Are Aussies Really So Bad?

[Jai Dee]

A Somali arrives in Perth as he is a new immigrant to Australia..

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, and giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!"

But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am a Pom".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia"

The person says "I no Australian, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Australia"

That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not an Australian!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an Australian?"

She says, "No, I am from Italy!"

So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Australians?"

The Italian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says... "Probably at work!"

[udon]

How true!

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Seconded John

[Jai Dee]

Here is a new visa application and citizenship test from the Australian

Government to protect the nation from terrorists.

Australian Citizenship Test...

How many slabs can you fit in the back of a Falcon Ute while also allowing room for your cattle dog?

When packing an Esky do you put the ice, or the beer, in first?

Is the traditional Aussie Christmas dinner:

1) At least two roasted meats with roast vegetables, followed by a pudding you could use as a cannonball. Also with ham. In 40C heat.

2) A seafood buffet followed by a barbie, with rather a lot of booze and ham. In 40C heat.

3) Both of the above, one at lunchtime and one at dinnertime. Weather continues fine.

How many beers in a slab?

Does "yeah-nah" mean "Yes and no" or "Maybe" or "Yes I understand but No I don't agree"?

The phrases "strewth" and "flamin' dingo" can be attributed to which TV

character?

1) Toadie from Neighbours

2) Alf from Home & Away

3) Agro from Agro's Cartoon Connection

4) Sgt. Tom Croydon from Blue Heelers?

When cooking a barbecue do you turn the sausages

1) Once or twice

2) As often as necessary to cook

3) After each stubby

4) Until they turn to charcoal ?

Name three of the Daddo brothers.

Who was the original lead singer of AC/DC?

Which option describes your ideal summer afternoon:

1) Drinking beer a mate's place

2) Drinking beer at the beach

3) Drinking beer watching the cricket/footy

4) Drinking beer at a mate's place while watching the cricket before going to the beach?

Would you eat pineapple on pizza?

Would you eat egg on a pizza?

How many cans of beer did David Boon consume on a plane trip from Australia to England?

How many stubbies is it from Brissy to the Gold Coast in a Torana travelling at 120km/h?

Who are Scott and Charlene?

How do you apply your tomato sauce to a pie?

1) Squirt and spread with finger

2) Sauce injection straight into the middle?

If the police raided your home would you:

1) Allow them to rummage through your personal items

2) Phone up the nearest talkback radio shock jock and complain

3) Put a written complaint in to John Howard and hope that he answers it personally?

Which Australian Prime Minister held the world record for drinking a Yardie full of beer the fastest?

Have you ever had/do you have a mullet?

Thongs are:

1) Skimpy underwear

2) Casual footwear

3) They're called jandals, bro?

On which Ashes tour did Warney's hair look the best? 1993, 1997, 2001 or 2005?

What someone is more likely to die of.

1) Red Back Spider

2) Great White Shark

3) Victorian Police Officer

4) King Brown Snake

5) Your missus after a big night

6) Dropbear?

How many times must a steak be turned on a conventional four-burner barbie?

Can you sing along to Cold Chisel's Khe Sahn?

Explain both the "follow-on" and "LBW" rules in cricket and discuss the pros and cons for the third umpire decisions in the latter....

Name at least 5 items that must be taken to a BBQ.

Who is current Australian test cricket captain:

1) Ricky Ponting

2) Don Bradman

3) John Howard

4) Makybe Diva?

Is it best to take a sick day on:

1) When the crickets on

2) When the crickets on

3) When the crickets on?

What animal is on the Bundaberg Rum bottle?

What is the difference between a pot and a middy of beer?

What are Budgie smugglers?

Did you cry when Molly died on a Country Practice?

A "Hoppoate" is:

1) A breed of kangaroo

2) A kind of Australian "wedgie"

3) A disgraced Rugby League player?

What does having a 'chunder' mean?

When you were young did you prefer the Hills Hoist over any swing set?

What do the following terms mean:

1) Mate?

2) Maate

3) Maaaaaaate?

What does the terminology 'True Blue' mean?

[Patsycat]

So, where are the answers?!!

[Artisi]

If you're a "true blue","dinky di" you would auotmatically know at least 99% of the answers.

[Jai Dee]

If you're a "true blue","dinky di" you would auotmatically know at least 99% of the answers. 

Got it in one maaaate...

[Patsycat]

Sorry mate, i'm irish...

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Ask someone to explain it to you. S L O W L Y ... very slowly

[Patsycat]

Scuse me, but i am an educated bog wader!! I did get the Kylie and Jason one....

