Cultural Problems

[SoCal]

I cannot marry her, and cannot commit in that sense, but I love this girl dearly, and want to take care of her and her sisters/mother for the rest of their lives. Therfore, I think by stopping all sexual interaction, but continuing to interact in her life, will eventually give her the message, that I'm serious about being the น้องชาย and not the occasional กิก.

You cannot be serious. Have a saviour complex?

The girl wants a serious relationship with you. Either pursue her or drop her. Don't dangle her on a string.

[freitag1]

My girlfriend knows that I visit such bars. Even though she has never been to one I explained her in detail what goes on there and she is absolutely fine with it. I'm a guy and don't jeopardize mine or her health so I should have fun.

By the way, some good girls don't even know what really goes on in these bars so they might be shocked.

Edited January 15, 2009 by freitag1

[Wildebeest]

She is a women

You are a man

She views the relationship in one way

You view the relationship in another.

She is right

You are wrong

Its no different here than any where else.

You two need to define the relationship and get on the same page.

And another thing, don't practice your Thai in bars, where I did.

As they say now, you speak good Street Thai. So I have learned on some occasions not even to open my mouth.

[AKC]

As a woman, I absolutely agree with

"it sounds like she is a nice girl who has been waiting in the wing for you to finally open your eyes and realise she is worth the long haul/commitment"

It's not easy for women to forget the one she loves once the relationships is broken. 7 months is too short time to leave everything behind and I guess she still in love. For me, I pretended to be my ex's friend for 3 years and half and hope to have a chance but it did not work at all.

Edited January 15, 2009 by AKC

[t.s]

Come Saturday night, she say's to me "I want to go to that bar you went to" , I immediately think baaaad Idea, not for her to discover any of the things I've done (again scouts honor!) but I don't think that's the kind of place this nice girl should go to at all. She insists and we go.

Within minutes she is in tears, and wants to leave, we go back to the appt. She tells me that she never wants to talk, see, think, dream of me again, and that she can absolutely not accept this part of my culture.

Ijustwanna:

Her reaction to seeing what you are capable of despite her presence in your life disillusioned her about you

Quite ... "bad faith" is exactly what it is. Two people perpetuating eachother's inner stories. She requested the visit to the bar, perhaps having subconsciously or even somehat consciously having known for some time she had been self-deluding

She went hoping to be able to preserve her delusion ... deep down, a stronger instinct pushing for her to confront the realities.

"she can absolutely not accept this part of my culture" is a fascinating comment.

I don't know what your culture is but think it is not Thai, yet this '"soft" girlie bar thing & the acceptability of men visiting is Thai (though not only Thai). She is upset by seeing you in these environs, chatting happily with girls from another social stratum because she cannot fulfil that role. At the same time, her Thai social conditioning makes her distance herself from this aspect of "your culture" (you, plus Thai gender roles). She may feel somewhat disconcerted by the attention you gave these girls but desperate let you know she is not such a girl.

This is the traditional Asian way (speaking very generally, of course). The woman you take seriously is wifely, motherly ... it might be somewhat offensive to show much direct sexual interest in her and vice-versa.

Sorry ... not well expressed or elaborated ...not enough time. Hope you can glean something from this, ot that someone else will pick up what I am getting at.

Oh! Forgot to say -- why don't you talk with HER about this? (Once she calms down). Would you say that you two communicate well, on the whole ?

Great reply, and I understand your message. Yes the next step is to talk to her, but the Thai heart needs some time to get itself back togather, and I believe together with ijustwanateach's comment, it's time to make a line. Am I part time lover, or am I the younger brother. I cannot marry her, and cannot commit in that sense, but I love this girl dearly, and want to take care of her and her sisters/mother for the rest of their lives. Therfore, I think by stopping all sexual interaction, but continuing to interact in her life, will eventually give her the message, that I'm serious about being the น้องชาย and not the occasional กิก.

Thanks for your care and comments.

Lithobid.

** Just texted her "How's your heart?" She reply's "Hurts, but still love you" so thanks to all of you, I think it's time I take some real responsability here and to ensure that I am in her life permanently as a friend/adopted family member, the sex needs to stop for good, and a new relationship will form. She really is a good girl, if not I wouldn't care so much. ****

sorry, but what a crock of sh*t.

is this high school? are you 12?

and dont practice your thai with swinging doors, you will be marked for life.

Edited January 16, 2009 by t.s

[Lithobid]

"I cannot marry her, and cannot commit in that sense, but I love this girl dearly, and want to take care of her and her sisters/mother for the rest of their lives. Therfore, I think by stopping all sexual interaction, but continuing to interact in her life, will eventually give her the message, that I'm serious about being the น้องชาย and not the occasional กิก."

