My Sammi Noi Used To Be A Barboy/pro

[Unfaithful]

I already asked a longtime moderator, and he said to give this a try.

I met Sammi in my first month here.I instantly fell in lust with him.He worked in a go-go bar and could be taken off with anybody.I later found what is sposed to be a longterm boyfriend who was not a barboy, and gave it a go.But many times it did not go.I got permission to have uninvolved liasons with other young men, if I did not give them my heart.Soon I found Sammi again.He was as good as ever, better than the live-in boyfriend ever was.This continued for years.I really wanted to take Sammi out of the bar and have him to myself as a second husband.One day on the phone to his Thai friend, the boyfriend refered to Sammi as my second husband.That encouraged me to turn him into an honest, non-commercial sex companion.It worked, for more than a year now.

Now Sammi works with a couple other gay ex-barboys in a karaoke joint where nobody takes them off.I see Sammi a couple times a weeek, which is enough.I sometimes take him to lunch or a snack in public.I do not care if people see us.I wish I could do more for Sammi, but my supplement to his income goes to pay for his disabled father.

What I want to show here is one instance of where I think you can take a sex worker out of the business and he stays out.After they pass their prime, the young men usually have to take other work anyway.I wanted somebody else to rescue him and give him what I have seen a fair number of other boys get.They got a permanent farang lover who even gave them a house and home.I kept thinking somebody else would save Sammi but finally I had to.Do I love him?I think so.I tell him I do.But I cannot leave the other boyfriend.

Am I the only one who ever rescued a young man or woman from the sex trade and it worked out well?I doubt that.

[Jingthing]

After they pass their prime, the young men usually have to take other work anyway.

OK, let us break this down. What usually happens to BB's:

-- they work it awhile and then quit (either don't like it, don't make a living doing it, just not suited to that line of work)

-- work it for a few years and then get drafted into the army and do something else after the army

-- they work it during their prime and then later they transition to other jobs in the same business (waiter, etc.) or take other low level jobs, often in farming back home

-- prison

-- disease and early death

-- "find a farang" or rich Thai sponsor, who is actually for real, in cases where they are not so damaged that they can still take advantage of this opportunity (most of the farangs are not for real and probably most of the bb's are too damaged)

I have a bright and sunny outlook, don't I?

Edited March 14, 2009 by Jingthing

[PeaceBlondie]

Hello, Unfaithful! Long time, no see here.

I am not the mod that Unfaithful asked. But I was asked for an opinion, and agreed to let the story be told. I know this pushes the boundary of our old "no mentioning bargirls/barboys" rule, but we are thinking of relaxing that rule to allow for a few success stories which do not go into gory details like who does what to whom, where, what price, etc. I like this story.

Now that I have heard the rest of the story of Unfaithful and Sammi, I understand why Unfaithful chose the nickname he did. But he did get permission to stray from his regular boyfriend, and is not leaving either man. Sounds like a song title: "Stand by your men."

I can think of several examples of barboys who were rescued from the business by men who fell in love with them. We usually say not to do so, but sometimes it works.

In my novel about the mythical kingdom called Xanta, the hero rescues a Karen girl who is about to be sold as a bargirl. Maybe it is real life to tell about half-decent folks who rescued bar workers after they started into the business. Maybe some ThaiVisa posters did something half-decent.

[Krub]

My first Thai bf was working as a go-go when I first met him. he had been working there for a few months and did not like it.

I 'rescued' him paying for language school and a one year course to learn to cut hair.

We stayed a few years together but decided to split.

He has not gone back to the 'trade' and is working in a hairdressing salon.

We still keep contact from time to time via sms or quick calls when I am in Thailand.

I am glad I did it and it shows that it can be done even without continuing the money support.

[onni4me]

Hmm...here my two cents.

Seeing so many rescues gone wrong, I am not very convinced to recommend it to anyone. All this said, I have personal knowledge about it and the 1st Thai guy ever was not a BB but very close (having many friends from the circles and so on) but we are still friends and sometimes I help him with some finances not worth mentioning. He is still living alone and going now his mid-30s is not very likely to attract many farangs. I mean that he is not that handsome but otherwise quite nice chap. The reason I was attracted was that he made me simply feel good in some areas but very uncomfortable in others like being aggressive, possessive and very jealous. After we decided to quit it's all been okay.

The one thing that makes Thais different is that they have no guilt, maybe some but childlike - it wears off very easily. This makes them unique compared to - let's say - Europeans that have these frustrations about religion, morals, homosexuality and so on, endlessly.

I've seen former BBs returning to 'respectable' trades but in many cases this has significantly lowered their income. After all, many started their 'careers' to bring more to their families.

In most cases they begin with nothing and they end up with nothing. There are some that are successful but that's really the vanishing minority. Their families in most cases have been dirt poor so there is no formal education, no way to proceed in Thai hierarchial system.