[dr_Pat_Pong]

as one does Strine's a quick too.

[Jai Dee]

The original Australian Mud Map:

[stumonster]

The original Australian Mud Map:

thats a pretty accurate map - it show exactly how to get from weretherfackarewe to three ways..

[Jai Dee]

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old aboriginal.

They were given a word, and then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'.

First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand,

Trekked a lonely caravan

Men on camels two by two

Destination - Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.

The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;

Me and Tim a huntin' went

Met three whores in a pop up tent

They were three, and we was two

So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The aboriginal won!!!!

[udon]

The original Australian Mud Map:

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I've always preferred the map of Tasmania.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

[Jai Dee]

And just because it's that time of year... An Aussie Night Before Christmas...

Twas the night before Christmas;

there wasn’t a sound.

Not a possum was stirring;

No-one was around……….

We’d left on the table

Some tucker and beer,

Hoping that Santa Claus

Soon would be here;

We children were snuggled up safe in our beds,

While dreams of pavlova danced ‘round in our heads;

And Mum in her nightie, and Dad in his shorts,

Had just settled down to watch TV Sports,

When outside the house a mad ruckus arose;

Loud squeaking and banging

Woke us from our doze.

We ran to the screen door,

Peeked cautiously out,

Snuck onto the deck, then let out a shout.

Guess what had woken us up

From our snooze,

But a rusty old ute

Pulled by eight mighty ‘roos.

The cheerful man driving

Was giggling with glee,

And we both knew at once

Who this plump bloke must be!!!!!!

Now, I’m telling the truth – it’s all dinki-di,

Those eight kangaroos fairly soared through the sky.

Santa leaned out the window to pull at the reins,

And encouraged the ‘roos, by calling their names.

‘Now, Kylie! Now, Kirsty!

Now, Shazza and Shane!

On, Kipper! On, Skipper!

On, Bazza and Wayne!

Park up on the water tank,

Grab a quick drink,

I’ll scoot down the gum tree.

Be back in a wink!’

So up to the tank

Those eight kangaroos flew,

With the ute full of toys,

And Santa Clause too.

He slid down the gum tree

And jumped to the ground,

Then in through the window

He sprang with a bound.

He had bright sunburned cheeks

And a milky white beard.

A jolly old joker

Was how he appeared.

He wore red stubby shorts

And old thongs on his feet,

And a hat of deep crimson

As shade from the heat.

His eyes – bright as opals – Oh! How they twinkled!

And, like a goanna, his skin was quite wrinkled!!!!!

His shirt was stretched over

A round bulging belly

Which shook when he moved,

Like a plate full of jelly!!!!

A fat sack of prezzies

He flung from his back,

And he looked like a swaggie

Unfastening his pack.

He spoke not a word,

But bent down on one knee,

To position our goodies

Beneath the Yule tree.

Surfboard and foot-ball shapes for us two,

And for Dad, tongs to use

on the new barbeque.

A mysterious package

he left for our Mum,

Then he turned and he winked

And he held up his thumb;

He strolled out on deck and his ‘roos came on cue;

Flung his sack in the back and prepared to shoot through.

He bellowed out loud as they swooped past the gates –

‘Merry Christmas to all, and goodonya, mates!’

[tuky]

Have a merry Aussie christmas folks, even you Kiwis

[chuchok]

"What do you say to a Aussie bloke with a be-yooooood-i-ful woman on his arm?

Answer: 'Hey, nice tattoo'."

[chuchok]

Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and an Australian rugby fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?

A. Shoot the Australian fan - twice.

Three rugby fans were on their way to a game when one fan noticed a foot protruding from a clump of bushes on the side of the road. They all stopped and discovered it was a nud_e female, dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Springbok fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The All-Black fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Australian fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the springbok cap, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the All-Black cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. The officer then lifted the Australian cap, replaced it, lifted it replaced it, lifted it a third time and replaced it one last time.

The Australian fan was getting upset and finally asked," what are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking lifting and looking?"

Well," said the officer," I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under an Australian hat, I find an @rsehole!"

Eddie Jones takes the Wallabies out for training and tells everyone to assume their normal position. So they all go and stand behind the goalposts and wait for the conversion.

[snoophound]

Fred DAGG.

Great Avatar.

Of course hes pretty much an ocker now

And still bloody funny

Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and an Australian rugby fan.  You have a gun with two bullets.  What do you do?

