How Are Children From First Marriages Treated In Thailand?

[Susanna]

Can anyone explain the culture in Thailand of how children from first marriages seem to be not recognised or are not 'part of the family' of a new marriage?

I have a brother (American) who has children from his first marriage to a Thai woman. He has divorced and remarried another Thai woman. She and her family do not want him to have much, if anything to do with his first children. He hardly ever sees them even though they all live in Bangkok.

His second wife is now pregnant and he says that they do not intend for his first children and the baby to have contact. He says it is Thai culture and a 'sensitive' issue. He respects his wifes wishes and that of her family and so does not see his first children (although he supports them financially).

This is very difficult for us (his Western family) to accept and there have been big family arguments / discussions about this - his first children are already a part of our lives and have cousins who they see once a year. It means that we can never have a family gathering and invite ALL the family - we can never mention all the cousins / nieces /nephews / grandchildren in bonded terms....

Can anyone with knowledge of Asian culture explain if this is normal and indeed a 'sensitive' situation in Thailand? Are there any situations there of famous Thai couples who have children from previous marriages who are included in the second marriage? If so we can use this as an argument!

Thanks

[bkkjames]

Not an easy situation.

But very similar to what you see on Discovery Channel.

Old male lion has a litter with female.

New male lion comes in and either kills them or drives of the lil one's.

All in the name of the pride - you can draw your own conclusions how this may or may not relate to your current situation.

[Boater]

very interesting way of putting BKKjames

[ubonjoe]

It does not seem typical to me. I know of many Thai families that live together that have children from previous marriages (official and unofficial). Infact it seems to be very common here.

My step son lived with his father and new family after the divorce. My wife granted custody to him because he was in a better situation to support him than her.

[GuestHouse]

That your brother has got his second wife pregnant is clearly not evidence that he has any balls.

This strikes me as another one of the examples of Thais dictating what Thai culture is in terms that give themselves an advantage.

Another view of Thai culture is that the man is incharge of the household or if they struggle with getting their heads around that idea - then remind them that in Thailand, perhaps to an extent like nowhere else... he who pays the piper calls the tune.

[Mario2008]

Also doesn't seem typical to me. A lot of people choose to abonden the children after the divorce/seperation. But when the mother is marrying again, it is with the children. The children are not going to live somewhere else so the newly weds can start their own family.

Might be different for the man, but don't think so. Jelousy is probably a bigger factor her then asain culture.

[bkkjames]

at the risk of getting a slap on the wrist - can I say in straight up terms - it's a money issue.

Think long-term (read between the lions) think inheritance.

[GarryP]

I have heard the of same situation as the OP quite a few times. In most cases it seemed to be a mix of jealousy, insecurity and greed. In one case it was clearly greed in that the new wife did not want him spending any money at all on his son from the first marriage. He did not go along with it and it was always a sore point. He just made sure that when visiting his son, his new wife thought he was going somewhere else.

[wolfmanjack]

My wife is from a family with 4 kids from the first marriage and 2 from the second. They all grew up in the same house. Also I know another woman with 3 kids all from different men living with her new husband. maybe it is different when the kids belong to the man and not the wife?

[egg6447]

That your brother has got his second wife pregnant is clearly not evidence that he has any balls.

This strikes me as another one of the examples of Thais dictating what Thai culture is in terms that give themselves an advantage.

Another view of Thai culture is that the man is incharge of the household or if they struggle with getting their heads around that idea - then remind them that in Thailand, perhaps to an extent like nowhere else... he who pays the piper calls the tune.

i'd endorse gh . spot on . they his kids or not. your kids are always your kids before and after the new wife. i'd also advise he gets the snip if this is going to be his pattern in life. then grow some ball and leave the bitch.

[egg6447]

i would say that its comen for thai men to abandon there offspring , as do the wives, very often the grandparents take on the roll. culture,?, yes and no . for me definatly no. more a inheritance thing.

[ukme]

My Mother had 2 children from her first marriage, then she had me from her second, then a fourth child from her third unsuccessful relationship. I therefore have 2 elder and 1 younger "half" sisters.

I feel no kinship whatsoever with my Siblings. As I've gotten a bit older I actually dislike them, especially the younger one, who is now 24 years old. I can't even be in the same room as them I dislike them that much.

