Today is Jacob's birthday,

So his wife decided to surprise him, she took him to a Strip-Club House. 

At the club -

DOORMAN: Hey Jacob! How are you? 

WIFE: How does he know you? 

Jacob: We play Golf together! 

BARTENDER: The usual beer Jacob? 

WIFE: And how does he know you? 

Jacob: He's on the Bowling Team! 

HOT STRIPPER: The special Lap Dance again, Jacob?

The Wife storms out...... dragging jacob with her, into a taxi! ? ?

TAXI DRIVER: Hey jacob boy....You picked an ugly one this time...Same Hotel? 

???

 Jacob's funeral will be this Thursday at 12noon...

2 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

 

The little buggers must have been working overtime for a few years on my clothes then.

Edited May 4, 20179 yr by scottiejohn

and all the newspaper headlines are about trying to get phones into Jail!

 

 

 

 

 

PS;  If you don't get it ask the youngest smartphone owner in your family!

Edited May 4, 20179 yr by scottiejohn
adding the punchline which did not graft onto the original!

From today's Daily Mail (banned in Thailand and with jokes like these two no wonder!)

 

He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known each other for a number of years
being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.
This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.
They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. 
The widower throwing admiring glances across the table.
The widow smiling coyly back at him.
Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... yes I will!"
The evening ended on a happy note for the widower.
But the next morning he was troubled.
Did she say Yes? or did she say No?
He couldn't remember.
Try as he would, he just could not recall.
He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.
He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response.
With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her.
First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the past evening.
As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her.
"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes? or did you say No?
"Why you silly man, I said Yes. Yes I will ! And I meant it with all my heart."
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”

18 hours ago, Minnie the Minx said:

Certainly a recipe for disaster!

 

Did you expect to get 'Batter(ed)' as a result?

Edited May 5, 20179 yr by scottiejohn

A bra and a pair of jumper leads walk into a bar. The bra asks for a beer. The barman says no. The bra asks why. The barman says "Cause you're off ya tits and your mates look like they're gonna start something."