Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

 

 

A teacher fell asleep in class and a naughty boy walked up to him and said: "teacher are you sleeping in class?" Teacher: "No I am not sleeping in class."

Boy: "What were you doing sir?"

Teacher: "I was talking to God."

The next day the naughty boy fell asleep in class and the same teacher walks up to him.

Teacher: "Young man, you are sleeping in my class."

Boy: "No, not me sir, I am not sleeping."

Angry teacher: "Don’t you dare lie to me! What were you doing if you were not sleeping?"

Boy: "I was talking to God as I do most days."

Angry teacher: "Oh yes, another lie! If that was true what did God say?"

 

Boy: "God told me that he never spoke to you yesterday or any other day for that matter!"

Edited September 25, 2017 by scottiejohn
,

[scottiejohn]

[CantSpell]

What does a farmer say when he's looking for his tractor?
-
“Where is my tractor?”
 

[Ace of Pop]

Sent from my iPhone using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app

[Ace of Pop]

Sent from my iPhone using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app

[Ace of Pop]

Sent from my iPhone using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

"My husband's penis is like a semi colon. He can't remember what it's for and I never use it anyway."

　

"The traffic light warning system on supermarket foods means nothing to me – I'm a cyclist."

　

"I'll never forget the day when I got a rear-view mirror installed for the car. I never looked back after that!"

　

Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?

A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!

　

Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?

A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blowjob!

　

Q: Why did God give men penises?

A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

　

Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?

A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

　

Q: What do you call a guy who cries while he masturbates?

A: A tearjerker.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Two engineering students meet on campus one day .

The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey , Nice bike! Where did you get it?"

"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty , young co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says: "You can have ANYTHING you want!!"

"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn’t have fit you anyway ."

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A little girl asked her mother

"How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said.

"Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered,

"Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

[scottiejohn]

[owl sees all]

14 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

Two engineering students meet on campus one day .

The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey , Nice bike! Where did you get it?"

"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty , young co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says: "You can have ANYTHING you want!!"

"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn’t have fit you anyway ."

Reminds me of Matt Dillon's sidekick Chester. He wandered into town with just his boots and hat on. Everyone was pointing and laughing at him.

 

Matt came over with a blanket and led him to the jail-house. "Chester! What on earth are you doing walking into town almost naked?" 

 

"Well Mr Dillon it was like this; I was with Miss kitty at the creek; we were fishing.  She was laying back on the big rock. She lifted her dress and,,, Mr Dillon,,, she had no panties on." 

 

"Go on Chester,, go on."

 

Well Miss kitty said "Chester take off your shirt." I did as she told me. Then Miss kitty said "Chester take off your strides." I did as she told me. Then Miss Kitty said "Chester take off your long-johns" I did as she told me. Then Miss kitty opened her legs and said "Chester go to town."

 

And here I am.

Edited September 27, 2017 by owl sees all

[fasteddie]

[farmerjo]

 

Subject: S S Marriage Complications

 

Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license." "Names?", said the clerk. "Tim and Jim Jones."  "Jones?? Are you related?? I see a resemblance." "Yes, we're brothers." "Brothers?? You can't get married." "Why not?? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?" "Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!" "Incest?" No, and  we are not gay." "Not gay?? Then why do you want to get married?" "For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects." "But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've claim they'd been denied equal protection under law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman." "Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim." "And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?" "All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next." "Hi. We are here to get married." "Names?" "John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson." "Who wants to marry whom?" "We all want to marry each other." "But there are four of you!" "That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All  of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship." "But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples." "So,  you're discriminating against bisexuals!" "No, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples." "Since when are you standing on tradition?" "Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere." "Who says?? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution  guarantees equal protection under the law.' "All right, all right. Next." "Hello, I'd like a marriage license." "In what names?" "David Anderson." "And the other man?" "That's all. I want to marry myself." "Marry yourself?? What do you mean?" "Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return." "That does it!? I quit!!? You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"     ...Don't laugh, it's just a matter of time.

 

[wayned]

FJ I was expecting a picture of the Morooka MK-80!

[Ace of Pop]

Sent from my iPhone using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A teacher was trying to teach good manners so asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady , how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said, "I am sorry , but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back." "That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny , can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?, I have to shake hands with a very close dear currently unemployed friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after we leave here."

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Two sharks are swimming around survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father said;

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing & then a few times with all of our fins showing before we eat everybody"

Why? Asked the shark's son.

"Because they taste better without all their cr*p still inside them!" replied father shark!

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A man runs to the psychiatrist and says,

"Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!"

The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"

"Two years," says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies,

"We needed the eggs."

 

 

[scottiejohn]

[owl sees all]

He looked down in the dumps. "No school today Son?"  "I've been suspended Dad." "What for this time?" "Having sex with the head girl." Bloody hell!! That's three suspensions at three different schools this year already. And all for the same reason. You have to control yourself Son." "You are right Dad I have to think about my future!" "Too right. If you carry on like this you'll not be able to teach anywhere!"

[owl sees all]

The explorers were captured and brought before the big Chief. They were standing on the bank of the great river.

 

The Chief spoke: "Now my western friends. I have a little test for you. If any one of you can rise to the challenge, and live, you can have any of my daughters to do with as you please."

 

He clapped his hands. At this sound the daughters at the far side of the river, lifted their dresses and showed off their luscious curves. "Just to give you a little incentive! It is not any easy journey and no man has yet met the challenge. For as you can see there are crocodiles, poisonous snakes and flesh ripping fish in the river. Now I am going to watch the action, if any, from the bridge."

 

After 10 minutes or so nothing happened. Just to egg them on the Chief shouted "come now, come, who wants the pussy?"

 

It was very quiet and it didn't look as though there were to be any takers. But then!! In went a guy.

 

Swimming like a man possessed; kicking crock's and throwing snakes away from his body. After a couple of minutes he was on the far bank; exhausted but alive.

 

The Chief came over, visibly shocked that someone had even attempted the challenge let alone succeeded.

 

The man looked up at the ladies. They didn't seem as lovely now he was closer.

 

"Well done!!" Spoke the Chief. "Now I am a man true to my word. What bit of pussy would you like?" 

 

The explored looked up at the Chief. "Bit of pussy!!!! The only bit of pussy I want is the c--t that pushed me in!"
 

Edited September 29, 2017 by owl sees all

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A husband crawls back home drunk on night.

Next day he wakes up with a hangover and sees that the whole house is clean and his shirts are laundered and there is a breakfast already prepared.

So he asks his son: "Hey Billy , what is up, why is your mother - so nice to me considering my condition last night?"

Billy answers: "Well, yesterday when she was pulling your pants off you were yelling:

 

"Get away from be, bitch! I’m married!""

 

[scottiejohn]