Worst Joke Ever

[laislica]

Yesterday a friend asked if he could crash on my couch.

I had to explain to him I was married now and that's where I sleep.

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[laislica]

SAeriously though, some things are not jokes.....

Exsmple":

 

Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb on Thai Visa Forum?

 

 

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb'.
Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp'.
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.
19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.
11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.
15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs.
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.
13 to comment "Me too". +1 and + 100%
5 to post to the page that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".
13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".
1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert my politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb.
4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
1 admin to ban the light bulb posters for inserting political discussion and close the thread.

 

Sometimes, Truth is stranger than fiction!

 

 

[scottiejohn]

16 hours ago, laislica said:

SAeriously though, some things are not jokes.....

Exsmple":

 

Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb on Thai Visa Forum?

 

 

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb'.
Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp'.
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.
19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.
11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.
15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs.
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.
13 to comment "Me too". +1 and + 100%
5 to post to the page that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".
13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".
1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert my politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb.
4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
1 admin to ban the light bulb posters for inserting political discussion and close the thread.

 

Sometimes, Truth is stranger than fiction!

 

 

Brilliant and very illuminating casting such light on our thoughts!

Was that the (full)filament of your imagination or just one of those "light bulb" moments going off in your head?

[scottiejohn]

On ‎26‎/‎10‎/‎2017 at 8:43 AM, riceyummm said:

I am not sure I can figure this out, any clues?

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Three men died and went to heaven at the same time.

Upon their arrival, St. Peter told them he would ask them all the same question as he asks all arrivals and reminded them that anyone who lied would go to hell.

He asked the first man if he had been faithful to his wife and being truthfull the man admitted to two affairs during his marriage. St. Peter told him that he could receive only a compact car to drive in heaven.

Then St. Peter asked the second man if he had been faithful to his wife and this man admitted to one affair. St. Peter told him he would be given a midsize car to drive.

The third man was asked about his faithfulness, and he told St. Peter he had been true to his wife until the day he died. St. Peter praised him and gave him a luxury car.

A week later, the three men were driving around, and they all stopped at a red light. The men in the compact and midsize cars turned to see the man in the luxury car crying. They asked him what could possibly be the matter—after all, he was driving a luxury car.

 

 

"I just passed my wife," he told them, "and she was on a skateboard."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

One night little Johnny walked in on his parents while they were engaged in some physical exercise!

"Daddy," he cried, "what are you and Mommy doing?"

"Uh . . . we’re making a little sister for you to play with," stammered his father.

"Oh, neat," said Johnny, and went back to bed.

The next day his dad came home from work to find the little boy sobbing his eyes out on the front porch.

"What’s wrong, Johnny?" he asked, picking him up.

"You know the little sister you and Mommy were making for me last night?"

"Yes," said his father, blushing.

 

The little boy wailed, "Today the milkman ate her."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don’t want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.

"Well I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table, and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time.

"Hon,’ I suggested, "Why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’"

The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"

The expert replied, "Actually, the up side is yes as it used to take her over twenty minutes to get breakfast ready."

 

"The downside is that I now have to do it in five minutes."

[scottiejohn]

[laislica]

Guy goes to the doctor complaining that whenever he farts he sounds like a Honda....
Doctor tells him to drop his pants and bend over.....
Ahhhhhhh I see the problem says the doc, you have a large abscess on your arse....

The guy is shocked, would that cause it??? asks the guy...

 

Oh yes says the doctor... Everyone knows that abscess makes the fart go honda

[laislica]

8 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

and that reminds me:-

 

 

[Crossy]

16 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

I am not sure I can figure this out, any clues?

Think fruit which can help with bowel related (non)issues.

 

[scottiejohn]

It was meant to be a prune, sorry a pun/fun response. I thought being a joke section I didn't have to add a joke smiley!


Sent from my MotoG3 using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app

[wayned]

4 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

It was meant to be a prune

If it was meant to be a prune why did you label it a fig?

[scottiejohn]

7 hours ago, Crossy said:

Think fruit which can help with bowel related (non)issues.

 

 

53 minutes ago, wayned said:

If it was meant to be a prune why did you label it a fig?

I used the "prune" as it has the same bowel related function as a Fig.  I assume you have looked at the Fig.1/Fig.2 meme posted earlier as you will find I did not do the Fig meme or do the labeling, I just commented on it and now wish I hadn't.

 

lets get back to

[scottiejohn]

Meanwhile back to Sh*tty babies etc!

 

 

[Crossy]

1 hour ago, scottiejohn said:

I just commented on it and now wish I hadn't.

I must admit I wish I hadn't commented on your comment. I was thinking of figs as the laxative rather than prunes.

 

Arrgghh!

 

We should probably put a cork in this one

 

[scottiejohn]

 

An American, a Russian, a North Korean, and a Chinese man were walking down the street, when a man came up to them and said, "Excuse me. I’m with the Gallup Organization and we’re conducting a public-opinion poll about the meat shortage......"

Before he could get any further the Russian said, "What’s meat?"

The American said, "What’s a shortage?"

The North Korean said, "What’s public opinion?"

And the Chinese said, "What’s excuse me?"

[scottiejohn]

15 minutes ago, Crossy said:

I must admit I wish I hadn't commented on your comment. I was thinking of figs as the laxative rather than prunes.

 

Arrgghh!

 

We should probably put a cork in this one

 

Thanks - A little misunderstanding as the Giant said to the midget whore.

I think we have stuffed this to death and let it run it's course!

I will watch how I put this - but I think we have just re-connected with no hard feelings.

I do hope it didn't hurt too much as Gerald Fitzpatrick said to Patrick Fitzgerald.

 

PS;  OK enough so called puns from me today-back to memes and jokes(I hope)

Edited October 28, 2017 by scottiejohn
PS;

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Following a tragic shipwreck, the body of a naked and attractive young Asian looking woman washed up on the beach at Jomtien.

Two of Thailand’s finest BIB were quick on the scene. One stayed behind while the other went off to report to HQ

When he came back, he was horrified to find his best friend on top of the corpse, going at it as hard as he could.

"What the hell do you are doing" He said... That woman . . . she is dead!"

"Dead!" howled his companion in Brown, jumping up.

"I did not think she was dead I took her for a Chinese (zero payment tourist)!"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

The Ecuadorian captain had grown increasingly anxious over rumors of an impending air strike from neighboring Peru.

"Pedro," he ordered his aide-de-camp,

"I want you to climb that mountain and report any signs of Peruvian military activity."

"Sí, Capitano," replied Pedro.

He trudged up the mountain, and as soon as he crossed the ridge, he saw a squadron of planes heading their way.

"There are many planes coming, Capitano," he promptly radioed back.

"Friends or enemies?" the Captain demanded urgently.

Pedro again lifted his binoculars to the sky.

"Ah! ..They’re flying very closely together, Capitano," he replied. "so I think they must be very good friends."