Ron19 Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 Things go better with Coke An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, the Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash. The Chief said, "You betcha!" When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi." The Rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi." Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief replied, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi." After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you...you know...eat, their...'things'?" The chief says, "No." "No?" asked the rescuer. "No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BB1950 Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 Yes, plain text, very good. Yes, much better for us old guys who can't see as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anon21 Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 Breaking news: Bill Clinton really was innocent. An old White House tape has just been discovered. What he really said was: "Hold my calls and sack my cook." Greetings from over the Silver Sea Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron19 Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 "Bartender, there's a fly in my..." joke An Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing a few nut-brown ale. While they're sitting around blankly staring at their mugs, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker. Suddenly "buzzzplooop," each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different glass. The Englishman gives a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out with a spoon, flicks it over his shoulder, and drains the glass. The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer down in one gulp. They both look on amazed as the Scotsman carefully grasps the fly by its wings, gently lifts it and shakes it off. Then he says to the fly in a quiet voice, "There y'are now laddie, SPIT IT OOOOT!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warfie Posted July 25, 2012 Author Share Posted July 25, 2012 Breaking news: Bill Clinton really was innocent. An old White House tape has just been discovered. What he really said was: "Hold my calls and sack my cook." Greetings from over the Silver Sea Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine51 Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 I was in the jungle and I saw a monkey with a tin opener. I said: "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." The monkey replied: "I know that, silly. This is for the custard." Greetings from over the Silver Sea Fella walks into a fancy dress party almost completely naked except for a custard pie strapped in front of his penis. A lady dressed as the Jolly Green Bimbo (Green Giants Wife) walks up to him and asks..."Now just what are you supposed to be? The fella replies...I'm <deleted>%^$*&g disgusted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine51 Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine51 Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what do you feel like for dinner my love ...... chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, ' chicken please' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat ba#$^%d, I was talking to the cat!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine51 Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him England. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine51 Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 A Man's in bed with his Thai girlfriend. After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions. Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that?' She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine51 Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 Husband to wife..."let's try anal sex tonight." Wife to husband..."screw that s$%t." Husband back to wife..."that's the spirit." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine51 Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. That's all for this month... where's my coat? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warfie Posted July 25, 2012 Author Share Posted July 25, 2012 He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. That's all for this month... where's my coat? Get your own coat... "BRRRTTT!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nurofiend Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 It's been hard getting over my Hokey Cokey addiction but I've turned myself around and that's what its all about Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thaddeus Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 A farmer walks into the marital bedroom with a sheep tucked under his arm and says "That's the pig I have to sleep with when you have a headache" The wife in the bed says "That's a sheep" He says "I was talking to the sheep" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anon21 Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 Let's groan again, dear friends Q: What do you get if you cross a cowboy with an octopus? A: Billy the Squid Greetings from over the Silver Sea Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron19 Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts. "Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try." After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. "Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?" "Yesterday?" I replied. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron19 Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area." "Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron19 Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 A man named Bill woke up on his birthday. His wife and kids didn't even say good morning to him. So, he left for work in a huff. His receptionist, Joanna, said happy birthday. "Thanks, Joanna. That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all day." Bill relied, pleased. So he worked until his lunch break, when Joanna asked if he fancied a lunch. Instead of taking their usual lunch just outside, they went to a big beautiful bistro. " My apartment is just around the corner. Would you like to visit?" Joanna asked. "Sure, why not?" Bill replied. At her apartment, Bill sat down on the couch. Joanna said she'd be right back and stepped into the bedroom. Minutes later, she came back out followed by Bills family, friends, and co-workers. Bill just sat there... naked. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stoneyboy Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 Two snowmen in a garden,one turns to the other and says,can you smell carrots. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anon21 Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 Q: What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law? A: About 2.3 pounds, including the urn. Greetings from over the Silver Sea Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine51 Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 A couple more.... The Little Lizard & The Koala; On a hot day this little lizard decided to take a walk along the banks of a river. As he walked along he spotted this Koala sitting on a branch up in a gum tree. Being curious the little lizard asked the Koala: "Whatcha doin up there?" The Koala replied: "Smokin a joint, wanna join me?" "Sure" replied the little lizard and he scampered up the tree & sat next to the Koala. They sat there for a long time, smoked a lotta joints, checked out the scenery and then the little lizard realised that his mouth was very dry so he tells the Koala he's gonna go down the tree and get a drink from the river. As the little lizard gets to his feet he realises that he's very stoned and leans a bit too far over the tree branch and falls smack into the river. A huge crocodile sees the little lizard struggling, swims over and gives the little feller a ride on his back over to the river bank. The croc then asks the little lizard what happened and the little lizard replies: "I was up in a gum tree smoking a joint with a Koala when my mouth got really dry & I was very thirsty and really stoned then the next thing I knew I was fallin into the river." "Hmmmm" says the old croc..."I better go check this out" and the croc heads over into the forest and looks up at the Koala in the gum tree. The croc yells out: "Hey You" and the Koala gazes wide eyed down at the croc in amazement and says: "WoooooWWWW Man...How much water did you drink?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine51 Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Beehive matches...his little face lit up when he tried to walk...Unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine51 Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful gits. All I said was, 'hurry up for God's sake ............... Some of us have got homes to go to!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine51 Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine51 Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives: 1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. 2. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. 3. A dog's parents never visit. 4. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. 5. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day. 6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk. 7. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting. To test this theory: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine51 Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 The secret to a Happy Life... A wise man told me the secret to a happy life... It consists of 5 steps: 1) Find a woman who is independent and confident, 2) One who has a good job and is self-sufficient, 3) One who is great in bed, 4) One who can cook and clean, 5) and be dam_n sure those 4 women never meet. 6)...Coat firmly in me grasp I shall depart the venue. OK..it was more than just a "couple"...sue me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anon21 Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 Q: Why don't owls mate in the rain? A: Because it's too wet to woo. Greetings from over the Silver Sea Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron19 Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 I-phone A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?" He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shah! I accidentally answered the iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TomTao Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 Q. How do you make a cat go woof? A. Cover it with petrol and light a match. Q. How do you make a dog go meow? A. Put it in the deep freeze then start up the bansaw. Meeeeeeooooooooow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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