Are Aussies Really So Bad?

[tuky]

Brilliant...Where can I get some Rohypnol then....  

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The only problem is you never remeber it in the morning

video camera any of you Sinnysiders?

[bodypaul]

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Brilliant tuky

[udon]

from jai dee:

A Diary of a Pom moving to Darwin.....

You could change Darwin to Bangkok anytime.

A brilliant piece, thanks.

Where did you find it?

[dr_Pat_Pong]

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Brilliant tuky

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Took himself in hand eh ?

[Jai Dee]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "Hey, good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"

New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

The New Zealander is shocked!

Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?" pointing at the New Zealander.

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

The New Zealander can't believe his ears!

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

New Zealander: "Horse doesn't talk either."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "No worries."

The New Zealander's mouth is agape.

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" pointing at the New Zealander?

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

The New Zealander is TOTALLY amazed!

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar."

[chuchok]

An Australian Love Poem

Of course I love ya darling

You're a bloody top notch bird

And when I say you're gorgeous

I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side

I don't mind a bit of flab

It means that when I'm ready

There's somethin there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more

I tell ya, I don't care

So long as when I cuddle ya

I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age

Has nice round perky breasts

They just gave in to gravity

But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin ya the truth now

I never tell ya lies

I think its very sexy

That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now

The moment that we met

I thought u was as good as

I Was ever gonna get

No matter wot u look like

I'll always love ya dear

Now &lt;deleted&gt; up while the footy's on

And fetch another beer!

[Jai Dee]

An Australian Love Poem..........

Classic!!!

At we can laugh at ourselves hey?

[chuchok]

What's the difference between Aussies and pigs?

Pigs don't turn into Aussies when they drink.

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What's the difference between an Australian and a computer?

You only have to punch information into a computer once.

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Why do birds fly upside down over Australia?

It's not worth shitting on.

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Why was the Christ child not born in Australia?

You'd have a job finding three wise men, much less a virgin!!!

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What do you call a field full of Australians?

A vacant lot.

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An Englishman, an Irishman, an Australian and a New Zealander were in a plane, getting ready to make their first parachute jump.

The Englishman's exit was spectacular; he leapt out of the plane with the cry, " I am doing this for my country....."

The Irishman leapt out immediately afterwards, calling out the same words.

Then the New Zealanders ripped the parachute off the Australian, pushed him out the plane and cried" I'm doing this for my country....."

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Most Australians aren't too good at history. For example, they think Gandhi's first name was Goosey Goosey.

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How do you define 144 Australians?

Gross stupidity.

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The Aussie pilot, when asked for his height and position, replied, "I'm 5'11" and sitting in the front seat."

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What do you call an Aussie who scores well in an IQ test?

A cheat.

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An Aussie is proof that God has a sense of humour.

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What do you call an Aussie with half a brain?

Gifted

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If Santa Claus, a smart Aussie and a dumb blonde were in a room, and you tossed in a hundred dollar note, who would grab it first?

The blonde - the other two don't exist.

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How many Aussies does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

Ten. One to make the batter, and nine to peel the Smarties.

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What should you do if an Aussie throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

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Did you hear about the Aussie who had a brain transplant?

The brain rejected him a week later.

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What's the difference between yoghurt and Australians?

At least yoghurt starts with a little culture.

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What does an Australian girl use for protection during sex?

A bus shelter.

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Newsflash! Paul Keating's library burned down at the weekend and two books were destroyed! The real tragedy was that he hadn't finished colouring in one of them.

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There's a Japanese firm that has developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can actually catch an Aussie with his mouth shut

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An Australian is someone who thinks that the three major political parties in Australia are Labour, Liberal and Cocktail.

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Did you know that New Zealanders who emigrate to Australia raise the average IQ of both countries?

[tuky]

Kiwi, sheep & dog

A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a desert island and after being there for a while they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and lo, and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Kiwi had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening: red cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon the New Zealander started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

[tuky]

A few years ago, two Aussies boarded a flight out of London after the Rugby World Cup.

