39 minutes ago, wayned said:

It's just old age multitasking:

 

cough or sneeze and simultaneously pee and poop no matter where you are!

 

Been there, done that.

 

Destroyed the underwear later.

A gay man decides to get a tattoo on his buttocks

On arrival at the tattooist he spots a picture of heavyweight boxer Evander Holyfield.
                                                              
 'Oh! He's my favourite darling. Can you do him on the cheek of my ass?' he asked the tattooist.
    
 So it was done. On the way out of the store he spots another picture on the wall, this time Mike Tyson.
    
 'Oh, good Lord!' the gay exclaims,  'I just adore Iron Mike! Can you do him on my other cheek?'
    
 So it was done. On returning home, his boyfriend says, 'Well come on then, drop your trousers and give us a look.'
    
So he quickly drops his pants and bares his rear. 
    
His boyfriend gasps and replies, "I think our relationship is over! I sure as hell ain't getting in the ring with those two."

cricket,rain stops play.

 

Teacher in class,'Where are the Andes"

Jo puts his hand up, "End of your Armes "

 

.

　

A penis is like a Rubik's Cube - the more you play with it, the harder it gets.

 

Did you hear about the gay guy who got kicked off the golf course? He was playing with too many strokes.

 

What do you call a gay scientist? A homo-geneous

　

Life is a lot like a penis - soft, relaxed and hanging free... then a woman makes it hard.

 

You know you're getting old when you have more candles on your cake than friends at your birthday party.

　

Middle age is when your old classmates are so grey and wrinkled and bald they don't recognize you.

　

It's easier to remember your age if you don't change it every year.

 

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers.

Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room.

"Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis.

"I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him."

"And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg.

"Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly.

"And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.

 

 

"I'll be Bach," said Arnie.

　

 

I should have posted this when the supposed Da Vinci/Rembrandt/Joe Blogs or whatever was sold for a ridicules price last week!

 

 

 

Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse.

Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.

"I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..."

Mickey replied,

"I didn't say she was mentally insane"

 

"I said that she's f&cking goofy!"

19 hours ago, laislica said:

If they chop his d@ck off it won't be him coming next

On 30/11/2017 at 3:26 AM, laislica said:

 

 

And your point is?

 

 

Nothing really; it takes a good man to discover something original in today's world. I continually discover things, then find someone has discovered them before

On 03/12/2017 at 5:49 PM, scottiejohn said:

 

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers.

Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room.

"Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis.

"I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him."

"And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg.

"Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly.

"And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.

 

 

"I'll be Bach," said Arnie.

　

 

555

Hey scottiejohn

 

 

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."

The younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As the left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is most certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"

"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed."

9 minutes ago, Ron19 said:

when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed."

I would love to be a witness to the confessional!

 

"Father I have sinned" the ex patient says.

"I know" says the father, who had been under the bed. 

"But since it appears you never actually completed the act as you were interrupted by the visiting doctor you are absolved of all sin and If you need more advice on this how about your place at 2pm this afternoon?" 

 

Confessional

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I almost had an affair with a woman."

The priest asks, "What do you mean, almost?"

"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

"Well, Father, I rubbed my money up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in."

 

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a light bulb?

Just Juan.

　

"Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes"

 

"All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds."

 

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go it’s pretty damn good."

 

"I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it."

　

"How come Miss Universe is only ever won by people from Earth?"

After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel.

He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed.

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."

"I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk. "Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525.

Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's too bl**dy hot."

 

 "and for another it's on fire."

 

If you don't get it straight off trying saying it out loud

A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully-grown, with a bad attitude and even worse vocabulary. Every other word was a swear word. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, 

 

rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and doing anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and

 

the bird yelled back. He shook the bird... and the bird just got angrier and ruder.

 

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute.

 

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and

 

actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

 

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"