Many don't really have any love for their farang BFs and may even have a lady on the side with one or more babies. Those, that are really gay and fall in love are normally advised by their peers NOT to fall in love. The rule of 4 F's (Find them, Fall in love with them, fuc_k them and Forget them) is used in many affairs. This, I feel is unfortunate, since I am one of those who always votes for an happy end - even unlikely one. Romantic, that I am.

[Jingthing]

Back to the OP, I have met one BB who was rescued by a farang. The farang bought him a business and payed for more schooling. This BB was not your typical BB and anyone meeting him could tell that. I lost track of him but just the time knowing him made me feel in some cases BBs can be "rescued" but clearly the odds are against it. This makes sense as each one is an individual.

[PeaceBlondie]

There was this waiter, very gay, that I had a fling with. I thought about adopting him - he was clearly looking for a long term farang. Later he found one, who soon died. But I doubt he was ever a full-fledged go go boy. However, friends tell me that career-wise, sooner or later he pushes the self-destruct button. Another guy - well, maybe five I can think of offhand - went from the bars to LTR's with farang. But they are all gay, even the one with an ex-wife and two kids.

[Ijustwannateach]

Sadly, so many foreigners here (either gay or straight) take the 'easy option' of engaging with those who have already geared themselves to adapt to the foreigners, who are frequently (though not always) prostitutes. This shortchanges them on many fronts. Aside from the obvious drawbacks of making one's primary emotional, social, and sexual relationships attached to someone who is most likely severely damaged from these experiences and probably not endowed with many personal resources to begin with, it means that the foreigners are not forced to adapt to the culture within which they have chosen to live, and thus are not privy to the benefits of the much less limited range of the entire population.

[onni4me]

someone who is most likely severely damaged from these experiences

I would like to hear from someone who knows what this 'severely damaged' means because it sounds like those feminists, who know better than ladies of the trade, what's damaging and what's not. Granted - I think this line of work makes people shrug off their illusions and become more cynical. But whether it's damaging to what degree - don't really buy that.

If someone starts to talk about drugs and drinking heavily - these things are damaging to everyone, not just people of the trade. Social stigmas can be a burden as well but compared to being gay in wrong environment, can't find much difference.

I think that judging people and putting them down with negative expectations is much far damaging than selling ones' body. One thing comes to mind that has caused so many tragedies and suicides amongst gays - healing them with religion!

I believe that Thai guys are not subjected so much to Western patterns and ways of conduct. They may simply fail in their own, no planning, no way to sort their way out of social circles etc. I have found that so many Thais only listen and believe their peers, not farangs even they might have some good advice to share.

To each their own...

Edited March 15, 2009 by onni4me

[Ijustwannateach]

^See JingThing's post above, for example. Otherwise, I admit I am only extrapolating, but I find it hard to see how subordinating the important self-asserting qualities of sexuality to the needs and payments of others can be good for self-esteem.

[neilrob]

All this talk of "rescuing" sounds very Victorian, as though bar boys were fallen women. My experience is that bar boys are all sorts, gay and straight, responsible and irresponsible, genuinely affectionate or entirely self-involved, remarkably nice or remarkably nasty. Which means that it is difficult to generalize about them. I am not at all surprised by the OP's story---I know from experience that there are genuinely nice, responsible people among them. Best wishes for an enduring relationship between Unfaithful (who doesn't sound that unfaithful to me) and his sammi noi.

[onni4me]

All this talk of "rescuing" sounds very Victorian, as though bar boys were fallen women.

Maybe someone should write a modern version book themed 'Great Expectations' or 'Good Intentions' to cover the subject.

I agree that it's very difficult to help anyone if there is no effort on the other side. As a plus comes all the Thai expectations from the family, peers, friends etc. I have given up thinking that I could help becoming sort of a Red Cross. I leave that to others. I am making sacrifices for my Thai family according to my finances - which are not plenty - and will try to better their lives what comes to education and health.

Ignorance is a bliss, sometimes.

[Jingthing]

What do I mean by damaged? OK.

The trade we are talking about:

-- can lead to easy money, and if done long enough can destroy the motivation for someone to go straight and be happy with the normally low income of the Thai lower class and to accept the hard work needed to even manage that

(the same can be said about any people who have been riding a gravy train and then the gravy train stops in any profession)

-- a person doing this for example from 18 to 25 has not developed the education/skills/socialization of a Thai following a straight line of work.

-- can literally cause physical damage and disease (as do other professions)

-- terminal low self esteem, yes it is true that in Thai working class culture this trade is accepted somewhat IF and WHEN the lowness of it is compensated with very large earnings, but without the large earning any status fades, and many such workers if you scratch them will tell you "I am low" "I am dirty" "I am bad"

-- can literally lead to emotional damage/confusion/inner deadening, sex/love/faked love linked so long with instant money payment that a so called "real" relationship can be harder to accomplish, especially if the early stages of the relationship were based on the usual money pattern; in other words a corruption of a persons ability to really love another human being

My impressions only. Those who say Thai culture is so "special" that none of this occurs, I say, enjoy your delusions.

Edited March 16, 2009 by Jingthing