Death Of A Baby

[donna]

in september 2007, my niece gave birth to a baby boy. he was born at 28 weeks gestation, due to the fact that my niece had pre-eclampsia, a life threatening condition which pushed her blood pressure up to dangerously high levels, and caused her to puff up like a balloon.

kody spent the first 10 months of his life in hospital and finally came home. he was still on oxygen but was doing well.

to cut a long story short, kody passed away three weeks ago at just 59 weeks of age.

its been an extremely sad time for us, but i guess my emotions are different because i never got to meet kody whilst he was still alive. i was planning on going home at christmas to meet him, and other nieces that i hadnt yet met, but i was too late.

my only time with kody was in the funeral home where i got to stroke his hair, kiss him, pinch his cheeks, and tuck a tiny buddha in his hand that was given to me by a monk in thailand. he looked like an angel sleeping, and this is how i will remember him forever.

kody was a beautiful boy who brought so much happiness to my niece, despite the fact that he required constant care. my niece was a loving mother, and devoted her life to him. her partner is also a lovely man who was as equally devoted to little kody. kody's mum and dad appear to be coping, but i am not sure if they are in shock still, or if they were mentally prepared for this from the beginning.

i know that i may not get any answers to my questions, but is there any way that buddhism 'justifies' such a premature death? i have been trying to tell myself that he was here to teach us certain things, and once that is done, then he leaves us. but is that really true?

all of your thoughts on this will be appreciated, as i am at a loss as to why things like this happen.

[IMA_FARANG]

in september 2007, my niece gave birth to a baby boy. he was born at 28 weeks gestation, due to the fact that my niece had pre-eclampsia, a life threatening condition which pushed her blood pressure up to dangerously high levels, and caused her to puff up like a balloon.

kody spent the first 10 months of his life in hospital and finally came home. he was still on oxygen but was doing well.

to cut a long story short, kody passed away three weeks ago at just 59 weeks of age.

its been an extremely sad time for us, but i guess my emotions are different because i never got to meet kody whilst he was still alive. i was planning on going home at christmas to meet him, and other nieces that i hadnt yet met, but i was too late.

my only time with kody was in the funeral home where i got to stroke his hair, kiss him, pinch his cheeks, and tuck a tiny buddha in his hand that was given to me by a monk in thailand. he looked like an angel sleeping, and this is how i will remember him forever.

kody was a beautiful boy who brought so much happiness to my niece, despite the fact that he required constant care. my niece was a loving mother, and devoted her life to him. her partner is also a lovely man who was as equally devoted to little kody. kody's mum and dad appear to be coping, but i am not sure if they are in shock still, or if they were mentally prepared for this from the beginning.

i know that i may not get any answers to my questions, but is there any way that buddhism 'justifies' such a premature death? i have been trying to tell myself that he was here to teach us certain things, and once that is done, then he leaves us. but is that really true?

all of your thoughts on this will be appreciated, as i am at a loss as to why things like this happen.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Whether you are aware of it or not, each thing has it's own reason.

That sounds hollow perhaps now, but it is true.

A poem from the Vietnamese Buddhist Zen master Man Giac

When spring goes, a hundred flowers wither

when spring comes, the hundred flowers bloom

Things go on, lives pass before our eyes

The childhood fades then old age comes someday

Don't think that as spring ends, all flowers go away

Last night a plum flower blossomed in my garden.

[sabaijai]

Donna, I'm really sorry to hear about Kody's passing. Dealing with the death of someone in our family or extended family is tough.

For many people it's a natural reaction to seek cosmic justification, especially when death comes to someone so young. The Buddhist response varies according on the scope of your investigation, the school of Buddhism you pick, and other 'academic' factors. More importantly, strongly affecting life events such as the death of a loved one bring grief, sorrow, disappointment and anger. They also put to the test our sense of reality, our coping mechanisms, and our beliefs and assumptions.

The most obvious Buddhist response - to the point of cliche - is to say that this was, like all events in our lives, conditioned by karma. In the way that Christians often say that God works in mysterious ways, or that his will is difficult to comprehend, Buddhists may say that the ordinary person can't comprehend the complicated ways in which karma (action) brings vipaka (result).

Considering how complicated karma is, it may not be all that helpful to think of karma in circumstances such as these. One practical Buddhist approach is to accept that there is karma-vipaka here, without trying to sort out exactly what karma is involved in terms of who, when, where, etc, and then move on to the more immediate even-related concerns in the here and now.

Nothing you or anyone else can do can bring back the life that was lost. Thinking about justifications may in fact be a coping mechanism to distract us from our own grief. But the grief returns when our mind aren't occupied with speculative teleology, ie, the end-purpose of events we can't change.

The more immediate situation now is how the death is affecting you and your family and friends, all the sadness and suffering you and they must be going through. One approach to a sorrowful situation is not to try and avoid the grief but to experience it fully. It will pass, as all intense emotions do. There is a lot one can learn about the mind observing the rising and falling of our own emotions, the contours and routes they take, and how we react to our own natural reactions or those of our loved ones. In this awareness and coming to terms with the intensity of emotions we can become strong enough to help others in a similar position.

It's a rare opportunity to take human form, and as you know so intimately, that opportunity can end abruptly, without obvious explanation. As you acknowledge and investigate the strong emotions in yourself and in others, watch how other, more positive, feelings -- compassion, empathy, clarity and resourcefulness -- also arise in difficult times. Experience all with awareness; life goes on.

