Do You Think It's Possible To Burnout?

[ukme]

I am in a LTR with a Thai lady in the UK. I am eary 30's, she is late 30's. We have been together for about 7 years. Her friends are all Thai, with whom she communicates in her native tongue. She pretty much only speaks English with me.

She did a very basic English language course when she first came to the Uk.

At first the communication problems were fun/funny, but as time has gone by it has become out and out frustrating, at least for me.

Constantly trying to "find" the right way to say something, the way she understands it, before I say it, has exhausted me.

I am trying to encourage her to get some tuition but she seems disinterested and would rather watch Thai VCD's and eat Pappaya Salad.

Any similar experiences?

[ukme]

Maybe I should learn more thai?

[NanLaew]

^ Good idea! If you make a reasonable effort at this and she still plays dumb as a post, then maybe your LTR is not all that you hope it will be. Of course, you will need to 'test' your Thai on other Thai's as well as her and invariably they will compliment you on your skills which is NOT to be confused with actually being intelligible, rather they respect your efforts to learn and speak it.

[rolypie]

You are not the only one mate my wifes thai friends practically refuse to speak any English once they arrived in the uk and just sit in each others houses eating the pap salad ( not allowed in our house <deleted> stinks ) and not really having anything to do with us brits. I on the other hand am not suffering from this, my wife goes everywhere with me so speaks English pretty much all of the time now apart from when shes teaching me thai that is. Try doing a little more socialising away from the thai click.

[Sabum]

Maybe I should learn more thai?

Maybe you should choose your partners more carefully? Lets say you learned how to speak Thai completely fluently... guess what brainiac, she will still only want to talk about food and will still constantly want to watch Thai vcds and eat pappaya salad.

[sanook2me]

I am in a LTR with a Thai lady in the UK. I am eary 30's, she is late 30's. We have been together for about 7 years. Her friends are all Thai, with whom she communicates in her native tongue. She pretty much only speaks English with me.

She did a very basic English language course when she first came to the Uk.

At first the communication problems were fun/funny, but as time has gone by it has become out and out frustrating, at least for me.

Constantly trying to "find" the right way to say something, the way she understands it, before I say it, has exhausted me.

I am trying to encourage her to get some tuition but she seems disinterested and would rather watch Thai VCD's and eat Pappaya Salad.

Any similar experiences?

Explain to her that she needs to work living in the UK and these are her options this should motivate her.

But honestly did you not discuss these things before you took her there, which seems a tad stupid and naive.

no English - wiping @rses in a nursing home

English - stacking shelves in Tesco

then tell her "upto you"

[kiakaha]

learn to speak thai :

here some benefits outside of thailand:

1) you'll be able to communicate with you partner...and the rest of the thai reading,writing,speaking population world wide.

2) you'll be able to listen to what she's saying to her friends/family

3) you'll be able to read all the local thai gossip/hints/tips/promotions in the local circulars, message board postings

4) all the riff raff of the local thai communuty will stay clear of you(cos your lang skills can out their hidden agendas) and you'll just attract decent, honest thais who genuinely respect your language skills

5) you'll be able to pretend you dont know thai, and pick up on all sorts of useful information around thai speakers

etc...

[Jimjim]

Yes, you can burnout. As not everyone wants to improve their foreign language skills, and it very well may be true that your lady will not make stronger efforts to learn English any better, it's vital that you start learning Thai, and learning it well. Why should she be the one to learn your language. It seems many seem to take this attitude as if learning Thai for your woman is not even an option. It's a bit of a selfish stance in my opinion, but also quite understandable if you had this view or just didn't even think of learning her language as you're not in Thailand. I see you mentioned you should learn Thai but only as a joke. Why a joke? Learning a new language is rewarding for all its challenges, and if it helps your relationship in the long run, what's the harm? Only laziness and a mental block attitude of "I can't learn a non-latin language that might have well have come from outer space, " will stop you.

I suggest using a Pimsleur course. Check Amazon online for the 30-lesson course. It will help immensely. Other options I have heard are good are linguaphone (sp?), etc.

[sanook2me]

Yes, you can burnout. As not everyone wants to improve their foreign language skills, and it very well may be true that your lady will not make stronger efforts to learn English any better, it's vital that you start learning Thai, and learning it well. Why should she be the one to learn your language. It seems many seem to take this attitude as if learning Thai for your woman is not even an option. It's a bit of a selfish stance in my opinion, but also quite understandable if you had this view or just didn't even think of learning her language as you're not in Thailand. I see you mentioned you should learn Thai but only as a joke. Why a joke? Learning a new language is rewarding for all its challenges, and if it helps your relationship in the long run, what's the harm? Only laziness and a mental block attitude of "I can't learn a non-latin language that might have well have come from outer space, " will stop you.

