Worst Joke Ever

[Wilsonandson]

A Welshman, an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.

Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said... ''Meow'.'

"Just cats," he thought.

He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said... ''Woof'.'

"Just dogs," he thought.

As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said... ''Potatoes!''

[loong]

Jesus went out to celebrate his Birthday and met this stunning beauty.

They ended up at his place and were doing he deed.

They were going at it hammer and tongs and she was getting really vocal.

Suddenly Jesus went limp.

"What's the matter honey?" she asks.

"Well, it's a bit off-putting when you get excited and start screaming my Dad's name"

[loong]

So Jesus was sentenced to be nailed to a cross.

"I told you that you should have cut your hair and worn a suit and tie" his lawyer reproached

[White Christmas13]

It's game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court. He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there. He responds, "No, the seat's empty." "The first man exclaims, "What?!? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?" The neighbor responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven't been together." The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that. Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?" The neighbor responds, "No, they're all at the funeral."

[White Christmas13]

Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet? Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!!

[White Christmas13]

Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing. The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green. Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole. The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I really think I'm leaving Dad at home next time!"

[White Christmas13]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

[White Christmas13]

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

[White Christmas13]

Three nuns are talking. The first nun says, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nun asks. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun says, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasp the other nuns. "What did you do?" they ask. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replies. The third nun faints.

[White Christmas13]

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

[White Christmas13]

Q: Why is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day?

A: Because there are lots of fans.

[White Christmas13]

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

[White Christmas13]

A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart. I could send you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would!” He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, “Brad Pitt? Hell ya, he’s the hottest guy ever!” Next, the boy asks his brother who replies, “A million dollars? Hell yes I would. I’d be rich!” When the boy excitedly returns to his dad with the family’s responses, the dad says, “Well son, potentially, we have three million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer.”

[Wilsonandson]

TOP 10 WORST PICKUP LINES

1. You look like a hooker I knew in Phoenix.

2. You remind me of my dead ex-girlfriend.

3. If you were a booger I'd pick you first.

4. You look just like my mama. I love my mama.

5. Gross! Somebody farted. Let's get out of here.

6. Hey, baby, wanna go halves on a bastard?

7. So... is it safe to say I'm gonna get lucky tonight?

8. You'll do.

9. Wow! Are those real?

10. For a fat girl, you sure don't sweat much.

Edited January 1, 2016 by Wilsonandson

[Wilsonandson]

I used to be a big beer drinker. If you were to ask me what's my favorite beer, I probably would have said, 'I don't know, the fifth one, I guess.' That's the one that makes me good looking and clever and even wise, and those are important qualities to have when it's noon and you're drinking alone on your couch.

Edited January 1, 2016 by Wilsonandson

[Wilsonandson]

My phone rings -- my home phone -- and I don't answer it. Half a second later, my cell phone goes off. It's like, what part of 'I'm masturbating' don't you get?

[White Christmas13]

Did you hear about the blonde that got excited? She finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months, when the box said, "two to four years."

[White Christmas13]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

[White Christmas13]

Two guys were playing golf. On the tee, Jack hit his shot way left of the fairway in some buttercups. Bob proceeded to hit and his ball went way off to the right in the bushes. Jack eventually found his ball and proceeded to hit in the buttercups. All of a sudden, he heard a big *POOF* and a fairy appeared. She proceeded to say to Jack that she was Mother Nature and that she was really upset at him for damaging the buttercups. She said, ''Jack, for all the damage that you did to my buttercups, you will not have any butter to put on your toast in the morning for the next month. No, as a matter of fact, I am so upset at you that you won't have any butter for the whole next year! That should teach you a lesson so you won't hurt my creations." *POOF* She disappeared. Jack, stunned by what just happened, called out, "Bob! Bob! Come over here here quick!" Bob replied, "Wait a sec. I'm hitting my shot and I'll be right over." Jack yelled back at Bob, "Where are you?" Bob answered, "I'm over here in the pussy willows." Jack shouted back, "Don't swing Bob! For the love of God, don't swing!"

[joboss]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

Does he live at 201 Emptysac Drive?

I think my Nephew delivered a pizza there last week.

[White Christmas13]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

Does he live at 201 Emptysac Drive?

I think my Nephew delivered a pizza there last week.

[Wilsonandson]

Dr. Dave slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while, he'd hear an internal voice that said, "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go."

But invariably, the other voice would bring him back to reality.

"But Dave, you're a vet."

[Ron19]

A man was reading the morning newspaper when an ad caught his eye. The ad clearly announced, "Porche For Sale. New! $500!". The man thought it was very unusual to sell a Porche for $500 and figured it was probably a joke, but thought he'd check it out anyhow.

He went to the house of the woman who was selling the Porche and she led him into the garage. Much to his surprise, inside the garage was an almost brand new Porche.

"Wow! "Would it be all right if I take it for a test drive?" he asked, feeling sure that there must be something terribly wrong with the car.

"Sure," the woman said. Unlike what he expected, the car ran perfectly. When he got back to her house, he asked, "Why are you selling this great car for only $500?"

The woman laughed and replied, "Well, my husband just ran off with his receptionist and he told me I could have the house and the furniture, but I was to sell his Porche and send him the money!"

[Wilsonandson]

Funny meme.

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

Jesus and Moses out golfing again. Jesus tees up at a short 3 par with a water hazard right in the middle of the fairway. He get out his 9 iron and Moses says: "That's not enough club for you Jesus."

Jesus: "This is how Arnold Palmer does it."

Moses: "I'm telling you that's not enough club."

Jesus: "And I'm telling you this is how Arnold Palmer does it!"

Moses: "Suit yourself, up to you."

So Jesus swings and the ball goes almost straight up then lands in the water.

Jesus: "I'm gonna take that one over." and heads for the water.

Moses: "Stay here, I'll get it."

Moses goes to the water, parts it and walks down to retrieved the ball. He gives the ball to Jesus who tees up and grabs his 9 iron again.

Moses: "How many times do I have to tell you the 9's not enough club?"

Jesus: "AND HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS IS HOW ARNOLD PALMER DOES IT?"

Jesus swings, the ball goes almost straight up and lands in the water.

Jesus: "I'll get this one."

He's walking around on top of the water when a foursome arrives at the tee.

Golfer looking at Jesus walking on the water says "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"

Moses: "No, unfortunately he thinks he's Arnold Palmer."

[riceyummm]

AAAAWWW!

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]