A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.

After a few more he needs to go to the little boy's room.

He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying,

"I spat in this beer, do not drink!".

After the obligatory few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying,

 

 

"So did I, and I'm still waiting for my results from the **** clinic"

 

Here are the top 10 Christmas cracker jokes as voted for by the British public from a UK daily paper today.  Sorry if they are a bit UK orientated

1. Why was Theresa May sacked as nativity manager? She couldn’t run a stable government.

2. Why don’t Southern Rail train guards share advent calendars? They want to open the doors themselves. (1)

3. What’s the difference between Ryanair and Santa? Santa flies at least once a year.(2)

4. Kim Jong Un will play Santa this year in the South’s annual pantomime. He said he fancied a Korea change.

5. Why did Donald Trump continuously decorate the Christmas tree? Because people kept saying ‘moron’ to him.

6. Why was the planned Ryanair TV documentary scrapped? They were unable to air a pilot.(2)

7. Which TV Christmas special is being filmed in Brussels this year? Deal Or No Deal.(3)

8. Theresa May has asked Santa for a home makeover this year. First thing on the list was a new Cabinet.

9. What did Bruce Forsyth say when the Christmas pheasant repeated on him? ‘Good game, good game’. (4)

10. Why did Jeremy Corbyn ask people not to eat sprouts on Christmas Day? He wants to give peas a chance.(5)

 

Notes for non Brits;

1.  Southern Rail trains stopped by near continous strikes over who closes train doors.  (ie driver only trains-no guards)

2. Ryanair made a mess of pilot rostering earlier in the year and had to cancel thousands of flights due to a shortage of pilots.

3. Deal or no deal is a UK TV game show programme.

4. Good game, good game was one of Brucie's famous catchphrases.

5. Corby is a left wing leader (puppet?) of the UK labour party.

Fur trapper walks into the Hudsons Bay. Hands the clerk a list.

Clerk fills the list, and says " You need toilet paper. We have Scott, Delsey, and No Name brand, which is cheaper.

Trapper takes the No Name.

Returns in the spring, sells his fur, gives the clerk another list.

Says "And I got a name for your toilet paper. It's rough, it's tough, it's white, and it don't take no s**t off no Indians"

21 minutes ago, canthai55 said:

and it don't take no s**t off no Indians"

Why was he taking s**t from the Indians?

 

 

 

PS;  I have heard of double negatives negating each other but in this case there are three negatives therefore he must have taken s**t from the Indians!

 

 

 

Why has Hillary Clinton asked Santa for a 21-letter alphabet? Because she is sick of F.B.I. and C.I.A

　

Prince Philip looks out of the window on Christmas Eve: 'That's some reindeer' he says. The Queen replies: '65 years. Yes, that is a lot.'

　

What's the difference between the clementine in your Christmas stocking and Donald Trump? Nothing, they're both a little orange.

　

What do you get if you cross Donald Trump with a Christmas Carol?   O Comb Over Ye Faithful.

　

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?

Claustrophobia!

　

What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party?

Freeze a jolly good fellow

 

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can 'ho ho ho'!

　　

'What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?           

 It's Christmas, Eve'

 

Knock, knock

Who's there?

Arthur

Arthur who?

Arthur any mince pies left?

 

What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?   Auld Fang Syne

 

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor??  Because he had a low "elf" esteem!

 

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house everyone felt sh*tty even the mouse.

Mom at the whorehouse and dad smoking grass, I settled down for a nice piece of ass.

When all of a sudden I heard such a clatter, I sprung from my place to see what was the matter.

When out on the lawn I saw a big d*ck, I new in a moment it must be Saint Nick.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell, I knew in a moment the <deleted> had fell.

He filled all of our stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber d*ck for my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart, the son of a b*tch tore the chimney apart.

He swore and he cursed as he flew out of sight, "p*ss on you all and have a hell of a night."

 

While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set.

"If you get your train," I told him, "your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?"

The boy became very quiet.

So, moving the conversation along,

I asked, "What else would you like Santa to bring you?"

He promptly replied, "Another train."

I saw this poor old women slip on some ice and fall this morning... 

 

At least I think she was poor.

She only had 2 dollars in her wallet.

A traveling salesman walks up to a house and rings the bell.

 

A young boy answers the door wearing silk panties, bra and smoking a cigar.

 

The salesman says “ahh, are your parents home?” and the boy replies “what the <deleted> do you think?”

THE BEST CHRISTMAS TREE EVER?

 

What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar??

He got 25 days!

 

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride??

A Holly Davidson!

 

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck??

A Christmas Quacker!

 

What is the best Christmas present in the world??

A broken drum, you just can't beat it!

 

How did Scrooge win the football game??

The ghost of Christmas passed!

　

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas??

Santa Jaws

　

Who is Santa's favorite singer?

Elf-is Presley!

　

What do Santa's little helpers learn at school??

The elf-abet!

　

What did Santa say to the smoker?

Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!

　

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees??

Horn-aments!

　

Why are real Christmas trees so bad at sewing??

They always drop their needles!

 

Two teachers were reminiscing about their deprived childhood.

"I lived in a tough neighbourhood," said the first.

"People were afraid to walk the streets after dark."

"That's nothing," said the other,

"Whenever I hung my Christmas stocking up by the fireplace,

 

Santa Claus stole it."

One night on Christmas eve, Santa came down the chimney. He was putting toys under the tree for the good girls and boys of the house. When he got the eerie feeling that someone was staring at him. He turned around and sure enough a lady in a negligee was looking at him. When she noticed Santa looking at her she said, "Santa can you stay, can you stay?" Santa, "Hey, hey hey, me have to go. Have to deliver toys for good girls and boys."

So then she pulled down her negligee and showed Santa her breasts. "Santa, can you stay, can you stay?"

Santa, "Hey, hey, hey. Me got to go. Have to deliver toys to good girls and boys." Then she took off everything and stood naked in front of Santa and said,

"Santa can you stay, can you stay?"

 

Santa, "Hey,hey, hey. Me have to stay. Can't go up the chimney this a way now!"

George Bush becomes very sick and dies. He goes to Hell where the Lucifer is waiting for him.

 

“I don’t know what to do,” says the Lucifer. “You’re on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, i found what to do.So I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got three people here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I’ll even let you decide who leaves.”

George Bush thought that sounded enough good so he agreed.

The Lucifer opened the first room’s door. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his destiny in Hell.

“No!” George said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long .”

The Lucifer led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of giant rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

“No! I’ve got this problem with my arm. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!” commented George.

The Lucifer opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton sitting naked on the chair with his arms staked over his head and he spreads his legs.Monica Lewinsky on the knees, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in doubt for a while and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.”

The Lucifer smiled and said, “Monica, you’re free to go!”

 

　

Did Rudolph go to school?

No. He was Elf-taught!

　

Why did the turkey join the band??

Because it had the drumsticks!

　

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire??

Frostbite!

　

What do snowmen wear on their heads??

Ice caps!　

　

How do snowmen get around??

They ride an icicle!

　

What song do you sing at a snowman's birthday party??

Freeze a jolly good fellow!

　

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas??

One that's deep pan, crisp and even!

　

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?

A mince spy!

　

What do you call a cat in the desert at Christmas time??

Sandy Claws!

　

What does Santa do with fat elves??

He sends them to an Elf Farm!

　

What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas??

It's Christmas, Eve!

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added,

 

"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."