I suggest using a Pimsleur course. Check Amazon online for the 30-lesson course. It will help immensely. Other options I have heard are good are linguaphone (sp?), etc.

I've got linguaphone and if its still the same story of Tom Brown flirting with his Thai secretary Oy but really going to Pattaya for other things - its very dated and you can spend your money upto date Thai/English courses books. I've had the course for over 8 years and still got 3 tapes to play the last 6 chapters still cellophaned from the factory

[Jimjim]

Well, Pimsleur starts out as how to chat to a girl in a bar and how to ask her out to eat, but the method is fantastic and it really helped me, and once you get in deeper you get a lot of really useful conversational Thai.

[BigSnake]

A Thai lady in the UK for seven years sure be well school in the day to day english conversation, I thihk your/her problem as you stated, "all Thai friends, speak in Native Thai" which is a ok, however; she should have many native english UK ladies to chat with, not perfect but bet it would have, it work for us.

[webfact]

Try to stay/live within a Thai community and not in a Foreign Ghetto. I know this sounds easy but it has worked very well not only for me.

You don't have to move to i.e. Isarn but I doubt you can learn Thai well if you stay in a super serviced apartment (on Sukhumvit or any other Farang Ghetto road) where the staff want

to learn English from you because they all want "go to Amelighaa".

[dave111223]

Try to stay/live within a Thai community and not in a Foreign Ghetto. I know this sounds easy but it has worked very well not only for me.

You don't have to move to i.e. Isarn but I doubt you can learn Thai well if you stay in a super serviced apartment (on Sukhumvit or any other Farang Ghetto road) where the staff want

to learn English from you because they all want "go to Amelighaa".

He said he lives in the UK.

As others have said try to learn some Thai. Buy some books or CDs and make a go of it. Atleast it will show her you're willing to make an enough and maybe she will be willing to make more of an enough with the English too.

But if you don't know any Thai it seems kind of hypocritical trying to get her to learn English.

[webfact]

Try to stay/live within a Thai community and not in a Foreign Ghetto. I know this sounds easy but it has worked very well not only for me.

You don't have to move to i.e. Isarn but I doubt you can learn Thai well if you stay in a super serviced apartment (on Sukhumvit or any other Farang Ghetto road) where the staff want

to learn English from you because they all want "go to Amelighaa".

He said he lives in the UK.

As others have said try to learn some Thai. Buy some books or CDs and make a go of it. Atleast it will show her you're willing to make an enough and maybe she will be willing to make more of an enough with the English too.

But if you don't know any Thai it seems kind of hypocritical trying to get her to learn English.

I'll second that. He should at least show her his try to learn some Thai but I trust it ain't easy within an English speaking environment.

[jetjock]

I am in a LTR with a Thai lady in the UK. I am eary 30's, she is late 30's. We have been together for about 7 years. Her friends are all Thai, with whom she communicates in her native tongue. She pretty much only speaks English with me.

She did a very basic English language course when she first came to the Uk.

At first the communication problems were fun/funny, but as time has gone by it has become out and out frustrating, at least for me.

Constantly trying to "find" the right way to say something, the way she understands it, before I say it, has exhausted me.

I am trying to encourage her to get some tuition but she seems disinterested and would rather watch Thai VCD's and eat Pappaya Salad.

Any similar experiences?

I may have a minority opinion, but I firmly believe that if you live in a country then you should do your best to speak the language or you do not belong in that country. Thai is obviously a very difficult language to learn but not an impossible language. English is a relatively easier language to learn and with reasonable effort, I think any Thai girl moving to an English speaking country should have no problem learning the language. My Thai wife has only been in the US for 3 years and speaks English with virtually no accent and is now as fluent as I am and is able to use and understand our many American slang expressions (both the good ones and bad ones ). She is now getting ahead of the game by taking a college course to learn Spanish as it will in the future probably overtake English as the primary language of the US (thanks to the illegal Mexican immigration). IMHO if your gf/wife has been in the UK for any reasonable length of time and still cannot speak English fairly decently then you can most likely attribute it to her hanging out with Thai girl ghetto types which has left her with no desire to bother to learn and improve her skills in the language of the country that she now resides.

[glasshock]

My wife and I both speak English and Thai..................... you will never cross the "frustration through cultural differences" bridge.

