Arranged marriage

[Eastender]

I have a friend, a 24 year old girl from Surin.  She's told me that her parents, want her to marry a certain man.  (His parents approached her parents to suggest/plan it)

She also explained that although he's a nice enough guy, and has a good job, she has no attraction for him and doesn't want to marry him.

She then went on to say she would probably marry him in a couple of years.  I quizzed her on this and she said it's because that's what her mother wants and she loves her mother and knows she will be very dissapointed if she doesn't marry this guy.  (Also her mother has cancer which I think is adding to my friends wish not to upset her).

Now I know my friend loves her mother very much, and she says she'd marry purely for love of her mother.  But I wonder if it's more from obligation or a sense of duty that perhaps exists within this society?

I'd like to understand her more so I'd welcome any knowledgable opinions.

[100%abstract]

It is a little difficult for a foreigner to understand the concept of  an arranged marriage.  Actually, it was also practice in the Western World, but you seemed to have forgotten about it all, as it is deemed as old fashion and definitely against your freedom of choice.

I am someone who is for the freedom of choice but being Thai, I can also understand its culture and its value.  Traditionally, family is one of the most important thing in your life.  Children are taught to obey and respect their parents and the elders (something you can hardly find nowaday).  Of course, being a parents does not mean that they always make the right decision but they will take their children's best interests to heart.

Your friend's parents possibly see that this particular man will be able to look after their daughter and will be good enough to keep her reasonably happy.  Your friend, on the other hand, like any asian children, was taught to respect our parents decisions, as we are 'in-debt' to them as our parents.  They were the ones that brought us into this world and cared for us when we were young. Therefore, it is our duty to comply to their wishes.

Of course, things are a little more complicated than that, society, location, education, and mentality of the family also play an important role.

Eventhough I do not agree with arranged marriage but from what I have seen, arranged marriage couple tend to last much longer, perhaps because the couple tend to have to work harder with their relationship.

[Rambutan]

Yes, I understand, but if the mother really loves her, why would she force her to marry someone against her wish?

[Thetyim]

Remember there are NO old age pensions here.

When mum & dad are too old to work they must survive with what their children give them.   This allowance will be coming from the son-in-law,  so the choice of husband for the daughter is very important.

[Eastender]

Thanks 100%. I thought that this was true but wanted to hear it from someone who knows what they're talking about.

And your right, we have forgotten about arranged marriages in our culture, and also a 1000 other things we don't understand when we look at Asian cultures.

And regarding old aged pensions.  When I was talking to the girl again today she also added that her mum thinks the guy would be a useful addition to the family as it looks like he'll have a prosperous future, so I can see the reasoning there.

Inidentally,the guy has now got a different girlfriend which has caused trouble between my friend and her parents. They are very dissapointed that she's shunned this guy and are now phoning her up in tears everyday!

[mowlem]

The other side of the coin is that if her parents don't like you, that's it. Most Thai girls can't go against the wishes of the family.

Also, a female friend was going to meet work colleagues on evening. I was the only one she hadn't "met" after work. It was a birthday drink for someone. Her family wanted to know:

how old I was

how much I earned

what my parents did (I'm 40 years old BTW)

had i gone to university

BEFORE she could go

she is a 28 year old graduate living at home.

Are you starting to understand the differences????

[Rambutan]

^ Lol, funny this  

Sometimes I really start to think it can't be worse than in Thailand.

We foreigners live a lot in our illusions here in the Los. In reality it's like 1700/1800.

[Eastender]

Mowlem.

I know what your talking about.

I have thirty year old female friends whose parents sometimes won't let them go out with friends.