A. Shoot the Australian fan - twice.

Three rugby fans were on their way to a game when one fan noticed a foot protruding from a clump of bushes on the side of the road.  They all stopped and discovered it was a nud_e female, dead drunk.  Out of respect and propriety, the Springbok fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast.  The All-Black fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast.  Following their lead, the Australian fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection.  First, he lifted up the springbok cap, and wrote down some notes.  Next, he lifted the All-Black cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes.  The officer then lifted the Australian cap, replaced it, lifted it replaced it, lifted it a third time and replaced it one last time.

The Australian fan was getting upset and finally asked," what are you, a pervert or something?  Why do you keep lifting and looking lifting and looking?"

Well," said the officer," I am simply surprised.  Normally when I look under an Australian hat, I find an @rsehole!"

Eddie Jones takes the Wallabies out for training and tells everyone to assume their normal position.  So they all go and stand behind the goalposts and wait for the conversion.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[dr_Pat_Pong]

The original Australian Mud Map:

thats a pretty accurate map - it show exactly how to get from weretherfackarewe to three ways..

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

that is near Ubangi isn't it ?

[LindsayBKK]

Two Kiwi sheep herders are flying the herd to a new farm. Suddenly, the engine fails and the plane begins to fall quickly to the ground. SH1: Quick! Grab a parachute and jump! SH2: What about the sheep?!? SH1: &lt;deleted&gt; the sheep!!!! SH2: (pause) Do you think we have time?

Kiwi Wedding >

[steveromagnino]

Why do the sea gulls fly upside down over Austouylia

because it is not worth s&*ting on

When asked about the immigration of Kiwis to Aussie in the mid 80s, Muldoon replied 'New Zealanders immigrating to Australia raise the IQ of both countries'

Who ate all the pies

Who ate all the pies

ah the memories....how are those Ashes this year me Aussie cobbers?

All in good fun; congrats on the Seedney Hobart in ya copy boat. well down wild oats...

[Guest endure]

If you're a "true blue","dinky di" you would auotmatically know at least 99% of the answers. 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Got it in one maaaate...

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I was a 10 quid kid and I do remember the Hills Hoist in the yard.

[udon]

Why do the sea gulls fly upside down over Austouylia

because it is not worth s&*ting on

When asked about the immigration of Kiwis to Aussie in the mid 80s, Muldoon replied 'New Zealanders immigrating to Australia raise the IQ of both countries'

Who ate all the pies

Who ate all the pies

ah the memories....how are those Ashes this year me Aussie cobbers?

All in good fun; congrats on the Seedney Hobart in ya copy boat.  well down wild oats...  

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Do you have the foggiest idea how many Ozmates are Mods here?

[Guest endure]

Why do the sea gulls fly upside down over Austouylia

because it is not worth s&*ting on

When asked about the immigration of Kiwis to Aussie in the mid 80s, Muldoon replied 'New Zealanders immigrating to Australia raise the IQ of both countries'

Who ate all the pies

Who ate all the pies

ah the memories....how are those Ashes this year me Aussie cobbers?

All in good fun; congrats on the Seedney Hobart in ya copy boat.  well down wild oats...  

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Do you have the foggiest idea how many Ozmates are Mods here?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

You're not implying that the Mod Team (peace be upon them) are anything other than completely impartial are you Master?

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Why do the sea gulls fly upside down over Austouylia

because it is not worth s&*ting on

When asked about the immigration of Kiwis to Aussie in the mid 80s, Muldoon replied 'New Zealanders immigrating to Australia raise the IQ of both countries'

Who ate all the pies

Who ate all the pies

ah the memories....how are those Ashes this year me Aussie cobbers?

All in good fun; congrats on the Seedney Hobart in ya copy boat.  well down wild oats...  

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Do you have the foggiest idea how many Ozmates are Mods here?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

You're not implying that the Mod Team (peace be upon them) are anything other than completely impartial are you Master?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Jeez ... I'm not.

[Artisi]

Why do the sea gulls fly upside down over Austouylia

because it is not worth s&*ting on

When asked about the immigration of Kiwis to Aussie in the mid 80s, Muldoon replied 'New Zealanders immigrating to Australia raise the IQ of both countries'

Who ate all the pies

Who ate all the pies

ah the memories....how are those Ashes this year me Aussie cobbers?

All in good fun; congrats on the Seedney Hobart in ya copy boat.  well down wild oats...  

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Do you have the foggiest idea how many Ozmates are Mods here?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

You're not implying that the Mod Team (peace be upon them) are anything other than completely impartial are you Master?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Jeez ... I'm not.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

But they make allowances for our poor sheep loving NZ cousins.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

We give the sheep shaggers a leg up.