Some strange phsycology going on there? I'm sure I would have different feelings if we were properly related - ie. all came from the same Mother and Father.

[thaimate]

Can anyone explain the culture in Thailand of how children from first marriages seem to be not recognised or are not 'part of the family' of a new marriage?

I have a brother (American) who has children from his first marriage to a Thai woman. He has divorced and remarried another Thai woman. She and her family do not want him to have much, if anything to do with his first children. He hardly ever sees them even though they all live in Bangkok.

His second wife is now pregnant and he says that they do not intend for his first children and the baby to have contact. He says it is Thai culture and a 'sensitive' issue. He respects his wifes wishes and that of her family and so does not see his first children (although he supports them financially).

This is very difficult for us (his Western family) to accept and there have been big family arguments / discussions about this - his first children are already a part of our lives and have cousins who they see once a year. It means that we can never have a family gathering and invite ALL the family - we can never mention all the cousins / nieces /nephews / grandchildren in bonded terms....

Can anyone with knowledge of Asian culture explain if this is normal and indeed a 'sensitive' situation in Thailand? Are there any situations there of famous Thai couples who have children from previous marriages who are included in the second marriage? If so we can use this as an argument!

Thanks

my wife and son lived with my daughter from my first marriage ,i had custody ,no problems ,in fact my wife and daughter are great friends.

[lannarebirth]

Can anyone explain the culture in Thailand of how children from first marriages seem to be not recognised or are not 'part of the family' of a new marriage?

I have a brother (American) who has children from his first marriage to a Thai woman. He has divorced and remarried another Thai woman. She and her family do not want him to have much, if anything to do with his first children. He hardly ever sees them even though they all live in Bangkok.

His second wife is now pregnant and he says that they do not intend for his first children and the baby to have contact. He says it is Thai culture and a 'sensitive' issue. He respects his wifes wishes and that of her family and so does not see his first children (although he supports them financially).

This is very difficult for us (his Western family) to accept and there have been big family arguments / discussions about this - his first children are already a part of our lives and have cousins who they see once a year. It means that we can never have a family gathering and invite ALL the family - we can never mention all the cousins / nieces /nephews / grandchildren in bonded terms....

Can anyone with knowledge of Asian culture explain if this is normal and indeed a 'sensitive' situation in Thailand? Are there any situations there of famous Thai couples who have children from previous marriages who are included in the second marriage? If so we can use this as an argument!

Thanks

This may be a "sensitive" situation for the family of your brother's second wife, but it is odd behavior for most Thais I've met. I've seen all manner of "families" here that have come together and are "taken care" of. Orphans, abandoned, abused, first families, relatives, distant relatives, kids of friends and acquaintances, neighbors kids, etc. It is not unusual at all for Thai families to make room for more people.

If I had to guess I would say your brother's wife and family are concerned about attention and mostly, money being diverted from themselves in favor of the earlier children. I'm not sure it's an Asian trait, but it would seem to be a trait of hateful and greedy people. Your brother isn't coming out looking to good in this either, for submitting to it.

[Susanna]

My Mother had 2 children from her first marriage, then she had me from her second, then a fourth child from her third unsuccessful relationship. I therefore have 2 elder and 1 younger "half" sisters.

I feel no kinship whatsoever with my Siblings. As I've gotten a bit older I actually dislike them, especially the younger one, who is now 24 years old. I can't even be in the same room as them I dislike them that much.

Some strange phsycology going on there? I'm sure I would have different feelings if we were properly related - ie. all came from the same Mother and Father.

Thanks for all the comments - when replying can you say what culture you were brought up in? Are you Thai? I'm trying to get into the psych of my new(ish) sister in law - I think it is insecurity and jealousy and maybe money (her family tho' are wealthy); maybe also 'face' - her family are quite high profile.

So would be good to know who is replying - what culture you are brought up in or how well you know Thai culture...

Ukme - Is your Mum Thai? And did you know your siblings as you grew up? Or did you live seperately?

Thanks

[lannarebirth]

My Mother had 2 children from her first marriage, then she had me from her second, then a fourth child from her third unsuccessful relationship. I therefore have 2 elder and 1 younger "half" sisters.