This is a huge issue and sometimes the Thai nod and "yes dad" means "even though I understand what you are saying .....I don’t understand & what’s more I think you’re talking <deleted> ...just keep your eye on the road!

Remember, deep and complex conversations with Thai people are more or less non existent. No disrespect intended, I simply mean that I feel their priorities are slightly different or their emotions are actually real and not just what they think they feel........ hmmmmmmmm

Now I’ve confused myself .....and I can communicate perfectly on my own!!

[G54]

When talking to a Thai in English it does seem (is) difficult to get them to understand the correct meaning of what you are trying to say, especially if they are not paying enough attention for whatever reason and those reasons can be many, from not interested to not caring about what you really mean.

Very easy too, for them to take something the 'wrong' way and that causes further problems as you try to rectify the original misunderstanding and are met with those silences or further misunderstanding. That would make a good comedy show but it is frustrating for us.

Yes, you can burn out trying if your other half is not really trying to understand or pay attention.

[unforgiven]

I am in a LTR with a Thai lady in the UK. I am eary 30's, she is late 30's. We have been together for about 7 years. Her friends are all Thai, with whom she communicates in her native tongue. She pretty much only speaks English with me.

She did a very basic English language course when she first came to the Uk.

At first the communication problems were fun/funny, but as time has gone by it has become out and out frustrating, at least for me.

Constantly trying to "find" the right way to say something, the way she understands it, before I say it, has exhausted me.

I am trying to encourage her to get some tuition but she seems disinterested and would rather watch Thai VCD's and eat Pappaya Salad.

Any similar experiences?

Take her back to thai and dump her!!!!

[tim armstrong]

When talking to a Thai in English it does seem (is) difficult to get them to understand the correct meaning of what you are trying to say, especially if they are not paying enough attention for whatever reason and those reasons can be many, from not interested to not caring about what you really mean.

Very easy too, for them to take something the 'wrong' way and that causes further problems as you try to rectify the original misunderstanding and are met with those silences or further misunderstanding. That would make a good comedy show but it is frustrating for us.

Yes, you can burn out trying if your other half is not really trying to understand or pay attention.

I agree with you G54. Thais do get different meanings from English than we do. Its partly the grammar and partly their thinking. With respect to my Thai wife and friends, many thais can only think in black and white because their language doesn't give them other choices. They are also not encouraged to think, from their first days at school, to the end of their lives. The idea of individuality and personal choice is foreign, and they're scared of these concepts. They would much rather someone tell them what to do- whether that's their fathers, teachers, government, monk, or whoever. Because their education and world awareness is so limited, it seems to reduce conversation to things that are very concrete and obvious. Sometimes in LOS I think I'm in the 1950's.

As many posters on tv repeatedly notice, thais that live and work overseas for extended periods, but not in their own enclaves, start to acquire or at least understand other ways of thinking. Its these people that may eventually change the deeply rooted conservatism that exists here. When I tell my thai family that I want to write a book or two, they say - why? and up to you. If I said it would make millions, they would say - when will you get the money? I accept all this, as I've chosen to give up another existence, marry a Thai and live here. So I'm not in the business of trying to change them, but to adapt my own thinking. That's very difficult at times, and I do worry about burnout. But I never expected my wife to meet all my needs, so I have to work at finding intellectual stimulation, meeting other expats, reading tv, books etc. Mostly I do Ok, but sometimes I get a bit disheartened. If I have enough contact with friends, read enough, have a beer or 2, exercise enough I'm OK. As the thais would say - its up to you.

[Geekfreaklover]

If she is living in England then she should make the effort to learn English. Likewise us foreigners living in Thailand need to make the effort to learn Thai. If you are planning on staying in England long term then, sorry, it is up to her to learn english. Makes sense no?

By all means learn Thai, so that you can hear what she is speaking about with her Thai friends. But I can tell you already it will probably be along the lines of who's husband has the biggest house, the newest car, the best job, most money etc.

Don't ever, ever speak in Thai pigion English - ME GO SHOP NOW YOU WAIT HERE - It only encourages the laziness and the problem will esculate. Speak in clear concise English. If she asks for something in YODA mode. Refuse to respond until she makes an effort to say the sentance correctly. Teach her. If she doesn't want to learn, then it sounds like she shouldn't be living over there in the first place.

Is your wife from Isaan per chance?

[G54]

When talking to a Thai in English it does seem (is) difficult to get them to understand the correct meaning of what you are trying to say, especially if they are not paying enough attention for whatever reason and those reasons can be many, from not interested to not caring about what you really mean.

