding his moods. I find if i am in his company when he goes moody, if I literally grab him and do something stupid like poke his belly and tell him to "quit being grumpy!" but in a joking teasing way, it results in him smirking and i can see the mood break. Sometimes takes a lot of silly antics like that though. Like once blocking the tv each time he shifted his head making more and more stupid poses until he cracked. Its only if im in no mood to pander to him, or if I dont have time, energy, or just feel really frustrated, or not in his company that he will really put on the silent treatment (often lasting days). Im used to things being handled in a more 'adult' way. This is one of the things i have been learning over the time i have known him. A steep learning curve!

Maybe the 'losing face' issue comes into it? (something i find hard to fully understand). Im starting to wonder if his moods are triggered by something he sees as 'losing face'. If im too serious, he doesnt know how to handle it, and feels that he has let me down, so results in him not wanting to face the situation? Really dont know thought.

Anyway, the other night I decided to send him an email as an alternative to a face to face discussion. Again, not something i ever would have done in the past, but maybe it is easier for him than hearing it from me. Also easier for me for I was able to put some points over in a way that may have been hard for me in front of him. I made the email look fun as i added lots of silly smilies and kept it light and easy addressing what i needed to say in a delicate way, plus sandwiched it between lots of nice things and jokiness. I feel better for it tbh (I dont intend to email him like that again though. Dont want him worried every time he opens his email!) This evening he was very chatty and in a good mood. I made sure to make him know i appreciated him (by way of big smiles and lots of attention). He didnt bring up the email, and i didnt either. But as he checks email every morning, im sure he saw it. Fingers crossed that it was the right way to go about it.

So, do any of you find too that your partners find things easier to handle if done in a fun way rather than serious? (Before I would have addressed things in a more serious way, to show that im not being inconsiderate and that i find the discussion important. So, this is a complete turn-around way of doing things for me). Could it also be something to do with the Thai sense of Sanuk?

[woonwai]

Sometimes in a relationship with a thai man I think it possible to make excuses for them under the banner of the cultural divide. It is a 50/50 balance and he has to try and understand the way you express yourself emotionally too, and not ignore it as you seem like you are trying very hard to understand him. This sounds like it could be his method of getting out of dealing with emotional issues..something all men of any nationality would like to do! Until he is able to compromise more he is not treating you as an equal.

Not saying goodbye to you at the airport sounds supremely self centered and stubborn, and then ignoring your phone calls for such a petty thing is just plain ridiculous. Is this the way he will react when you live with each other? Will he just storm out every time you are stressed and not return for days? How would you cope if he did this? Living together means often one or both of you being stressed and it definitely means more fights than before you live together so you both need to be prepared.

You need to really sit him down and get him to see your side. If he is not willing to even try and understand you then I don't think he deserves your commitment.

I see your point mssabai, i really do. But at the same time, i have only listed the negatives. We all have flaws. I dont believe in the grass is always greener on the other side, and like to try see if there are ways to iron out creases rather than give up too soon. Yes its a problem for me that he does this, but also the problem may be that he doesnt know of any other way, and face to face confrontation just makes him close up. So, if there is a way (such as my sending that email..if it works) where he can see my side that doesnt make him close up and if he responds to it in his actions, then thats all really i need in the end. If, of course, he doesnt try to adapt too, thats different.

[woonwai]

Of course the other side is that he could just be thinking there is no point in reading that blah blah email, that his gf really does think too much sometimes, that he already forgot his last mood swing (what mood swing?) and to just get on and have fun!

..Now that one HAS to be international!

[Nampeung]

Personally I think its just MEN per say... you know, Venus and Mars !!!!!

[sbk]

By all means, do try to work things out. But, be aware that relationships are two way streets and it will not work if you are the one doing all the work or making all the compromises. You will become resentful if this occurs.

You have now been in the relationship with him long enough for him to have a pretty good idea of how things work for you and for you to still have to be doing all the work in dealing with emotional issues is not good. Sure, saying it in a fun way makes things easier but it doesn't address the core issues of moodiness and withdrawal. If it were me, I would wait until he was not in a mood and tell him exactly what is going on and how I feel. I would make it clear (although being a man it probably won't change him much) that this is a make or break issue and that if things continue on in this manner then there will have to be a serious re-think about the relationship.

Sure, he has good qualities, most men do. But you have to decide if these bad qualities are livable for you. My dad taught me one important thing: "Women marry men thinking he will change, and men marry women thinking she will never change".

[sbk]

Personally I think its just MEN per say... you know, Venus and Mars !!!!!

As a totally off-topic aside here: welcome back Nampeung, hope things are going better for you

[Goinghomesoon]

....I know this will sound patronising, and im sorry, but i dont know how else to put it, but sometimes he seems like a big kid when it comes to emotions. I always thought the silent treatment was for kids, not adults.