I feel no kinship whatsoever with my Siblings. As I've gotten a bit older I actually dislike them, especially the younger one, who is now 24 years old. I can't even be in the same room as them I dislike them that much.

Some strange phsycology going on there? I'm sure I would have different feelings if we were properly related - ie. all came from the same Mother and Father.

Thanks for all the comments - when replying can you say what culture you were brought up in? Are you Thai? I'm trying to get into the psych of my new(ish) sister in law - I think it is insecurity and jealousy and maybe money (her family tho' are wealthy); maybe also 'face' - her family are quite high profile.

So would be good to know who is replying - what culture you are brought up in or how well you know Thai culture...

Ukme - Is your Mum Thai? And did you know your siblings as you grew up? Or did you live seperately?

Thanks

very few of the posters here are Thai. The majority are expats from Europe and North America.

With your added details I'll hazard a guess that your brother's first wife, and hence his children are from a lower socioeconomic class than his current wife and her family. If that's true they could be ignoring any ties to the children to maintain their socail standing and /or face? A not very pretty Thai trait.

[Cynical]

Can anyone explain the culture in Thailand of how children from first marriages seem to be not recognised or are not 'part of the family' of a new marriage?

I have a brother (American) who has children from his first marriage to a Thai woman. He has divorced and remarried another Thai woman. She and her family do not want him to have much, if anything to do with his first children. He hardly ever sees them even though they all live in Bangkok.

His second wife is now pregnant and he says that they do not intend for his first children and the baby to have contact. He says it is Thai culture and a 'sensitive' issue. He respects his wifes wishes and that of her family and so does not see his first children (although he supports them financially).

This is very difficult for us (his Western family) to accept and there have been big family arguments / discussions about this - his first children are already a part of our lives and have cousins who they see once a year. It means that we can never have a family gathering and invite ALL the family - we can never mention all the cousins / nieces /nephews / grandchildren in bonded terms....

Can anyone with knowledge of Asian culture explain if this is normal and indeed a 'sensitive' situation in Thailand? Are there any situations there of famous Thai couples who have children from previous marriages who are included in the second marriage? If so we can use this as an argument!

Thanks

I can't count the amount of times that I've seen foreigners walked over by Thai women. Many up country people have a balck and white mentality. That is, one or the other, and they either can't see reason nore are they able to compomise. Been there done that (or had that done to me). Your American relative should 'grow a pair' and stand up for his child because nobody else will.

When I married my Thai wife, I had only one question that I needed answering and that was. After we are married, who will be most important to you. Your family or me?

The answer was 'me' and we have been happily married for a long time. If her answer was different I would never have married her.

Thais will always say 'it's Thai style' or 'Thai poeple don't do that'. And that's aload of old ****.

In addition to that, Thai men generally don't marry women who have had children form another man. There are exceptions to this of course but, not often. Foreigners on the other hand don't have a problem with this which is why you may tend to seee so much of it.

(This is speculation on my part) I would imagine that the American's wife's family have probably told everyone that he has never been married. yada yada yada. And so now they can't be seen to be liars of to have 'lost face'.

My suggestion would be, if his new wife or her family cannot accept his first child then he should seriously rethink the whole thing. Children are innocents and need more than financial help.

Funnily enough, in the past I have advised people about their girlfriends and to be careful about where your money goes etc. Of the three times that I ahve done that, I lost all three friends. All of htem were fleeced with everything they had.

Edited April 23, 2009 by Cynical

[ukme]

No, I'm English, as are my Siblings, Mother etc Although my Father was an immigrant in the Uk (not from Thailand) when he met my Mum. My reply was off topic, but in a sense it wasn't either.

Just demonstrating how fXXXked up family situations can affect people. My Siblings appear to "love" me, I just can't stand them. Feel like they're not my "real" family, as we have different Dad's, shame really.

[Susanna]

No, I'm English, as are my Siblings, Mother etc Although my Father was an immigrant in the Uk (not from Thailand) when he met my Mum. My reply was off topic, but in a sense it wasn't either.

Just demonstrating how fXXXked up family situations can affect people. My Siblings appear to "love" me, I just can't stand them. Feel like they're not my "real" family, as we have different Dad's, shame really.

