Are Aussies Really So Bad?

[dr_Pat_Pong]

FRANK was visiting Durban, South Africa from Australia recently... an innocent tourist abroad, when he just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time... This is his story.

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer tent when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. What else could a good Aussie bloke do ?"

These are the scorecards from the event:

Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy Shit, what the hel_l is this stuff? This could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Indian blokes are crazy.

Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children ! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry ! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: For God's sake ! Call Lucas Heights ~ I've located a uranium spill! My nose feels like I have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Curry # 4: Barba’s Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed hospital treatment. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shat myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Savathree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my @rse with a snow cone!

Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as his language is being very foul.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a d@mn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Bugger it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Aussie, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?

FRANK: ...........................( No entry recorded ).

[Chopper]

Just received this by email; had me laughing!

[Chopper]

Either been on the Grog too much or I am seeing double!

[tuky]

Stop being mean to Aussies, Kiwis told

From correspondents in Auckland

March 05, 2007 12:19pm

WHILE New Zealanders may have had just cause to taunt their trans-Tasman counterparts over underarm bowling and Phar Lap's origins, enough is enough, say New Zealand tourism authorities

A new marketing campaign has been launched to get New Zealanders to be more friendly to Australian tourists and to tone down their insults.

Tourism New Zealand chief George Hickton said the taunts had not shown up in surveys as a major issue, but he thought they could go too far.

"We rib each other, there is no doubt about it. We know no one wants to get ribbing the whole time," Mr Hickton said.

"I have heard it (taunts) said and thought people should back off," he said.

The New Zealand Herald newspaper has dubbed the campaign "Be-Nice-to-Australians month".

But it is no laughing matter for tour operators.

Australia is New Zealand's biggest tourism market, with 900,000 visitors a year, and a drop in numbers would hurt business.

Mr Hickton said the aim of the new campaign, which kicked off about a week ago with TV ads in Australia, was to encourage Australians to visit New Zealand at all times of the year.

He said many Australians still thought of New Zealand as a sleepy place for much of the time, but it had world-class dining, festivals and wines.

The campaign suggested Australians should feel right at home in New Zealand at this time of the year because the country's South island was pretty much "green and gold" itself.

[Jai Dee]

I'm not sure if this one's been posted before...

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet,- replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a large land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's Australia, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, stream and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high- achieving, and they will be throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable cricket and rugby players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then "You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the ugly, whining, sheep rooting, Kiwi bastards I'm putting next to them".

[Crow Boy]

I'm not sure if this one's been posted before...

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the ugly, whining, sheep rooting, Kiwi bastards I'm putting next to them".

Now that has everything that's needed to be a good joke - humour, a twist, an sense of balance, and a chance to stick it to the Kiwis

Good one Jai Dee

CB

[peter991]

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Love it

[Artisi]

Bloody ripper - should be more of it.

[Crow Boy]

It is with this sort of ingenuity that we the proud people of Oz show why we are at the forefront of civilisation

If it was in NZ he would have had a for sale sign in the back window with his name and phone number

Goooood on Maaaate

CB

[Jai Dee]

While travelling recently to the Great Wall of China our Beijing tour guide was puzzled.

She cannot understand why all the Australian tourists ask how many rabbits they are going to see at the Wall.

[chuchok]

Stop being mean to Aussies, Kiwis told

It's bloody hard not to really....

[dr_Pat_Pong]

While travelling recently to the Great Wall of China our Beijing tour guide was puzzled.

She cannot understand why all the Australian tourists ask how many rabbits they are going to see at the Wall.

Emperor Nasi wasn't it ?

[Jai Dee]

[Wellyoudidask]

This is a joke forum right ? ,Well ere goes,. Three men one English,one Italian, and.. an Aussie ! in a pattaya bar duscussing making love to their wives,.,. The engligh guy says, we have a great sex life, i get home about 2am wake her up with a chang beer,then we make love for at least. ohh 20 minutes ,when i look at her on the bed after she is hovering on the bed in estacy,.( this said in an italian accent ) italian guy says, theese is nothing, i get in about 3am with a bottle of wine from tops ,wake her up and we drink wine together ,then we make love for about 2 hours, when we finish i look at my wife and she is actually floating a foot above the bed in pure heaven !,,. So now the aussie pipes up./ Thats fack all mates, i get in about 6, wake the old bag up,roll her over, whack one up the gary glitter, im done in 5 minutes,. i get up wipe me dlick in the curtains and she hits the facking roof !!

Edited May 3, 2007 by Jai Dee

[Wellyoudidask]

AUSTRALIAN BIRD ,.

Edited May 3, 2007 by Jai Dee

[Nignoy]

Any truth in the Rumour Shane Warne is the father of these Triplets Nignoy

[Wellyoudidask]

Kiwi walked ito a bar with a parrot on his shoulder, barman says ,where do get him from ? parrot sats, started off as wart on me foot !

