Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

 

I Tied knot to post this but!

　

Two strings, their bodies entwined seductively together, weave their way into a bar. The first string ties to order something but gets all tangled up and slurs the order.

 

"I don't serve drunk strings in this bar," the bartender says roughly and throws them out.

 

Once outside, the second string gets untangled and muttering under his breath to his partner that he will whip back in there and get things straitened out.

 

He roughs himself up, ties his ends together, rolls back into the bar and ties to order but before he can get his act together gets a knot in his stomach and all tongue tied.

 

"Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" the bartender says.

 

"Yeah," the string says.

 

"Aren't you a string?" the bartender says.

 

"I'm a frayed knot," the string replies.

"I don’t care if you are afraid or Knot! You are Knot getting served in here."

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

What's the difference between a man arguing with his wife and a man with a lottery ticket?

The man with a lottery ticket actually has a chance to win.

[CantSpell]

Gay guy at the psy to try to cure his sex addition and incessant urges...

 

Psy: listen Sir, please, stop talking about butts, butts and butts all the time...

Let's change topic and discuss about something else: astrology, what do you like about astrology...

 

Patient with a deep sexy voice: Uranus...

[scottiejohn]

 

Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?

Because the 'p' is silent.

 

How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

 

An elevator operator walks into a psychiatrist office and says, hey Doc I think I'm getting out of control and cannot get on an even keel.

The Doctor replies your an elevator operator, in your line of work your going to have your ups and downs!

 

What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together?

In the morning each of them says: "200 dollars, please." and neither knows what they got for their money!

 

Psychiatrist to his blonde nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse or the customers haven't a clue, or the no idea what they are on about'"

 

A man went to his psychiatrist and said, "Every time I drink my coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye,"

 

The psychiatrist said, "well, have you tried taking the spoon out?"

[scottiejohn]

More of the same!

 

Psychiatry and Proctology

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading, "Dr.

Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town fathers were not too happy with the sign, and they proposed

"Hysteria and Posteriors."

The doctors didn't find it acceptable, so they suggested "Schizoids and

Hemorrhoids."

The town didn't like that either and countered with "Catatonics and High

Colonics."

Thumbs down again. By now the story was in the papers, and suggestions began

rolling in:

"Manic-depressives and Anal-retentive."

"Minds and Behinds."

"Lost Souls and A**holes."

"Analysis and Anal Cysts."

"Queers and Rears."

"Nuts and Butts."

"Freaks and Cheeks."

"Loons and Moons."

None of these satisfied one side or the other, but they finally settled

on "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

[scottiejohn]

Group Therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go home."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

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[scottiejohn]

Once upon a time there were two little skunks named "In" and "Out." They lived in a hollow tree with their mother. Sometime In and Out played outside, but other times they played inside. Sometime In played out and Out played in but sometime Out played out and In played in. One day In was out and Out was in. Mother skunk told Out to go out and bring In in. So Out went out and in a few minutes he came in with In.

"My my, Out," she said, "How did you find In so quickly?"

Out just smiled and said, "Instinct."

[scottiejohn]

 

A dentist found something wrong with one of his patients. The upper plate that had been put in earlier was corroding. "What have you been eating?" the dentists asked the man.

"All I can think of is that about three months ago my wife made some asparagus and put Hollandaise sauce on it. I loved it so much, I put it on everything now."

"That's the problem," the dentist said, frowning. "Hollandaise sauce contains lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome."

"Why chrome?"

"It's simple. Everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[Andrew Dwyer]

[scottiejohn]

 

Q. Why did the little girl bury her flashlight?

A. Her batteries were dead

 

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?

A. No eye deer.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

A. Still no eye deer

 

Q. What has more lives than a cat?

A. A frog -- it croaks every night

　

Q. Why do bees have sticky hair?

A. They use honeycombs

 

Q. What do astronauts eat as the countdown completes?

A. Launchon meat.

 

Q. What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on him?

A. Nothing. He just let out a little wine.

 

Q. Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?

A. He wanted to win the no bell prize!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Angus Lang grew up in the northern Scottish County (or Shire) of Angus and was part of the most wealthy and influential family in the County. Everyone around knew of the Langs, and eventually, in gratitude for all that the family had done for the County, the Local Council erected a huge sign on the train station platform, saying, "Welcome to Angus on behalf of the Langs." One day, Angus, now in his later years, returned to the area, and was shocked d anguished to see that the Council had taken down the Auld Lang Sign.

[scottiejohn]

A man had a son, but he was born as only a head. The man loved his son very much and took care of him, even though he was only a head. When the son turned 21, the man took him to a bar.

"One whiskey for my boy, barkeep!" said the man.

"You don't want to do that," said the bartender.

"He's a man, just turned 21! Get him a whiskey!" "I'm serious," the bartender insisted. "It's a bad idea."

"Just do it!" ordered the man.

So the bartender got the head a whiskey, and when he drank it, he sprouted a body! The head and his dad were excited, but the bartender wasn't pleased.

"Wow, another one of those for my boy!" yelled the man.

"It's a really bad idea," the bartender stated.

"Just give him a stupid whiskey! Geez, I'm payin', ain't I?" said the man, a little frustrated now.

So the bartender gave the son a whiskey, and he grew an arm! The father made the bartender give more whiskey to the head, and he grew another arm, a leg, another leg, and finally the head was a whole person.

The son was so excited that he ran into the street, screaming and shouting happily, and was hit by a car and died.

 

 

 

 

"I told you," the bartender said. "You should've quit while he was a head."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Definition!

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!"

"Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and reads: "Panda: a tree-dwelling mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

　

Maths

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on deer skin; another slept on elk skin; the third slept on the skin of a hippopotamus. All three became pregnant. Each of the first two had a baby boy. The one who slept on hippo skin had twin boys. This proves that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

[scottiejohn]

 

You Must show this to your loved one/partner etc and ask them to tell you what it says!