In this situation the siblings are being kept apart - they will never be allowed to meet. Can you imagine how you would feel now as an adult knowing your Mum or Dad had not let you meet your siblings when growing up? I don't think you would dislike your siblings at all - I think you would want to meet and get to know them and I think you would end up hating the adults that had kept you apart.

Does anyone have experience of this situation and can comment? How did you/ the person feel as an adult? Towards your siblings and parents?

[bina]

my thai husband sometimes, sometimes, has issues about my three kids. the father is still on the same kibbutz with a new wife and her two kids... the issues around my three involve usually who is paying more. we dont get alimony or patrimony here, so i am considered the financial caretaker. my hsuband gets along well with my kids apart from a few skirmishes about leaving stuff around the salon or washing dishes, that sort of thing. he did not have to raise my children as they are all in teens and older, but he often points out that i put out more money then their dad and claims that their dad puts more money in to his new 'mia' and her family. which is pretty true, but it doesnt bother me. it bothers him (my husband). im sure if i had a young baby by a former husband, my husband would support and love it BUT still make an issue about money... as he sees it as the father's job to support kids financially.

the thai wife might not want an other woman's children though, to guard her own kids inheritance and whatever although as lanna pointed out, intra familial 'adoption' and raising of kids from various and sundry cousins/aunts etc is very very common. HOWEVER, many times the 'foster child' might also be in a situation of 'working' for his stay (a story i've heard from several thai men whose kids were with their ex and a new husband. and the money sent by the father gets for his child gets taken by the step father and the child's mother.

p.s.

my kids get along really well with their step brother and sister at father's house, but then again, they werent raised in the house together (all late teens early twenties), and all are around same age, so they get along. its wierd really.

to clarify: im israel/american on kibbutz , so as not to confuse u, but with a thai (second) husband

bina

israel

[GuestHouse]

This is not just a Thai thing - How do you think the 'Wicked Step Mother' got into so many children's stories?!

That said, as Cynical rightly puts it. If the father here doesn't stand up for his children then nobody else does.

[venturalaw]

Can anyone explain the culture in Thailand of how children from first marriages seem to be not recognised or are not 'part of the family' of a new marriage?

I have a brother (American) who has children from his first marriage to a Thai woman. He has divorced and remarried another Thai woman. She and her family do not want him to have much, if anything to do with his first children. He hardly ever sees them even though they all live in Bangkok.

His second wife is now pregnant and he says that they do not intend for his first children and the baby to have contact. He says it is Thai culture and a 'sensitive' issue. He respects his wifes wishes and that of her family and so does not see his first children (although he supports them financially).

This is very difficult for us (his Western family) to accept and there have been big family arguments / discussions about this - his first children are already a part of our lives and have cousins who they see once a year. It means that we can never have a family gathering and invite ALL the family - we can never mention all the cousins / nieces /nephews / grandchildren in bonded terms....

Can anyone with knowledge of Asian culture explain if this is normal and indeed a 'sensitive' situation in Thailand? Are there any situations there of famous Thai couples who have children from previous marriages who are included in the second marriage? If so we can use this as an argument!

Thanks

I have the same situation -- a child from my first Thai wife, and a child from my second Thai wife. My second wife is extremely interested in my first child and developed a great relationship with her during our visits to America (my first Thai wife chose to stayed in America instead of returning to Thailand). My second wife shared pictures of my first child with her family and they are all eager to meet her.

Unfortunately, it is apparent that your sister-in-law is using Thai culture to excuse her jealousy of the first wife to the detriment of all of the children. In other words, she is a liar who cares not at all for the feelings of anyone else - even children. Reminds me of my first Thai wife. Prediction - the marriage will not last.

Edited April 23, 2009 by venturalaw

[venturalaw]

This is not just a Thai thing - How do you think the 'Wicked Step Mother' got into so many children's stories?!

That said, as Cynical rightly puts it. If the father here doesn't stand up for his children then nobody else does.

Absolutely true.

[Farma]

My Thai wife's family more than accepts my kids from a previous marriage to a Thai woman. They welcome them with open arms and consider them part of the family.

On the other hand my ex wife takes all measures to prevent the kids from associating with my new family. I take all measures to ensure the kids get to spend time with me and my new wife much to the ex's annoyance.

