Worst Joke Ever

[White Christmas13]

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

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An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor
had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,

'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.

And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.

Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed,

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"

[laislica]

Q. What do you call a dinosaur with extensive vocabulary?

A. A Thesaurus ?

Have a good week everyone it can only get better.

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[White Christmas13]

Visit the barber

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.

"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

[White Christmas13]

Q. What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?A. Virgin Mobile.

[chiang mai]

Two men were sitting next to each other at the Murphy’s Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says ” I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland?”. The other bloke responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”

The first one say, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?” The other bloke answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.”

The first one responds, “So am I!”  Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin?”  The other bloke says, “A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”

The first one says, “Faith and its a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?”  The other bloke answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.”

The first one gets really excited and says, “And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?”  The other bloke answers, “Well, now, let’s see. I graduated 1964.”

The first one exclaims, “The good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck and winding up in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s  n 1964 my own self!”

About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink. Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight.”  Vicky asks, “Why do you say that, Brian?” 

“The Murphy twins are drunk again.”

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[Ron19]

A Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male Pharmacist. The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the Pharmacist,and as she and her also widowed elderly Sister owned the store,there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help the gentleman. 

The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male Pharmacist. 
 
The female Pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. 
 
The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it." 
 
The Pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." 
 
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a month plus living expenses.”

[Ron19]

Grandma Still Drives Her Car – PRICELESS !!

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting so, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection And, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' and 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"!

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

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City government implements drastic measures to alleviate flooding.

 

 

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[White Christmas13]

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

[White Christmas13]

A mental hospital

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

[White Christmas13]

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."

[White Christmas13]

You won't go to jail

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn’t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, "Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money." And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.

[Rob13]

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than I am. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."
       

       "Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"
        "Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
        "Hmm. Well, where do you catch 'em?"
        "Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
        "Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
        "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out,                 bite 'em, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat  'em!"
     

   "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase..."

Edited December 8, 2016 by Rob13

[White Christmas13]

Consultation fees

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

[White Christmas13]

That's a real bargain

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty more of them