"Socal

You cannot be serious. Have a saviour complex?

The girl wants a serious relationship with you. Either pursue her or drop her. Don't dangle her on a string."

I haven't replied to any of the more "harsh" comments, because I get high from ignoring them, but I think you need to rethink your words here. What if you fall in love and marriage isin't possible, and you just want to be part of that persons life, no matter how big or small, as people, I don't ever think we should "drop" eachother. But that's my philosiphy your's must be Christianity I suppose?

Lithobid

[t.s]

"I cannot marry her, and cannot commit in that sense, but I love this girl dearly, and want to take care of her and her sisters/mother for the rest of their lives. Therfore, I think by stopping all sexual interaction, but continuing to interact in her life, will eventually give her the message, that I'm serious about being the น้องชาย and not the occasional กิก."

"Socal

You cannot be serious. Have a saviour complex?

The girl wants a serious relationship with you. Either pursue her or drop her. Don't dangle her on a string."

I haven't replied to any of the more "harsh" comments, because I get high from ignoring them, but I think you need to rethink your words here. What if you fall in love and marriage isin't possible, and you just want to be part of that persons life, no matter how big or small, as people, I don't ever think we should "drop" eachother. But that's my philosiphy your's must be Christianity I suppose?

Lithobid

your philosophy seems more to be self indulgence hidden behind a desire to appear caring and sensitive.

try sincerity.

[Lithobid]

To put an end to all this madness, I get a message last night from her "I wanna see you" I think oh great, she's found a duck farm, and sharpening the knife. The next message "call me after 8:30" whew.... she does want to talk. So I call her and we talk, and I used all the wonderful advice you all have given me, and I believe that you all have helped save one of the most important relationships in my life, and for that I thank you.

I told her that relations had to stop. From now on I am น้องชายเท่านัน her little brother only. We both cried, and told eachother how much we loved eachother, and would miss our previous ways of meeting. Though the best was when I hung up the phone and about five minutes later I get a message. "Thank you to say "no" to me. It's stop me to be a bad woman for friends and family." This finally made me understand that for so long as we had been กิก togather, she was sacrificing her "face" from her friends and family. I am a wiser man now, and will walk a straighter path. Thank you to all who have helped me understand.

Sincerely

Lithobid

[SoCal]

I have no clue as to why you cannot marry, nor why you would feel compelled to support her family, but I tell you that as long as you continue to interact with her, she will hold out hope that you will someday be together.

It's just human nature.

Like to hear it or not, you are keeping her on a string.

[Lithobid]

I have no clue as to why you cannot marry, nor why you would feel compelled to support her family, but I tell you that as long as you continue to interact with her, she will hold out hope that you will someday be together.

It's just human nature.

Like to hear it or not, you are keeping her on a string.

Sure, but that string no longer entails a relationship of passion and sex, now it's going to change to be one to help guide eachother through life. It's a string of the family, and I'm going to be accepted. Sure there's a string, how do you feel about your little brothers and sisters?

Lithobid

[Sabum]

This guy annoys the he11 outta me.

[eek]

I have no clue as to why you cannot marry, nor why you would feel compelled to support her family, but I tell you that as long as you continue to interact with her, she will hold out hope that you will someday be together.

It's just human nature.

Like to hear it or not, you are keeping her on a string.

Im sorry Lithobid, but I have to agree with SoCal here. I really think if you continue interaction, she will undoubtedly be holding out for you. Also, when you do start another intimate relationship, it will be a stinger for her.

You say you feel obligated to help/support her family (not sure why thought, but nice you feel close to them) but, in what way..? Financially? Emotionally? I dont know what the circumstances are as to why you feel compelled to help. Maybe, as you were her first, you feel guilt in some way because you realised later you were not able to commit as a life-partner/husband?

But anyway, if you want to help out financially, you could set up a bank account for he family (which she doesnt need to know about) in which you put in regular money, either for everyday things or emergencies. In that way you dont need to have contact (which is actually better for her). If any family member needs emergency help or support, they can call you.

I really think, for her benefit, you need to step away from her and sever ties. That way she can mourn the loss of you and begin to move on.

[t.s]

This guy annoys the he11 outta me.

saccharine sweet isn't he

[mrtoad]

This guy annoys the he11 outta me.

saccharine sweet isn't he

Yep, he certainly is.

[Patsycat]

Why can't you marry her as you seem to love and respect each other alot? Are you already married in your home country?

I also don't understand why you feel the obligation to become a member of her family. What will happen when you meet someone else (or she does) and want to settle down and start a family. Will you still send money to her family? And end up supporting her husband and kids as well?

A bit baffled, me!!!

[Birdman]

This guy annoys the he11 outta me.

saccharine sweet isn't he

Yep, he certainly is.

here comes the cavalry