Edited April 23, 2009 by Farma

[Heng]

Mentioned by several others here. If you're the head of the household, then it's your call. If you're not THE or at least AN alpha in this family, then it's not your call.

p.s. there are NOT any clear cut Thai cultural rules regarding this. It's basically in the general human nature category for this one.

Edited April 23, 2009 by Heng

[BigSnake]

How old is this child?

[Johpa]

[quote name='GuestHouse' date='2009-04-23 17:07:44' post='2686543'

Another view of Thai culture is that the man is incharge of the household or if they struggle with getting their heads around that idea - then remind them that in Thailand, perhaps to an extent like nowhere else... he who pays the piper calls the tune.

Within traditional Thai culture it is the woman who is in charge of the household and not the man. In the older tradition, the man moves into the house of the woman upon marriage, referred to as matrilocality in the vernacular. Even today one commonly finds clusters of sisters living in the same village with the husbands of these sorority groups getting together to drown their common woes in shared drinking sessions.

[Freddie_fly]

Well susanna, you have had a few "Thai culture" experts giving you the lowdown. So now here is my take on it.

I have a 10 year old daughter from my first marriage (which lasted 15 years). I was then single for three years and met a wonderful young woman. I made it clear from the onset that I had a daughter and she was very important to me. Things were difficult at first because I lived in Banglamung and my girlfriend lived and worked in bangkok. After 18 months of courtship we moved in together and then after a further 6 months (mainly due to pressure from her family who are very traditional) we were married.

I spent one year (before we married) gaining sole legal guardianship over my daughter through the Thai courts. This was almost exclusively successful due to the work put in by my Girlfriend, who bonded incredibly well with my daughter. We have now been married for a little over one year and both my daughter and new wife are very good together( they just travelled to the UK for my younger sisters wedding and had a great time, while I was unfortunately at work. I work overseas on a 5 week on/off rotation and am happy to say that my daughter has been accepted very well, not only by my wife but also by her family.

I just talked to my wife and explained the OP, she says No, thats not thai culture that is just how some people are, she then proceeded to tell me of several of her friends (most of whom I know quite well) have found themselves or family members in similar situations, and there has been no problem.

regards

Freddie

[abdulrahman]

Mentioned by several others here. If you're the head of the household, then it's your call. If you're not THE or at least AN alpha in this family, then it's not your call.

p.s. there are NOT any clear cut Thai cultural rules regarding this. It's basically in the general human nature category for this one.

Agree.My wife was the head of the family,the breadwinner,the authority to whom everyone referred.

Her extended family understands that now it's my role.She,of course,is not happy with the change,and we have a lot of arguments about it.

Well.she'll have to accept the situation OR explain to the family that they are very poor again!BIG loss of face.

Don;t tell me I'm a nice guy,know it already.

[dave9988]

Can anyone explain the culture in Thailand of how children from first marriages seem to be not recognised or are not 'part of the family' of a new marriage?

I have a brother (American) who has children from his first marriage to a Thai woman. He has divorced and remarried another Thai woman. She and her family do not want him to have much, if anything to do with his first children. He hardly ever sees them even though they all live in Bangkok.

His second wife is now pregnant and he says that they do not intend for his first children and the baby to have contact. He says it is Thai culture and a 'sensitive' issue. He respects his wifes wishes and that of her family and so does not see his first children (although he supports them financially).

This is very difficult for us (his Western family) to accept and there have been big family arguments / discussions about this - his first children are already a part of our lives and have cousins who they see once a year. It means that we can never have a family gathering and invite ALL the family - we can never mention all the cousins / nieces /nephews / grandchildren in bonded terms....

Can anyone with knowledge of Asian culture explain if this is normal and indeed a 'sensitive' situation in Thailand? Are there any situations there of famous Thai couples who have children from previous marriages who are included in the second marriage? If so we can use this as an argument!

Thanks

Your brother is not wearing the pants in the second relationship, and I know that sounds corny. A better way to put it, is that his 2nd wife is a complete liar and is dictating the terms of the relationship and he is too big of a coward to stand up to her for it. Or perhaps he is just a jerk and is using this as an excuse to avoid seeing his first children because he does not want to. Atleast, he is taking care of them financially.

In no way is a cultural issue.

GL