Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

Q: What's the generic form of Viagra?

 

A: Mycoxaflopin.

 

Edited April 26, 2017 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

45 minutes ago, laislica said:

I only take half a tablet each night, it stops me peeing on my slippers

Don't wear slippers then!

[scottiejohn]

A few more on the ‘Viagra’ theme

 

A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet and as a result is unable sit on it’s perch or walk so

his owner puts him in the freezer to cool off.

Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.

"How come you are sweating?" he asks.

The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken"

 

Q: What happens when you give Viagra to lawyers?

A: They grow taller!

 

Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?

A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

　

[scottiejohn]

One morning a couple were in an amourous embrace and the wife says: "Honey, that Viagra is so wonderful, let me fix us a nice full breakfast... eggs, bacon, toast..."

The husband says: "No, I'm not hungry, the Viagra takes away my appetite."

 

Later in the day, the wife says: "Sweetheart, I want to do something for you, let me fix you a nice wholesome lunch, fresh salad with your favorite ingredients, steamed veggies, and some grilled fish fillets..."

The husband again refuses, "I'm just not hungry after using that Viagra."

 

Long about dinner time, the wife tries again, "Are you hungry yet?, I'll fix a steak and potatoes dinner with hot rolls."

The husband still refuses, "No, that Viagra just kills my appetite."

 

 

 

The wife then firmly says "well, I'm getting something to eat, so get OFF of me!"

Edited April 26, 2017 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

 

A man goes into the chemist and asks for some Viagra.

'Have you got a prescription,' the chemist asks him.

'No, but will a picture of my wife do?' the man says.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Since no posts yet today here are some, apropos about nothing in particular;

 

OOPS.  I missed out the FLYing bit and cannot remove the K!

Insert  'LY' in the blank space. 

(That is my excuse and that should keep the Mods happy anyway.  I am sure you all get the original meaning!)

 

 

Edited April 27, 2017 by scottiejohn
deliberate ommission!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

No offence meant to any faith/religion/thought etc;. I am ecumenical in my insults!

Edited April 27, 2017 by scottiejohn
covering my self

[Andrew Dwyer]

[scottiejohn]

52 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

ANSWER;  An ELF & Safety operation?

[Andrew Dwyer]

[scottiejohn]

3 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Sorry I can't hear you very well;  Come again!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A "Sporting" bar joke;

 

A Canadian guy, an American guy, a Japanese guy, and a Middle Eastern guy walk into a bar.

They all have a couple of beers, and get to bragging.

The American guy boasts, "I'm so lucky, I have 4 beautiful children, one more and I would have a basketball team."

Not to be outdone, the Canadian guy retorts, "I am luckier than you, I have 5 gifted children, one more and I could form a hockey team."

So, the Japanese guy chimes in with, "Well, I surely have both of you topped. I have 8 children. Just one more and I would have a baseball team."

Pausing, briefly, the Middle Eastern guy replies, "Well, I am betting I have all you fools beat. my harem houses 17 wives, one more and I would have a golf course!".

[scottiejohn]

An Old Groaner with a possible Thai connection!

 

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

 

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

 

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.

 

The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts--they're complimentary."

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

MAYDAY WEEKEND JOKES!

Two yokels were driving to the next village's May Day Fair.  They came to a sign that said: May Day Fair Left.  ... so they turned around and went home!

The Solent Coastguard;

'Mayday, Mayday, Mayday this is yacht Corporate Engineering Solutions, Corporate Engineering Solutions, Corporate Engineering Solutions. Over.'

 

'Mayday this is Solent Coastguard. Can you give me your position sir. Over.'

 

'Solent Coastguard this is yacht Corporate Engineering Solutions. I'm a director in the company. Over.'

[scottiejohn]

ANOTHER MAYDAY OFFERING (ESPECIALLY FOR THE ENGLISH)

A bus full of blind people on a May day outing stop at "The White Swan" pub near Dorchester, Dorset, England.  The coach driver asks if some of the lads can have a game of football on the car park out the back.

'How can they do that?' asks Rory, the landlord. 'Seeing as they are blind and all.'

'Well, it's quite easy,' says Alex, the driver. 'They have a special ball with bells in so they can hear it.'

Nothing much happens for fifteen minutes or so when all of a sudden all hell breaks loose. Police cars, ambulances, fire engines, the lot! Policeman rushes into the public bar.

'What on earth is going on?' asks Alex, the coach driver.

'We have had a report of a bunch of louts kicking a Morris dancer's head around the car park.'

(For the non English Morris Dancers as they dance so the Morris Men make music with bells on their legs and also by banging sticks with fellow Morris Men. Very much a Mayday activity in England see picture below)

 

 

 

 

[Ron19]

Why We Love Scousers!
 
A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the welfare Officer.
"Ten" replies the Liverpool girl.
"Ten?" says the welfare worker. "What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah . . ." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out
playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or ''Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it.”
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.
"That's easy," says the Liverpool girl . . . "I just use their surnames"

 

A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take that red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher." 

 

Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?
A. Granny.

Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.

Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman.

Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool?
A. Father's day

Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!
 

Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, “Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?”
“Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,” she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, “Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'”
“I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,” Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. “Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?”
“Because my Mum is a Chelsea fan, and my Dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!”
“Well,” said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, “that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time . . What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?”
“Then,” Mary smiled, “I'd be a Liverpool fan.”
 

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: “My God, it's Jesus!”
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the
pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: “My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!”
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
“Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a Miracle.”
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, “Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.”
 

A Scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said “Hi, I'm looking for a job”.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing'. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said “You're bullshitting me!”
The man behind the counter said “Well you started it!”
 

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car. It later turned out to be a tax disc.

[scottiejohn]

Edited April 29, 2017 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

 

MAYDAY is also labour day in most Countries outside of North America, so here goes;

Edited April 29, 2017 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

[Ron19]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter 
to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: 
Could they possibly get married in Heaven?



When St. Peter shows up, they asked him.

St. Peter says, 'I don't know.

This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.



The couple sat and waited, and waited.

Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, 
they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, 
what was the eternal aspect of it all.

'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 
'Are we stuck together forever?'



After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, 
looking somewhat bedraggled.

'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.

'

'Great!' said the couple, 'but we were just wondering, what if 
things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'



St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'

OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here!
Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!'

[scottiejohn]

18 hours ago, riceyummm said:

 

Having problems with this posting; sorry. This was meant to connect with 'riceyummm'  post with Jesus on the cross. I just cannot get it to work!

 

Edited April 29, 2017 by scottiejohn
lots of problems today making posts