Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

16 hours ago, jenny2017 said:

What do you call a sheep farmer from Yala with two sheep under his arms?

 

       A pimp....

Ewe have been warned before about being so sheepish and wooly with your responses, do it again and you will be rounded up and put in the Pen!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

I'm great at multitasking! I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

　

I can compare relationships to Algebra.

Why? Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

　

Remember, whatever you do, always give your 100%.

Unless you are donating blood.

　

It's not that the women did not know how to juggle, she just didn't have the balls to do it.

　

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

　

My neighbour told me that they planted seedless watermelons, I wonder where do they get the seeds.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

The doctor gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either!" and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

The wife comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated doctor says "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this late? Doing what?" he asked.

She replied,

 

 

"Getting a second opinion."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive blond haired masculine young man reading on the blanket beside hers.

"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"

"Yes, I do," he responded in a guttural foreign language, then returned to his German History book. Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"

The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.

Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the young man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man thought for a moment and replied,

 

"How did you know my name was Katz?"

[scottiejohn]

[riceyummm]

• 

[riceyummm]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Waking up this morning was really an eye-opening experience.

　

What did the Puerto Rican name his second son? Hosé B.

　

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned as I couldn't concentrate and took the pip.

　

Exercising could be more fun if you can hear your calories screaming while you burn them.

　

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

　

How do you make an egg laugh? Crack a yolk.

　

Whenever I have a headache, I take two aspirins and keep away from the children, just like the bottle says.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin.

Somebody asked her how that could be possible.

"Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage."

"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day."

"The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer who just sits on the edge of the bed and keeps telling me how good it is going to be once he has fixed his soft ware handling problem and able to make a connection."

 

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,

"I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained loudly,

 

"It wakes me up!"

[scottiejohn]

[riceyummm]

[scottiejohn]

6 hours ago, riceyummm said:

It drives me round the pole trying to clean all those streaks away!

[riceyummm]

[scottiejohn]

6 minutes ago, riceyummm said:

How can I Trump that comment without a reference to North Korea and Iran?

Edited October 21, 2017 by scottiejohn

[riceyummm]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

What clothes does a house wear?                          Address.

　

What did one elevator say to the other? I think I'm coming down with something!

Yeah and I think I’ll be heading down there with you

　

What did one magnet say to the other?           I find you very attractive.

　

Not all math puns are bad.                 Just sum.

　

I tried to change my password to "14days".     The computer said it was two week.

　

Every single morning I get hit by the same bike. It's a vicious cycle.

　

My wife asked me to pass her lip balm but unfortunately I gave her SuperGlue instead. She's still not talking to me and very tight lipped about the whole episode.

　

What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?           No ballroom.

　

What do you call a gay Jew?                    A Heblew.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A scientist cloned himself, but the clone turned out to be a sexual predator and incredibly rude.

Eventually, the scientist got sick of his clone and pushed him over a cliff.

 

The next day he was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Two Eskimos, sitting in a kayak, were very chilly.

To keep warm, they lit a fire in the craft, but it sank and they drowned.

They should have known.

 

You can't have your kayak and heat it too!

　

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

An elderly woman moves into a nursing home.

Her daughter helps her unpack and get settled in. After a few days, the woman notices a male resident who sits out on the porch every day, all by himself. She decides to go over and talk to him.

She asks if she can sit with him awhile. He looks at her for a second and says, "Yeah, you can, but only if you'll hold my d*ck." At first she's horrified and outraged. But then she thinks, "He's lonely, I'm lonely..." Finally, she agrees. She gets a blanket to put over their laps and she sits next to him every day, holding his d*ck.

 

After a few weeks, her daughter comes to take her mother for a weekend visit. When the woman returns to the nursing home, the first thing she sees is the man on the porch sitting next to another elderly woman. They have a blanket across their laps exactly as they used to do. The first woman thinks she knows what the second woman is up to.

 

She storms up the steps and starts yelling at the man.

"What does SHE have that I don't have?!" she screams.

 

 

The man just smiles and says, "Parkinson's."