Very easy too, for them to take something the 'wrong' way and that causes further problems as you try to rectify the original misunderstanding and are met with those silences or further misunderstanding. That would make a good comedy show but it is frustrating for us.

Yes, you can burn out trying if your other half is not really trying to understand or pay attention.

I agree with you G54. Thais do get different meanings from English than we do. Its partly the grammar and partly their thinking. With respect to my Thai wife and friends, many thais can only think in black and white because their language doesn't give them other choices. They are also not encouraged to think, from their first days at school, to the end of their lives. The idea of individuality and personal choice is foreign, and they're scared of these concepts. They would much rather someone tell them what to do- whether that's their fathers, teachers, government, monk, or whoever. Because their education and world awareness is so limited, it seems to reduce conversation to things that are very concrete and obvious. Sometimes in LOS I think I'm in the 1950's.

As many posters on tv repeatedly notice, thais that live and work overseas for extended periods, but not in their own enclaves, start to acquire or at least understand other ways of thinking. Its these people that may eventually change the deeply rooted conservatism that exists here. When I tell my thai family that I want to write a book or two, they say - why? and up to you. If I said it would make millions, they would say - when will you get the money? I accept all this, as I've chosen to give up another existence, marry a Thai and live here. So I'm not in the business of trying to change them, but to adapt my own thinking. That's very difficult at times, and I do worry about burnout. But I never expected my wife to meet all my needs, so I have to work at finding intellectual stimulation, meeting other expats, reading tv, books etc. Mostly I do Ok, but sometimes I get a bit disheartened. If I have enough contact with friends, read enough, have a beer or 2, exercise enough I'm OK. As the thais would say - its up to you.

Strange that you talk about books. I am trying to drift back into writing though it is over 1o years since my last educational book. But the need to have aims in life is mounting all the time. The existence with a Thai can be mundane if you need stimulating conversation or sometimes decent conversation in general, unless you are lucky to have a wife who sees more than their own small world.

Going for a beer or three to escape does help, as does getting out and about in general.

I find it particularly frustrating to spend time with a new Thai lady, getting over the language barrier, teaching her English and then breaking up after 3+ months or so and starting all over again - a situation I am now in 'again'

It used to be fun but after the last two I am getting to the point where I am feeling I'd rather have a Thai lady who can speak English already. But that has its own problems, as to where they learned to speak it.

The desire to go places like Pattaya etc to have decent conversation is ever greater now too, though I prefer to be here in Nakhon Nowhere.

The OP is in the UK and having these difficulties and that to me would be even more frustrating. I think I would be demanding a bit more from a wife, especially a wife, who is not doing her bit to learn.

To avoid burnout, surely you need a lot of patience and to be very persuasive in getting them to learn. Yet if they are sitting around a lot with other Thai wives or g/f and talking Thai all the time maybe they do not feel the same need to learn English. Now, they have their dreams come true, or at least they have escaped the life they had before and achieved the goal of not having to scrimp and scrape to help out family and kids and sick buffaloes, so feel they might have reached the peak of the need to have to learn.

Maybe time for measures to be taken to make them learn or at least push them to learn.

[sanook2me]

If she is living in England then she should make the effort to learn English. Likewise us foreigners living in Thailand need to make the effort to learn Thai. If you are planning on staying in England long term then, sorry, it is up to her to learn english. Makes sense no?

By all means learn Thai, so that you can hear what she is speaking about with her Thai friends. But I can tell you already it will probably be along the lines of who's husband has the biggest house, the newest car, the best job, most money etc.

Don't ever, ever speak in Thai pigion English - ME GO SHOP NOW YOU WAIT HERE - It only encourages the laziness and the problem will esculate. Speak in clear concise English. If she asks for something in YODA mode. Refuse to respond until she makes an effort to say the sentance correctly. Teach her. If she doesn't want to learn, then it sounds like she shouldn't be living over there in the first place.

Is your wife from Isaan per chance?

YODA mode

For what its worth surely you get more out of your stay in any country if you make an effort to speak the lingo..

Kick that girls lazy @ss and get her into class learning English..do it now!

[wasabi]

I ran into this problem 5 years. Hit the books and now I speak excellent Thai and was able to pull a diamond out of the rough who only speaks Thai but is a fine woman.

[Geekfreaklover]

I ran into this problem 5 years. Hit the books and now I speak excellent Thai and was able to pull a diamond out of the rough who only speaks Thai but is a fine woman.

Congratulations.

