Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

[laislica]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[fasteddie]

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from €50 to €500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the €500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks,... I'm no dummy, 'I have an idea....
It's so sheer that It might as well be nothing,...
I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, ...return it tomorrow, and keep the €500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! ....
you'd think for €500, they'd at least iron it!'

[scottiejohn]

A woman walked into an expensive dress store and announced to the owner, "I’m the greatest salesperson ever. And I want a job."

"That’s quite a claim," the owner responded, "but unfortunately I don’t have any openings." Undaunted, the woman asked, "How many dresses does your best employee sell in a good day?" "Five or six," the owner answered.

Without blinking an eye, the woman claimed, "I’ll sell twelve without pay or commission, just to show you how good I am." The owner, knowing she couldn’t lose, agreed. And, indeed, just an hour before closing, the new salesperson had sold eighteen dresses. "Do I get the job now?" she asked.

"I’ve got one more test for you," the owner declared. She went back into the storeroom and returned with the most hideous dress imaginable. "Sell this dress by the time the store closes tonight and you’ve got a job." Forty-five minutes later, the woman marched into her office and threw down the sales receipt.

"I’m impressed," the owner admitted in amazement. "You’ve got the job. How on earth did you convince somebody to buy that dress?"

"Getting the woman to buy it wasn’t a problem. The hard part was stopping her Seeing Eye (guide) dog from barking."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

An amateur golfer playing in his first tournament was delighted when a beautiful girl came up to him after the round and suggested he come over to her place for a while.

The fellow was a bit embarrassed to explain that he really couldn’t stay all night but that he’d be glad to come over for a while. Twenty minutes later they were in her bed making love. And when it was over, he got out of bed and started getting dressed.

"Hey," called the girl from beneath the covers, "where do you think you’re going? Arnold Palmer wouldn’t leave so early."

At that the golfer stripped off his clothes and jumped on top of her. After they’d made love a second time, he got out of bed and put his pants back on. "What are you up to?" she called. "Jack Nicklaus wouldn’t think of leaving now."

So the golfer pulled off his pants and screwed her a third time, and afterward, he started getting dressed. "C’mon, you can’t leave yet," protested the girl. "Lee Trevino wouldn’t call it a day."

"Lady, would you tell me one thing?" asked the golfer, looking at her very seriously.

 

"What’s par for this hole?"

[KC 71]

[scottiejohn]

[laislica]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[CantSpell]

Three doctors are talking about death. 

The first, a dentist, says, “When I die, I think I’d like my tombstone to be shaped like a tooth made of white marble.”

“Hey,” adds the cardiologist, “that’s not a bad idea, I’d love my tombstone to be shaped as a heart…”
 
The gynecologist is silent for a bit, then says, “I think scattering of the ashes is my option.”

[CantSpell]

North Korea recently changed their volume measurement system. The liter is now only to be called the dear liter
---

My new 1000 watt sound system is great! I can control the volume of my neighbor's banging on my door.
---

In a bakery:
Man to the shop assistant: “I’ll have that thing there, please.”
Shop assistant: “Cupcake?”
Man: “OK, Cupcake, I’ll have that thing there, please.”
---

 I’ve read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently that I made a new, firm New Year’s resolution: NO MORE READING!
---

“Oh no, Roger, why did you two split up?” 
 “She’s a liar and a cheat! She said she was the whole night at her sister’s!”

 “So? Maybe she was.”
 “Yeah, no way. I was there the whole night, i know!”
 

[fasteddie]

[fasteddie]

[CantSpell]

There’s that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell. 
Do you vegans feel the same when you mow the grass?“
---

A question on an internet forum:
Q: Please help, I have this great itching between my toes.
A: Well, that depends. If the itching is between all toes, consult a dermatologist. If the itching bothers you only between your two big toes, consult a gynecologist.
---

What can I eat in the evening in front of the TV that wouldn’t make me fat?
Your fingernails.
>> I love to help in those online Q&A communities.
--- 

1 - You sneak into my room, unnoticed; you gently touch one bit of my naked body after the other until you find the most desirable place, then you start sucking. Stupid mosquitoes!

2 - To be stung by a mosquito is not very pleasant. But the thought that an insect with just 10 brain cells could mess up your entire night is something quite different.

3 - Today, I found a mosquito, I sat right next to it and kept on buzzing so he would see what it’s like, not being able to sleep!
 

[CantSpell]

Petra comes back from the bathroom in a café where she was sitting with her friend Nicole.

 Nicole says, “Listen, I think your electric toothbrush must have switched itself on in your handbag.” 

Petra replies, “But I don’t have an electric t… Oh yeah, that darned toothbrush!”
 

[CantSpell]

A drunk guy stumbles into a bar and says, „Those to my left you are all jerks. Those to my right, you are all idiots!“
A tall, muscular guy slowly stands up, puts on his cowboy hat and quietly says to the guy, “Well, I don’t think I’m an idiot at all.”
 “Alright,” agrees the guy, “you can go on the left.”
----

A guy goes to the information desk in a supermarket and says, “ I’m looking for insulation wool for my hobby room.”
The clerk apologizes that they sell no such thing, perhaps he’d be more lucky at a Home Depot.
“OK,” agrees the man, “all jokes aside, I’m looking for tampons for my wife.”
 

[CantSpell]

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..
 
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
----

An 87-year-old man chats with his doctor: “So, I'm getting married again next week, doc!”
“Oh, that’s wonderful! And how old is the bride?”
“She’s 19.”

“That’s fantastic – but I have to warn you, too much action in the bed can be deadly!”
“Ah well, if she dies, I’ll just have to remarry.” 

[CantSpell]

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.
---

I’ll never understand how you can come up second in a biathlon. I mean – you’ve got a gun, haven’t you?!
 

[CantSpell]

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I’m digging in our garden.
---

“I’m on a hunt for my wife’s murderer, have been for years.”
 “Oh my God! Your wife’s been murdered?!”
 “No no, you misunderstand. I’m still looking for him.”
---

“Do you have Valentines cards that say something like “You’re my only one?”
Sure thing.
Wonderful! I’ll take 8 of those please.
 

[laislica]

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland .
One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation.
Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.
The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her.
When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.'
The landlord nodded and said, 'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Mother Superior:

Sister Maria, if you were walking through town at night, and you were accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?

Sister Maria:

I would lift my habit, Mother Superior.

Mother Superior (shocked):

And what would you do next?

Sister Maria:

I would tell him to drop his trousers and give me his belt.

Mother Superior: (even more shocked)

And what then?

 

Sister Maria:

I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than he can with his pants round his ankles.