One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a Kiwi got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Aussies .

After take-off, the Kiwi kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Aussie in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a beer."

“No problem," said the Kiwi , "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the Aussies picked up the Kiwi 's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Aussie said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Kiwi obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other Aussie picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Kiwi returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Kiwi slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

“How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in beers?"

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Nice Leith

[udon]

Nice Leith 

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Strewth, you're up early Horatio!

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Nice Leith 

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Strewth, you're up early Horatio!

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Needed a twinkle John. Going back to bye byes soon

[aaaaaa]

.... spitting in shoes and pissing in beers?"

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that was a good one - LMAO !~

looks like both sides have unlimited resourses....

BTW - may be yankees and brits could start similar contest for amusement of whole comunity ? or who else - french and italians? surely there is lot of fun out there ....

[chuchok]

.... spitting in shoes and pissing in beers?"

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that was a good one - LMAO !~

looks like both sides have unlimited resourses....

BTW - may be yankees and brits could start similar contest for amusement of whole comunity ? or who else - french and italians? surely there is lot of fun out there ....

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Wouldn't work as well...Poms nd Yanks don't have anything like ANZAC day...or do they?

NZ/Aussie rivalry was summed up by an old bugger that I knew.During WWII Ausies and Kiwis were always fighting against each other when they were on their R and R...except when either an Ausies or kiwi was scrapping against the Poms or Yanks .Then they would always help each other out and join in togeather to help each other out!!

Edited February 25, 2005 by chuchok

[Jai Dee]

Aussie customs...

A man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

He buys a small piece of land in the country.

A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region.

So he goes next door, but on his way up the drive-way, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt this "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it.

Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the cow's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, "What the &lt;deleted&gt; is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today, you have your head so close to that cow's bum, it could just about shit on you."

The Chinese man is very taken back and says, "Sorry Sir, you do not understand, these aren't Chinese customs I am performing, but Australian customs."

"What do you mean mate", says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."

"Yes they are", replied the Chinese man, "for you see, in order for me to become a true Australian, I must Chase Chicks, Drink Piss, and listen to Bull-shit......"

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Aussie customs...

A man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

He buys a small piece of land in the country.

A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region.

So he goes next door, but on his way up the drive-way, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt this "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it.

Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the cow's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, "What the &lt;deleted&gt; is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today, you have your head so close to that cow's bum, it could just about shit on you."

The Chinese man is very taken back and says, "Sorry Sir, you do not understand, these aren't Chinese customs I am performing, but Australian customs."

"What do you mean mate", says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."

"Yes they are", replied the Chinese man, "for you see, in order for me to become a true Australian, I must Chase Chicks, Drink Piss, and listen to Bull-shit......"

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[Axel]

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I second that:

[Jai Dee]

And another one...

Australian Girls

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Albania, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Thailand. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

Got to love them Australian girls!

[CHOPTHAI]

And another one...

Australian Girls

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Albania, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Thailand. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes, and the cooking.  He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better.  By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

Got to love them Australian girls!

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Wow, Aussie girls are "karate kids" too! Luckily I did not marry anyone from down under when I was studying in Newcastle, OzLand. Jai Dee's advice might have arrived 25 years too late for me to change my mind! Waltzing Matilda, waltzing matilda...you cum a waltzing maltida with me....

Anyway LOL good joke.

[Nat]

Wow, Aussie girls are "karate kids" too! Luckily I did not marry anyone from down under when I was studying in Newcastle, OzLand.

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We become nicer the further south you go .

[TizMe]

We become nicer the further south you go    .

These folks down in antarctic must be real nice fellers then Nat.

[Jai Dee]

[dr_Pat_Pong]

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Love it

[chuchok]

Love it

[right-->

QUOTE(Jai Dee @ 2005-04-22 12:24:26

Love it

[right)

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And just to ruin your day gentlemen, xxxx is owned by a kiwi brewery.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

We know that

[Jai Dee]

Three men are sitting in the maternity ward of a hospital waiting for the imminent birth of their respective children.

