Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery.

On her next birthday he buys her nothing, so she lets him have it.

"What are you complaining about?" he fires back.

 

 

"You still haven’t used the present I gave you last year."

A teenage blonde brings her first ever serious boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings his language (or lack of it) and his total bearing etc.

Later, the girl’s mom says, "Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy."

"Oh, please, Mom!" says the daughter.

"If he wasn’t a nice boy, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service and wear an expensive electronic bracelet on his ankle?"

Why are you firing bullets at my sporin? I don't even drink coke!

sporran

 noun a small pouch worn around the waist so as to hang in front of the kilt as part of men's Scottish Highland dress.

　

ORIGIN

C18: from Scottish Gaelic sporran.

 

 

 

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.

FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

 

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.

FAULT: Improper bladder control.

ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

 

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.

FAULT: Glass empty.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

 

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.

FAULT: You have fallen over backward.

ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

 

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.

FAULT: You have fallen forward.

ACTION: See above.

 

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.

FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.

ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

 

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.

FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

 

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.

FAULT: You are being carried out.

ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

 

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.

FAULT: Bar has closed.

ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

 

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.

FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

ACTION: Cover mouth.

 

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.

FAULT: You are dancing on the table.

ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

 

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.

FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.

ACTION: Punch him.

 

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.

FAULT: You have been in a fight.

ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

 

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.

FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.

ACTION: See if they have free beer.

 

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.

FAULT: The beer is too weak.

ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

 

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.

FAULT: Beer is just right.

ACTION: Play air guitar.

Edited November 18, 20178 yr by scottiejohn

 

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies,

 

"Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

Edited November 18, 20178 yr by riceyummm

THAT AWKWARD MOMENT

 

WHEN YOU GO IN THE KITCHEN AND OPEN THE REFRIGERATOR AND LOOK IN AWE BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE WHAT YOU CAME TO GET!!!

 

CCGOF Humor

As it's the cold season here now, my wife bought herself a sheepskin burkqa, to keep warm.

She looks like mutton dressed islam....

Just got back from the Sperm Donor clinic.
The nurse asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.
I said "I'm not sure if I'm ready for competitive w*nk*ng......

Edited November 19, 20178 yr by MrMuddle
spellink !

Worst joke ever?

Trump to be re-elected with landslide victory in 2020....

 

3 hours ago, jumbo said:

Worst joke ever?

Trump to be re-elected with landslide victory in 2020....

 

That should be in the unsolved crime section not the joke section!

 

Edited November 19, 20178 yr by scottiejohn

44 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

That should be in the unsolved crime section not the joke section!

Or the Nightmare forum!

4 minutes ago, wayned said:

Or the Nightmare forum!

Or how about any of these real TV Forums

puzzles & riddles

Visa & Migration to other Countries

Image posting Issues

Bedlam

 

Have you ever met a gay welsh toolmaker?  You'll find one on Dai Grindr 

 

"I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time.

So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."

 

"I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.

When I got there, the guy was locking the front door.

I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.'

He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'"

 

"If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast to the back of a cat and drop it?"

 

Easiest job in the world of course:

Australian psychiatrist, "G'day G'day how you doing… no worries… next."

 

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.

They're trained for that!

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"

The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.

The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!" The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."

The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"

The bartender, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.

The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims.

 

 

"I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"