scottiejohn Posted August 8, 2017 Share Posted August 8, 2017 (edited) A mother called her son early on Sunday morning to make sure he got out of bed for church. "I’m not going," he told her. His mother demanded, "Yes you are going—now get out of that bed!" "Give me at least one good reason why I should go," her son said. "I’ll give you three good reasons," the mother exclaimed. "One I’m your mother and I say so! Two, you’re 40 years old, so you are old enough to know better….. And three; you’re the preacher of the church, you have to be there!" Edited August 8, 2017 by scottiejohn 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted August 8, 2017 Share Posted August 8, 2017 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted August 8, 2017 Share Posted August 8, 2017 Three friends were hiking when they came upon a large, raging river. They wanted to cross and get to the other side, but had no idea how. The first hiker prayed to God and in his prayer he said: "Please God, give me the strength to cross the river." God gave him two big arms and extra strong legs and he was able to swim across in about two hours, although he almost drowned two times. The second hiker prayed to God and in his prayer said: "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross the river. God gave him a rowboat and he used it to cross to the other side in about half an hour, although he almost capsized the boat twice. The third hiker having seen what his friends had to deal with now prayed to God. In his prayer he said: Please God, give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river." God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked downstream about a hundred yards and walked across the bridge. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post scottiejohn Posted August 8, 2017 Popular Post Share Posted August 8, 2017 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted August 8, 2017 Share Posted August 8, 2017 Three boys were on the school playground and they were bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem and they give him $50." The second boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song and they give him $100." The third boy says, "I’ve got you both topped. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon and it takes eight people to collect all the money!" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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Popular Post Daffy D Posted August 8, 2017 Popular Post Share Posted August 8, 2017 Ok! Scottiejohn Just give you a break :- A couple, both age 68, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare." 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daffy D Posted August 8, 2017 Share Posted August 8, 2017 Irish Brothers. A man is run over and is decapitated, there is a big crowd and one of the crowd says to a policeman I know that man he lives in number 2 just up the road he lives with his Irish brother. the policeman picks up the head by the hair marches up to number 2 and knocks on the door, when the door is answered by a man the policeman holding the head by the hair asks him is this your brother the man replies no my brother is a lot taller than that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Daffy D Posted August 8, 2017 Popular Post Share Posted August 8, 2017 A German tourist on the roads of Poland was stopped by a police officer: Police officer: "Name?" German: "Heinrich Klimt" Police officer: "Age?" German: "31" Police officer: "Occupation?" German: "No, no. Just visiting" 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Daffy D Posted August 8, 2017 Popular Post Share Posted August 8, 2017 last saturday night, a young chap was walking home from a club. it was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. most of the street lights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. then suddenly he heard a strange noise...... bump...... bump...... bump...... startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road. bump...... bump...... bump...... he froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly... it was a coffin. not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home. bump...... bump...... bump...... he could feel the coffin gaining on him, so he started walking faster...... bump......bump...... bump......bump...... bump......bump...... the coffin was closing with his every step. he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him...... bump......bump......bump...... bump......bump......bump...... bump......bump......bump...... he started to sprint, but so did the coffin...... bump......bump......bump......bump...... bump......bump......bump......bump...... bump......bump......bump......bump...... eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, his hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. he shot into his front room, and lumped into his comfy chair. suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. the force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase...... bump......screech......bump......screech...... bump......screech......bump......screech...... bump......screech......bump......screech...... in horror the young lad fled again. as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door...... bump......screech......bump......screech...... bump......screech......bump......screech...... bump......screech......bump......screech...... the coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. with an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges. the coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad...... bump......screech......bump......screech...... bump......screech......bump......screech...... bump......screech......bump......screech...... in a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet. he grabbed a bar of imperial leather soap and threw it at the coffin. still it came...... bump......screech......bump......screech...... he grabbed his can of lynx deodorant and threw it. still it came...... bump......screech......bump......screech...... he grabbed his first aid kit and threw it. still it came...... bump......screech......bump......screech...... he grabbed some benelyn cough mixture and threw it...... the coffin stopped. OK! I'm off now................................................. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
owl sees all Posted August 8, 2017 Share Posted August 8, 2017 4 minutes ago, Daffy D said: he grabbed some benelyn cough mixture and threw it...... the coffin stopped. It wasn't the coughing that carried him off. It was the coffin they carried him off in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
owl sees all Posted August 8, 2017 Share Posted August 8, 2017 I started off with nothing and now I've got 100 times more. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daffy D Posted August 8, 2017 Share Posted August 8, 2017 1 hour ago, owl sees all said: I started off with nothing and now I've got 100 times more. Is that what's called negative equity? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted August 8, 2017 Share Posted August 8, 2017 For those men who know nothing of how to satisfy a real woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word Shopping. the word Shopping. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
