This is soooo true, I know almost no young  people in the US  that can drive a stick.

 

Squid has a night out with a few friends and has too many beers.

Next morning he's feeling a bit rough.

Passing tuna fish asks how he's feeling, a bit rough he says and I have to go see a mate this morning but don't feel like swimming.

Tuna says I'll give you a lift, picks him up and sets off. After going the wrong way for a while he drops him outside an eel's cave and says to the eel,

 

Here's that sick squid I owe from the poker game last night.

 

 

"I want to buy a dress to put on around the house."

"Yes, Madam. How large is your house?"

　

"What are you going to be when you graduate?"

"At your rate of teaching - An old man"

　

"I spent three years in college taking medicine."

"Are you well now?"

　

I saw a beaver movie last night; it was the best dam movie I've ever seen.

　

How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

　

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed

　

I didn't want my kids to join band or orchestra and risk being exposed to so much sax and violins.

　

There is a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that says…

Keep Off the Grass

　

Police were called to a daycare, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

　

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

Two lawyers are in a bank when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.

While several of the thieves take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including two lawyers, up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and jewellery etc.

While this is going on, one lawyer jams something into the other lawyer’s hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?"

to which the first lawyer replies,

 

"It’s that fifty dollars I owe you."

 

Rubin and Smith, two judges, were each arrested on speeding charges.

When they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one else was there, so instead of wasting time waiting around, they decided to try each other.

Motioning Rubin to the stand, Smith asked, "How do you plead?"

"Guilty."

"That’ll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court."

 

They stepped down, and the two judges shook hands and changed places.

 

"How do you plead?" asked Rubin.

"Guilty."

Rubin reflected for a moment or two. "These drunken driving incidents are becoming all too common of late," he pointed out sternly. "In fact, this is the second such case in the last quarter of an hour to be heard in this chamber and both involve members of the Judiciary.  A strong signal must be shown to the outside world that the legal profession must be treated just as, if not more, severely than common criminals.

 The least penalty I feel I can impose given your previous conduct is;

five hundred dollars fine

Loss of your Driving Licence

and thirty days in jail."

5 hours ago, riceyummm said:

Was he stoned or off his marbles?