[Wellyoudidask]

Driving examiner on a test says to kiwi woman " what was the last road sign you saw ,kiwi broad replies" ,pick your own strawberries ? "

[Wellyoudidask]

A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne, Australia

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

[Wellyoudidask]

The Queen visits Australia

Part 2 - Queen hits 738 in backyard cricket match

Newcastle, February: A backyard cricket game turned into a beer-fuelled slog-a-thon when the Queen smashed a massive 738 runs in a marathon 19 hour innings that neighbours described as "bloody noisy".

The Queen took to the crease shortly after her 4th beer at 8am, and batted through until 3am the following morning showing form that onlookers likened to "a pissed Bradman". The backyard, littered with empty VB cans, came into it's own midway through the afternoon with the introduction of the "Hit a can, Skull a can" rule. But the extra alcohol did not dent the Queen's concentration, says Johnno: "The more she drank the straighter she played. The beer just made her better."

Johnno, who had smoked cones in the afternoon drinks break, admitted to not helping the cause by bowling 47 wides in a single over.

The match, extended into the night by backyard floodlights, finally ended in controversial circumstances when Johnno, unable to locate the ball, bowled the sack from a wine cask and took out middle stump. David Boon described the innings as "<deleted> tops".

ANYONE FOR CRICKET ?

[Wellyoudidask]

I quite like the aussies. When I went on holiday in Bali I had quite alot of fun with the aussie males when I went clubbing. It was great.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

They're alright to go clubbing and having fun with..... but at the end of the night I'll bet the small penis was a bit of a let down...

totster

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Lol. I didn't go that far I was having too much fun playing with them in the dance floor.

Yea we beleive you

[Wellyoudidask]

I quite like the aussies. When I went on holiday in Bali I had quite alot of fun with the aussie males when I went clubbing. It was great.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

They're alright to go clubbing and having fun with..... but at the end of the night I'll bet the small penis was a bit of a let down...

totster

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Lol. I didn't go that far I was having too much fun playing with them in the dance floor.

Yea we beleive you

An Aussie and a Kiwi walking through trafalger square in london,loads of pidgeons flying about as usual, aussie says to the kiwi " ere wot would you do if a bird shit on your ead " .kiwi replies " i wouldnt fackin see her again ! "

[Jai Dee]

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some time ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service.

A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to fly QANTAS for that service."

[peter991]

One for the New Zealanders

Horror sheep run rampant

"It's the completely unfounded and irrational fear that one day this was going to happen," according to Henry, the lead character in the New Zealand horror film Black Sheep.

By "this" he means some of New Zealand's millions of sheep becoming psychotic and turning on farmers.

Black Sheep is the first film written and directed by New Zealander Jonathan King and, since its release in March, it has become the country's highest grossing horror movie.

Helping to round up the punters is the movie's poster tag-line: "There are 40 million sheep in New Zealand - and they're pissed off."

For low-budget horror movie buffs, the film may be described as Shaun of the Dead meets Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.

The film centres around the character Henry (Nathan Meister) who as a child developed a fear of sheep - ovinophobia - following the death of his father.

Henry goes back to the farm he grew up on years later to discover his brother Angus (Peter Feeney) has been genetically modifying sheep, blending them with human DNA.

Environmental activists Experience (Danielle Mason) and Grant (Oliver Driver) try to find out what is happening and, as they say, all hel_l breaks loose.

King says the film took about three years to make from when he began writing the script, and cost well under $NZ10 million ($A9 million).

"I love films that transport you somewhere else and give you a different experience from real life. Those are the films I love going to, and want to make," he says.

Black Sheep is his first attempt at feature film-making, after earlier efforts with short films, music videos and television commercials.

"It just popped into my head. There is no story of childhood trauma on a farm. I should make one up," he says of his inspiration.

The film shows New Zealanders are not afraid to poke fun at themselves.

Well-known jokes about Kiwis' fondness for sheep are confirmed, with a cringe-worthy sheep-human sex scene.

"That had to be in there," says King.

"Those jokes are always there. They are always in the consciousness. Whenever we go overseas people make those jokes to us ... so why not take that and put it in a film and have fun with it."

Special effects for the film were created by New Zealand's Weta Workshop, which handled the effects in the Lord Of The Rings trilogy and King Kong.

Since Black Sheep premiered at the 2006 Toronto Film Festival it has won the Audience and Special Jury prizes at France's Gerardmer Film Festival and two Silver Ravens at the Brussels International Festival of Fantastic Film.

King has other movies on the way.

A film he co-wrote with Matthew Grainger, The Tattooist, will be released later this year and he is working on another project intended to be a science-fiction film for younger viewers.

The date for Black Sheep's Australian release has not been finalised, but it will begin screening in the United States in June.

Peter

Edited May 6, 2007 by peter991

[Jai Dee]

The Crackatinnie Tribe...

[Jai Dee]

A retired gentleman went to Centrelink Office to apply for the Age Pension.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." he said.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Age Pension application.

When he returned home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Centrelink office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have got the Disability Pension, too."

[Chopper]

Aussies seem to have their priorities right when it comes to getting a beer.

ThingsMenWillDoForAColdBeer.wmv

[Chopper]

A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne, Australia.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Aussie handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

[Jai Dee]

A dingo stole my baby...