Worst Joke Ever

[Wilsonandson]

Me

[riceyummm]

First...let me apologize for this post....

[sandmike]

That has to be the worst use for a chrome pole *ever* ...

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[ozsamurai]

https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=1104684846256932

[White Christmas13]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman stepped out. The father, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother".

[White Christmas13]

A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.

As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."

The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business.

After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver's seat and stared out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

[White Christmas13]

It's two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says, "Hello?... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and prompty slams the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"

The husband replies. "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

[Ron19]

THE GLOBAL RECESSION

The recession has hit everybody really hard.

CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

The Guptas laid off 25 Parliamentarians.

I met a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your cheque marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

MacDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Sandton fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of South Africans was caught sneaking into Zimbabwe.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

I lay awake last night, depressed about the economy, Brexit, wars, jobs, my savings, retirement funds, etc. I called the suicide hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if ​I could ​drive a truck

[White Christmas13]

don't like to post a smilie but this was great

[Ron19]

Just before he was put under, the surgeon dropped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God, no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc what's the good news?

"The good news is I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"Not only that," continued the golfer "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in water colours."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem" said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection I also get a headache."

[White Christmas13]

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, EVER have sex again - the strain would be too much.

The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.

This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs - she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.

"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide."

"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"

[White Christmas13]

One day God and Adam were walking in the garden. God told Adam it was time to populate the earth.

He told Adam, "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." Adam replied "God, what is a kiss?"

God told Adam and Adam went and took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam came back out with a big smile and said "Wow Lord! That was great!! What next?"

God said, "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Adam says, "Lord what is a caress?" God explained it to Adam and he again took her behind the bush.

A little while later, he came out and said "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What next." God said, "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to take Eve and make love to her."

Adam said "Lord, what is to make love?" God explained and Adam took Eve behind the bush and a few seconds later came out and said "Lord, what is a headache?"

[White Christmas13]

A couple of pals had the following conversation recently:

"Hey Larry, going away on holiday again?"

"Yes, but you know how I've asked you the past 3 years for vacation ideas for me and my wife?"

"Sure, I recall that."

"I need to ask for something a little different this year."

"Go ahead ... ask me."

"Well, you know how last year you suggested Hawaii and when I returned my wife was pregnant?"

"Yes."

"And the year before that you suggested Bermuda and when I returned my wife was pregnant?"

"Yes."

"And the year before that when I went to Bali, when I returned my wife was pregnant?"

"Yes"

"Well, could you suggest something cheaper this year, so that I can bring her with me?"

[Crossy]

Once again my keyboard is full of beer ...

[nikmar]

[riceyummm]

[Thaiwine]

Tinnie - That's what I like about Outback Queensland

Bluey goes to an outdoor show and wins a tinnie. He bought it home and his wife looks at him and says,
"What are you going to do with that? There's no water deep enough to float a boat within 160 kms of here."

He says "I won it and I'm gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is.

She says "He's out there in his tinnie" pointing out to the paddock behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of paddock sitting in the

tinnie with a fishing rod in his hand....

He yells out to him "What are you doing?"

The brother replies "I'm fishing. What the hell does it look like I'm doing?"

His brother yells "It's people like you that give people from Queensland a bad name, making

everybody think we are stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your arse."

[Daffy D]

I thought a tinnie was a can of beer

Many years ago some friend of mine from Australia came to visit and showed me pictures of an annual canoe race in their outback town.

Problem was that most of the years there was no water in the local creak so they would make canoe's with holes in the bottom for their legs to go through and race down the track holding the canoes up round their waists.

True I saw the pictures.

[Ron19]

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. Perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?"
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed, and the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down with a furrowed brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye no' think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"