BigSnake Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 And without further ado I give you:Several nuns were in their second floor convent one night when a fire broke out. The nuns took their habits off and tied them together to make a rope to get out of the building via the window. After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to her, "Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broken since they are old?" "No," replied the old nun "don't you know... ...old habits are hard to break?" NEXT! Not bad actually quite good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeungKen Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel roomand Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was,'Do you have a condom?' Donald frowned and said, 'No.' Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. 'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they hadcondoms. 'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your bill? 'No!' Donald quacked, I'll thucking thuffocate ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
krading Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 "How did you get jam and custard in your ears?" "Sorry, what was that? I'm a trifle deaf" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cymruambyth1 Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 "Doctor! My arm hurts when I do this" "Well don't do that then" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daffy D Posted June 13, 2009 Share Posted June 13, 2009 Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel roomand Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was,'Do you have a condom?' Donald frowned and said, 'No.' Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. 'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they hadcondoms. 'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your bill? 'No!' Donald quacked, I'll thucking thuffocate ... Duck Patrol Here See post #17 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warfie Posted June 13, 2009 Author Share Posted June 13, 2009 Two Texans were having a drink at a bar, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few seats away, turning blue from chocking. The first Texan drawled, "Think we oughta help?" "Yep," said the second Texan. The first Texan got up, hitched up his jeans and walked over to the lady. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" She shook her head no. "Kin ya speak?" he asked. She again shook her head no. With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt, dropped her panties and started licking her butt! She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief. The first Texan turned back to his friend and said..... "That thar Hind Lick Manoeuvre works ever' time!" groan rating please? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cymruambyth1 Posted June 15, 2009 Share Posted June 15, 2009 A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze Statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway. He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?' The owner replied: 'its 12 quid for the rat, and 100 quid for the story.' The tourist gave the owner his 12 quid and said: 'I'll just take the rat, You can keep the story.' As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way. He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned. The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?' 'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants, a Poof, a Manchester United supporter, and anything French!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cymruambyth1 Posted June 15, 2009 Share Posted June 15, 2009 Mick met Paddy in the street and said, 'Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?' 'Bejaysus Why?' Paddy asked. 'Because,' said Mick, 'the whole street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday.' Paddy said, 'Stupid bastards, the laugh's on them...I wasn't home yesterday’. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warfie Posted June 15, 2009 Author Share Posted June 15, 2009 ^^^ ||| that's too good for this thread Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cymruambyth1 Posted June 15, 2009 Share Posted June 15, 2009 Sorry, but I'm enjoying this too much Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warfie Posted June 16, 2009 Author Share Posted June 16, 2009 me too... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EastSaxCol Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 What do you call the Spanish footballer without any legs ? GRACIAS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crossy Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 Two moles running up their burrow one behind the other. The back mole says "I can smell sugar". The front mole says "I can't, lets swap places". They swap positions. On they go, now the new back mole says "Ah, now I can smell something sweet, but it's not sugar, it's molasses". Boom Boom !!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thaddeus Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 Two moles running up their burrow one behind the other. The back mole says "I can smell sugar". The front mole says "I can't, lets swap places". They swap positions. On they go, now the new back mole says "Ah, now I can smell something sweet, but it's not sugar, it's molasses". Boom Boom !!!!! A new low .............. well done Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warfie Posted June 19, 2009 Author Share Posted June 19, 2009 Two moles running up their burrow one behind the other. The back mole says "I can smell sugar". The front mole says "I can't, lets swap places". They swap positions. On they go, now the new back mole says "Ah, now I can smell something sweet, but it's not sugar, it's molasses". Boom Boom !!!!! you're not my friend anymore... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crossy Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 Bump A history professor and a psychology professor are sitting by the pool at a nudist colony. History professor - "Have you read Marx?" Psychology professor - "Yes, I think it's from the wicker chairs." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warfie Posted June 23, 2009 Author Share Posted June 23, 2009 oh, Crossy.... that one might just be the winner.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
krading Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 That's it, I'm out of here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kurnell Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 Q. What's the difference between a jackhammer and a giraffe? A. Ones got hydraulics and the other has high <deleted>. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cognos Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 a man walks into a bar...........an IRON bar...........OUCH Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cognos Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 Horse walks into a bar.Bartender says "Why the long face?" Okay, can you beat that with a shorter joke? man walks into a bar........an IRON bar........OUCH (beat you by 2) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lioness Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 3 young bunnies were in their burrow, an orange rolls down, the first bunny took a bite and says "oh Pith", the 2nd little bunny has a nibble and says "oh pith", the 3rd bunny says I know it's pith, cause I pithed on it. Sorry Folks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kurnell Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 Local theme Confucius say: Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigSnake Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 oh dear... what have I started?!?!keep 'em coming... Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie. Mickey (stunned): Why not? Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy. Mickey (exasperated): Your honour! I didn't say she was crazy... I said she was <deleted> Goofy! Oldie but a goodie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warfie Posted October 26, 2009 Author Share Posted October 26, 2009 This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to start off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off; the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder, and seeing as it's Texas, he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish. "Well," says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes," answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?" The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits ‘til he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch, sending hundreds of volts through the man. When the smoke clears, the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it. "Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so," says the executioner, "That's never happened before." The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling tickets. Yet again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is convicted for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time, so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair, blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears, the man is still there, smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go. The bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell while passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up extra electricity to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling. "What's your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Well," says the man, "can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it. The executioner pulls the handle and the volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark. "I give up," says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that!" He strokes his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asks. "Nah," says the bloke, "I'm just a bad conductor." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussiechick Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ozsamurai Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 He loved her very much. He wanted this Valentine’s day to be special, So he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported from Switzerland and it had arrived in time for the occasion (Edit: of course!). On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned to have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones. But to his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns left for decoration. In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer. He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers and what she produced was magnificent well beyond his expectations. He added a card, and proceeded home. When he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown, and it was apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing a romantic candlelight dinner for the two of them. He presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read, “Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.” With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, “Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warfie Posted October 28, 2009 Author Share Posted October 28, 2009 @ Ozsamurai GROAN!!! love it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
midasthailand Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 Why are women like clouds? Eventually they F#@K off and it's a beautiful day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
midasthailand Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 Suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells "you have 30 seconds to get out before I blow myself up", tortoise up the back of the shop yells "you <deleted>"!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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