Worst Joke Ever

[nausea]

1 hour ago, ThomasCole said:

http://jokesfan.com/bad-jokes.html  More bad jokes here.

That's what's called delegation. Lazy, my friend, very, very lazy.

Edited September 19, 2017 by nausea
More info.

[Daffy D]

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.

 

Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

 

[fasteddie]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Wife: "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

Wife: "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

Husband: "Absolutely not,"

Wife: "OH Darling How Sweet!"

Husband: "Oh I would do the swap normally but the season's more than half over!"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Sending olive my prayers to the family. His wife is really upset; cheese still not over it.

You never sausage a tragic thing. It's such a shame good people have to die fusilli reasons. It was a farfalle from grace.

 

 

 

 

PS; Sorry if I pasta this "joke" before, I can't remember!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A guy offers a girl a drink, but the girl says alcohol is bad for her legs,

The guy ask "Do they swell?"

The girl replies "No they just spread much more easily"

 

　

Two girls were comparing boyfriends.

"Mine's the best," said the first. "I call him Seven-Up because he's 7 inches long and he's always up!"

"Oh yeah," exclaimed the other, "I call my boyfriend Jack Daniel's because he's the best hard licker there is!"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[Genord92]

Quote

At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this."

"The truth is," replied the President, "That she has a big mouth."

 

[Genord92]

On 13.09.2017 at 1:23 AM, laislica said:

Female athlete says to the Doctor "I've started growing a penis! I think it might be because I've been taking a lot of steroids"
Doctor asks "Anabolic?"
Female athlete replies "No, just a penis!"

***

I remember when I was working up in Scotland for a few weeks.
I was getting really frustrated.
So I phoned the Wife and said, "Hello Love, can you send me a Pic of you pleasuring yourself" ?
The bitch sent me a pic of her outside "Greggs" eating a Steak Bake Pasty.....

 

 

2

[surangw]

An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic. The beer was excellent. And the food was exceptional. But they were still a bit homesick
 “Ach,” said the Scotsman. “I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow there’s a little bar called McTavish’s. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he will buy the fifth drink for you.”
 “Well,” said the Englishman, “At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy your third drink after you buy the first two.”
 “Ahhh, that's nuthin,’” said the Irishman. “Back home in Dublin there's Ryan’s Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink. Then another, all the drinks you like. When you’ve had enough to drink they’ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!”
 The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman”s claims, but he swears that every word is true.
 “Well,” said the Englishman, “Did this actually happen to you?”

“Not myself personally no,” replied the Irishman, “But it did happen to my sister.”

[champers]

I went for a check up at the doctors.

He said. "Now then Mr Smith, I examined your wife this morning and  I have to tell you she has acute angina."

I said. "Oh aye. And her tits aren't bad an' all".

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

STUDENT’s SMART EXAM ANSWERS

In which battle did Nelson die?

His last battle

Where was the Treaty of Paris signed?

At the bottom of the page

The New River flows in which state?

Liquid

What is the main reason for divorce?

Marriage

What is the main reason for failure?

Exams

What can you never eat for breakfast?

Lunch & dinner

Describe what looks like half an apple?

The other half

If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will happen to it

It will sink and become wet

How can a man go eight days without sleeping

No problem. he sleeps at night.

How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

You cannot. You will never find an elephant that has only one hand

 

If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand what would you have

Very large hands

 

If it took eight men ten hours to build the wall how long would it take four men to build it?

No time at all. the wall is already built.

 

How can you drop an egg onto a concrete floor without cracking lt?

Any way you want. concrete floors are very hard to crack.

　

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

I went to the supermarket today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil-necked Dick headed cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he‘s so ugly.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the windshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote.

I was really winding him up!

 

Mind you I didn't really care.

 

My car was parked around the corner.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Knife Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police.

"What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.

"I juggle them in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let’s see you do it."

So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and says to his partner, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking early tonight. Look at the test they’re making you do now!"

[scottiejohn]

[owl sees all]

 

The areana was packed out. Claudius's son Nero was watching the games for the first time. The little lad loved animals and both mum and dad thought he was ready for a treat.

 

The christians were in a huddle in the centre of the areana. The lions were let in. It was carnage! Nero watched but began to cry. After a few minutes he told his father he wanted to go home. He was really upset; crying unconsolably.

 

They took him home but the crying did not stop. He could not be easily comforted but he gradually calmed down and after an hour or so he stopped his sobbing.

 

Nero's mum spoke to him. "What upset you so Nero?"

"Oh mother it was terrible; one of the lions didn't get a christian."

[scottiejohn]

2 hours ago, owl sees all said:

"Oh mother it was terrible; one of the lions didn't get a christian."

Maybe it was an agnostic (or anti Christian) Lion who had just had devilled kidneys for supper!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Diarised Crime

‘Years ago I used to supply filofaxes for the mafia. Yes, I was involved in very organised crime.’

　

Hidden Hobbies

‘Recently I’ve been attending meetings of Eavesdroppers Anonymous – not that they know!’

　

Down to earth health

‘As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day. Lucky my older brother told me about it, really.’

　

Heavy Holidays

‘Recently I went on a ballooning holiday – I put on four stone!’

　

Crap French

‘I can’t even count to ten in French: un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept…huit Aarrgghh! Sorry, I’ve had a neuf of this merde.’

　

Lavatory Literature

‘Hopefully I’ve got a book coming out soon. Shouldn’t have eaten it, really.’

　

World War II

‘My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open. Which is probably why his submarine sank.’

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

An Arab enters a taxi.

 

Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion as in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidel’s and certainly no radio, lights .etc, etc.......

So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, the interior light etc and stops the cab and opens the back door.

The Arab asks him: "What are you doing man? I need to get to the Airport for my flight!"

The cabby answers: "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis or Aircraft. So get out and wait for a camel to take you back home."

[scottiejohn]

[transam]

The boss buys a new Ferrari then gives his staff a lecture........

 

"You folk must strive for your dreams, work hard, take problems home to solve them, suffer disappointment until all becomes clear...If you do that l will buy the latest model Ferrari next year".....