I didn't get any money this time
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

 

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

 

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

 

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

 

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

 

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

 

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

 

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

 

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

You looked a lot like my wife
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." 

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. 

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her." 
 

Making a bet at a bar
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
 

A nun arrives at the local bar
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. 

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" 

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. 

"How do you know this, Sister?" 

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" 

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself" 

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" 

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" 

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. 

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?" 
 

The requirements of this job

Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
 

Paying in advance

A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth. 

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out." 

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. 

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now." 
 

Bad Japanese economy

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.