Worst Joke Ever

[White Christmas13]

Three guys go on a skiing holiday together and to save money they rented only one room. After a full day on the slopes, they return to their room, exhausted and cold. 

To keep warm, they all sleep in the same bed. The next morning, the guy on one side of the bed says he had a funny dream that some one was jerking him off. The guy on the other side of the bed said that he had the same dream! The the guy in the middle said, "I had a dream last night, too. But I only dreamt that I was skiing."
 

[White Christmas13]

Four married men were golfing. While at the fourth hole, the first man said, "you have no idea what I had to go through to get to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend." 

The second guy said "That nothing. I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool." 

The third guy said "Man, you guys have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her." 

They continued to play several more holes when they realized that the fourth guy had not said a word about how he managed to get out of the house. So the first guy said, "You haven't said a word about what you had to do to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?" 

The fourth guy smiled and said "Well, I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave my wife a nudge and said 'Golf course or intercourse?' and she said 'Wear your sweater'" 
 

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The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words.
She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.

"Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words?" After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday.
"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon-day. Does anyone know another word?"

Johnny from the back of the room yells "I do! I do!" Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humour she picks Mike instead.
"OK Mike, what is your word". "Saturday" says Mike. "Great. Sat-ur-day. That has three syllables..."

Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says "OK Johnny what is your four syllable word?"

Johnny proudly says "Mast-ur-ba-tion". Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables!
That's certainly is a mouthful". "No Ma'am, you're thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables".

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[White Christmas13]

Top 10 Caddy Comments 

10. Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake! 
Caddy: Think you can keep your head down that long? 

9. Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course! 
Caddy: Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth! 

8. Golfer: Do you think my game is improving? 
Caddy: Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now! 

7. Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron? 
Caddy: Eventually! 

6. Golfer: You've got to be the worst caddy in the world! 
Caddy: I don't think so. That would be too much of a coincidence! 

5. Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's toomuch of a distraction.
Caddy: It's not a watch, it's a compass! 

4. Golfer: How do you like my game? 
Caddy: Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf. 

3. Golfer: Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday? 
Caddy: The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day. 

2. Golfer: This is the worst course I've ever played on.
Caddy: This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago. 

And the #1 best caddy comment: 

Golfer: That can't be my ball, it's too old. 
Caddy: It's been a long time since we teed off, sir. 
 

[White Christmas13]

The husband didn't want to play in the "Couples Alternate Shot Tournament" at the club, but he reluctantly agreed just for the sake of martial harmony. 

He got the first shot. He teed off, a par four, and fired a drive 300 yard down the middle of the fairway. 

When they reached the ball, he said to his wife (a novice golfer), "Just hit it towards the green, hon, anywhere around there will be fine." 

She proceeded to knock the ball deep into the woods. 

Undaunted, he said, "That's ok, dear, we'll play it." He spent five full minutes looking for the ball. He played it for the shot of his life and actually put the ball just two feet from the hole on the green. 

Arriving on the green he said, "Now, dear, all you have to do is knock it gently into the hole." She whacked it a good one, right off the green and into a sand trap. 

The husband, still retaining his composure, marched into the sand trap, summoned all of his skill, and amazingly holed the shot from there. 

Retrieving the ball from the hole he put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey -- one over par -- but that's ok. I think we can do better on the next hole." 

She snapped back at him, "Don't bitch at ME. Only *2* of those *5* shots were mine!" 

 

[laislica]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come !

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[White Christmas13]

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" 

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
 

[White Christmas13]

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95. 

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid a collision. 

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision. 

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. 

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. 

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. 

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. 

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call. 
 

[White Christmas13]

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. 

"So, did you jump?" the father asked. 

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!" 

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. 

"Hmm, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door." 

"Did you jump then?" asked the father. 

"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass." 

"So, did you jump?" 

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed on to the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this baby up where the sun doesn't shine.'" 

"So, did you jump?" asked the father. 

"Well, a little, at first."