[G54]

Are these type of ladies not really different from many of us in the world in the respect that when we felt we have achieved our goals we tend to lie back and not try so hard - in this case to learn English?

As each of my g/f learn English I let my Thai learning slip.

If we are here and tapping up Thai women, we learn enough to get into their knickers, unless you go to Pattaya or somewhere where they speaky ze Eeengleesh. (Or flash your wallet).

Seriously yes, laziness.

[caf]

When talking to a Thai in English it does seem (is) difficult to get them to understand the correct meaning of what you are trying to say, especially if they are not paying enough attention for whatever reason and those reasons can be many, from not interested to not caring about what you really mean.

Very easy too, for them to take something the 'wrong' way and that causes further problems as you try to rectify the original misunderstanding and are met with those silences or further misunderstanding. That would make a good comedy show but it is frustrating for us.

Yes, you can burn out trying if your other half is not really trying to understand or pay attention.

I agree with you G54. Thais do get different meanings from English than we do. Its partly the grammar and partly their thinking. With respect to my Thai wife and friends, many thais can only think in black and white because their language doesn't give them other choices. They are also not encouraged to think, from their first days at school, to the end of their lives. The idea of individuality and personal choice is foreign, and they're scared of these concepts. They would much rather someone tell them what to do- whether that's their fathers, teachers, government, monk, or whoever. Because their education and world awareness is so limited, it seems to reduce conversation to things that are very concrete and obvious. Sometimes in LOS I think I'm in the 1950's.

As many posters on tv repeatedly notice, thais that live and work overseas for extended periods, but not in their own enclaves, start to acquire or at least understand other ways of thinking. Its these people that may eventually change the deeply rooted conservatism that exists here. When I tell my thai family that I want to write a book or two, they say - why? and up to you. If I said it would make millions, they would say - when will you get the money? I accept all this, as I've chosen to give up another existence, marry a Thai and live here. So I'm not in the business of trying to change them, but to adapt my own thinking. That's very difficult at times, and I do worry about burnout. But I never expected my wife to meet all my needs, so I have to work at finding intellectual stimulation, meeting other expats, reading tv, books etc. Mostly I do Ok, but sometimes I get a bit disheartened. If I have enough contact with friends, read enough, have a beer or 2, exercise enough I'm OK. As the thais would say - its up to you.

Completely agree. My thai partner is beginnmg to undestand the differences in my thinking and hers; and I am understanding how she thinks. It's a two way learning curve. Sometimes frustrating - for both of us - but we are getting there.

Thanks for constructive post

[noahvail]

YODA mode

For what its worth surely you get more out of your stay in any country if you make an effort to speak the lingo..

Kick that girls lazy @ss and get her into class learning English..do it now!

OMG that is soooo funny! I've told my wife about Yoda and the Star Wars movies, which she's never seen. But when I quote Yoda, she understands immediately! I reckon it's the Thai patterns, rather than the english ones. Y'know, like Yoda would say, "Backwards talking am I."

Funny thing is, she reads and writes english really well. We watched the entire Roswell series with english subtitles going, and she got 90% of it straight off, which is more than I can say about a lot of falanges!

[bina]

and how many farang males married to tw in thailand speak thai??? or they just ensconce themselves in the beer and tvdvd syndrome also....

i speak thai, husband is having tough time learning hebrew; but he has a tough time learning in general unless it is machinery/electronics or cooking... most of the time he is not now surrounded by thai; but most westerners that did not have to learn a second language as a child have a difficult time learning more then the rudimentary amount of a second language. go over to the language forum and see how many people here on tv are complaining about not being able to get past a certain point in learning thai; or they cant get the tones right or are 'tone' deaf, etc etc etc.

dont see anyone calling them lazy.

so either learn thai, or find other ways to communicate or for more intellectually stimulating stuff talk with friends. wives nor husbands dont neccessarily have to fill in the intellectual part of life. for some of us, it is other things, and the stimulating argumentative jabbering is with friends or work colleages.

bina

israel

[G54]

Bina. I, for 1 can never learn Thai very well. My hearing impairment denies me that.

As for intellectual and stimulating topics, I can do other things, but nothing that can be discussed here

In reality, I can learn more Thai from the computer and the internet than from a Thai person. I've had more fun communicating after going and looking at certain Thai dictionaries on line that give phonetics.

I do love your posts though

Cannot spell some days!!

Edited April 16, 2009 by G54

[thaicbr]

G54.

SOME DAYS.

There ya go thats how you spell 'some days' :D :D