Worst Joke Ever

[chickenslegs]

5 hours ago, loong said:

You know what I find weird?

Why is weird spelt weird when it should be wierd!

i before e, except after c.... that is the rule we were taught in school. Not true, apparently...

 

 

[fasteddie]

6 hours ago, loong said:

You know what I find weird?

Why is weird spelt weird when it should be wierd!

Why?

[fasteddie]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much kinder human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess.

It has all the ice cold water you need. " Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped ... "They won't let me in without a <deleted> regimental tie!”

[fasteddie]

A jobless man applied for the job of "sweeper" at Microsoft.

The HR interviewed him..

Then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.

"You are Appointed" he said.

"Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the forms to fill in".

The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email."

"I'm sorry", said the HR manager...

"If you don't have an email, that means u do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."

The man left with no hope at all.

He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket.

He then decided to go to the supermarket & buy a 10Kg tomato crate.

He then sold the tomatoes in a Door to Door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital.

He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with $60.

The man realised that he can survive this way, and started to go everyday earlier and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday.

Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles. 5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US .

He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life Insurance. He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan.

When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, "I don't have an email."

The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!"

The man thought for a while and replied,
"Yes, I'd be a sweeper"

[laislica]

[Panda13]

1st guy " I bought myself a good racehorse."
2nd guy " What's it's name?"
1st guy " I named it My Face."
2nd guy " Why would do that ? "
1st guy " Well, when it's galloping down the straight to the finish post, all the girls in the crowd will be screaming " Come on My Face , come on My Face ! "

[fasteddie]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched.. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent off to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna.

[laislica]

[MJCM]

A thoughtful Yorkshire husband was putting his hat and coat on to make his way down to the local pub.

He turned to his wife before leaving and said,
"Maggie - put thi hat and coat on, Lass!"
She replied,
"Awe, Jack, that's nice - are tha tekking me t'pub wi thee?"
"Nay, Lass," Jack replied
"I'm switching th' heating off while I'm out."

[fasteddie]

EARTHQUAKE IN BLACKPOOL!

An earthquake measuring 4.3 on the Richter scale hit Blackpool in the early hours, its epicentre was on Dinmore Avenue. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Fuuuckinell".

The tremor decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

The Evening Gazette reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Blackpool. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of White Lightning to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

Nike or Burberry baseball caps

Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)

Shell suits (female)

White sport socks

Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.

£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.

£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

***Breaking news***

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.

'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, "Mereside" said the girl, "wossit gotta do wiv you?"

[fasteddie]

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.

Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, “Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?”

 

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife’s shoulder and asks, “Honey, please… just one more time before die.”

She says, “Of course, Dear,” and they make love for the third time.

 

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death and tosses and turns until he’s down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses.

“Honey, I have only four more hours. Do you think we could…”

At this point, the wife sits up and says,”Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don’t!”

[Ace of Pop]

I called My Son after a famous Day said the Englishman. I called him George. Well that's good,so did i said Paddy ,but me Sons not happy with Pancake


Sent from my iPhone using Thaivisa Connect

[White Christmas13]

*SIZE* does Matter ! !

Sometimes it is better to
have a  SMALL ONE!

 

 

 

[chiang mai]

There's a lettuce shortage in the UK, it's just the tip of the iceberg.

 

Why is there a lettuce shortage in the UK? Cos!

[chickenslegs]

4 hours ago, chiang mai said:

There's a lettuce shortage in the UK, it's just the tip of the iceberg.

 

Why is there a lettuce shortage in the UK? Cos!

 

I once got a lettuce stuck up my nose and a string bean stuck in my ear. I had to go to hospital.

 

The doctor said "You need to eat more carefully".

[Panda13]

Wife : Do want something to eat ?
Husband: What are my choices ?
Wife : Yes or <deleted> no .

[laislica]

[laislica]

[fasteddie]

 

 

A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”

Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.”

“What’s that mean?” asked the child.

“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”

The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”

Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.” He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it and said, “Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block.”

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”

The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”

[fasteddie]

[fasteddie]

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche 911 Turbo in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he was getting out, a truck came barrelling down the road, drifted right and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the now door-less Porsche with his lights flashing.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his precious Porsche, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again, would never be the same.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief, "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said, "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"
"OHH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. . . "My frickin' Rolex!

[Daffy D]

One of Trump’s assistants says to him, “Sir, we’re mining too many coal mines.” Trump replies, “Well, mine less.”
A writer and grammar expert then turns to him and says, “Mine FEWER!” Trump looks up and says, “Yes?”

 

Boom Boom !!

[loong]

On 2/16/2017 at 9:47 AM, Daffy D said:

One of Trump’s assistants says to him, “Sir, we’re mining too many coal mines.” Trump replies, “Well, mine less.”
A writer and grammar expert then turns to him and says, “Mine FEWER!” Trump looks up and says, “Yes?”

 

Boom Boom !!

That took a few seconds to sink in :)

You've failed, it is too good for Worst joke as it made me laugh.

[JB300]

That took a few seconds to sink in :)
You've failed, it is too good for Worst joke as it made me laugh.

My thoughts exactly [emoji106] (only it took more than a few seconds to get there)

[fasteddie]

On 16/02/2017 at 2:47 AM, Daffy D said:

One of Trump’s assistants says to him, “Sir, we’re mining too many coal mines.” Trump replies, “Well, mine less.”
A writer and grammar expert then turns to him and says, “Mine FEWER!” Trump looks up and says, “Yes?”

 

Boom Boom !!

In the one I heard he turns round and says "Shh, don't call me that".

[Ron19]

 

[Rob13]

On 2/16/2017 at 10:47 AM, Daffy D said:

A writer and grammar expert then turns to him and says, “Mine FEWER!” Trump looks up and says, “Yes?”

 

 

Two days later, andI finally got it. Good one.

[fasteddie]

[Ron19]

[Panda13]

A snail won the French Lottery, so as he collected his winnings, they asked him what he would do with the money. He told them he would buy a really fast car and paint big S's on the doors and bonnet. The Lottery guy was puzzled and asked why he would do that to a new car. The snail says " Well when I speed thru ze village, all the ze people will say; Wow, did you see zat s-car-go !