I've often wondered how Thai kids are taught to deal with emotion. For example watching how my Isaan in-laws and their neighbours treat their kids is fascinating (cos it's so different to how I parented my children). Kids in our village are always cajoled to be jai yen, jai yen. The moment they express an extreme emotion, be it joy, anger or sadness, the adults clamp right down, ordering them not to be so expressive, so loud, so jai ron. There is very little physical affection once children become toddlers and can walk indepedently. I think the kids learn very early to keep their emotion inside, because expressing it openly doesn't achieve much. I guess the silent treatment could be something he learned as a child over many years. Undoing it might be difficult!

[mssabai]

By all means, do try to work things out. But, be aware that relationships are two way streets and it will not work if you are the one doing all the work or making all the compromises. You will become resentful if this occurs.

You have now been in the relationship with him long enough for him to have a pretty good idea of how things work for you and for you to still have to be doing all the work in dealing with emotional issues is not good. Sure, saying it in a fun way makes things easier but it doesn't address the core issues of moodiness and withdrawal. If it were me, I would wait until he was not in a mood and tell him exactly what is going on and how I feel. I would make it clear (although being a man it probably won't change him much) that this is a make or break issue and that if things continue on in this manner then there will have to be a serious re-think about the relationship.

Sure, he has good qualities, most men do. But you have to decide if these bad qualities are livable for you. My dad taught me one important thing: "Women marry men thinking he will change, and men marry women thinking she will never change".

Sbk I have read some brilliant quotes from your dad over the years...he sounds like quite a guy. This one is one of my favourites though . I am going to quote it to MrSabai....

Woonwai, of course your man isn't all bad. And I wasn't meaning to say break up with him. But it is not fair for you to do all of the emotional work. As sbk says you will crack under the strain. You will also start a trend which will be much harder to break further down the line.

I personally don't belive an email is the answer. Well it's a good starting point but surely you need to then talk about the email. If you can't talk about anything emotional, you are you going to end up feeling very lonely in your relationship when things go wrong. And you may just end up blaming yourself and taking too much of the burden, which would not be right. It may not come naturally to him, but he has to be willing to adapt to your needs as you obviously to do his. Keep pushing him till he cracks I say!

[Boo]

My approach is blunt, my man had to accept that about me as I wasn't going to compromise on that issue, we had a fair few problems in the early days cause of it but he must have thought me worth it cause we are still here together 8 years later & he knows that once it's dealt with it is over, I don't throw things back in his face or make silly accusations, I confront things, deal with them & move on. And now he does too

Oh I have my wiley ways to get small things resolved & can be sweet as pie but life is way too short to spend it tip toeing around the bigger problems. Better out than in cause if they are not resolvable then better to know now than years down the line. The dynamics of any relationships is in a constant state of flux, nothing ever stays the same IMO so you have to be able to address the changes/problems as they come up & not sweep them away in the hope that they will go away. They don't eventually things come to a head. So I agree with mssabai, this email may have brought the problem to his attention but you still need that face to face or else in another year you will be having the same old feelings with a lot of resentment built in too

[girlx]

My approach is blunt, my man had to accept that about me as I wasn't going to compromise on that issue, we had a fair few problems in the early days cause of it but he must have thought me worth it cause we are still here together 8 years later & he knows that once it's dealt with it is over, I don't throw things back in his face or make silly accusations, I confront things, deal with them & move on. And now he does too tongue.gif

we have this in common. some guys can deal with it, some can't. i can't stand tiptoeing around or smoothing over issues. i like to get them out and move on from them too.

would you say you are dominant in your relationship boo?

[Boo]

Lol..I'm generally a dominant person & he likes an easy life but I don't dominate him (well only if he asks ) , if that makes sense. He's his own man & can handle himself, I do discuss major things with him but he's happy to have a wife who can handle anything that comes along without needing to discuss it & I like being left to make the decisions. He knows what is expected so there is no shocks & I get my own way. Perfect union .

Some people like their partner to be intricately involved in every small details of the mundane but that would do my head in I think. You just have to find what suits you, but knowing what you want, being able to communicate it & being true to that helps IMO.

[Goinghomesoon]

Ah Boo you described my new hubby - and me! - to a tee. We'll have to ask someone who knows them both if they are alike at all in real life

[Boo]

LOL, have been trying to call that minx for a couple of days now, hopefully will catch her before the weekend, see how they are getting on.

[woonwai]

Great feedback.

Not really sure what to say, except thanks. Has given me some info to chew on.

I know the way things are regading the emotional stuff at the moment is really ..well a bit crap. I also know if things remain stagnent I wont be happy. Trying the subtle approach as much as possible, but if it doesnt work then I will need to have to be clear face to face.

As with Boo, if he considers me important enough to him he will listen (and act on it). If not, as sad as it will make me initially, I know thats not how i want to build on a relationship, and i will need to say goodbye.

Fingers crossed. =]

[Boo]

Best of luck with it woonwai. Hopefully you will find a balance that suits you both.

