Worst Joke Ever

[Phronesis]

A grasshopper hops into a fancy nightclub and up to the bar.

The bartender looks at him in amazement and says "You won't believe this, but I have just mixed a cocktail with exactly the same name as you".

The grasshopper looked rather puzzled and replied "You just mixed an Eric?"

[kiwiinasia]

What does an aussie shella use as a vibrator?

An empty coke bottle filled with flies.

Sent from someplace that is near a wifi point!

[Ron19]

I had just pulled into a parking spot at the huge home improvement store when smoke and flames began pouring from under my hood.

Frantic, I bolted into the store and ran up to the first clerk I saw. As luck would have it, he was standing behind the courtesy counter.

"Please help," I gasped. "My car's on fire! I need a fire extinguisher!"

Without even looking up, he replied, "Aisle 12."

[Ron19]

A tomato and a lettuice had a race. The lettuice was a head, and the tomato had to ketchup

[kevjohn]

Two rival cricketers got talking. “The local team wants me to play for them badly” said the first cricketer.

“That’s cool, you are the perfect man for the job,” said the other.

[kevjohn]

The conceited batsman was at the crease.

He turned to the wicket-keeper after he played a stroke that he thought was elegant.

“Tell me, my man, just out of interest. How many great players would you say there are that play so elegantly?”

“Oh!” replied the wicket keeper without blinking, “one less than you think.”

[kevjohn]

A young opener was just not connecting.

Lucky to be at the crease after 4 overs, he looked at the overworked wicket keeper and said “Well, I wonder if you have seen worse players than me?”

The wicket keeper didn’t say anything.

The batsman was irritable. He said “I expect you have seen worse players than me.”

“I heard you the first time mate! I just couldn't think of any…”

[Ron19]

A young opener was just not connecting.

Lucky to be at the crease after 4 overs, he looked at the overworked wicket keeper and said “Well, I wonder if you have seen worse players than me?”

The wicket keeper didn’t say anything.

The batsman was irritable. He said “I expect you have seen worse players than me.”

“I heard you the first time mate! I just couldn't think of any…”

That sounds like me in my playing days.Who told you?I didn't think anybody else would have heard me.

[kevjohn]

A young opener was just not connecting.

Lucky to be at the crease after 4 overs, he looked at the overworked wicket keeper and said “Well, I wonder if you have seen worse players than me?”

The wicket keeper didn’t say anything.

The batsman was irritable. He said “I expect you have seen worse players than me.”

“I heard you the first time mate! I just couldn't think of any…”

That sounds like me in my playing days.Who told you?I didn't think anybody else would have heard me.

Can't be you. He was talking to me.

Don't think I ever got past first ball.

[kevjohn]

The Cricket Captain was feeling really p#@sed off with the poor fielding by his team.

They blew every chance and missed every save.

One day, he told them he was taking them fishing to a small pond.

“Why?” they wanted to know.

“Just to make sure you know what it is like to catch something” he said.

Edited August 28, 2012 by kevjohn

[Ron19]

An Australian in Ireland

________________________

An Australian was in Ireland. On his way to Belfast, he stopped

at a bar and asked one of the locals, "What's the quickest way

to Belfast?" The Irishmen asked, "Are you walking or driving?"

The Australian replied, "I'm driving!" The Irishman said, "Aye,

that'd be the quickest way!"

[warfie]

An Australian in Ireland

________________________

An Australian was in Ireland. On his way to Belfast, he stopped

at a bar and asked one of the locals, "What's the quickest way

to Belfast?" The Irishmen asked, "Are you walking or driving?"

The Australian replied, "I'm driving!" The Irishman said, "Aye,

that'd be the quickest way!"

that's too good for this thread!

[Ron19]

1) What do you call an Australian with 100 by his name? A bowler.

2) Why can't Aussies open bottles? Because they don't have any openers.

3) What do you call an Australian with a bottle of champagne in his hand? A waiter.

4) What do you call a world class Australian? Retired.

5) What do you get if you cross the Australian cricket team with an Oxo cube? Laughing stock

[kevjohn]

Some one liners

Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.

Edited August 30, 2012 by kevjohn

[kevjohn]

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that

his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar.

The bartender recognized him and asked,

"Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"

[kevjohn]

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other:

"If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"

"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."

"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"

"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.

"What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow.

"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"

"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!"

[Ron19]

A man was relieving himself out in the bush when he got bitten by a snake. His friend rushed to him on hearing his cry of pain and asked what was the matter.

‘I’ve just been bitten on the backside by a snake!’

The friend whipped out his mobile phone to call the doctor, but couldn’t get a signal. So, he had to move away some distance before he had any success. The doctor said:

‘You must suck the poison out, or your friend will be dead in ten minutes!’

He went back to the patient. who asked:

‘What’d the doctor say, mate?’

‘He said you’re gonna be bloody dead in ten minutes!

[Ron19]

An American was knocked unconscious in a serious accident

while traveling in Australia. The ambulance took him to a

local hospital for treatment.

While he finally woke up he asked the nurse, "Was I brought

here to die?"

"No," said the nurse. "You were brought in here yesterday."

[Ron19]

Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator. They follow his every move for months, and find out that every day at noon he goes outside and does his stretching exercises.

So the assassins set up shop right across the street, get all of their sights set, load the guns, and have everything ready to go.

Noon comes, no dictator… 10 minutes longer… no dictator.

One assassin turns to the other and says, “Gee, I hope nothing happened to him.

[Ron19]

A blonde was admitted to hospital today after having phone sex. Doctors managed to remove 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and one Samsung, but no Siemen was found !

[kevjohn]

In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?

[kevjohn]

Computers are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open Windows.

[kevjohn]

Some tourists in the Denver Natural History Museum are marveling at the dinosaur bones.

One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old those dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

[Daffy D]

Man: Where you come from son?

Boy: Thailand sir!

Man: Mmm! that's interesting what part?

Boy: All of me sir!

[Ron19]

Sign In a pet shop window:

"Free legless parakeet. No perches necessary."

[Ron19]

So I got home, and the phone was ringing, I picked it up, and said: "Who's speaking please?"

And a voice said: "You are."

[kevjohn]

. Phone answering machine message -

"...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

[kevjohn]

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

[kevjohn]

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

[kevjohn]

• Q: What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
  
• A: If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.