[donna]

thanks for your comments fellas.

i guess grief takes us through so many different phases, and i am perhaps criss crossing over different stages at the moment.

the compassion, empathy, clarity and resourcefulness have arisen, as you predicted, sabaijai. its been an incredible thing to watch and i have been touched by the actions of others.

im on a bit of a rollercoaster at the moment, but i am not sad all the time. its the same for Kody's mum and dad. they can manage to laugh, and they even sat me down and watched dvd's of Kody's first weeks in hospital! i find that amazing in itself, as im not sure if i could have done that.

thanks again guys. i will check back after the weekend (no access at home at the moment).

[Brucenkhamen]

I'm sorry for your loss.

While the first response is to look for some kind of consolation, perhaps from a religious belief, the reality is this is how life is, life is uncertain.

Any one of us could have an accident or get cancer at any time. It might seems like a waste of a life for someone to die so young but if those left behind develop greater depth and understanding as a result then perhaps not.

The following is how the Buddha taught when someone came to him in the same situation (I think this version is paraphrased but easier to follow than a direct translation);

Krsa Gautami and the Mustard Seed

On day, when the rainy season had ended, Krsa Gautami, the wife of a rich man, was plunged deep into grief by the loss of her only son, a baby boy who had died just when he was old enough to run about.

In her grief Krsa carried the dead child to all her neighbors in Kapilavastu, asking them for medicine. Seeing her, the people shook their heads sadly out of pity.

"Poor woman! She has lost her senses from grief. The boy is beyond the help of medicine."

Unable to accept the fact of her son's death, Krsa then wandered through the streets of the city beseeching for help everyone she met.

"Please, sir," she said to a certain man, "give me medicine that will cure my boy!"

The stranger looked at the child's eyes and saw that the boy was dead. "Alas, I have no medicine for your child," he said, "but I know of a physician who can give what you require."

"Pray tell me, sir, where I can find this physician."

"Go, dear woman, to Sakyamuni, the Buddha, just now residing in Banyan Park."

Krsa went in haste to the Nigrodharama; and she was brought by the monks to Buddha.

"Reverend Lord," she cried, "give me the medicine that will cure my boy!"

Lord Buddha, Ocean of Infinite Compassion, looked upon the grief-stricken mother with pity.

"You have done well to come here for medicine, Krsa Gautami. Go into the city and get a handful of mustard seed." And then the Perfect One added: "The mustard seed must be taken from a house where no one has lost a child, husband, parent, or friend."

"Yes, Lord!" exclaimed Krsa, greatly cheered. "I shall procure the mustard seed at once!"

Poor Krsa then went from house to house with her request; and the people pitied her, saying: "Here is the mustard seed: please take all you want of it."

Then Krsa would ask: "Did a son or daughter, father or mother, die in your family?"

"Alas! The living are few, but the dead are many. Do not remind us of our deepest grief!"

And there was no house but that some relative, some dear one, had died in it.

Weary and with hope gone, Krsa sat down by the wayside, sorrowfully watching the lights of the city as they flickered up and were extinguished again, And at last the deep shadows of night plunged the world into darkness.

Considering the fate of human beings, that their lives flicker up and are extinguished again, the bereft mother suddenly realized that Buddha, in his compassion, had sent her forth to learn the truth.

"How selfish am I in my grief!" she thought. "Death is universal: yet even in this valley of death there is a Path that leads to Deathlessness [for] him who has surrendered all thought of self!"

Putting away the selfishness of her affection for her child, Krsa Gautami went to the edge of a forest and tenderly laid the dead body in a drift of wildflowers.

"Little son," she said, taking the child by the hand, "I thought that death had happened to you alone; but it is not to you alone, it is common to all people."

There she left him; and when dawn brightened the eastern sky, she returned to the Perfect One.

"Krsa Gautami," said the Tathagata, "did you get a handful of mustard seed from a house in which no one has ever lost kith or kin?"

"That, Lord, is now past and gone," she said. "Grant me support."

"Dear girl, the life of mortals in this world is troubled and brief and inseparable from suffering," declared Buddha, "for there is not any means, nor will there ever be, by which those that have been born can avoid dying. All living beings are of such a nature that they must die whether they reach old age or not.

"As early-ripening fruits are in danger of falling, so mortals when born are always in danger of dying. Just as the earthen vessels made by the potter end in shards, so is the life of mortals. Both young and old, both those who are foolish and those who are wise - all fall into the power of death, all are subject to death.

Of those who depart from this life, overcome by death, a father cannot save his son, nor relatives their kinsfolk. While relatives are looking on and lamenting, one by one the mortals are carried off like oxen to the slaughter. People die, and their fate after death will be according to their deeds. Such are the terms of the world.

"Not from weeping nor from grieving will anyone obtain peace of mind. On the contrary, his pain will be all the greater, and he will ruin his health. He will make himself sick and pale; but dead bodies cannot be restored by his lamentation.

"Now that you have heard the Tathagata, Krsa, reject grief, do not allow it to enter your mind. Seeing one dead, know for sure: 'I shall never see him again in this existence.' And just as the fire of a burning house is quenched, so does the contemplative wise person scatter grief's power, expertly, swiftly, even as the wind scatters cotton seed.

"He who seeks peace should pull out the arrow lamentations, useless longings, and the self-made pangs of grief. He who has removed this unwholesome arrow and has calmed himself will obtain peace of mind. Verily, he who has conquered grief will always be free from grief - sane and immune - confident, happy, and close to Nirvana, I say."