Oh & just to clarify things about emotions & stuff. We are the least lovie dovey couple ever but we do thigns for each other or joke around to remind each other. Example. He will cook something he knows I like then present me with a plate & say "here, I made this because I love you" (the italic bit is to stress he is making a funny face when he says this) or I will do the washing & say "wow I must really love you to wash your monkies" (undercrackers). It's a joke but also true. I wouldn't wash any other mans pants

Neither of us do the "I love you" bit very often. It isn't our style but we will do the little things for each other that are reminders that we do. We know a couple (UK-UK) who spend all the time doing the "i love you the most, no i love you more routine" in public & it makes us both feel a bit ill to see Hubby also says it is fake, like they are trying to make up for something missing elsewhere to have to be like that, liek they are trying to make face in public, now as I am privvy to some of their martial issues (which I would never discuss with him) he has hit the nail head on, so remember not to compare yourself to others either, you really have to find what suits you both as a couple.

[bina]

boo, how right...

i also dont bother anon with the daily stuff... like i've said before, been there done that, prefer this way.... as for the emotional stuff, yes, about age 2 or age 14 type emotional development... probably because they dont discuss emotional development, emotional intelligence, or analyze things that much. its all very instinctive.

i also think that the non feminist way or the steel magnolia way seems to work better (wait until the weekend, after a good meal, when he's calm, discuss things w/o stress, without a lot of verbal blabla.... betty crocker here i come.i cant believe that i'm writing that but my mom is correct. men in general are more emotionally infantile anyway.....) but really, it does, and i dont really care... i am no longer a fan of deep discussions about feelings, they remind me of staff meetings: lots of hot air and no results.

if the good out ways the bad and u can deal , thats fine if not, then get out... seeing a person at their worst or dealing with their behavior at its worst is the true test. if u dont like them when they are 'bad, then they are horrible' then it isnt worth it. if it bugs u now that he turns off the phone, or closes down, then what will happen when u are living together and u are having money problems and u are both stressed out?

and language is a problem since using and choosing words and translating them might have different connotations... when an israeli says they are 'irritable' it means much more then just irritable. but there isnt really a single english word that accurately describes the feeling of irritiableness... so things get lost in translation. so anon has learned that when i use the word 'irritable' , then i mean.. not just nit noot (thai for irritable) but one of the 'jai' words that means ...so irritable im like a nasty dragon ' type irritable.

there's a good book called heart talk... there, they have very specific thai idioms (written in thai script as well as translieteration and definition) with descriptions that point out exactly (more or less) the meaning of a particular word /mood. i found it invaluable for emotional discussions.

bina

israel

[woonwai]

I really dislike mushy mushy stuff. I personally wouldnt be able to handle a man behaving the way you described your friends lovey dovey-ness Boo. But i occasionally like a sincere expression of love. It doesnt even need to be "i love you". Just something about the way someone looks at you or touches you in which you can really tell they are expressing deep affection. Know what i mean? Maybe sounds silly, but i like to feel that sometimes. Makes me feel appreciated.

Anyway, after expressing my concern and frustration here, I guess it made everything come to a head for me. A moody reaction he had over something small, made my blood boil in a way it didnt do before with him. So much so i had to get on my bicycle and peddle hel_l for leather for an hour to try to wind down in order not to shout at him! When I came back I spoke to him about it and we had a bit of arguement where he also expressed some things that he found frustrating about me too..so was an eye opener and i actually appreciated being told. Later when both of us coolled and had time to reflect we talked together about it more rationally. I REALLY hate confrontation...so was very hard for me, but i knew if i didnt talk it out it would stew inside of me and i would end up feeling resentful. That was yesterday, and alls well. I guess i was worried that he would run for the hills or tell me to get lost if i had a talk like that with him, or the dreaded silent treatment for hours or days even. But, im glad to say its just been an ordinary regular good day.

Time will tell, but i do feel much better having expressed myself. Thanks to all here for the advice given. I really value the imput and the personal stories and experiences.

[Boo]

good for you woonwai, I too like (& need) genuine expressions of affection but my point was that my husband cooking me a special food I like or bringing me home a bar of chocolate is the way he expresses his affection, it shows me he is thinking of me & wants to make me happy & more importantly, I understand that this is his way. He doens't buy flowers, he doesn't sit next to me & hold my hand (unless he wants you know what ) & he does't go all kissy face to me. And that is all ok cause I recognise where his affection does show itself.

I hope this is the start of a new understanding to each other. Good luck.

[Raesum]

Personally I think its just MEN per say... you know, Venus and Mars !!!!!

I prefer the one that goes "Men are from Mars, Women are from Earth". It always gets a bite from the husband.

Yes Boo ,same as you-I just go ahead and do what needs to be attended to and if its worth mentioning then you mention it. If I need a hand to communicate(in my limited Thai) then I ask but otherwise I have a go and more often than not get the required result . I've always been the same-result of lots of travel, backpacking etc and not marrying my "Thai Hero" until in my 30's. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do!!!