owl sees all Posted August 8, 2017 Share Posted August 8, 2017 Susie arrived home from her Saturday night out. She made a cup of tea and sat beside her older sister watching TV. How did your evening go Susie? Oh really good. I met Jimmy, the fairground worker, outside the cinema at seven. we were in the foyer and he asked me what I'd like to nibble on while we were inside I said jelly babies as they were my favourites. He said he liked them too so we got a bag. When we were watching the film Jimmy put his hand on my shoulder. Then he put his hand on my breast. then he put his hand under my bra, He whispered in my ear that he wanted something more 'juicy'. I knew what he meant so I said 'OK'. He put his hand on my knee; I laughed. Then his hand slid up my thigh; I laughed. Then his hand went right up between my legs; I laughed. Then he slipped his hand into my panties; I laughed. His hand stayed there for ages; moving here and there. All the time I was laughing. Then I felt his finger going 'you know where'!. I couldn't stop laughing. At the end of the film Jimmy said he had to see a man about a dog and left. I caught the bus home. All the way back I was thinking about what Jimmy did and I couldn't stop laughing. Sounds like you had a great time Susie. But tell me why did you keep laughing? That Jimmy was so silly. The jelly babies were in my pocket all the time. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 13 hours ago, owl sees all said: It wasn't the coughing that carried him off. It was the coffin they carried him off in. Such grave humour! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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scottiejohn Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 Johnny and his mother were coming home from church one Sunday morning. His mother noticed a serious look on his face. She asked him "What’s on your mind Johnny?" "Is it true what the preacher said about everyone coming from dust and then turning us back into dust when we die?" "Yes that is true." she answered. "Why do you ask?" "Well, when we get home," he answered, "You better look under my bed, because someone's either comin' or goin!" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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Popular Post scottiejohn Posted August 9, 2017 Popular Post Share Posted August 9, 2017 Three friends all died in a car crash together and they are up in Heaven going through orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you are in your casket and family and friends are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first friend thinks about the question for a moment and then says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and an even better family man." The second friend says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband and a school teacher that made a difference in many children’s lives." The third friend looks up and replies quickly "I’d like to hear them say……LOOK HE’S MOVING!!" 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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burners19 Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 Two friends [emoji67][emoji71]were walking home and a Lady happened to be Blowing a Kiss [emoji8] to one of them.....from the window of a single storey building.1st friend: Man, it looks like that Babe is blowing kisses at me...2nd friend: Guy leave her alone! Don't pay any attention to her.(Then the lady signalled [emoji137] to him to come)1st friend: Man the babe is calling me!2nd friend: My friend, Don't go!1st friend: Why would you ask me not to go When a fine Babe like that is calling me?2nd friend: Pal, l'm begging you, Please don't go, please don't go [emoji37]The Friend ignored him... And went over to the lady, She went to meet him And they both went upstairs. Suddenly as they were about to have fun, They heard a car honking.Lady: (on opening the window) Hell ! That's my Husband!!1st friend: Shit! I'm in trouble!!Lady: Don't worry, just pretend like you're the laundry man And iron these clothes, pointing at a heap of clothes.The guy spent the whole day... Ironing clothes because the husband never left home that day.The next day he went over to his friend's place1st friend: Pal, can you believe that it was clothes and clothes l ironed throughout the day yesterday.2nd friend: But I told you not to go. All those clothes you ironed, l WASHED THEM THE PREVIOUS DAY [emoji83]Yep ... men never learn [emoji41]Sent from my iPhone using Thaivisa Connect 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday . She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply . "Nope! I’m exactly 50," the woman says happily . A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I’d guess about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I’m 50." Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I’d say about 30." Again she proudly responds, "I’m 50, but thank you!" While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. If you permit me to put my hands under your bra, then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are." They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully . He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay , okay ...How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, " Ma dam, you are 50." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man says, "Promise you won’t get mad?" "I promise I won’t," she says. "I was behind you in McDonald’s earlier when you asked the staff the same question" He said with a sly smile on his face 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way . The man, who was obviously a priest, said, "I am a Father" The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that". The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many". The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way". The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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scottiejohn Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 Fred gets married and on his wedding night he calls his Father for some tips on what to do, since he has never been with a woman before. "So what do I do first?"? His father replied, "Take her clothes off and lay her on the bed." 5 minutes later Fred’s on the phone again. "She’s naked and in bed, what do I do now??? His father can’t believe what he is hearing, "Take your damn clothes off and get into bed with her." After another 5 minutes poor Fred is on the phone again. "Dad, I’m naked and in bed with her, what do I do now?" His dad’s patience is now running thin so he says, "Sh*t son! Do I have to spell everything out for you? Just put the hardest thing on your body into where she pees. Goodnight!" Just when the old man starts snoring, his son is on the phone once again. "Ok Dad, I have my head in the toilet bowl what do I do next" "Pull the chain and drown yourself , you f**king idiot!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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