Worst Joke Ever

[Wilsonandson]

[Wilsonandson]

[laislica]

On 28/07/2016 at 0:05 PM, laislica said:

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green Massey Ferguson tractor.
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.
"What the heck are you doing Mick?" says Paddy.
"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me", says an obviously embarrassed Mick,
"but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department,
and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.

[laislica]

What's happened to this thread?

It used to work fine but now??????

 

[laislica]

Testing to see if the jpg gets attached.....

[laislica]

The phone rings, and the wife answers..
A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight <deleted> with no hair?"

The wife replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"

[laislica]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want".
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini".
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

He reads the paper and starts laughing. "No Sister, he laughs, this says 'Sahara Pipeline, laid by 500 men in 7 days'!"

[Ron19]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and ...

inform them if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was

that there was no after-life at all.


After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Marion .... Marion ... "


"Is that you, Tom?"


"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."


"That's wonderful! What's it like?"


"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then

it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun

and then have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be

proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then

pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's

back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night.

I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all

over again".


"Oh, Tom! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere near Mildura."

[laislica]

  Please share.

If you have dated, known, work with or are related to, married to (or divorced from) or have children with, someone who suffers from being a <deleted> idiot.

We all need to understand, being a <deleted> idiot is real and must be taken seriously.

You could be sitting next to a <deleted> idiot right now.

There is still no known cure for being a <deleted> idiot, and sympathy does not help.

Sometimes a piece of 2 by 4 to the back of the head helps, but not a lot.

But we can raise awareness! 53% won't repost this because they don't know how to copy and paste!!!!

<deleted> idiots!

[Wilsonandson]

Funny Tech.

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

 

 

 

 

For inveterate airline passengers full story here:

 

 

http://www.cbc.ca/beta/comedy/funnystuff/air-canada-to-start-charging-for-emotional-baggage-in-2017-1.3631162

 

 

[laislica]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

[laislica]

[White Christmas13]

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Minnesota as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's just finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Leon... Your neighbor from four miles away... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come." 

"Great," says Sam. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. 

Thank you." As Leon is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'." 

"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." 

Again, as he starts to leave Leon stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin'too." 

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." 

Once again Leon turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." 

"Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there...by the way, what should I wear?" 

Leon stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
 

[White Christmas13]

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. 

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?" 

"Well, we work for the county," one of the men said. 

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?" 

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us -- me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back." 

"Now, just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work."
 

[laislica]

[laislica]

Donating blood in Scotland

A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, in appreciation for giving his blood, the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ...
but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins."

[laislica]

Jack goes into a chemist's shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon.

He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. "Could you taste this, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does it taste sweet?" asks Jack.

"No, not at all," says the chemist. "Good," says Jack.

"The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

[laislica]

[laislica]

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.

He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not to far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line.

It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck.

But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.

This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.

He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble.

You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."

So, the boy spit a glob into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

[White Christmas13]

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search
Of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store,
She notices a box FULL of frogs. 

The sign says: 

'SEX FROGS' 

“Only $20 each! 
Comes with ‘complete' instructions.”

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's
Watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind
The counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her,
'Just follow the instructions!'

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully.
She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1.Take a shower.
2.Splash on some nice perfume.
3.Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4.Crawl into bed, place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens!

The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.
She re-reads the Instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions.
The damn frog just SITS there!'

The man . . . Looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:

“LISTEN TO ME!! 

I'm only going to show you how to do this 

ONE ... MORE ... TIME!!!”
 

[White Christmas13]

This hillbilly kid goes into a drugstore and asks the druggist for a box of condoms. 

The druggist says, "How old are you, son?" 

The kid replies, "Eleven." 

"I can't sell you any condoms," the druggist says. "You're too young." 

The kid says, "Gimme some rubbers or I'll call a cop." 

"All right, cool it," the druggists says to the kid. "What kind of condoms do you want?" 

The kid tells him, "Gimme the French ticklers." 

The druggist says, "Listen, kid. Do you know what one of those things will do to a woman?" 

"No," the kid replies, "but I hear they make a sheep jump pretty high!" 
 

[White Christmas13]

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, " I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, " But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards it. 

"Two dogs, please." Says the mother superior. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'. The mother superior is first to open hers, then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part of the dog did you get?"
 

[White Christmas13]

 

A man and wife attended church one evening, and the wife decided that it was time to stop her husband from sleeping in Church. So, she took her hat pin and decided she would poke him every time he fell asleep. Right about the first time he falls asleep, the preacher asks, "And who created the Universe?" The wife poked her husband and he awakes and yells, "My God!" 

The second time he falls asleep, the preacher asks, "And who died on the cross for you?" She pokes her husband and he screams, "Jesus Christ!" 

The third time, the Preacher asks, " And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" 

The wife pokes her husband and he jumps up and yells, "By God, if you poke me with that thing one more time, I am going to break it OFF!"
 

[White Christmas13]

A young woman brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. 

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies. 

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" 

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." 

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. 

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." 

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" 

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee. 

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. 

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" 

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
 

[White Christmas13]

Pea soup 

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably. 

The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?" 

The other missionary said, "I just peed in the soup!"
 

[Inn Between]

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr-old scotch. 
The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 6-year-old scotch. 

The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender: "I said 12-year-old scotch, you bozo!" 

Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 8-year old scotch. The patron takes a sip...same reaction. But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year-old scotch. 

Again, same reaction from the patron. 

Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied. 

All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkenly says: "Shay mishter, you think yur sho good, huh? Tashte this and tell me all about it!" 

Annoyed and wanting to quickly get rid of the drunk, the patron obliges...he promptly spits it out. "It tastes like piss," he shoots back at the drunk. 

The drunk replies: "It ish. So how old am I?"

[laislica]

I once gave my husband the 
silent treatment for an entire week,

at the end of which he declared,

“Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”

[laislica]

On the first night of their 
honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up.

After some soul-searching, the 
husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.”

She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.”

Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”