Worst Joke Ever

[Stan42]

Q: When do blind people know when to stop wiping their ass?

A: They don't, that's their dog's job.

[metisdead]

Some inappropriate posts have been removed:

8) You will not post disruptive or inflammatory messages, vulgarities, obscenities or profanities.

[laislica]

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise reduction turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

**************************

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm <deleted> bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was <deleted> bored, not <deleted> stupid!"

***************************

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

*************************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.

If you are not able, take the Guadelupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

******************************

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

*****************************

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

*******************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

******************************

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[laislica]

Facebook is officially bringing the dislike button out.

What a perfect opportunity to ruin someone's wedding album.

[laislica]

If women are so good at multi-tasking, why can't they have sex and a headache at the same time?

[laislica]

[laislica]

[laislica]

[Wasima]

How do you make a woman moan during sex?

Wipe your dick on the curtains.

LOLOLOL This one made me spit my coffee all over my pc screen! Thanks!

[laislica]

A grandson came to visit his grandparents & noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocker, wearing only a shirt, naked from the waist down.

"Grandpa, whatcha' doing? You're weenie's out in the wind for all to see!" he exclaimed.

Grandpa looked off in the distance, not answering.

"Grandpa, whatcha' doin' sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

Grandpa looked at him & said, "Last week I sat here with no shirt on & got a stiff neck. This is grandma's idea..."

[loong]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together in his groin.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him "How does that feel?"

He replied "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[laislica]

[chiang mai]

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.

-----------------------------------------------------------

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did..... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "paedophile" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely

spoiled our 10th anniversary.

-----------------------------------------------------------

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

-----------------------------------------------------------

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend...
Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.
Or in other words........... B..I.G.T.I.T.S.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in.
Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick.
It's great though. It does everything –
KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."

-----------------------------------------------------------

Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?
17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

-----------------------------------------------------------

On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?"

Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakistanis, Somalians, single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking people"
isn't the right answer.
They've sent my form back.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.

-----------------------------------------------------------

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 clothes pegs back.

[laislica]

Great to see that the ladybird books of our youth are keeping up with the times....

[nikmar]

Julius Ceaser offers his friend , Brutus, his pack of Polo mints.

On being given the pack back he looked at it and declared "Et tu Brutus!"

[mca]

A clown turned up late for work on his first day and got sacked from the circus.

He’s suing for funfair dismissal.

[mca]

BREAKING NEWS

The worker who fell into the upholstery machine at the furniture factory is now fully recovered.

[mca]

Bought myself a universal remote control last night.
This could change everything.

[nikmar]

So I had an orange lined up for my lunch but it hopped off my plate and ran for it. I eventually caught it again. You see, it ran out juice.

[mca]

I met a sexy gypsy girl in a pub who said if I went back to her place she'd give me the ride of my life.

Christ she wasn't kidding. I went on the dodgem cars, the carousel, the waltzer...

[AhFarangJa]

Subject: THE LODGER

A Welsh couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although
if she wanted one, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get
undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her,
so she said:

"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden.
I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously
endowed in the hair department ...very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the bloody darts team hadn't!"

[mca]

So I had an orange lined up for my lunch but it hopped off my plate and ran for it. I eventually caught it again. You see, it ran out juice.

Truly grim nikmar mate!

[laislica]

I thought that my vasectomy would stop my wife from getting pregnent.

Apparently, it just changes the colour of the baby!

[riceyummm]

[nikmar]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

[laislica]

Cost me a feking fortune this week,

my Facebook went down so I had to phone everyone to see what they were having for tea.

[laislica]

[nikmar]

So a fisherman meets a magician and says "pick a cod, any cod."

[nikmar]

A boy in maths class was disrupting the lesson by flicking chewed up paper at the teacher with a ruler. The teacher confist......confictic......confiscik......took the ruler off the boy

as it was a weapon of math destruction.

[chiang mai]

What's the category beyond grim!