Better the Devil you know .. . .

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and chatting among friends.

Suddenly, in a flash of light, Satan appeared in front of the congregation!

Everyone started screaming and running for the exits, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly cowboy who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The old cowboy replied, 'Yep, sure do'.

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the cowboy.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old cowboy.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The old cowboy calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

Q: What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

A: He wiped his bum.

Q: Why do nursing homes give the male patients Viagra?

A: To keep them from rolling out of bed.

Hitler and his associates are having a discussion. Hitler says, "Kill 6 million Jews and a cat." One of his associates replies, "Mein Fuhrer, why must we kill a cat?" Hitler then exclaims, "See, no one cares about the Jews."

What's the favorite pick up line in a gay bar? Can I push your stool in?

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the ‘Senior Special’ was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

“Sounds good,” my wife said, “but I don’t want the eggs.”

“Then I’ll have to charge you $3.49 because you’re ordering a la carte”, the waitress told her.

“You mean I’d have to pay more for not taking the eggs?” my wife asked incredulously.

“Yes,” the waitress answered.

“I’ll take the special then” my wife said.

“How do you want your eggs?” the waitress asked my wife.

“Raw and in the shell,” my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

A good reminder to all of us:

never mess with senior citizens!

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I read that, by law, you have to turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden. How am I supposed to know if it's raining in Sweden?

NUDITY

My kids have always been observant of their surroundings,

but they tend to pick out details no one else would notice.

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening

when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved, she was stark naked!

As I was reeling from the shock,

I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat,

"Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.

The note read,

"The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.

During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4,-year-old daughter to answer the phone.

"Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.

She's hitting the bottle."

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room,

when he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,

"What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school,

I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.

Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes,"

I answered and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"

"Yes, that's right," I told her.

"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me,

"would you please tie my shoe?"

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.

As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me

"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "

It sure is," I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.

Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins,

I used to take my 4,-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.

She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.

As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,

"The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party,

when she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,

"Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."

"And why not, darling?"

"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.

Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.

Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:

"Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goes."

A little girl had just finished her first week of school.

I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother.

"I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. what he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?"

with astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,

"I think it's Adam's underwear !

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees. The pond
was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to
look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a
five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping
in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went
to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligators."

George W. Bush and his VP running mate, Dick Cheney, were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb jokes people tell about me." Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you." Cheney took George W. outside and hailed a taxi driver. "Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney. The cab driver, without saying a word, drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy was really stupid!" "No kidding," replied George W., "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."

Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Hell?" "Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary." "Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."

This pearl of history may have escaped you...

I've always been a student of history but I didn't know this...

In 1272, the Arab Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

Don't thank me, I do this as a public service for the advancement of education.

Subject: Jihadist gets run over by ex-girlfriend

https://gfycat.com/FaroffCraftyHare

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.