Worst Joke Ever

[laislica]

The Harley-Davidson Facts

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson
motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
 

 God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!


'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>, 

 

 

 

 

 

  >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> MORE MEN ARE RIDING MY INVENTION THAN YOURS"

 

[Rob13]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

 

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

 

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

 

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

 

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

 

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

 

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

[riceyummm]

Saw this at Do Home yesterday.......SHOCKING!

 

 

[riceyummm]

What Would Jesus Tweet?

 

 

[Rob13]

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to
the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks,
"What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

"What are the three tests?" asks the man

"Gotta pay first."

So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole
bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't
make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out
back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare
hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an
orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an
idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"

The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he
gets up his nerve.

"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.

He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it,
gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make
a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge
scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the
bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"

[White Christmas13]

Microsoft hidden settings 

[White Christmas13]

[White Christmas13]

[laislica]

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest but explaining they were not a dating agency.

[laislica]

[White Christmas13]

[White Christmas13]

[White Christmas13]

What is your name?

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry." 

"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How in hell does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. 

The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?'" The old man answers, "Is name of owner." 

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me...is right here," replies the old man. 

"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?" 

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say,'Hans Olaffsen.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'" 

"I say Sem Ting." 
 

[White Christmas13]

[laislica]

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

https://www.facebook.com/207637710559/videos/2653352304271/

Edited October 31, 2016 by riceyummm

[laislica]

[White Christmas13]

[White Christmas13]

[White Christmas13]

[laislica]

I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I’ve never looked back since.

[laislica]

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet

– you can hide, but you can’t run.

[laislica]

                  HellOeen!

 

[riceyummm]

[laislica]

  I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

 

[laislica]

[laislica]

A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says:
"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

[White Christmas13]

 

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. 

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." 

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" 

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better." 

"Sure," answered the young man. 

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" 

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. 

"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" 

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk. 
 

[White Christmas13]

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" 

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. 

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him. 

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" 

And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off. 

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?" 

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"