One is an Australian, one a New Zealander and the other a West Indian. They are all very nervous and pacing the floor - as you do in these situations.

All of a sudden the doctor bursts through the double doors saying, "Gentlemen you won't believe this but your wives have all had their babies within 5 minutes of each other."

The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy.

"And", said the doctor, "they have all had little boys." The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over and over.

"However we do have one slight problem," the doctor said. "In all the confusion we may have mixed the babies up getting them to the nursery and would be grateful if you could join us there to try and help identify them."

With that, the Aussie raced passed the doctor and bolted to the nursery.

Once inside he picked up a dark skinned infant with dreadlocks saying, "there's no doubt about it, this boy is mine!"

The doctor looked bewildered and said, "Well sir of all the babies I would have thought that maybe this child could be of West Indian descent."

"That's a maybe", said the Aussie, "but one of the other two is a &lt;deleted&gt; Kiwi and I'm not taking the risk."

[chuchok]

Three men are sitting in the maternity ward of a hospital waiting for the imminent birth of their respective children.

One is an Australian, one a New Zealander and the other a West Indian. They are all very nervous and pacing the floor - as you do in these situations.

All of a sudden the doctor bursts through the double doors saying, "Gentlemen you won't believe this but your wives have all had their babies within 5 minutes of each other."

The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy.

"And", said the doctor, "they have all had little boys." The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over and over.

"However we do have one slight problem," the doctor said. "In all the confusion we may have mixed the babies up getting them to the nursery and would be grateful if you could join us there to try and help identify them."

With that, the Aussie raced passed the doctor and bolted to the nursery.

Once inside he picked up a dark skinned infant with dreadlocks saying, "there's no doubt about it, this boy is mine!"

The doctor looked bewildered and said, "Well sir of all the babies I would have thought that maybe this child could be of West Indian descent."

"That's a maybe", said the Aussie, "but one of the other two is a &lt;deleted&gt; Kiwi and I'm not taking the risk."

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[Jai Dee]

An Aussie was sitting with an Kiwi and a Indian in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden, Saudi police entered and arrested them.

They were initially sentenced to death but they contested this and were finally imprisoned for life. But, as it was a national holiday, the Sheikh decided they should be released after receiving 20 lashes of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said:

"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

So the Indian guy thought for a while and then said: "Please be tieing a pillow to my back."

This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.

The Kiwi, watching the scene, said: "Please fix two pillows on my back".

But even two pillows could only take 10 lashes before the whip went through again.

Before The Aussie could say something, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "As you are from a popular country, and your Cricket team are terrific, and your women beautiful you can have two wishes!".

"Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The Aussie replies.

"My first wish is: " I would like to have 40 lashes."

"If you so desire", the Sheik replies with a questioning look on his face, "and your second wish?"

"Tie the Kiwi to my back", the Aussie answers.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Three men are sitting in the maternity ward of a hospital waiting for the imminent birth of their respective children.

One is an Australian, one a New Zealander and the other a West Indian. They are all very nervous and pacing the floor - as you do in these situations.

All of a sudden the doctor bursts through the double doors saying, "Gentlemen you won't believe this but your wives have all had their babies within 5 minutes of each other."

The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy.

"And", said the doctor, "they have all had little boys." The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over and over.

"However we do have one slight problem," the doctor said. "In all the confusion we may have mixed the babies up getting them to the nursery and would be grateful if you could join us there to try and help identify them."

With that, the Aussie raced passed the doctor and bolted to the nursery.

Once inside he picked up a dark skinned infant with dreadlocks saying, "there's no doubt about it, this boy is mine!"

The doctor looked bewildered and said, "Well sir of all the babies I would have thought that maybe this child could be of West Indian descent."

"That's a maybe", said the Aussie, "but one of the other two is a &lt;deleted&gt; Kiwi and I'm not taking the risk."

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