Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A baby polar bear asked his mother,

"Am I a polar bear?"

His mother responds, "Of coarse you're a polar bear."

"Are you sure I'm a polar bear?"

"Yes! I'm sure you're a polar bear."

"Are you positive?"

"Yes! I'm positive! Your fur is all white, you live in an ice cave, you eat fish and play on the ice all day. Yes, I'm sure you're a polar bear!

Why do you keep asking me that?"

He explained,

 

 

"Because I'm freakin freezing all the time!"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A guy goes to get penis enlargement surgery in Africa because no American doctor would mess with his already ten inch d*ck.

The doctor in Africa didn't have a prosthetic that would match his girth so he used a baby elephant's trunk. After a short recovery time he travelled back to his girlfriends house to show it off to her. Unfortunately her parents had come over for dinner that night so she invited him in to have dinner with her and her parents. During the meal he started getting an erection while staring at his girlfriend's ample cleavage. His new penis climbed out off his shorts and onto the table. It picked his baked potato off his plate and took it back under the table.

The guy sat there with a horrified look on his face hoping nobody else saw it. His dick again reached up and picked his girlfriend's potato off her plate and brought it under the table.

Her father asked, "What the hell was that?"

The guy had no answer for him. He just sat there looking frightened.

Her mom demanded, "Do that again, whatever it was!"

 

 

He said, "I'd try, but I don't think I can fit another HOT potato up my a*s!"

[scottiejohn]

[eefoo]

On 7/29/2017 at 8:26 AM, scottiejohn said:

Why is this in the 'worst joke ever' forum. This is so damn true it needs a whole forum of its own!!!!

[owl sees all]

What do you call a donkey with only three legs?; a wonkey.

 

What do you call a camel with three humps?; Humfrey

[scottiejohn]

 

How do crazy people get through the woods?

They take the psycho path.

　

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhino?

El if I know.

　

　

What do fat chicks and scooters have in common?

They're fun to ride but you don't want your friends to see you on one.

　

　

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

Do you smell carrots?

 

What do you get when you cross a stream and creek?

Wet feet.

 

A blonde had baby twins. One boy and one girl. She asked her sister to name them.

She named them Denise and Denephew.

 

A mushroom goes into a bar and the bartender said, "We don't serve your kind in here!"

The mushroom asked, "Why not? I'm a fungi, and I can grow on you!"

 

Why are gorillas nostrils so big?

Have you seen the size of their fingers?

 

What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Bunny farts.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

What's green and yellow and eats nuts?

Gonorrhea.

　

Just because you're paranoid...

Doesn't mean they 're not out to get you.

 

Don't trust a doctor with a rectal thermometer behind his ear and who can't find his pen.

 

How do you make a tissue dance?

Blow a little boogie in it.

 

What did the termite say when he walked into a bar?

Is the bar ‘tender’ here?

 

Did you know that there were gay dinosaurs?

They were called the Megasoreass.

　

Did you know that there were lesbian dinosaurs too?

The Eatalotopus.

　

What do you call  'a 69' in China?

Tu can chew.

　

What is the square root of 69?

Nearly Ate something.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting on your door step?

Matt.

　

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs if you bring him in and hang him on the wall?

Art.

　

What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?

Curt and Rod.

　

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs that 's buried under a pile of leaves?

Rustle.

　

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs when you throw him across the water?

Skip.

　

What do you call the same guy with no arms and no legs when you leave him in the water?

Bob.

　

What do you call guy with no arms and legs that's has been on your lawn all night?

Dewey.

　

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs going over a fence?

Homer.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A man and his wife are watching the Science channel. It was an episode about mixed emotions and being in two minds about things.

The guy says to his wife, "This is a load of crap! There's nothing you can tell me that can make me happy and sad at the same time."

 

 

His wife says, "Oh yeah? I know from personal experience that your d*ck is bigger than those of all of your friends!"

Edited August 3, 2017 by scottiejohn
adding a *

[scottiejohn]

[owl sees all]

What are the offspring of kangaroos and sheep called? Wooly jumpers.

 

What did the weetabix do to the sugar puff in the breakfast bowl?

 

 

 

Answer next post; it's a cereal.

Edited August 3, 2017 by owl sees all

[owl sees all]

What can go up a chimney down but can't go down a chimney up? Umbrella.

[owl sees all]

Two eggs in the saucepan. One says to the other "this water is getting very hot!", The other replies; "Don't moan about the water, when you get out they smash your head in!!"

[scottiejohn]

They were boiling mad and exaggerating as their brains were scrambled after going to pot.

Who is going to toast me after those puns?

[dabhand]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

An accountant gets a tattoo of a hundred dollar bill on his penis. His wife asked him why he would do such a thing.

"Three reasons," he replied.

"One: I like to watch my money grow.

Two: I like to play with my money.

Three: Next time you want to blow a hundred dollars you won't have to go to the mall!"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

While watching a porno movie with his wife, the husband acknowledges the overzealous actress and asks his wife,

"How come I never hear YOU scream like that when YOU have an orgasm?"

 

She replied, "Because YOU'RE never home when I do."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Little Johnny 's mom was cleaning Johnny's room and found a bondage, S&M magazine under his bed.

She promptly showed it to his father.

She asked, "What do you think we should do about this?"

Johnny's father looked through the mag and said,

"Well, I don't think we should spank him."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

I’ve put off posting since Friday ‘praying’ for someone else to post but you all must be far too busy so here are some religious type posts. Get posting you lot-I need my daily fix!

 

[scottiejohn]

Suzie was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bible story before bed. 

From time to time she would take her eyes off the book cover and look at her grandfather's face.  As she did she would reach out and touch the wrinkles on his face.  Then she would feel her own face, as if comparing.  Finally, she said "Grandpa, did God make you?"

 

"Yes, God did make me, a long time ago," he answered.

 

"Oh," she thought for a moment then said "Grandpa did God make me too?"

 

"Yes, God made you too Suzie.  But he made you just a little while ago."

 

Suzie having heard this touched her Grandfather’s face, then her own again and said,

 

 

 

 

 

"God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?"

[scottiejohn]